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Superficial Profiling - Am I a Jerk?


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You know I try to think of myself as a nice person, and outwardly I am. I am quiet, kinda shy, I try to think of others when I'm doing things but internally I have these crazy thought patterns ...

 

e.g. I won't date a girl I consider "ugly" but there's a certain threshold of attractiveness that needs to be met.

 

And there's a lot of range above that threshold from "kinda cute" to "knockout". I've dated across the spectrum and based on that sample, I've observed a general trend:

 

- the kinda cute girls will put in the extra effort to have you like them.

 

- the knockouts will generally not and will expect you to put in that extra effort.

 

At this point in my life, I'm way too self-absorbed/distracted to put in the "extra effort" to be with a knockout but that also becomes a problem with the "kinda cutes" who I feel like I settle for because they're easier, because eventually they get tired of my laissez faire attitude towards the whole thing...

 

And this is fine until emotions become involved and i become attached, then the entire system falls apart lol...

 

Another issue is I'm realllllllllllllly picky/crazy, so even a girl I considered a knockout/kinda cute at first will upon closer analysis become not so cute/repulsive....it's not something I will share with the girl explicitly but it might be something they pick up on through my behavior (but I'm standoff-ish from jump so incredibly hard to read anyway)

 

For instance my most recent ex was a cute girl........not my type, but certainly attractive by general standards. Cute face, dusky, small, nimble body, lol....but she had some acne scarring on her face....

 

When I first met her, I was like maybe I can ignore that. But through the relationship, especially when we became more intimate, it's something I always thought about and felt so bad about, precisely because it seemed like such a silly thing that I couldn't get my head out of my *** over and she was such a sweet girl.

 

Suffice to say, this relationship didn't work. She dumped me after realizing that I wasn't that "into" her, I became an emotional wreck trying to figure out why while desperately trying to maintain a friendship with her. Never had an argument with her, never called her any names, but eventually she just stopped talking to me.

 

Anyways, I feel like a jerk! How do I change? How do I shut off my internal stupidity?

 

The feelings of regret, guilt, etc. are constantly getting to me, and my brain is like scrambled eggs at the moment.

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