Is this a breakthrough?

[audrey_1]

The guy I've been seeing for the past year told me he "cares for me" this weekend.

 

When you tell someone you "care" for them, what do you mean by it?

[Kindle]

Ermmm...i dunno its a tough one.

 

But i would say exactly that, he cares for you. Which broken down means he would be upset if you were upset, and wouldnt want you hurt or upset in any way.

 

Could be an ice breaker for the love word - have you told him you love him ?

[audrey_1]

No. I haven't told him that. Part of me really wants to, but I haven't. He always makes fun of me, picks on me. I asked him why he does this. Nothing mean, just poking. He said he wouldn't if he didn't care about me. Then got kind of quiet. In 14 months, he has only said he enjoys spending time with me. This is the first time he has gone beyond that.

[SimpleGirl.]

Then got kind of quiet. In 14 months, he has only said he enjoys spending time with me.

 

 

I think he means just what he said. He does care for you, and maybe he's just shy of telling you how he feels? He may of said that to you, to see if you react to it hoping that maybe you will mention it to him and this may break the ice a little?

 

Are you in love with him?

 

 

Keep smiling =]

 

SimpleGirl*

[audrey_1]

I am thinking that it took guts for him to say it, because he is so shy, and he does keep things very casual. I am trying very hard not to give in to being in love with him. I'm not quite sure why. I realized the other day that it's the most in love with someone I've been since my first love, which was the most real it's ever been for me. It's been a scary realization, but also one that comes from a good, genuine place.

[LoveLace]

I am thinking that it took guts for him to say it, because he is so shy, and he does keep things very casual. I am trying very hard not to give in to being in love with him. I'm not quite sure why. I realized the other day that it's the most in love with someone I've been since my first love, which was the most real it's ever been for me. It's been a scary realization, but also one that comes from a good, genuine place.

 

I say tell him that...I think if he "cares about you" and tells you that, he will respond in a positive way.

[audrey_1]

I don't know. What if we're reading more into it. What if it's I care about you, like a dog, or my grandma. I'm not sure I'm ready to put myself out there like that. It could backfire in a big way.

[SimpleGirl.]

I don't know. What if we're reading more into it. What if it's I care about you, like a dog, or my grandma. I'm not sure I'm ready to put myself out there like that. It could backfire in a big way.

 

 

If you're not ready to put yourself out there then don't, give yourself some time to be sure of how you feel about him, once done, you may want to confidently and happily tell him of how you feel.

 

Have you asked him about the "I care about you" comment? Maybe try and talk to him about it all? Nothing too serious, just a chat on how you genuinely feel for eachother?

 

It leaves me to wonder though, if he did mean the comment as in I care about you like my grandma, or dog.. why would he tell you it now? Why not months ago? Maybe he may of just realised that he does have some feelings there for you, and the care comment was his way of trying to get that across?

 

Does that make any sense at all?

 

 

 

 

SimpleGirl*

[audrey_1]

If you're not ready to put yourself out there then don't, give yourself some time to be sure of how you feel about him, once done, you may want to confidently and happily tell him of how you feel.

 

Have you asked him about the "I care about you" comment? Maybe try and talk to him about it all? Nothing too serious, just a chat on how you genuinely feel for each other?

 

It leaves me to wonder though, if he did mean the comment as in I care about you like my grandma, or dog.. why would he tell you it now? Why not months ago? Maybe he may of just realised that he does have some feelings there for you, and the care comment was his way of trying to get that across?

 

Does that make any sense at all?

 

 

 

 

SimpleGirl*

 

Yes, that makes sense.

 

A little back story. We haven't been exclusive, and we've been long distance, but will be living much closer in about three months.

 

A couple weeks ago, last time I saw him, after we hiked 12 miles together, we were recuperating over a frappuccino at Starbucks, and he asked me if I had been seeing other people. I said, yes, haven't you? He said that he had only been seeing me, and again got kind of quiet. He is the one who said he wasn't looking for a relationship and considered us great friends, so I haven't been waiting around, though I haven't been seeing anyone other than him lately.

 

I told him my friends in the new city were looking to set me up on dates, and also that the next couple of months before I move would be busy with work and my tennis league, so I wouldn't have much time for him. He seemed concerned.

[SimpleGirl.]

Yes, that makes sense.

 

A little back story. We haven't been exclusive, and we've been long distance, but will be living much closer in about three months.

 

A couple weeks ago, last time I saw him, after we hiked 12 miles together, we were recuperating over a frappuccino at Starbucks, and he asked me if I had been seeing other people. I said, yes, haven't you? He said that he had only been seeing me, and again got kind of quiet. He is the one who said he wasn't looking for a relationship and considered us great friends, so I haven't been waiting around, though I haven't been seeing anyone other than him lately.

 

I told him my friends in the new city were looking to set me up on dates, and also that the next couple of months before I move would be busy with work and my tennis league, so I wouldn't have much time for him. He seemed concerned.

 

 

He's only been seeing you, and again, came that silence? And was concerned about you being busy and not having much time for him? What does that suggest to you? To me, it suggests just as he said - he does geniunly care for you, but, maybe a bit more then he's letting on.

 

I don't blame you for not waiting around, good on you for that! He says that he considers you "Great friends" but I think he wants a little something more, although, I could be wrong.

 

Do you think things between you will change once moved closer to one another? Perhaps you may work out what he wants? Better yet, do you know what you want?

 

 

SimpleGirl*

[audrey_1]

He's only been seeing you, and again, came that silence? And was concerned about you being busy and not having much time for him? What does that suggest to you? To me, it suggests just as he said - he does geniunly care for you, but, maybe a bit more then he's letting on.

 

I don't blame you for not waiting around, good on you for that! He says that he considers you "Great friends" but I think he wants a little something more, although, I could be wrong.

 

Do you think things between you will change once moved closer to one another? Perhaps you may work out what he wants? Better yet, do you know what you want?

 

 

SimpleGirl*

 

I am trying not to "want" anything. I am going with the flow and not attaching myself to any outcomes. But I care for him very deeply.

 

I'm not sure whether things will change when I move closer or not. He mentioned that we could go hiking "every weekend" once I got over there. Every weekend?! I'd like to go out for a nice dinner once in a while ... lol.

 

This weekend, we worked out together at the gym, and I caught him looking at me in the mirror a few times; I tried to stay at opposite ends of the room from him, so as not to crowd him.

[SimpleGirl.]

I am trying not to "want" anything. I am going with the flow and not attaching myself to any outcomes. But I care for him very deeply.

 

I'm not sure whether things will change when I move closer or not. He mentioned that we could go hiking "every weekend" once I got over there. Every weekend?! I'd like to go out for a nice dinner once in a while ... lol.

 

This weekend, we worked out together at the gym, and I caught him looking at me in the mirror a few times; I tried to stay at opposite ends of the room from him, so as not to crowd him.

 

 

Quick question - Why are you trying not to "want" anything with him? Hiking? every weekend? Well he's keen, isn't he? Lol.

 

I'm guessing you haven't told him you care for him really deeply, then? Ever considered doing so? Or, would that create an awkward atmosphere?

 

 

SimpleGirl*

[audrey_1]

Because I don't want to get hurt, since he has been keeping me at arm's distance for a year. Just because he told me he cares for me doesn't mean I'm going to jump into his lap, though I may really, really, really want to. He should probably say it again, first, right? Just so I can make sure he really meant it?

 

Nope, I haven't told him about any of my feelings for months now. If anything, I've been more nonchalant than ever, pushing him away and giving him his freedom. I'm afraid if I tell him I care now, that would just send him away again, and we'd have to start all over again. I have no idea. *sigh*

 

I don't want to play games. We're in our 30s.

[SimpleGirl.]

Because I don't want to get hurt, since he has been keeping me at arm's distance for a year. Just because he told me he cares for me doesn't mean I'm going to jump into his lap, though I may really, really, really want to. He should probably say it again, first, right? Just so I can make sure he really meant it?

 

Nope, I haven't told him about any of my feelings for months now. If anything, I've been more nonchalant than ever, pushing him away and giving him his freedom. I'm afraid if I tell him I care now, that would just send him away again, and we'd have to start all over again. I have no idea. *sigh*

 

I don't want to play games. We're in our 30s.

 

Don't want to get hurt, I should have thought of that. But, isn't this all hurting you not knowing what to do? Yes, he should say it again, to reasure you that he did really mean it.

 

Basically, I see it as this. You can continue doing what you're doing, being nonchalant and giving him his freedom, move on from him completely, or just ask him how he feels. Course, I know all of them are alot easier said, then done. Work out what you want for a change, instead of analysing him, put yourself first? - once you have an answer, go from there?

 

 

Crap advice I know, but it's such a tough situation! Can't imagine how you feel being in the bugger, lol. Sorry i'm not much help.

 

 

SimpleGirl*

[Kindle]

Heh, i think youre both a bit shy or scared of being hurt and youre both beating around the bush !!!.

 

With the follow up info you posted - i think hes sounding you out.

Going quiet after you said you had dated other people probably knocked him for six.

 

If you like him, i would ask him to go exclusive and take it from there.

 

Im not good at the feelings thing, but i could prob manage a 'i was thinking of just dating you from now on'.....

 

you can probably guess from his reaction if he is pleased or not, and by saying that youre not really putting anything on the line so to speak, even though its still a big deal lol !

[audrey_1]

I'll probably just wait and see how our Labor Day weekend hike goes. If he acts like my "buddy" and doesn't mention anything else along those lines, I'm just going to let it go. It will be the last real opportunity I have to see him probably until around November. The next couple of months for me are going to be very busy. I got an email from him earlier saying he was looking forward to the hike.

[stefspets]

I would agree with the other responses if this was a guy you had just started dating, but from what I remember reading, you've been seeing this guy for a year, but it's not "exclusive", or "committed", just a casual thing.

 

A casual guy saying he cares sounds pretty meaningless to me. Obviously he gets something out of the situation that he likes, but he hasn't wanted the whole package up to this point. He might tell you he cares just to maintain the status quo.

 

I think you're reading too much into it. If what you want is a loving, committed, exclusive relationship, I think you've given this guy more than enough time to come around, and he still hasn't. You're selling yourself short.

[audrey_1]

I would agree with the other responses if this was a guy you had just started dating, but from what I remember reading, you've been seeing this guy for a year, but it's not "exclusive", or "committed", just a casual thing.

 

A casual guy saying he cares sounds pretty meaningless to me. Obviously he gets something out of the situation that he likes, but he hasn't wanted the whole package up to this point. He might tell you he cares just to maintain the status quo.

 

I think you're reading too much into it. If what you want is a loving, committed, exclusive relationship, I think you've given this guy more than enough time to come around, and he still hasn't. You're selling yourself short.

 

Yes. Same guy. Which is why "breakthrough" is in the title, and I'm not taking it all that seriously. And I'm posting about it rather than talking to him about it. When I get moved, even though it will be closer to him, he will have to step up or step off. My friends have many people they want to introduce me to for the purposes of dating, and my options are open. He has given me no reason for them not to be. I've been honest with him that I've been seeing other people. If something comes along where it's mutually loving, all of this craziness will end. This friend and I stopped having sex four months ago. We've moved from FWB to F. So his saying he cared about me did throw me for a loop, but as you pointed out, it's probably meaningless.

 

Only, there is no status quo to maintain. There is already a status quo. He had nothing to gain or to lose by telling me he cared about me. That is why it was surprising and got my attention.

[Ronni_W]

he asked me if I had been seeing other people. I said, yes, haven't you? He said that he had only been seeing me, ... I told him my friends in the new city were looking to set me up on dates, and also that the next couple of months before I move would be busy...so I wouldn't have much time for him.

OUCH! and OUCH! and OUCH!, again . Cos, honestly, it sounds as if he REALLY LIKES you!!! But...

 

He told you he's not seeing anyone else and you didn't give him any feedback, good or bad. Ouch.

Then, you not only told him about getting set-up on dates (I'm not getting that you told him you had no intention of going on any) BUT ALSO, in the same conversation, that you won't have much time for him...Double-ouch. Especially after he'd told you previously that he's not seeing other people.

 

I would read all his silences as him just having to take a big 'inner breath', hide his disappointment/hurt, and resolve to protect his own heart. I think he may be as scared as you are, of getting hurt (or maybe even MORE scared than you, at this point.)

 

I may have missed it, but when was the last time he talked about not wanting a relationship and just being great friends? It could be that you are working from something he said quite some time ago, and aren't taking into account his more recent actions.

 

Maybe his "I care about you" was once again trying to feel you out but in a really 'light' way so that he could easier back out of it, if he got a similar, more-or-less disinterested response from you as in the past?

 

It sounds as if he REALLY LIKES you! But there's definitely a lot of room for some open and honest communication between the two of you. You both may miss out on something really excellent cos you're each nursing unnecessary fears that the other is not all THAT interested and/or that you'll get hurt...instead of finding courage to communicate your true feelings and desires to each other.

[audrey_1]

OUCH! and OUCH! and OUCH!, again . Cos, honestly, it sounds as if he REALLY LIKES you!!! But...

 

He told you he's not seeing anyone else and you didn't give him any feedback, good or bad. Ouch.

Then, you not only told him about getting set-up on dates (I'm not getting that you told him you had no intention of going on any) BUT ALSO, in the same conversation, that you won't have much time for him...Double-ouch. Especially after he'd told you previously that he's not seeing other people.

 

I would read all his silences as him just having to take a big 'inner breath', hide his disappointment/hurt, and resolve to protect his own heart. I think he may be as scared as you are, of getting hurt (or maybe even MORE scared than you, at this point.)

 

I may have missed it, but when was the last time he talked about not wanting a relationship and just being great friends? It could be that you are working from something he said quite some time ago, and aren't taking into account his more recent actions.

 

Maybe his "I care about you" was once again trying to feel you out but in a really 'light' way so that he could easier back out of it, if he got a similar, more-or-less disinterested response from you as in the past?

 

It sounds as if he REALLY LIKES you! But there's definitely a lot of room for some open and honest communication between the two of you. You both may miss out on something really excellent cos you're each nursing unnecessary fears that the other is not all THAT interested and/or that you'll get hurt...instead of finding courage to communicate your true feelings and desires to each other.

 

Hi Ronni.

 

I know. Ouch.

 

It's been a while since he's said he just wanted to be friends and didn't want a serious relationship. Probably three months, which is the last time we had sex. We've spent time together since, even slept in the same bed, and nothing has happened. Yet, we have continued to progress, and continue to act as if we're "dating," if that's possible. I have been playing it super cool. No more questions. No more "where are we" queries. Nothing. In the very beginning, a year ago, he said he was concerned about the distance between us, and the fact that his professional future was uncertain. I have realized along the way that he is inexperienced, and that some of the assertions he makes he may not realize the gravity of until after I am acting upon them.

 

Last weekend, we had coffee with his friend, who was very attentive to me and quite nice, smiling a lot. We had a great time, the three of us, talking and laughing a lot. I ended up staying with him for three nights; he kept asking me to extend my stay; want to go work out; want to go buy groceries; want a bottle of wine. I mean, maybe he's just a great friend. Men can be such a great platonic friend as this, no?

 

Back to the ouch. We were dining last Saturday afternoon, and talking about the making fun of part. I held my fork and pointed at butter in a ramekin saying here's me (the butter); here's you (the fork). Then I smashed the butter with the fork. Then he said, well here's me (a piece of fried okra), here's you( fork and knife); then he cut the okra in half.

 

Hmm. You're probably right. Room for communication. And we're scared.

[Ronni_W]

saying here's me (the butter); here's you (the fork). Then I smashed the butter with the fork. Then he said, well here's me (a piece of fried okra), here's you( fork and knife); then he cut the okra in half.

That is too funny. But honestly, you guys can't keep using silverware, butter and bits of veggies to communicate that you're feeling some negative stuff in the relationship/friendship

 

Why not use that, though, to start a conversation? "I really feel bad that you're feeling like a hacked-up piece of okra -- what can I do to fix that?"

 

Which is neutral on one hand, but it also shows that you've got some sensitivity to what he might be feeling.

 

PS - yep, a guy (and gal) CAN be such "great platonic" friends but...I'd bet he (and you?) actually would really just like it if someone would just wave a magic wand and everything is "great romantic" instead

[audrey_1]

That is too funny. But honestly, you guys can't keep using silverware, butter and bits of veggies to communicate that you're feeling some negative stuff in the relationship/friendship

 

Why not use that, though, to start a conversation? "I really feel bad that you're feeling like a hacked-up piece of okra -- what can I do to fix that?"

 

Which is neutral on one hand, but it also shows that you've got some sensitivity to what he might be feeling.

 

PS - yep, a guy (and gal) CAN be such "great platonic" friends but...I'd bet he (and you?) actually would really just like it if someone would just wave a magic wand and everything is "great romantic" instead

 

Maybe I'll bring it up this weekend while we're out in the middle of nowhere sitting on a rock by the river. Lol. I got a text from him this afternoon. It was about something that I wanted to text him about yesterday but refrained from doing. It was nice he thought of me. I really do have sensitivity to his feelings but don't want to get eaten alive by letting him see this.

 

He left me a comment on my Facebook wall yesterday, too, which really caught me off guard. He hadn't been active in a few weeks, and only has a few friends, yet yesterday he left me a comment for all to see, alluding to our taking a trip. I have over 100 friends (who I really know), and he doesn't know whether they are who I'm seeing other than him. Was he staking his claim?

[Ronni_W]

I really do have sensitivity to his feelings but don't want to get eaten alive by letting him see this.

What has he done to get you feeling that he might want to do that to you? Cos yeah, if he's someone who can conceivably want to treat you like that then definitely you do need to take proper precautions to protect yourself. But it sucks when one has to be dishonest with (hide) one's true feelings, doesn't it? (((hugs)))

He left me a comment on my Facebook wall yesterday, ... Was he staking his claim?

Again, goes to what kinda character he has. He hasn't shown any need or desire to curtail you dating other people (that you mentioned, anyway), so I wouldn't have thought that -- I would have thought that he just wanted YOU to know that he was thinking about you at that moment. BUT if he's someone who could easily "eat people alive" then...who knows?

[audrey_1]

What has he done to get you feeling that he might want to do that to you? Cos yeah, if he's someone who can conceivably want to treat you like that then definitely you do need to take proper precautions to protect yourself. But it sucks when one has to be dishonest with (hide) one's true feelings, doesn't it? (((hugs)))

 

Again, goes to what kinda character he has. He hasn't shown any need or desire to curtail you dating other people (that you mentioned, anyway), so I wouldn't have thought that -- I would have thought that he just wanted YOU to know that he was thinking about you at that moment. BUT if he's someone who could easily "eat people alive" then...who knows?

 

I reread this post since it seemed relevant to today's posts and saw that I missed your last comment, Ronni. Thanks. ... No, he's not like that. He seems very sensitive, but keeps everything inside. Which is why his saying he "cares about me" through making fun of me really got my attention. Funny, there's a thread going on about this right now! I should say that it doesn't bother me, though. Sometimes it's pretty funny to hear how he spins my idiosyncrasies, and I give it right back.

 

I believe he has good character; it is probably my painting of it that needs work. It is me that is in hyper-protective mode, even though he is, too. We both are. No, he hasn't actively exhibited the need to curtail my seeing other people, though he did ask about it.

 

From the beginning, he said he was concerned about distance between us, and his lack of professional stability. Never did he say he wasn't "feeling it," that he wouldn't want a relationship with me when these things were settled, or lead me to believe that it wasn't a possibility. My gut tells me the opposite. I am trying to be patient and go with the flow. My options are open, though. I mean, what else could I do? I don't know if I can wait forever for anyone, no matter how much I may care for them.

[RecordProducer]

I am trying not to "want" anything. I am going with the flow and not attaching myself to any outcomes. But I care for him very deeply.

You used the word "care" which tells me that ou're just a hair away from being completely in love and you are projecting the same meaning of the word ("care") on his statement.

 

Because I don't want to get hurt, since he has been keeping me at arm's distance for a year. Just because he told me he cares for me doesn't mean I'm going to jump into his lap, though I may really, really, really want to. He should probably say it again, first, right? Just so I can make sure he really meant it?

Since you're aware that he's keeping you at a distance, there is no need to admit your feelings and get hurt. He wants you to show more feelings, while he's keeping distance. I believe that hi statement is a certain step forward, but not enough for you to surrender to him. If I were you, I would do the same as he does, no more. Don't be the first one to say "I love you." The thing is, the truth about his feelings for you is somewhere out there; and if you knew that he had no deep feelings for you, you would probably back off and move on.