does she or doesn't she want to be with me, that is the question

[bobbydygytul]

My girlfriend and I have been together now 8 months. About a week ago she said she wanted to move back home. She said she wanted us to take a step back and see how things work out. I suggested that maybe we should break up and just be friends. She said that made her really happy to hear me say that. She said she still loves me, but still can’t open up to me 100%.

She said she cannot love me the same way that I love her and that it wasn’t fair for me. She said im the perfect guy that has ever came into her life and that she just doesn’t understand why she feels that way. She said she needed me in her life and couldn’t ever image life without me. Then later she said for me not to give up on her just yet. I later told her that I changed my mind and that if she leaves me, then I couldn’t be just friends with her and that if she leaves she will probably not hear from me again. She was devastated and said to disregard everything she has said and just pretend it never happened. I told her it was too late. She was going to leave that night and I told her she could stay the night and leave in the morning and she was ok with that. I was really devastated and heartbroken. The next morning I was crying and she woke up and came in and said she changed her mind that she wanted to stay with me. When I asked her why she said she just needed time to think about things. She will not talk about it anymore and says to just drop it. So I did take her back.

ALL of her previous relationships she dated were drug addicted guys with no job and no life (she has been drug-free now for 2 years). She said they always made her feel needed and depended on her. I don’t do drugs, I have a nice job and nice place. She said she doesn’t feel that I need her sometimes.

She was at one time 2 years ago was engaged to a guy (him addicted to heroine, no job, no car, etc) and she says she feels he was her soul mate, and that because of the drugs and things he put her through, that she could never be with him again. She said he is the only person that truly understands her and the only person she has ever opened up to 100%. She still talks to him every day and tells him she loves him. She says they are best friends now, but they could never be a couple again after what all they went through. She says she loves him as a friend only. That really bothered me that she says he was her 1 and only soul mate and that opportunity is gone for her forever. She said everyone has only 1 soul mate and that he was hers, but she could never be with him again. Do people have more than 1 soul mate?

It has been a week now, but I feel by her saying some of those things it has damaged the way I feel about her. I still want to be with her and love her, but I don’t quite understand what is going on now. I want to be with someone that knows 100% wants to be with me. I feel kind of lost. I don’t know what to do about this situation. I can’t seem to just forget that it ever happened. I can’t stop thinking about it. What should I do? Should I just forget about it? Please help.

[julkat]

Relationships are tough, and those dealing with addictions (using or not) are even tougher. They require a lot of patience and perserverence.

 

(I later told her that I changed my mind and that if she leaves me, then I couldn’t be just friends with her and that if she leaves she will probably not hear from me again) If you are supposed to be her best friend, why would you want to go NC if she doesn't do what you want. Trying to exert this kind of control over another person dooms your relationship.

 

In addition, she is giving at least some of her emotional availability away to her ex and that's not fair to you. She does sound confused.

 

I had to let someone I love very much go and sort themselves out. He never came back, and it was hard. But staying in a relationship with someone who is uncertain about being there, or is there out of fear of repercussions, is not healthy anyway.

 

Good luck.

[Davey McG]

She doesn't want to be with you. You will always be second best to this girl.

 

She will never love you the same way back and there is every possibility she will get back with her ex if this is how she talks about him. Save yourself any more pain and go NC.

 

I later told her that I changed my mind and that if she leaves me, then I couldn’t be just friends with her and that if she leaves she will probably not hear from me again.

 

This is a very sensible move and will prevent any more hurt. I think you were being pretty smart at this point. It shows that you know what makes a healthy relationship and what does not. I disagree with julkat. I think that you are being honest and stopping yourself from being hurt. There is nothing wrong with honesty.

 

She was devastated and said to disregard everything she has said and just pretend it never happened. I told her it was too late. She was going to leave that night and I told her she could stay the night and leave in the morning and she was ok with that. I was really devastated and heartbroken. The next morning I was crying and she woke up and came in and said she changed her mind that she wanted to stay with me. When I asked her why she said she just needed time to think about things. She will not talk about it anymore and says to just drop it. So I did take her back.

 

She needs you as a support crutch and realised this would be taken away if you dumped her so is hanging around a bit longer as you provide her with what she wants. You are being used as emotional support.

 

She said he is the only person that truly understands her and the only person she has ever opened up to 100%. She still talks to him every day and tells him she loves him. She says they are best friends now, but they could never be a couple again after what all they went through. She says she loves him as a friend only. That really bothered me that she says he was her 1 and only soul mate and that opportunity is gone for her forever. She said everyone has only 1 soul mate and that he was hers, but she could never be with him again. Do people have more than 1 soul mate?

 

So why are you with her? She's made it clear you'll always be second best to her soul mate and she talks to him all the time. Its only a matter of time before she's with him and you're left wondering what happened. Saying she could never be with him again doesn't man anything. Trust me - I've been there and it doesn't end well.

 

What should I do?

 

Walk away before you get more hurt. She needs to sort herself out and if you stick around like you're her social worker that's all she'll ever see you as. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you're heading for heartbreak.

[CommitmentPhobe]

She doesn't want to be with you.

 

You don't need this nonsense. The first thing you need to do is face up to the reality that you've broken up and that it won't work out. The second thing you need to do is to cut of communication with her. The third thing you need to do is bang someone else, well at least meet and flirt with other women and see what else is out there. Have you got any friends that can help you through this?