go43ah Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 I am a 24 y/o married woman who just graduated from nursing school with a bachelor's degree. I am leaving for Chicago on Monday for 16 days to take a NCLEX review course. My husband and I just had our pool and our deck finished yesterday. I am livid that he is going to have his brother and his brother's g/f over while I am away. I myself haven't even gotten to enjoy the deck or the pool yet. His brother's g/f doesn't like me (I gave her a chance) and has never just came over to just hang out w/me; yet now because we have the pool she wants to act like she's our best friend. She also always thinks that she is better than everyone, which she is not. She's so phony. I think that is ridiculous!! My husband doesn't respect my opinion and says that he can't tell her that she can't come over. She's my brother's g/f and your soon to be sister in law. I don't care. I am not going to be used like that. Does any one have any suggestions as far as maybe possibly temporarily turning a pool green for a couple of weeks??? I am absolutely desperate! I do not want that girl in our home or our pool. I don't think that it's too much to ask for my husband to not have anyone over to get in the pool for 2 weeks. Any ideas??? Link to post Share on other sites
carrotgirl Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Yes. You need stop talking and get over this incredibly inconsequential thing before your hard attitude starts hurting your marriage. Think go, what is more important to you? A harmonious marriage or getting to use the pool and the deck first? You're going to use that pool and deck every day for the rest of this summer and for many to come. Is being the first to pee in the pool really worth creating a rift between you and your husband? Is being first to sun on the deck really worth this aggravation you're experiencing for yourself? Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Wow, how childish. Your Husband is right, he can't invite his brother and say she can't come. Who cares about who uses the pool first, be glad your pool is getting good use. I am sure that your husband is highly unimpressed with your plea to not use the pool until you come back. If I were him I would be seriously annoyed with a request like that. If it was finished yesterday, then why don't you sit in it until you leave on Monday if being the first in it is sooooo important??? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 You say you're a 24 year old "woman" but you sound like a girl to me. Sorry. I mean you want to turn your pool green and full of algea (sp?) just so that this girl can't swim in your pool. And it would be worth it for you to do that thereby preventing your own husband from using the pool as well? Wow. How utterly selfish. No wonder your husband doesn't respect your opinion. I'd be thrilled that she was coming while I was gone if I were you. I mean you clearly don't like her. It's your husband's pool too you know. If you want to have a good marriage you're going to have to learn to compromise. Are you sure there isn't an element of jealousy here? Because I'm kind of sensing it. Why not take the high road and be friendly towards her? You're making yourself look bad in your H's eyes. If you continue to lose more of his respect you might find yourself in divorce court. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 That's what I'm getting too, touche - it's not about the pool - there's more going on here than just that. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 That's what I'm getting too, touche - it's not about the pool - there's more going on here than just that. Absolutely. This pool thing is just the tip of the iceberg I suspect. Like I said though, I sense some jealousy. I could be wrong but that's my hunch. Link to post Share on other sites
carrotgirl Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Why not take the high road and be friendly towards her? You're making yourself look bad in your H's eyes. If you continue to lose more of his respect you might find yourself in divorce court. go, I agree with the other posts. I sensed the jealousy too but what stands out as being so detrimental to your marriage wasn't that your husband doesn't respect you, it's that, and perhaps you're not aware you're sending the message, behaving this way makes it clear that you don't respect your husband. It's sending the message that unless the people outside of your marriage invest themselves in you according to your personal standards, then your husband won't be allowed to enjoy spending time with those people. It's sending the message that you don't consider your husband a responsible adult capable of making the decision to spend time at your shared residence with his own brother and your brother-in-law's prospective mate. It's also sending the message that your husband can't be trusted to behave like a responsible adult without you being present. Touche's point about potentially finding yourself in Divorce Court should you continue this way is a very valid consideration. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
saraispiel19 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 ah just put nair in the gals conditioner:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author go43ah Posted June 21, 2008 Author Share Posted June 21, 2008 No....... there is no jealousy whatsoever. It's the principle....... the woman doesn't like me and I don't like her. I am not comfortable with her being in our home or our pool when I'm not home. I am not letting her use me just so she can go swimming at our home when she doesn't like us to begin with. My husband doesn't really like her either. For goodness sake, his brother has be engaged/disengaged to her 4 different times. I don't care if my husband uses the pool himself by himself while I'm gone; b/c that's what I would do if he was gone. I wouldn't have a party without him being home. Sorry...... its the principle that matters to me, not so much the pool. Link to post Share on other sites
Author go43ah Posted June 21, 2008 Author Share Posted June 21, 2008 And about my husband being a responsible mate.......... he is not. He drinks 12-24 beers/night whether I'm home or not. Then when I'm not home he gets so plastered he throws up and is late to work everyday. I myself do not call that a responsible mate. Being a mailman........ that is totally irresponsible. Something needs to happen to him to show him that. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Well, I'm not sure how long you're married but I can tell you that the "it's the principle of the thing" card doesn't usually work if you want to have a good marriage. In a good marriage there's compromise. Period and end of story. Doesn't sound like you're willing to do that. I say pick your battles. This is one I'd personally not fight. If it's worth creating chaos in your marriage then by all means, go ahead and fight this one. As for the alcohol issue, well that's another matter entirely. Now that's where you might want to concentrate your efforts. Also, if your H doesn't like this girl and is willing to have her over for the sake of his brother, then why should care since you won't even be there? He's the one that will have to entertain her..not you. I just think you have bigger fish to fry in this marriage. This issue shouldn't even be on your radar screen. But that's just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Lets stop beating around the bush here. Are you worried that you husband is attracted to this woman? Are you worried that he will drink too much, then do something to disrespect your marriage with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author go43ah Posted June 21, 2008 Author Share Posted June 21, 2008 Everything is all good. It took him talking to his own mother; then he had her talk to me. She understood where I was coming from. So anyhow.......... he's not going to have them over period while I'm gone. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Oh for heavens sake is this grade school or what? If your Hs brother is going to marry a girl, you have to suck it in and be cool with it for the sake of the brothers feelings. Thats what you DO for family members. How do you know your Hs brother doesn't feel that way about you? Getting your MIL involved in your arguments is not a great idea- you guys need to be able to resolve your own conflict and make compromises together. Going running to his mom every time you want to boss him around is going to eventually wear very thin with him, his mom and probably his brother. Grow up. You may have "won" this little battle, but I can sense that a fullscale war is going to happen here. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Oh for heavens sake is this grade school or what? If your Hs brother is going to marry a girl, you have to suck it in and be cool with it for the sake of the brothers feelings. Thats what you DO for family members. How do you know your Hs brother doesn't feel that way about you? Getting your MIL involved in your arguments is not a great idea- you guys need to be able to resolve your own conflict and make compromises together. Going running to his mom every time you want to boss him around is going to eventually wear very thin with him, his mom and probably his brother. Grow up. You may have "won" this little battle, but I can sense that a fullscale war is going to happen here. Ahhh, but the REAL question is did her husband end up going to his forbidden Vegas vacation bachelor party from before they got married? Who won THAT battle? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 This situation is so crazy. SO what if you don't like his brother's gf. Chances are, she is going to marry him and BE in the family. Get used to it! Look, I don't exactly enjoy my SIL either, but now because there are kids in the picture, I've learned to suck it up and deal with it. NO family is all happy and normal, let alone INLAW's family. This woman IS a part of your life, like it or not. It's unfair of you to control the situation, especially since you're not even going to be there. Isn't it BETTER that you're NOT home when she's around? This way you won't be putting up with her. Then when I'm not home he gets so plastered he throws up and is late to work everyday. Anyway, onto your husband. He needs to grow up and stop acting like teen. The drinking and stuff. There's alot more to married life than partying it up and getting smashed. Does he know that he has a drinking problem and it's only going to get worse? Are you trying to help him to stop drinking? HE is not husband material right now and sorry to say this, but DO NOT get pregnant. HE is NOT ready to be a responsible father. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Ahhh, but the REAL question is did her husband end up going to his forbidden Vegas vacation bachelor party from before they got married? Who won THAT battle? Hmmm! Well I guess they got married in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
pentacle Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 No....... there is no jealousy whatsoever. It's the principle....... the woman doesn't like me and I don't like her. I am not comfortable with her being in our home or our pool when I'm not home. I am not letting her use me just so she can go swimming at our home when she doesn't like us to begin with. My husband doesn't really like her either. For goodness sake, his brother has be engaged/disengaged to her 4 different times. I don't care if my husband uses the pool himself by himself while I'm gone; b/c that's what I would do if he was gone. I wouldn't have a party without him being home. Sorry...... its the principle that matters to me, not so much the pool. I just don't understand the comment about being uncomfortable - that implies you don't trust her and you think something irredeemable will happen - it is not the comment arising from a simple personality clash. Following on from other's comments really - by inviting your MIL to arbitrate between you and your husband over such a minor matter you are inviting her to interfere in your marriage over bigger issues. You will regret that action. Secondly, your BILs choice of spouse is his choice. You don't get to decide and if you are wise you will keep your less flattering thoughts in your head and not spout them because these come back to bite you too. Your responsiblity - seeing as you are so hot on principle - is to be a good family member, to acknowledge that there are different types of people in the family and that you try to get on or at least not cause ructions over minor issues for everyone's sake. At the end of the day your husband's family is his support mechanism and you should be in the business of ensuring that is maintained for his ultimate wellbeing. Thirdly - he drinks 12-24 cans of beer every evening? I'm surprised he's capable of getting up and functioning at all. If you've just finished university and he's a mailman and a piss artist missing work, where did the money from the pool come from? Doesn't add up. Or has he started drinking like this since you got married? Lastly - seriously, re-read you first post on this thread. Does that sound like an adult writing? If your husband had the same objections to your future BIL getting in your pool while he was away would you be thrilled to honour his demands do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Great post Pentacle. Its always nice to read articulate, good advice like yours. I hope you stick around LS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author go43ah Posted June 22, 2008 Author Share Posted June 22, 2008 My own family on my side isn't allowed to come over at all or he'll call the police on them. He brought a lot of this crap on himself. He can't keep his mouth shut and be respectful to my parents. He disrespects them every time he gets a chance. I'm not like that to his parents though. As far as my MIL getting involved, he's the one that thought I was outside but I wasn't. I was in the house in another room and I hear him on the phone w/his mom whining to her about the situation. She got involved b/c of him; I didn't want her involved to begin with. As far as my BIL goes, he's been engaged to this same girl off and on for 5-6 years. He's never went through w/it yet; so why would he now?? He has committment issues himself. My husband does drink that much and has always done that even before we got married. I don't like it that he does, but you can't control people and what they do. He has to be the one to realize he's an alcoholic, he also has to be the one that wants help; not me. Don't get me started on the money for the pool, etc. I've worked too; plus my savings account is the only reason we had a downpayment for the house. He didn't have any money saved up. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 To be perfectly honest, I just don't understand why you 2 are married in the first place??? This marriage has been doomed from before the beginning. The two of you have no respect for each other at all...that goes for BOTH of you. Are you really enjoying this marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
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