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AM I actually insane like he says or is he lying about cheating?


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I know its a long (boring) and cliched story...but I would appreciate any advice/opinions..

My man & I have been together 10 years (married 4), both have a child from previous relationships and the subsequent issues that go along with that as well as both coming from broken homes and the subsequent issues that brings...

Our relationship has always been on & off with various periods of living together and breaking up (every time we broke up he slept with someone else whereas I was 'faithful' for the whole 10 years) - when we got married I thought and felt it was a new start for us and that things would finally work out...3 months ago we sold our home and 'separated' (due to various pressures) although we both agreed we would remain committed to each other until we decided where our relationship was going.

HOWEVER - THE ISSUE:

We have dabbled in drugs (ecstacy) early on (4/5 years ago) and during these times, my man would cosy up to my best friend (female & married) and have D & M's (as you do on E) but occasionally this would move to light petting and kissing in my plain sight (I admit I tolerated this at first). Soon this spread to times we were not on drugs, sneaking and hiding this and I could see an 'intimacy' between them. Eventually this got to a stage where I snapped out and confronted them both (she denied everything and did not speak to me for months) whereas he admitted that he was attracted to her and had 'feelings' for her.

After this, we talked and I really thought we could patch things up and so our marriage went on. We continued to use drugs/drink at odd intervals with this couple and on each occasion the same things would happen (ie those two snuggling up - secret chats, alleged kissing etc) , we would fight each day after that etc etc.

This was never resolved satisfactorily and each occasion I would object to something I thought was 'over the line' and my man would say it hadnt happened or I had imagined/hallucinated it.

This finally all came to a head the other day when we were all (this couple and some other friends) out on a wine tasting/festival type day - we were on the dance floor when I looked over at those two and observed them kiss - my man then went in for what looked like another kiss and she turned away - it was at that point that I snapped and stormed out - obviously this ended in tears and arguments and him denying anything had happened. She came out and also stated nothing happened.

The implication and accusation from them both was that I was unbalanced - had imagined this and was obviously insane. I asked for an explanation of what I saw and nothing was forthcoming. I went home - he went out to a bar with her and our other friends.

Obviously this is biased towards my experience of what happened but I just cannot accept that I 'hallucinate' this stuff or that I misinterpret what I see - yes I am hypervigilante around those two due to what has gone on in the past but I honestly do not think I am insane. Can anyone offer an opinion?

 

PS - her husband has often been a 3rd party observer with me during these episodes and although we have never 'talked' about it (he is not the talking type) - I have felt that he has seen what Ive seen. He even a few times 'made a move' or suggested that WE do something together - I felt that this was in 'retaliation' or that he felt justified in suggesting this due to what THEY were doing...

 

PS - less I should be trying to sound like a saint or anything (which Im NOT) - last year I did get 'involved' with a man I met through work - no sex - but there was definately an emotional affair that went on for some months - this was during a particularly harrowing time in our marriage and my husband does NOT know - this has now stopped and was never 'consumated' - it doesnt make it right I know and it gives me a weak moral highground to stand on but I believe that I reached for emotional support and confirmation of my worth after putting up with a LOT from my husband.

 

God - I know this is a mess.

 

Any suggestions - opinions...thoughts..

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LucreziaBorgia

You are being gaslighted, and it is a classic case - it is a cruel thing that people who cheat on you do. They try to convince you that you are not seeing what is actually before you, that you are 'imagining' things. That you are paranoid and crazy, and because of that you are 'imagining' that something is going on. It is a way of manipulating someone, so that you have control over them - and it makes the person they are doing it to question their own reality and ability to perceive it. It allows the cheater to carry on the affair, and make you look like you are victimizing him, and casting unfair aspersions on his affair partner. They work together in cases like this. If you try to go to the OW, she participates in the gaslighting by doing the old "lie and deny" tactic. Then the OW gaslights her own partner.

 

MM/OW will take great measures to gaslight, lie, deny and deceive. Why? Because that is the lifeblood of an affair. The affair is only as strong as the lies and gaslighting that keep it going.

 

There is only one way to shatter a gaslighting WS and his accomplice OW - and that is to present solid, unrefutable proof that there is indeed an affair going on. Even then some WS will take it to an extreme. I read of one case where the BS actually caught the MM/OW in the act and he tried to convince the BS that she was hallucinating and that OW wasn't really there. Crazy stuff, eh?

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he needs to cut all contact with the OW.

 

these are NOT friends... my friends don't do these things to me or me to them. it is distrespecting you all the way around.

 

stay away from the drugs and alcohol - it seems these situations are not conducive to your so called marriage.

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brothermartin

You dont sound insane to me, but I think you would be better off with more posittive people in your life and less mind-altering drugs. They say you're crazy and it's got you doubting your own perceptions. You want proof? Heres how you get it: Go out with these people again, but be prepared this time with an outside friend with a digital camera.

Pretend to get high, let them feel comfortable about themselves, they will give you all the proof you need. Question is, what will you do with it?

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I know the drugs arent a good idea - we take them usually about 3 times a year if that so it isnt super-regular or anything...the alcohol may be another matter (for me) - I usually drink wine every night...I dont get 'pissed' but I can easily drink up most of a bottle myself...

 

About the other thing; the issue with getting proof (as some of you suggested) is that to me, it doesnt REALLY matter to me to 'prove' it - I know what I feel and see and believe and even if I did have it on film they would probably STILL deny it....

 

....it seems to me that there is no way to proceed with this - if he HAS been doing this stuff then I can never trust him again...if he HASNT, I dont believe him (and it means Im mental) and still cant trust him...I just dont see how it can move anywhere now...but yet I am unsure if I am ready/willing to let it go - I did make vows after all....

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