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Lack of sex is ruining our relationship


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Hi all,

 

Please help i dont know where to turn. My boyfriend isnt interested in sex anymore. Its been 4 months (we've been together for nearly 3 years and we're both in our mid 20s) and its killing me. I've tried it all, ive even tried not trying but nothing works. There's always an excuse eg. its too late, too early, hes sleepy.... Its been like this for the last year really.

 

We have major arguements that cause us to be on the verge of breaking up. He loves me and stll finds me attractive but i thnk that because there is now so much pressure for us to have sex neither of us knows how to get around it. Sex has become so forced. I know hes not cheating on me (nor is he gay) coz we spend all our time together so firstly i wont know where he'd fit in he time.

 

He goes on a lot of porn sites and downloads loads of films which i find so upsetting becuase hes obviously still interested in sex, just not with me. I wouldnt mind him going on the sites if we still have a healthy sex life, but we dont.

 

Please help im so upset and talk to him about it becuase he hates to bring it up becuase it adds so much pressure.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation? I know i deserve better but i love him.

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I can relate. My H and I have the same issues. I am 25 he is 30. We have sex about twice a month, but for the past year or so it's been forced. Both of us are afraid of getting hurt so neither of us initiates it and if/when we do, my H has a hard time getting an erection or keeping one. I know now that most of the issues are pshychological, I hurt him and put him on the spot about our sex life. He ruined my self esteem with his porn veiwing. The main thing is to realize it's not about sex anymore, not physically, it's emotional.

 

You have to try to take the pressure away. It will be a long road, but you need try to make him feel as good about himself as possible. While also working on yourself. Sorry I could not help more.

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There are many physical and psychological factors that can cause disinterest in sex and they have to be addressed.

 

First, he should undergo a thorough physical exam by a competent medical doctor. If no physicial reasons are found for a reduced libido, then he needs to go off to a competent psychologist to get to the bottom of the problem. There may be psychological factors that go as far back as his childhood.

 

Some physical causes of dimished libido are: excessive masturbation; heart disease; prescription and nonprescription medications; diabetes; hypogycemia; poor nutrition; inadequate rest, etc., etc.

 

There are numerous psychological reasons as well and a psychologist can go over these with the two of you once he sees both of you together. In my opinion, sex mostly takes place in the head so if there isn't enough visual and sensual stimulation in wide variation it can get monotonous after a time. For some people, it takes years to get to that point...others, three or four months.

 

Get some outside help RIGHT AWAY!!!

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Hi all,

 

Please help i dont know where to turn. My boyfriend isnt interested in sex anymore. Its been 4 months (we've been together for nearly 3 years and we're both in our mid 20s) and its killing me. I've tried it all, ive even tried not trying but nothing works. There's always an excuse eg. its too late, too early, hes sleepy.... Its been like this for the last year really.

 

We have major arguements that cause us to be on the verge of breaking up. He loves me and stll finds me attractive but i thnk that because there is now so much pressure for us to have sex neither of us knows how to get around it. Sex has become so forced. I know hes not cheating on me (nor is he gay) coz we spend all our time together so firstly i wont know where he'd fit in he time.

 

He goes on a lot of porn sites and downloads loads of films which i find so upsetting becuase hes obviously still interested in sex, just not with me. I wouldnt mind him going on the sites if we still have a healthy sex life, but we dont.

 

Please help im so upset and talk to him about it becuase he hates to bring it up becuase it adds so much pressure.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation? I know i deserve better but i love him.

 

First off, do you think you have a hang up with sex? Are you using it as a validation for a "good" relationship? It certianly can be but it is not the only thing that validates your self worth or relationship's worth. Conversely, perhaps it is this fact alone which bringing you down; as they say - when the sex is good it's only 10% of the relationship, but when it's really bad it's 90% of the relationship!

 

Obviously your method of fighting, depression, force, anger, attention, etc. isn't solving the issue, stay positive and try to work with him. Honestly it might be too late for that as he may have been pushed to hard on it. I think he could have a lot of different issues concerning sex, one being the idealized view of it, that he looks at gorgeous women and holds all women to that unfair standard thus reducing arousal, intimacy issues, intimidated by your hyper sexual behavior, and so forth. In other words, he probably needs you to back off and really an earnest discussion with you and a professional. If he is totally unwilling (either because of you or himself), you should seriously consider moving on at your age. I'm sorry.

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Hey,

 

thanks for all the replies it really has been insightful to get an outsider point of view. I would especially like to thank Redfathon. I will certainly try and back off. I think you're right by saying that and i know its going to be a long road but we both know are relationship is worth holding onto. We have both decided to 'take the pressure off it'.

 

It really does help to know im not the only one going through this

 

xxx

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I think i may be doing that. Ive got so hung up about it ive neglected all the good points. I really do need to let go and let it run naturally again. Im putting too much pressure on him and i realise that now

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I think i may be doing that. Ive got so hung up about it ive neglected all the good points. I really do need to let go and let it run naturally again. Im putting too much pressure on him and i realise that now

 

Honestly, I think you don't get it. Things probably won't get better.

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