redfathom Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 I have een friends with this girl for about a year. Her and I used to work together and she also dated my brother in law for about four months. Since then they have been on and off again "friends with benefits" basically when ever she is in between boyfriends she calls on him to substitue her needs. This part of our relationships has always bothered me for many reasons: She would obesses over ther relationship even while I was seperating from my husband, I always had to listen to her and help her and she used up so much of my energy. I was having difficulties in a 9 year relationship but her four month relationship required more attention or so she acted. I don't like that she uses guys to make herself feel better about her self with out regard to the feelings of these guys. She thought my BIL gave her an STD then four days later she slept with him because she was lonley and a week later this guy from her highschool came to visit her (stayed with her) and they hooked up. When they broke up after three months she went straight back to my BIL (who she ignored while she was dating this other guy). In the past three months I have seen her once. We usd to see each other every week and talk everyday. She often does not respond to my e-mails and does not seem concerened with how my life is going. I was always there for her and now that she has new friends at her new job and was talking to my BIL it seems like she has moved on. We were supposed to have plans this Saturday and she informed me that she has dinner plans. When I asked her if she had a date she said she as going out with a bunch of her new friends. Remember the song mke new friends but keep the old. I get the feeling that she is kind of selfish (arn't we all sometimes, I am sure I sound that way now) she is always late to meet me, like 15 min or so. Which makes me feel like she does not consider my time as valuable as her time. Any crisis in her relationship always had to come first (even though she was always the cause of most issues). She makes plans with me then makes other plans and ditches me. Should I say something to her or just walk away and write her off for good? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 "kind of" selfish? oh honey, she done fell into the pool and got soaked in selfishness! :laugh: seriously, as much as it troubles you, it sounds like there's really nothing left of your friendship to try to keep. Just walk away a wiser person, and don't expect to hear from her unless she wants something from you. In which case, tell her to take a flying leap. And wear a big smile when you say it. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 I say don't contact her anymore and don't return any of her calls, etc..she sounds like type that uses people for her own "social" benefit...she played "lets be friends" with you because your a tie to the BIL...she doesn't ask how your life's going cuz she doesn't really care (thats harsh but probably true) In my opinion if she really considered you a friend she would invite you along with her and her "new friends"...what a b*tch. You don't owe her any explanation, just drop her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redfathom Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 Quakanne, I was thinking she was selfish but I did not want to come out and say it. I have been feeling this way for a while. On my b-day in April she made this big deal about not wanting to talk to my BIL who was of course going to be there and pretending like she did not know so she could ask him if he was going then telling him not to talk to her. Yet the whole time she spent with him. LoveLace, I have been trying to decide if I should confront her on the way she has been acting or just stop contact. I too was wondering why if we were such good friends would be not invite me along to meet her new friends. The place we were supposed to go on Saturday, she said she would TRY to go for an hour or two, I told her since is $35 to even get in there is no point in her going for an hour or two. I think she got the hint because her response was: "oh". Link to post Share on other sites
Author redfathom Posted August 24, 2007 Author Share Posted August 24, 2007 So my friend has basically been ignoring me (see abov). Even when I try to make an effort to hang out with her she is always busy or cancels because she is hanging out with someone else. So I invited her to a movie today and said she was going to the movies with someone, but I could come along. Then she leaves me a VM that says since she is moving this weekend this person and her are going to hang out at her house while she packs and I am "more then welcome to come over if I feel like it". So I told her I was going to pass (I have a migraine) but to have fun. So she replies "Okie Dokie, thanks". I have been thinking about asking her what is up for a while so I decided to. I asked her if she was mad and she said: "Nah, just stressed out, my life in in turmoil right now, I will drop you a list some time in September". So I replied with this: "Not to stress you out further, but: I have tried making an effort to hang out and you awlays seem to have plans with other people or cancel our plans so you can hang out with other people. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel that as you get over x (my brother in law she used to date) you feel no need to be friends with me. I guess it is hard not to take it personal when you seem to have time for everyone else but me whether or not your life is in turmoil. So I hope things get better for you and if I am overreacting, then drop me a line after things settle down for you." Do you think I was too harsh? Or overreacting? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 No. I don't. I would have just dropped her. And I've dropped so called "friends" like her many times in my life. I can't be friends with people who take more out of me than they give. It just doesn't work for me. Or who make me feel like we're in a competition. I've always been jealous of women who have lifelong girlfriends. Or girlfriends of many years. I always thought they knew some secret that I didn't know. I even "dumped" my friend from third grade when I was in my 20's because of this same issue. What's happened to you is common I guess. I used to think it was just me. You can do better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redfathom Posted August 24, 2007 Author Share Posted August 24, 2007 So my "friend" replied to me, she said (summarizing): that I cancel just as many times as she does, because 1. I have a migraine (haha) or 2. because I want to spend time with my H. (In defense to that he works gave and weekends, so we don't have any days off together and during the week I see him for about two hours every day. But Fridays and Wed. I see him less if at all because I am with friends). She said, that she is tired and sometimes has to cancel and that she has to split her time between friends. She also mentioned that my brother in law is over a lot and she does not want to see him so she cancels. He only comes over on Friday's. So I replied that I am not excusing myself, I am only saying that I lost a reason to keep putting an effort in and I was always the one inviting her out, or if she already had plans asking to come along. I mean she is hanging out with someone we both worked with so why not call and invite me, when they made plans in the begining. I was again the one to take the first step to e-mail her to see if she wanted to hang out today. I also told her that if her life is in turmoil why would she stop talking to me, friends are supposed to help each other and that was what we used to do. Also, my life has jst as many problems, but I still care about how others are doing. I mean it seems to always be about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 It seems that way because it is. Why do you even want to be friends with someone like that? I'd rather not have a girlfriend or girlfriends at ALL. And believe me, I've put my money where my mouth is on that score. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redfathom Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 So my friend sent me another e-mail that she did not recall cancelling for the reasons I stated and if she did, those reasons are not any better or worse then me cancelling because I am spending time with my husband, umm...wtf. I cancelled on her because I was spending time with husband, but that is the same as her cancelling on me to spend time with her "new friends". Also, I was thinking back when we worked together, she was in charge of planning a company trip to Aruba, she messed up a few times, did not book flights for people, had them on wrong flight, had married people in rooms with wrong spouses, ect. I ended up spending about 50 hours on this with her to save her but. Confirmed flights, changed flights, and organized a bunch of stuff. When it came down to it she tried to take all the credit, even though she admitted to me that I saved her butt from getting fired. I ended up telling her that it was BS for her to take all the credit so she sent an e-mail two weeks later to one of the bosses that I had helped her and she appreciated it. She said she misses me and wants me to come to a house warming party she is having, I have not replied to her message yet, because I am not sure what to say. She also said she thought about calling me and inviting me out. I guess I know what to do but I am being too nice. What do you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 So if it's a party where a gift is required, she remembers to contact you but not to just get together? Wow. She's using you just like she did before. Link to post Share on other sites
The slayer Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 I'm with Touche here... This isn't a friend, it's what I've come to call an emotional vampire Someone who turns up to drain you of energy, never there for you or when you need them, let you down all the time, but expect you to be there for them on their terms. The get away with this cos they are funny or charming and always manage to pull a a nice gesture out of the hat just as you are about to give up on them! Not a friend. Just let them go friendship takes time and energy and none of us have enough of that to waste it on those who don't deserve it and give us nothing back. For the record Touche it's my belief that people only sustain life long friendships when they hardly ever see each other! x Link to post Share on other sites
Author redfathom Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 I mentioned to my BIL that I was not going to hang out with her anymore and he was like, why, "shes a sweet girl". I only stated my reasons above, but what he does not know is at the end of them dating, she came to me upset and crying because she said she could not have have kids. When I asked her how she knew she said that she had stopped taking her birth control pills and she did not get pregant. I was shocked this is something he did not know about because he does not want kids. They had only been dating for three months. I have never said anything to him about it, but is a huge reason why I don't want to be freinds with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Slayer, great post. And interesting theory on that last part. I think you might be right. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 I mentioned to my BIL that I was not going to hang out with her anymore and he was like, why, "shes a sweet girl". I only stated my reasons above, but what he does not know is at the end of them dating, she came to me upset and crying because she said she could not have have kids. When I asked her how she knew she said that she had stopped taking her birth control pills and she did not get pregant. I was shocked this is something he did not know about because he does not want kids. They had only been dating for three months. I have never said anything to him about it, but is a huge reason why I don't want to be freinds with her. That alone would have been enough of a reason for me to dump her ass. She's of low character. Surely you can do better than this. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 I had a good long time friend but his behavior became mad toxic and I dropped him after we had an arguement. He was getting out of control, alcholic, sleeping with married woman , putting his life in danger, driving while drunk. It was like he was on the road to crash and I couldnt help him nor enable him. Also there was a thing where he had of trying to emulate what I was doing. If I wanted to do music he wanted in. I mean it became mad annoying. I just couldnt deal with the bull****! So I did what was right and just asked him dont bother calling me again. We is done being cool. I guess at the end I matured and grew up, he kinda didnt. If it's becoming a burden to your growth as a person and they aint doing right. Then it's time to bounce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redfathom Posted September 25, 2007 Author Share Posted September 25, 2007 So it's been a while. After starting this thread, I stopped talking to my friend and I have not been too torn up about it. I just got an e-mail from her saying that she has Friday off and wants to know if she can come to my work and take me to lunch. I am not sure what I should say. I have a hard time dealing with confrontation. Any advice on how I should handle this? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 Yeah, Me, I'd apply my foot to her rear end! Butt, maybe thats a little too direct an approach. Is there any reason you wouldnt want to burn bridges with this girl? Otherwise... you can always just not reply! Or tell her your busy. Or perhaps you may be interested in taking her up on this... what could that hurt? Link to post Share on other sites
Author redfathom Posted September 25, 2007 Author Share Posted September 25, 2007 I guess I am too nice of a person, I always have been. I tend to let people walk all over me, so it's no wonder I am considering giving her a 2nd chance. I also know that it's not a beneficial relationship and at this time I am content and do not need the drama. We got very close very quickly and confided several things to each other but then I realized she took too much energy out of me. She needed someone to lean on and I just got tired of it. I had/have to much of my own baggage to carry with out helping her carry her's. If it wasn't for the birth control issue I would consider being friends with her, but that is a huge issue, that shows how selfish and inconsiderate she is. I have not responded to her because I don't want to be rash. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 LOL... sounds like she is a real jewel! Maybe its best that you just continue to not respond, and if you do I would hesitate to provide any personal information to her! Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 I also know that it's not a beneficial relationship and at this time I am content and do not need the drama. You may have just found your answer as to what you need to do, with your above statement. If its not beneficial and you don't need the drama, might be best to let it all go. Link to post Share on other sites
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