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For the first time, I am at a loss for words.


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This didn't happen to me, but one of my good friends, R. I'm literally just at a loss for words...not sure how I would react.

 

Imagine this scenario:

 

You are in a somehow-undefined relationship with someone who you have been dating since January. Your “SO” (for lack of a better term for this thread) lives 85 miles away in San Francisco. The two of you have yet to have "the talk." Nevertheless, there seems to be an understanding of some level of commitment to one another, as you see each other every weekend for the entire weekend and you refuse to date anyone else. However, there is an imbalance because you are always the one going to see your SO. Your SO has only come to see you twice - once on your birthday in February (and had to be coerced to even do so), and once this past weekend. Your SO claims it is “too much of a hassle” to leave the city to come see you, and explains that if you don’t go to him/her, you’re just simply not going to see them.

 

On the most recent occasion where you SO does come to see you, you have your first argument while out to dinner as a result of really bad miscommunication. It is a passionate argument, complete with public crying. You reconcile, and go home to your place to enjoy the rest of the evening together. Later that night, while you’re asleep, your SO gets up and quietly slips out, leaving you alone without waking you to tell you that s/he’s leaving to go home – 85 miles away. Your SO doesn’t decide to get up and watch TV, read a book, or wake you for some nookie. You SO completely leaves, and doesn’t leave a note, doesn’t text, and doesn’t call to tell you about that decision. The following morning, you text your SO about having left you in the middle of the night, and the only response you get is, “Sorry I left, I couldn’t sleep.”

 

How would you react to this?

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well i myself would have said "you shouldve woke me up to let me know you left and then called when you got home so i know you made it home safely"

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The SO isn't an SO at all. It sounds like the "understanding of some level of commitment" was a one-sided assumption on R's part.

 

If I were in R's position I would be pissed but that's theoretical because I would never be in R's position. I wouldn't consider that person my SO until I had "the talk" and I certainly wouldn't wait 6 months before doing so (provided I was seriously interested in the person).

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TB - okay I hear you, but even if you're just "dating" - assume it's like a month or something, whatever - isn't that still very, very rude and a totally passive-aggressive way to deal with an argument? He "couldn't sleep" because he was stewing, so he goes home (and not just around the corner, remember).

 

I suppose there's other history that goes into it, but maybe it doesn't matter.

 

I agree with you about it being an assumption on her part because no official "talk" has taken place...BUT Chris (the dude) refers to R as his girlfriend to colleagues and friends and introduces her as such. At her birthday he introduced HIMSELF to her friends as her BF. During the dinner argument, he also said something like, "You're my GF, this is how it's supposed to be!!" For one weird reason or another, R hasn't agreed/disagreed with this definition to his face, just to her friends. I don't understand it.

 

It's like she doesn't want to admit to herself that she's in a relationship. But that's neither here nor there, I suppose.

 

Most of my friends are like, "OMG NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN!!!!" I wasn't ready to jump to that conclusion...

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I have no idea then. The whole situation sounds odd. Are they hippies? Hippies tend to have very loose definitions as far as relationships go. If not, then Chris might just not know how to handle relationships. The only other possibility that comes to mind is that he has multiple gf's.

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R is somewhat of a hippie, I guess. She's an uberliberal public defender who's perpetually late and mismatched (I love her though, don't get me wrong). Chris, on the other hand, is an uberconservative IP attorney. They are an odd pair, I suppose.

 

What I find so funny about this is my urge to say, "I told you so!!"

 

Back in March, I was suggesting that if she was going to continue seeing him exclusive of anyone else that she really needed to have "the talk." She and our mutual best friend, M, vehemently said, "Noooo, it's not necessary...the boundaries and expectations are CLEAR." I really thought they were crazy and that it was necessary, because without discussing it she wasn't really entitled to have any expectations of him whatsoever.

 

Her response, even now? "I want HIM to bring it up."

 

And I have a feeling he's sitting at home telling HIS roommate, "I want HER to bring it up."

 

:rolleyes:

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I have no idea then. The whole situation sounds odd. Are they hippies? Hippies tend to have very loose definitions as far as relationships go. If not, then Chris might just not know how to handle relationships. The only other possibility that comes to mind is that he has multiple gf's.

 

That's just not right. I mean generalizations like that are wrong. Not all hippies have "loose" definitions as far as definitons go. Some of those hippies are married for many, many years. Some of them hippies actually don't have such "loose" definitions as far as relationships go..as some might think. They know the "real" thing when they see it. They're not all into plastic models of a person, you know?

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Are you a hippie, Touche? Are you coming out of the hippie closet? Ha ha.

 

People were calling me a hippie when I had my Hair avatar. But all the time they were pointing fingers at the wrong person.

 

SG, I don't like it when things are vague, but sometimes things can be unspoken if two people understand each other. It doesn't sound like your friends do, though.

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Are you a hippie, Touche? Are you coming out of the hippie closet? Ha ha.

 

People were calling me a hippie when I had my Hair avatar. But all the time they were pointing fingers at the wrong person.

 

SG, I don't like it when things are vague, but sometimes things can be unspoken if two people understand each other. It doesn't sound like your friends do, though.

 

Oh please. You're no more a hippie than I am. But we'll defend to our death the right to be one, right?

 

As far as the topic...yes, what Story said..yeah. And also, what I said. And also, tell them to immediately practice NC. I mean immediately.

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For another POV...

 

When I read this, I felt like buddy is maybe strange about sleeping away from home. Maybe he's got some sort of anxiety about being outside his comfort zone ("uberconservative IP attorney" - my generalization about anyone "uber" anything and "conservative" is that they're often anxious folks) and was compelled to leave due to that. If your GF is into him, I'd suggest to lay off the fire and ponder some other reasons he left. Anxious guys wouldn't wake up their SO to say "I feel a little funny not in my bed, your sheets don't smell like mine and I miss the sound of my faucet dripping... I'm going to go home now". What would you think if a grown "Uberconservative IP attorney" said that to you?

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I don't know Star. I was reading the post and was wondering why anyone would be surprised by this. He sounds like he feels she is wrapped around his finger and acts as such. I'm not really sure what the great thing is about this one-sided relationship that makes her travel to him every weekend while he can't dothe same. There must be something great about it, but I don't see it.

 

He's insulting her with his actions and she will continue to let it happen?

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whichwayisup

I would end it immediately because ANY guy who couldn't communicate, had to leave in the middle of the night, couldn't come see me and made ME travel to him said this:

 

Your SO claims it is “too much of a hassle” to leave the city to come see you, and explains that if you don’t go to him/her, you’re just simply not going to see them.

 

Means that he isn't into me or isn't willing to put in effort.

 

Tell your friend to DUMP him and find a man who will treat her better and not be such an assfool.

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How would you react to this?

 

I personally would not see him again based on this whole situation. How rude and yes I would be mad.

 

Your SO claims it is “too much of a hassle” to leave the city to come see you

 

If it's too much of a hassle then that shows me that I'm a waste of time and so is he.

 

Sure long distances are hard, but efforts have to be made on both parts otherwise the relatonship if they even have one (I doubt) fails.

 

I don't see anything coming out of this and it's best if she moves on and finds someone else worthy of time.

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SG, I don't like it when things are vague, but sometimes things can be unspoken if two people understand each other. It doesn't sound like your friends do, though.

 

I agree - they simply don't know how to communicate with one another.

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For another POV...

 

When I read this, I felt like buddy is maybe strange about sleeping away from home. Maybe he's got some sort of anxiety about being outside his comfort zone ("uberconservative IP attorney" - my generalization about anyone "uber" anything and "conservative" is that they're often anxious folks) and was compelled to leave due to that. If your GF is into him, I'd suggest to lay off the fire and ponder some other reasons he left. Anxious guys wouldn't wake up their SO to say "I feel a little funny not in my bed, your sheets don't smell like mine and I miss the sound of my faucet dripping... I'm going to go home now". What would you think if a grown "Uberconservative IP attorney" said that to you?

 

That's a possibility, but it's unlikely in this situation I think. I know I generally have a hard time sleeping at someone else's place for the first 3-4 times I'm there, so I see what you're saying. But this guy refuses to come to R in the first place, she always has to go to him, and it has nothing to do with the comfort of the sleeping arrangements. He just likes his city more, and doesn't like to drive. He admitted he left in the middle of the night because he was stewing over their argument and didn't want to be around her anymore. It wasn't until he apparently had a conversation with a female friend of his back in the city wherein SHE told him what he had done was f'ed up that he spit out his lame "sorry." He didn't realize that leaving in the middle of the night without so much as gently waking her to let her know was a little rude. Probably because he doesn't really care about her feelings, I don't know.

 

I don't know Star. I was reading the post and was wondering why anyone would be surprised by this. He sounds like he feels she is wrapped around his finger and acts as such. I'm not really sure what the great thing is about this one-sided relationship that makes her travel to him every weekend while he can't dothe same. There must be something great about it, but I don't see it.

 

He's insulting her with his actions and she will continue to let it happen?

 

R has a habit of getting really wrapped up in her relationships and losing herself. We all kinda dread when she starts dating someone new, because she literally just disappears. She makes no effort to make him apart of her life, doesn't integrate him into our social circle, lets go of important things in her life, etc., all to please him. She sacrafices everything. The dude generally never really knows her friends...she just finds a way to fit into HIS life. She's already talking about moving to the city, and they haven't even had "the talk" yet!!

 

As a side note, he got pissed over Memorial Day weekend that she wouldn't come see him. Why? Because her sister was in labor with twins back in her teeny tiny home town, and then one of the babies had to be taken to Reno to survive. R went with the ill baby to Reno because her sister couldn't leave the teeny tiny town. Chris demanded that she come to S.F. to spend the weekend with him instead of going with the ill baby...and this argument carried over to last weekend. That's what he was mad about at the restaurant, that she didn't keep her commitment to him to see him...but her sister was in LABOR!!!

 

THAT would have made me breakup with him. But that's just me.

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Trialbyfire

Your g/f has overinvested too quickly in a guy who's actions scream uninvested. She is going to get hurt badly because she's empowering him to treat her like a doormat.

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Too much of a hassle to drive the 85 miles but expects the other person to drive it? I would have said "see ya" after the first couple of refusals. Switch off visits or forget it.

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I don't know, I can honestly say that I would have never find myself in that position to start with. Unless I didn't care about the guy or a commitment I would not allow things to stay casual and unsaid for so long. And if I didn't care about him much I wouldn't be driving to see him every weekend.

 

I think by stepping down to him so much (going there because he didn't want to bother, not wanting to bring up any relationship talk though she wanted to) she created the sort of relationship where he feels justified to pull this sort of crap. I hope sh isn't planning on seeing him again.

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..BUT Chris (the dude) refers to R as his girlfriend to colleagues and friends and introduces her as such. At her birthday he introduced HIMSELF to her friends as her BF. During the dinner argument, he also said something like, "You're my GF, this is how it's supposed to be!!"..

 

He says this and then he thinks its Ok to treat her like that?

 

I think he was VERY VERY rude, and demanding and selfish.

 

The thing with the sister in labour would have been a dealbreaker for me the new improved sb129 who knows her own self worth.

 

But I am sorry to say that in the past, I have been guilty of putting up with some pretty bad behaviour from the exMM of a similar nature.

On several occasions he laid into me at a restaurant, making me cry in public.

He felt threatened by all my friends, so I stopped seeing alot of them because I got so brainwashed by his NPD BS.

 

A whole other story, but as much as it pains me to say it, I can see why some women put up with this stuff rather than being alone. I was one of them.

 

Your friend may not be like this SG, so sorry if I am making presumptions about her.

 

Anyway, back to the point- the new sb129 wouldn't put up with this kind of treatment and nor should any self-respecting person.

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I don't know, I can honestly say that I would have never find myself in that position to start with. Unless I didn't care about the guy or a commitment I would not allow things to stay casual and unsaid for so long. And if I didn't care about him much I wouldn't be driving to see him every weekend.

 

I think by stepping down to him so much (going there because he didn't want to bother, not wanting to bring up any relationship talk though she wanted to) she created the sort of relationship where he feels justified to pull this sort of crap. I hope sh isn't planning on seeing him again.

 

Yes, you really do teach others how to treat you. And once a bad precedent has been set, it's pretty hard to turn it around.

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