Living together=Less Sex?

[Guest]

It seems to be the case. I would think it would be the opposite, i.e. you now have instant and consistant access to sex with you s.o. since you are living together...but....it seems that since there is no "urgency" or feelings of "when can he get it next" he wants it less. Like "I can get it anytime, so I don't "pine away" for it. It available anytime.

My b.f. said he pleasured himself 4 times a week when living alone/not in a relationship, but since living with me is satisfied with having sex once a week.

 

Is this true for most men? Knowing you have it right here, you want it less because you know it's there? Does not having a woman make you want it more?? I would think having a woman laying next to you every night would make you want it more?? Is my b.f unique in this thinking?? I'm starting to wonder if it's his desire for me that is lacking??

On another note..he works long hours and comes home tired. Alot.

[UCFKevin]

WHOA! I thought this was going to be a GUY asking this question.

 

Hell no, it ain't the case with all men. Maybe some, obviously, since you're dealing with it, but with me, it was my ex that wouldn't want to do anything. The courting period, all the time, and we did move in together a little too soon, I will admit that, but after I did move in, it was the Sahara desert basically for the rest of the relationship. She'd treat sex like it was a chore to do at the end of the night.

 

Hence the word...ex.

[blind_otter]

No this isn't the case with all men. My SO is a carpenter and works on old houses all day, comes home sweaty and tired and always passes out by 10pm. But we still have sex at least once a day.

[Guest]

Ok, also you should know he is only 30 yrs. old.

We were talking and he said, "When I lived alone/was alone, I masterbated ALOT...(we were talking about his seemingly low libido) He said, "it seems when you don't have "it" you think about "getting it" all the time, hence the need for alot of masterbation.

BUT.....now that he is "living with someone, the urgency/wondering/worrying about when you are going to get it next is not there" so he isn't "thinking about sex all the time"

Now I will say I am a total horn-dog. I would have it 3+ times a week if I could. I offer him oral etc...and he sometimes turns me down. ("I'm too tired and wouldn't be enjoying it I would be "half-there" I'd rather wait till I can fully enjoy it (maybe 3 days on our Sat. night alone, kind of thing)

I will say that we do live with a roomate and my son who is here part-time. But even on the nights we are alone, he isn't always into it.

He is outwardly affectionate/touchy feely with me alot, but the actual sex itself is down to once a week.

I do know that men's libidos go WAY down at night and I have suggested he wake up a bit earlier in the morning and we do it then. (since he comes home exhausted) but he barely gets up in time to make it to work half the time.

Perhaps I have been putting to much emphasis on this and he feels pressured. (I have brought it up often, but in a "how can we work on this kind of way") But, maybe his ego is bruised now? (he did have sexual issues with his ex, she complained (not so nicely, or with any consideration for him i.e "Well, I guess I'll go get my vibrator since you came too fast" so maybe this is too sensitive a subject for him and my bringing it up often has made him put up a wall. Or maybe he needs to be "in control" of when and where because he had none in the last relationship? (due to her belittling him)

Thoughts????

[Krytellan]

No, it's not necessarily normal. I wanted it at least 5 times a week until my wife finally beat me down (no pun intended... it wasn't a good thing). Then it became hardly ever, but then she was the ice queen.

 

Umm... back to point. NO, some guys do want it all the time, living together or not. I would take it almost nightly if possible. And the strange thing is I only pleasure myself about 1/week when I'm single... go figure.

[Walk]

My bf's the same way. He works insane hours, so that's part of the problem. The other part is he has issues about sex, and past gf's screwing with the top head instead of the bottom.

 

Anyway... I have some suggestions.

 

You need to put more effort into arousing him then you do into talking about the problem. Basically, less talk more action.

 

Sounds like he is pretty comfortable telling you that he wants to wait on sex, but you also should let him know that you are okay with him rescheduling a better time. Be supportive, understanding, and accepting. It sounds like you do this now, but I would also suggest telling him point blank that if/when he changes his mind, that you would love to be intimate with him. Let him know that he can change his mind, and you'd still love to have sex whenever he's ready kind of thing. Takes pressure off him.

 

A majority of times with my bf, his initial reaction is he's too tired. I have to put the suggestion in his head and let it sit there for 10-15 minutes. Like planting the suggestion, letting it roll around in his head for a bit, and letting his body catch up with his head. I'll go sit on the couch next to him just wearing panties and a bra, make a few sexual suggestions, he says he's too tired... I let him know it's alright, and steer the conversation on to some non-stressful topic (video games, tv shows, etc.). I'm still sitting there half naked, that thought is still implanted in his head, and if he's got any energy at all left, then 9 times out of 10 we end up having awesome sex. But I have to create a situation where he's not required to perform.

 

Since both of your libido's are at different levels, is it an option to have him give you oral instead of asking him for sex? This is the easiest way for me to get my bf "up" for the idea of sex. Almost always works. I tell him how hot and horny I am, that I absolutely Have to have him go down on me. Havign his face between my legs gets him aroused, and he's ready to go after a couple minutes. If he still isn't aroused enough to have sex (which happens sometimes) then he gets the ego boost of knowing he made his gf come. He ends up feeling like "The Man". Increases his confidence, and feels like he's capable/able to satisfying his woman. The more confidence he has in his abillities to satisfy you, the more sexual he'll become.

 

Plus, it's arousing to have your partner show you that they really want sex, and asking for oral means that he can get you off without worrying about how long he'll last before coming. Negates the horrible crap his ex told him about his abillity to last. If you get off from oral, then there's no pressure on him to "last" during penetration. All he has to do is focus on how good it feels with you. Not on trying to stop an orgasm until you finally come through penetration.

 

Other thought. Start sexually teasing your guy as soon as he walks in the door. In a suggestive way, not in a "take me now" way. For example.. ask him how your butt looks in the jeans you're wearing. maybe rub your behind a bit. Ask him how your breasts look in that shirt/bra whatever. Accentuate your sexuality by bringing it to his attention verbally and physically. Doesn't have to be this huge production, just one minute here, one minute there. Focus his attention on what makes you a woman, and especially any parts he's mentioned make him wild in the past. Usually butts, breats, hips.. wiggle for him, show off your assets. Then go back to whatever it was the two of you were doing.

 

Basically, you need to pick up the slack for the sexual side of the relationship right now. He needs you to do this for him. A man can't ask for something like that, it'd be demeaning to him. It would re-enforce his feelings of not being man enough. Relationships are supposed to be equal, but they don't always work that way in real life. One person has issues, problems, a period of time where they aren't capable of carrying their half. I think you could help him with this, and also benefit from helping him. You would get sex more often, and he would feel more confident and capable sexually. It'll probably take months before you start to see any real improvement on his part, but if you want that life long relationship with this man, then 4-6 months really is a drop in the bucket if you look at the bigger picture.

[Krytellan]

Well done Walk. I have to agree. If you were to compare outcomes of letting the brain decide vs. letting the body decide, you would find the results are skewed toward the body. For example, well, my gf is a horndog anyway, but on occasion where she has said no for whatever reason... given 30 seconds of some form of sensual (not animalistic) arousal and it's game on.

 

So yes, use action... less talking. If you want to do something with him. Wait, another point I wanted to make is that it shouldn't be just up to him... you have desires too ya know. He should be thinking of you too. Now, if you want something, rather than asking just lean over and start doing something sensual, like stroking his inner leg or something. I would think he would have to be dead to not get aroused by that. And once the blood starts flowing, it's amazing how quickly the "tired" goes away.

 

When you want something... take it. Guys like that too ya know

[Walk]

When you want something... take it. Guys like that too ya know

 

They do. Quite a lot.

 

I don't know about the lady who made this thread, but I know that a lot of times I think I'm being sexually suggestive, and my bf doesn't get it. Falls flat. I had to be a little more bold, learn what phrases, actions really say to him "F me now!" (I'm too subtle)

 

That inner leg action doesn't work on my guy. But standing in front of him wiggling my butt will do wonders. It's really about learning what things are most likely to turn your partner on. Asking questions, and trying new things no matter how often they don't get the results you want. Sometimes it's trial and error. Sometimes your partner can give you a couple ideas that will work a majority of the time. Combine the trial and error results with the suggestions your partner gave you, and you've got an arsenal of actions to get the both of you in the right frame of mind.

[Guest]

Thank you for such a thought provoking reply, you really put alot into it! It was VERY helpful!

 

I do alot of the "innuendos" and sexually flirting, but usually it doesn't work. I will also say to him point blank...Do you want a b.j.? Sometimes he says, "How about tomorrow night?" "I'm too tired tonight" Same goes for sex. "How about tomorrow/Sat.night" which is usually fine, except sometimes I get frustrated and admit will sigh in frustrastion. (sometimes...not often) I feel frustrated because I desire him constantly, I've always had a very high libido and for him to be able to turn me down, hurts my self esteem. Like thoughts of "maybe if I was thinner, prettier he would be all over me"

 

I know it's not true, but a woman cant help but "go there in her head" when being turned down over and over. He DOES do the sexual flirty thing too....but it usually stops at that. It seems it's always ME intitiating the actual sex. I think when I back off 100% he does come to me, but it would only be once a week......I guess once a week is hard for me to accept. And it's frustrating.

 

Looking back I think I have put too much pressure on him......I have probably made a few comments that might have put a damper on things...."maybe we could look into getting some herbs/vitamins for you libido" and like I said, have "sighed" on occasion or pouted about it....

Looking inward I think alot of it is my self-esteem and being selfish perhaps....taking things too personally and not looking at the big picture...he works alot, plays volleyball 2 nights a week, gets home late/gets up early.

 

I think I will try and experiment......I will be flirty, lighthearted, sexual in a non-obvious way (like walk suggested, flirt then let it sink in...with no comments/signs of "frustration" on my part) and SEE what happens....maybe if I am still showing him I want him, but not "demanding" it, per se'....then he will "want it more" no pressures attached.....

 

Oh and on the oral sex idea.....he isn't into oral....I have had it three times in the past year. We have discussed it and he says it's "just something he likes to do" I have told him how much I love it when he does that and would like him to try to do it more for me.....but nothing......finally after 4 months (after telling him straightfowardly I would love him to do it) I layed him on the bed, and basically "instructed him" into the 69 position.....Then a month later I was talking about how good it felt. At one point in the conversation he said, "If you know I don't like to do it, why make me?"

 

I told him I think alot of our issues sexually, stem from what the EX did to him and this is his way of "regaining control"

Meaning, he is in control if HE is saying NO to me, if he is saying no to oral, if he is in the drivers seat.

Ugh....seems to be alot more issues here, eh?

Ok, so do I stick to the plan of just chilling out, being flirty,sexy girl with no expectations and see where that leads us?

Or????????

[Krytellan]

OK look. My ex-wife and I have been separated for about 10 months now. When we first got together we both wanted it all the time. By about 6 months into our marriage (2.5 years later), i still wanted it all the time but we only did it when she was drunk. Yes, there were intimacy issues there (and others), hence the term "ex" before her name. Anywho, she had done and said things to me as the relationship progressed that were damaging to me emotionally and had eventually come to affect my performance. When so much attention gets paid to negative comments, well, your mind can do some mean sh*t to ya. Anyway, bam, I was totally different from that point on (not in a good way).

 

So now we are apart, 9 months later, and I meet a wonderful girl. We take it kinda slow (read: fight the urge for intercourse for 3 weeks). Well, the first night we decided to go with it, my worst fear was realized... no response. Or at least not enough of a response to do the job. So fine. I just explained it off and we moved on. Next time we decided to do it, ABSOLUTELY no response. So, my fear was turning to panic as I started to think that my ex may have ruined me for life. So at this point I brought this up to my gf and explained what might be happening. She expressed a healthy dose of concern and said that we would take a little step back and let the attention to the problem die down (any psychologist will tell you that the more you worry about a problem the more likely it is to appear).

 

So we step back from the intercourse idea for a while and then randomly find that the issue no longer existed (after a pop-quiz). It hasn't been a problem since. I found that as the comfort and intimacy with my partner increased, the thoughts became less and the physical response became more. So there is hope there. The trick is really to take as much pressure off performance as possible, but understand that you can only do so much... the rest is up to him.

 

I guess the point is 2 things:

1. Sex drives rarely just "get better". If he doesn't have it now, he likely never will, and you need to be OK with that if you decide to pursue this relationship.

2. Someone can mess up your head enough to cause problems, I speak from experience. The only way to treat is is a VERY POSITIVE understanding on your part and no pressure on performance.

 

Otherwise, good luck with that. It's not a fair predicament for either of you to be in, but along the way, if nothing changes, an unpleasant decision may have to be made by someone.

[Guest]

Krytellan, thank you for your insight. It makes alot of sense.

Ok, update....I have just been chill for the past week. I was out shopping and text msg. my b.f. I asked him if he wanted me to pick up a certain present for him while out and that if yes, I would need the money asap to put right back into my bank acct. His response:

"I'll pay you back in more ways than one, when I get home tonight ;-)"

 

I think the whole "taking the pressure off" not "thinking about it too much" and not having it be such a central focus, is key.

Letting him pursue me, makes me feel desired and shows me he wants me. Me being so focused on it, thus setting myself to be denied/let down/feeling insecure is not helping.

 

Backing off and letting him come to me, and not making anymore comments will take us further than trying "talk it to death" which in turn has the opposite effect of what I desire....essentially pushing him further away and making him end up wanting me less because of the "pressure"

[nicki]

Sounds like you are doing the right things.

 

You know what gets my boyfriend going? I send him a sexy picture that I take in the morning with my camera phone....maybe a shot of my breast, or one up my skirt....whatever I'm feeling...like Walk said, a picture that accentuates my womanly assets.

 

He thinks about that picture all day. By the time he comes home from work, his brain and body are ready to go.

 

I also like to text him sexy messages describing what I want to do to him. When he calls me, I play innocent and say "What message?" Same result when he gets home from work.

 

Anyway, that's not an every day kind of thing to do. But do make it unpredictable, and fairly often.

 

Sex drives DO vary wildly. I personally need someone with a high drive, like mine. Otherwise, I'd need some, um, battery-operated action on the side...

[nicki]

I wanted to add that I wish I had been as patient as you are with an ex boyfriend of mine.

 

His sex drive was so slow. When we had sex, it was passionate, great...but so infrequent. I bugged him to death about it.

 

When I tried to back off and not make it an issue, we didn't have sex for a month. I couldn't take it....and I realized that I liked sex with him better than my entire relationship with him.

 

So, you are smart the way you are handling it. Sounds like he is responding well!