lost that loving feeling w/husband

[Virginia]

My husband is an attractice man. He would do anything for me or my children. He is wonderful in everyway, except in the bedroom. More and more I am losing interest in my husband sexually. With him it is no longer making love. There is no passion or romance. Infact, he barely believes in foreplay. It is all about him and what he and his attached pal need or want. If I want romance, he'll say "read a novel". Being with him sexually is not pleasing for me as a woman. It seems more like a XXX movie. Forget about getting my engine going, no time for that when my husband wants his needs met. He can't even kiss good anymore. And no, after two kids, I still look great..fit,slim, and attractive. So it is not me, he definately wants me. The problem is, he wants to have me in his porn watching ways. Not that he watches those films anymore. He did a lot when I was pregnant. How do I try and tell him, that sexually,he makes me not even interested.

[Dottie]

It appears that your husband has fallen into the habit of gratifying himself as he did when you were pregnant. He seems to find that manner far more exciting for him or else he would not be doing it. It is disturbing that he uses you for self-masturbation rather than the act of making love. It is disturbing to YOU ... apparently not to him. From what you wrote, he does not yet know how upsetting this is to you.

 

You ask: "How do I try and tell him, that sexually,he makes me not even interested."

 

I don't know how long you have been married, but it has been long enough to have children. I would like to think that you would be able to sit him down and talk to him about this. The WRONG time to talk about it is during the sex act itself. You know your lifestyle and when a good "down time" would be to lovingly discuss your feelings with him in this regard ... to let him know that you don't even feel the need to be present during "love making" as he does such a good job of it on his own.

 

Any discussion of this matter must be done tactfully, honestly and with NO hostility or name calling as that would only make matters worse. During the discussion, ask him what he would desire from YOU as well in order to make things more exciting .... in order to make him want to kiss you the way he used to and involve foreplay in the act of making love. He may like scented and flavored gels or lotions applied to various parts of your body, including your mouth. He may desire certain kinds of "sleep wear" if you know what I mean (including possibly crotchless underwear and such). There are many ways to tease a man during the sex act to slow him down and make him savor every moment.

 

I also don't know what is going on in his life at this time: Stressful Job? Long Hours? Financial Worries? Possible sexual problems of his own? Any of these could lead to the kind of "love making" speed style that you describe. This is another reason that, when discussing the matter with him, you must handle it in a very delicate manner or it could make things worse. You don't want to pressure him or make him feel inadequate in his love making abilites as this is a very fragile subject for both men and women ... but it CAN be discussed if done in a very loving, caring manner.

 

I do wish you the very best of luck and hope you will let me know how things go between you both.

[Nina]

I totally agree with Dottie. During the intiation of sex is th wrong time to open up a discussion, but if you pick a quiet time where you can sit down in private nad discuss things with your husband, you could open up a new dialogue that would be beneficial to both of you.

 

Another way to do this which might be more appetizing to your husband is, YOU be the aggressor. I know, this is hard. But just take some time and imagine a lovemaking session with your husband that would be appealing to you. Then, initiate the sex yourself, and seduce him over to your side. My fiance was initailly a wham-bam-thankyou ma'am kind of guy. His previous girlfriends, I guess, hadn't ever told him to slow down.

 

So, one eveing I pushed him down and told him that I was going to show him exactly what turned me on. He was excited and eager to see what I wanted and now he tells me that he can't imagine everhaving sex again without the emotional closeness that I taught him to like. So, sometimes it's not just the message you want to relay that's important. It's also HOW you relay the message that's important.