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Do I love him? or should I leave?


Sare Bear

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Hello. I have been with Jeremy for almost two years. Lately we seem to fight and nothing but. I am unhappy with our situation.

 

When we started going out, I was very needy, I was finally dealing with my sexually abusive past and Jeremy helped me through it. He stood by when not another person on this planet could stand me. If I had to deal with me then even I wouldnt have.

 

Things have changed alot since then. I am back to my old self, ambitious, extremely motivated and active, with a fabulous job that I love and new opportunities coming at me right, left and centre. Jeremy on the other hand is the opposite. Now it is his turn to deal with his past (violent father) and he is also depressed. I feel like I should stay and support him as he supported me but then I get angry because he cant' get a job(so it seems)and he isn't motivated. I feel like I want someone like me but every time we try to break up I just can't do it. I can't even believe I really said it, I hate myself for saying it because it hurts me and him like hell. I feel like I only said it to hurt him. I hate to lose an argument so I tend to say anything, no matter how much damage it causes his heart, as long as he admits he was wrong. Half the time he isn't, I'm just selfish.

 

But everytime I think I've worked it out, I never actually do anyting to fix it. I haven't stopped being critical of him, saying mean things. It seems I just don't have anyting

 

nice to say about him anymore. But my heart feels all this love for him.

 

I should probably mention that we are engaged. I am soo CONFUSED. I just don't know what it is I want. I do know I do not want to hurt him. I want to help him.

 

What do I do?

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If you love him, stand by him as he did for you. Since you are engaged to this guy it would seem that you are serious about your relationship with him. I am sure it wasn't easy for him to see you through your hard and troubling times and doing the same for him might help make you both stronger people, as individuals and as a couple. If you can't see your way clear to help him through this bad time for him then you should let him go and move on with your life instead of making his situation worse by saying hurtful and painful things when he is already hurting and confused.... Just trying to help...

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I am too confused to know if I love him anymore. It seems I have just been focusing on all the negative things. It is difficult finding positive things though because he is so down on himself, unwilling to do anything. I am trying to take it easy on him, I mean by not nagging and holding my tongue. But then I feel like I am not being honest with him. I truly do not wish to hurt him.

 

It totally broke my heart the other night when he begged me to stay even though he knows I don't know if I do want to stay with him anymore. We are wonderful companions. We had

 

broken up that night but I just couldn't go through with it.

 

I couldn't not have him in my life. He really is my best friend. I don't know if we have a future. I have changed so much from when I met him. I feel so lost.

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Honesty is a good trait to have and, at times, it can be hurtful to those on the receiving end. If you truly feel that all you can find now is negative things about him, you're not really doing him or you any good. Since you feel like he is your best friend, perhaps the love you feel for him is based more on that than any other type of love. However, I know from experience that trying to help and to love someone who won't help themselves is very difficult, be they friend or lover. Maybe it might help to step back for a while and take care of yourself first for a while. I always belived the old saying "if you don't like yourself, no one else will" and it sounds like you are reaching a point with this guy where you are very confused about your feelings for him and how you should proceed with him and it sounds like it's having an impact on you view yourself. You don't like how you react to him right now and it is probably effecting how you feel about yourself and your actions when you're around him. As sad and hard to deal with as it is, no one can force anyone else to turn their live around - they have to do it for themselves. If he is not doing anything to help himself, despite all YOUR efforts, there is not much more you can do.... Not a happy place to be in but you MUST look out for yourself. I know you don't want to hurt him but you need to examine what his behaviour is doing to YOU. His begging you to stay when you tried to break up with him sounds very selfish on his part, especially since he doesn't seem to want to change his own behaviour. He's putting you in an impossible spot - he's not going changing anything to make it better, he knows you're both not happy right now but there's nothing he seems to be doing to make things better for himself and for the two of you together. I wish I could wave a magic wand and everything would be okay for you.... Unfortunately, all I can offer is my 2 cents...

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am in a similar situation. I've always been fairly pursued by men, but have been engaged for nearly 3 years. I am 26 years old, and began dating my fiance at age 22. We had an intense beginning; he too helped me get over some personal struggles from adolescence and college. I too, was needy at the start of the relationship, and I think that set the framework for a relationship based on mutual reliance, rather than love. I love him from the perspective of history. I have a great fondness for him, but can see myself in the future with someone other than him. A month ago, I met a man, and have been talking to him every other night. We spent the weekend together a week ago; an unplanned event that led to my calling my fiancee as soon as I came home, to break off the relationship. I've finally figured out that there is a second coming of age in the late twenties. I used to think that love was the only determinating factor in a relationship headed for marriage. I realize now how much personal growth we find when we pass the age of 25. We grew apart. We grew up. The relationship had to end. I think people find themselves divorced too often when they aren't true to their heart. My new philosophy is to marry the man who makes you swoon regardless of the duration of the relationship, etc. Don't settle for anything less than bliss. It's out there; we just need to be patient enough to find it. And as far as your boyfriends problems are concerned, if his personality can accept the fact that you are there for him, but with romantic boundaries being set, then by all means, offer your shoulder. If not, you need to think of your own needs, and hope for the best.

If you love him, stand by him as he did for you. Since you are engaged to this guy it would seem that you are serious about your relationship with him. I am sure it wasn't easy for him to see you through your hard and troubling times and doing the same for him might help make you both stronger people, as individuals and as a couple. If you can't see your way clear to help him through this bad time for him then you should let him go and move on with your life instead of making his situation worse by saying hurtful and painful things when he is already hurting and confused.... Just trying to help...
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