Tired and at the end of my rope.

[gouranga]

There is a lady I have been dating for almost one year. For a long time we thought we were meant for each other.

 

But she brings alot to the table. She has a (grand)father in his 70's who she is destined to live with and care for until he dies. She has a 17-year old in trouble with the law and addicted to marijuana (and possibly other drugs). She has been separated 2 years from her husband of 10 years of marriage with whom she communicates with on an almost daily basis. Our love life has suffered because she has a habit of snoring.

 

All of these things I could overlook because we had such great times together and I really felt we had something special between us. I was willing to support her with these issues because they werent problems that indirectly involved her and that she had no real control over.

 

All of the aforementioned issues always loomed over us though, threatening to drive us apart, constantly causing us to question our relationship and whether either one of us needed to be involved in it. Yet as soon as we agreed to put a strong intimate relationship on hold, we reverted back into it the next week.

 

The clincher looming for me is that her husband made a visit to see her this weekend. Before he

 

came down, she asked if her seeing him would be a problem for me. I told her, "No, I know how you feel about him, I trust you."

 

It was my belief that she would meet with him on friday only and that we would have the rest of the weekend together. Today (sat) it became clear that that was not going to be the case as I could not get a hold of her last night or most of today.

 

Although I have no evidence that she is on a tryst at this very moment with her ex-husband, my 'obvious' meter is pegged in the red and although I used to be able to let the other things go, I now have to ask myself why I ever did.

 

Mostly I just need to vent off my feelings because I am frankly exasperated by it all. Although if you have some words of wisdom for me, I'd love to hear them.

 

Thanks

[Tony T]

No telling what she's doing with her ex but it is absolutely irresponsible and is completely devoid of any consideration at all for her not to call you and let you know what's going on. I think under the circumstances she owes you that.

 

I'd say there are a lot of things that are going to keep this thing from happening for you, unless you can work to get them straightened out.

 

Remember, no matter what, she's probably not going to be totally upfront with you about whatever encounter or experience she had with her husband. So just forget about that. You are going to have to consider what she says and make a decision all by yourself.

 

I don't think I would want a woman who would pull a prank like this...but, then again, maybe she was in a bad accident. Call the hospitals.

[namder]

Obviously this woman of yours has a lot of problems and loose ends to tie up, she perhaps does need time on her own to sort them out.

 

You must ask you what your needs are, what you want, and what you deserve. I think if you were honest with yourself you would realise that this woman can't or won't meet your needs.

 

To me it sounds as though you want to move on, but are afraid to because you believe you might never meet someone equal or better again.

 

Would you really be losing out on that much by ending this heavy and disruptive relationship? Be honest.

 

Best of luck

[gouranga]

Obviously this woman of yours has a lot of problems and loose ends to tie up, she perhaps does need time on her own to sort them out. You must ask you what your needs are, what you want, and what you deserve.

To me it sounds as though you want to move on, but are afraid to because you believe you might never meet someone equal or better again.

 

Would you really be losing out on that much by ending this heavy and disruptive relationship? Be honest.

Thank you so much for your post.

 

For the most part you are exactly right on the money! She does have alot of issues going on right now. And yes I am afraid to move on because of the reasons you mentioned.

 

My only problem is that I know I dont realize fully what I am losing when I lose her. I know that sounds funny and contradictory but it really is the case.

 

She and I had a talk last night... very honest and to the point. One of the great things about her is the ability to communicate without feeling we're at war when were in conflict.

 

It was very clear to me that she had had a difficult time with her separated husband and that finally they were on the path to divorce with the filing of papers and everything. The whole weekend was pretty difficult for her and I really felt guilty (and told her so) for having mistrusted her.

 

The end result was that we couldnt agree on any type of romantic relationship that suited us both (intimate vs. casual) sw we are now just friends, probably permanently but still very good friends. Not exactly what either of us wanted but the greatest common factor that makes us both happy.

 

Thanks again