her fiance controls her... way too much

[harried friend]

One of my long-time best friends is madly (and blindly) in love with Zach. They met a week before I left the country, and when I returned a few months later, they were engaged. Since then, about a year ago, I have only seen her a few times, and he is ALWAYS there. Once she and I just got in her car and drove around for an hour and half so we could have some uninterrupted one-on-one time. She started crying and said that he was unbearably critical of her and that she feels trapped because he won't let her break up with him. I told her I support her no matter what and that I was very concerned. Now she says that the episode was just the pre-commitment nervous jitters and that Zach is perfect for her.

 

Anyone can see that the guy is way too controlling. But I've accepted the fact that it's her decision (and I'll bite my tongue and just wear that bridesmaid's dress dammit). I'm pretty sure that if I were to say "I don't like your fiancé because of x y and z" she would misunderstand me or tell me, once again, that I'm just envious because I'm still single (trust me, I'm not).

 

Shortly after the engagement, Sara and I decided that we would take a trip this June to celebrate our college graduation and as the last girls-only vacation before she gets married. But last week when I mentioned it she said, "well, I'll be up in Boston with Zach's family then, so you can just visit me there." What kind of vacation is that?! I can accept the fact that he is at the center of her universe these days, but that doesn't mean that I want him at the center of mine too.

 

I don't like the idea that her marriage is ruining our friendship, but I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. What do you suggest? Is my friendship with Sara a totally lost cause? Does the Boston idea sound absolutely horrid or is there something that I'm missing?

 

Thanks so much for reading this& I would love to hear your comments.

[midori]

One of my best friends recently got married and I will say that marriage inevitably shifts a person's priorities, schedule, etc. so that they're no longer available to their old friends the way they once were (especially if the old friends are still single themselves -- hard to do coupley things with single friends). I've heard that this balances out a bit after people settle into married life. But in the meantime it's probably best not to count on Sara to be a vacation partner or even for other, lighter social activities. People grow apart after college, it's part of moving into adult life.

 

I don't think there's much you can do, really. If you're convinced that this guy will be an abusive spouse you might want to share your concern with Sara -- but be prepared for her to disregard it (as you've predicted she would). After speaking up, what more can you do?

 

It sounds to me like you ought to find someone else who wants to do the vacation in June. Don't go to Boston -- you'd be uncomfortable given your feelings about the fiance and you might well end up feeling resentful/bored/frustrated on top of it.

 

good luck

[BeenThere]

Great advice, Midori. You're right on the mark with this one!

 

I have seen this time and time again, and John and I are going through the same situation with some of our own friends who are now having a difficult time understanding why we are not as available or attentive as we use to be. Its not that we don't value our friends, but our situation and priorities have changed. A few of our friends seem to have taken personal offense to this. They're hurt because we don't call or "hang out" as much as we use to when we were single. It's not that we've completely shut them out, but when we do spend time with other people we usually do it together as a couple. And its not because we feel controlled or that our time is being monopolized by the other. Its because we actually *enjoy* being together.

 

In the beginning, we both stressed over this a lot. After spending so much time on *friend maintenance* and trying to explain our situation, we finally decided it wasn't our responsiblity to make everyone happy. It's too damn much work!,,,And we'd rather spend the time and energy nuturing the relationship rather than needy friends. The ones who had a difficult time accepting this have moved on. The phone doesn't ring as much and we're not invited to as many of those *wild parties* as we use to be, but our lives are MUCH simpler now. Now that we're not spread so thin, there is more time and energy to focus on "us" and the few *real* friends we have been blessed with. These are the people who actually enjoy spending time with us as a couple rather than demanding one-on-one time. They don't feel slighted or discarded. They are happy because WE are happy. And those are the only friendships that are worth the time and effort

One of my best friends recently got married and I will say that marriage inevitably shifts a person's priorities, schedule, etc. so that they're no longer available to their old friends the way they once were (especially if the old friends are still single themselves -- hard to do coupley things with single friends). I've heard that this balances out a bit after people settle into married life. But in the meantime it's probably best not to count on Sara to be a vacation partner or even for other, lighter social activities. People grow apart after college, it's part of moving into adult life. I don't think there's much you can do, really. If you're convinced that this guy will be an abusive spouse you might want to share your concern with Sara -- but be prepared for her to disregard it (as you've predicted she would). After speaking up, what more can you do? It sounds to me like you ought to find someone else who wants to do the vacation in June. Don't go to Boston -- you'd be uncomfortable given your feelings about the fiance and you might well end up feeling resentful/bored/frustrated on top of it. good luck

[Ed]

Midori and BeenThere have given some great advice.

 

Based on my friendships, they come and they go. We may be close for a while, then be out of touch for months, possibly years, before we get to catch up with each other again. The good thing about friendships, is that no matter how long they have been gone or what they have been up to (unless they call you from a maximum security prison) you are glad to hear from them and you will want to catch up on your seperate lives.

 

She has chosen to make him an important part of her life. If you are good friends, then express your concern for her and her happiness. But leave it at that and accept her decision. If, later, she determines it was a bad decision, she will need her friends. Friends that won't say, "I told you so!".

 

As a friend, be concerned for her wellbeing and happiness, but don't expect her to do what you think is best for her. If you just absolutely cannot stand to be around him, then I guess it doesn't matter what you say, but if you want to remain close friends with her, you are going to have to suck it up. Neither of these people are going to want to spend much time with you if they know you hate his guts.

 

You have to give friends free reign and let them make the choices they feel are best for them. They have the right to choose any partner they want and any lifestyle they want, but you don't have to be an active part of it. If their choices don't match up with your lifestyle or they choose a partner that gets under your skin, you may have to reduce or terminate contact with them.