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How to get past it?


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I need some help desperately! I need to hear some positive stories of people getting past their partner cheating and starting to trust them again? Or if someone just knows how to go about trusting again?

 

He tells me that he didn´t realize and now will never do anything again, and would never want to lose me for anything in the world.

 

It seems like letting him go would be the easiest thing, because I would never have to worry about trusting him again. Then again: It is easy to break a marriage, but so hard to build one...

 

Please, I am so miserable-I think of the betrayal all the time, but want to get past it..

 

I wish someone out ther could tell me some words of comfort..

 

(We also have a child together)

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Telling someone how to forgive, forget and trust again is like telling them what they would like for dinner. This is something you have to fashion for yourself, to walk yourself through. Many people are capable, some are not. Many just do not have the capacity for forgiving this type of transgression, others cannot forgive any type of offense.

 

You know yourself the best. You cannot undo this betrayal, you cannot go back and delete the infidelity. So the trust you muster up now must be based, in my opinion, on starting from day one, establishing trust from this day forward and simply willing that the past be forgiven, forgotten, and put behind.

 

I think your husband is sincere in his sorrow and regret. These things happen. He punishes himself in his head minute by minute. I know he wishes he could go back and relive things much differently. For your efforts to be successful, he too must forgive himself. The nature of forgiveness requires that we ultimately get to a point where a deed never really took place. It is wiped off the slate by both the offender and the person who has been offended.

 

There can be no forgiveness if there is no will to forget. No, you cannot forget unless you have brain surgery. But the will to forget means you have the earnest desire to do so and if you want your marriage to heal, you must NEVER, EVER bring such incident up in any argument or conversation from now until the end of the world, no matter how angry you may get about something else. In other words, if you want to really get past this, you must act as if it never happened.

 

To enter counselling for a matter like this simply means that prior to and during each session, you will remember the anger, the pain, the embarassment, the humiliation, etc., each time. You will continue to stir these emotions in your head when the object is to have them disappear. However, if you feel one session maybe helpful to you in some way, by all means honor your feelings.

 

To bring it up, to obsess with it, to put it back in his face, is to be unforgiving. The very act of forgiving requires some consciouness and recollection of the incident. But there must be an effort made to mentally put up a STOP sign when these thoughts enter.

 

What you seek to do will not be easy but it will be an honorable and valiant effort on your part. It will raise you well above the masses who steam out of the room never to return.

 

You can do it. But, in order to put this behind you, you can longer ask for advice on how to do it. Doing so just keeps it in the forefront. From this day forward, you must act like it never happened until one day it actually didn't.

 

Now, seek no more counsel or direction regarding this matter, forgive, speak of this matter never again, begin your life anew and move forward.

 

We will never pass the way again.

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Hi Tony,

 

the thing is that the incident of infidelity he told me about is not what hurts the most. What hurts the most is his inability to commit to me all these years. He has always left the door open that something may happen. True, that may be honourable that he was honest, but i think this honesty may have been very damaging to us.

 

Now he says he realized how much that has hurt me, because he is quite young and hasn´t been in such a serious relationship before. He just didn´t realize how this leaving it open could hurt someone so much. Now he knows, because I broke up with him, but he says living without me is something he just doesn´t want to do.

 

He can totally commit from now on (after 4 years) and would never leave me in doubt again...

 

I don´t know..it is hard to believe that a person could change his mind so abruptly-but I guess people could change...

 

Heis only 25 after all...

 

Please let me hear some last words from you Tony..I won´t bug you again

Telling someone how to forgive, forget and trust again is like telling them what they would like for dinner. This is something you have to fashion for yourself, to walk yourself through. Many people are capable, some are not. Many just do not have the capacity for forgiving this type of transgression, others cannot forgive any type of offense. You know yourself the best. You cannot undo this betrayal, you cannot go back and delete the infidelity. So the trust you muster up now must be based, in my opinion, on starting from day one, establishing trust from this day forward and simply willing that the past be forgiven, forgotten, and put behind. I think your husband is sincere in his sorrow and regret. These things happen. He punishes himself in his head minute by minute. I know he wishes he could go back and relive things much differently. For your efforts to be successful, he too must forgive himself. The nature of forgiveness requires that we ultimately get to a point where a deed never really took place. It is wiped off the slate by both the offender and the person who has been offended. There can be no forgiveness if there is no will to forget. No, you cannot forget unless you have brain surgery. But the will to forget means you have the earnest desire to do so and if you want your marriage to heal, you must NEVER, EVER bring such incident up in any argument or conversation from now until the end of the world, no matter how angry you may get about something else. In other words, if you want to really get past this, you must act as if it never happened. To enter counselling for a matter like this simply means that prior to and during each session, you will remember the anger, the pain, the embarassment, the humiliation, etc., each time. You will continue to stir these emotions in your head when the object is to have them disappear. However, if you feel one session maybe helpful to you in some way, by all means honor your feelings. To bring it up, to obsess with it, to put it back in his face, is to be unforgiving. The very act of forgiving requires some consciouness and recollection of the incident. But there must be an effort made to mentally put up a STOP sign when these thoughts enter. What you seek to do will not be easy but it will be an honorable and valiant effort on your part. It will raise you well above the masses who steam out of the room never to return. You can do it. But, in order to put this behind you, you can longer ask for advice on how to do it. Doing so just keeps it in the forefront. From this day forward, you must act like it never happened until one day it actually didn't. Now, seek no more counsel or direction regarding this matter, forgive, speak of this matter never again, begin your life anew and move forward.

 

We will never pass the way again.

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The fact that you posted again here tells me you will not easily put this behind you. Your latest post does give more relevant details and indicates you may be better off without this guy.

 

It is your responsibility that you remained so long with a guy unwilling to commit to you and that you had a child with such a man. By continuing to be with him under these conditions of loose or no committment, you basically set the stage for him to be unfaithful to you.

 

Right now, he is upset because of your reaction. But there is no way of telling whether or not he has or can effect any meaningful change in his behavior and actually commit and be loyal to you from this point. You know him much better than me, of course.

 

This is your judgement. But I don't see you ever feeling secure in this situation. I agree with you that his honesty was very damaging to the two of you and I think he's pretty stupid in many ways.

 

I personally would forgive, forget, and move on...but it is your life and you must make this decision. Why...oh why...does there have to be a child involved in these things so often??? It would be so much easier if there was no child to consider.

 

But staying with a cheat for the benefit of a child is not a proper reason to remain. Go with your own feelings here.

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I really dont know where to start in trying to help you get overe something that has hurt you but took away your trust. The only thing I can say is that if before the betrayal you both had a good relationship and this could have been a mistake, remember everyone makes mistakes, than if you feel that this relationship is worth working on than you have to try again with complete trust. If you dont think that you can trust again, than you have to move on. In moving on you cant take this to another relationship. You will start over and trust again otherwise you will never know true love. You will deprive youself of something good in the future and this relationship will hurt you yiur whole life.

I need some help desperately! I need to hear some positive stories of people getting past their partner cheating and starting to trust them again? Or if someone just knows how to go about trusting again? He tells me that he didn´t realize and now will never do anything again, and would never want to lose me for anything in the world. It seems like letting him go would be the easiest thing, because I would never have to worry about trusting him again. Then again: It is easy to break a marriage, but so hard to build one...

 

Please, I am so miserable-I think of the betrayal all the time, but want to get past it..

 

I wish someone out ther could tell me some words of comfort.. (We also have a child together)

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Some guys don't realize how much they need the women until something like this forces them to be without it , You should try to forgive him and put it in the past start from today , as long as he says he is 100% commited now , believe it until he proves otherwise.

 

People all make mistakes and deserve a second chance,but don't make it easy for him let him suffer a little so he feels the pain as you have , he has to learn there are conciquences to his actions.

 

Then if it happens again you will know that he can't be trusted and you as hard as it may be, can move on with no regrets.

 

Good Luck !

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