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Should we tell our teens about the affair?


Devistated.

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Devistated.

Recently my husband of twenty years had an affair. I’m absolutely devastated by the news, and have been depressed. In his attempt to make things better, he wants to tell our two older sons that he had an affair and wants to have an open discussion about it.

 

We have three boys ages 17, 14, and 10. Our boys are all very smart, successful, talented kids. And I know that the two older boys would understand but I think that this is too adult for them.

 

For the following reasons, I don’t want them to know: it’s an adult situation, I don’t want their feelings for their dad to change, I don’t want their feelings for me to change, I’m embarrassed, and I’m struggling to accept it. I don’t know what benefits there would be in telling them and my husband is pushing it.

 

What would be the best thing to do?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Recently my husband of twenty years had an affair. I’m absolutely devastated by the news, and have been depressed. In his attempt to make things better, he wants to tell our two older sons that he had an affair and wants to have an open discussion about it.

 

We have three boys ages 17, 14, and 10. Our boys are all very smart, successful, talented kids. And I know that the two older boys would understand but I think that this is too adult for them.

 

For the following reasons, I don’t want them to know: it’s an adult situation, I don’t want their feelings for their dad to change, I don’t want their feelings for me to change, I’m embarrassed, and I’m struggling to accept it. I don’t know what benefits there would be in telling them and my husband is pushing it.

 

What would be the best thing to do?

 

Yes, definitely tell them. They are old enough to handle it and will feel respected to know.

 

My kids are teens (15 and 17) and know pretty much everything their dad did. HE told him, and put the blame ALL on him (the second time around, after our failed reconciliation).

 

There are WAY more benefits to telling them than keeping them in the dark and having them wonder what is going on and forming theories in their head that will only stress them out even more.

 

Your husband must be the one to tell them, preferably with you there, and admit his fault, ask for THEIR forgiveness in treating THEIR mother that way, and vow to become a better man and role model for them.

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If the two of you are going to divorce, then yes, he can be honest.

 

But if you're working to recover the marriage, then no, don't tell them. It will only cause them a world of unnecessary hurt. For the life of me, I cannot fathom what good will come out of them knowing.

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todreaminblue

i see both sides....good and bad.....for both decisions.....i tend to lean more to agreeing with basils response though because you wrote my husband had an affair meaning its past tense...cautious also has solid views..

 

my advice is leave it in the past and you guys work on reconciliation without dragging your sons into the fray and confusion.....if it were to be a current affair that was not ending that's different...

 

 

i see more benefit from your husband and yourself working on your relationship alone.....with a professional marriage counsellor being the mediator not your family.....it could as a result of informing them ...split your family up into mums side and dads side...and divide you two even more....and add to a failed reconciliation attempt..and a divided family...

 

 

i wish you well on whatever you decide as a couple is best for yourselves and in the long run your family remaining united...........deb

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salparadise
If the two of you are going to divorce, then yes, he can be honest.

 

But if you're working to recover the marriage, then no, don't tell them. It will only cause them a world of unnecessary hurt. For the life of me, I cannot fathom what good will come out of them knowing.

 

 

I think you should not tell them regardless of whether you're divorcing or reconciling. They don't need to be burdened, and it will affect their relationships with their father (and you), and their paradigm of marriage and family. All they need to know is that the marriage is broken and that you're either working on it or separating. Even the eldest is way too young to remain unaffected.

 

Parent's behavior establishes a pattern for children's beliefs systems. I can't see what good could possibly come of it either, but I sure can envision the potential damage. I think it's a nothing to gain, everything to lose situation. You always have the option to disclose it when they're much older (like 40), but once it's said it can't be unsaid. Even if you only told one (the eldest), it will affect the others. In family systems, everything affects everyone.

 

What is your husband's rationale for wanting to disclose it? I don't get it.

Edited by salparadise
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Just tell your husband to f^ck off already!! He really got the nerve. He was the one to drop the affair bomb on you, and now he’s pushing you to do this and that. Tell him it’s entirely your decision what to do and when to do it. If he wants to fight you, he’s free to leave. You have enough to handle already, you don’t need him to keep bugging you. You need to regconize that your husband is no prize: You are too good for him, and he’s the one who’s inadequate.

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If the two of you are going to divorce, then yes, he can be honest.

 

But if you're working to recover the marriage, then no, don't tell them. It will only cause them a world of unnecessary hurt. For the life of me, I cannot fathom what good will come out of them knowing.

 

I agree with this. If you have decided to stay together, there are many things that happen in a marriage that are not appropriate for the children to know. This will forever change how they look at their father. I wouldn't tell them.

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Just tell your husband to f^ck off already!! He really got the nerve. He was the one to drop the affair bomb on you, and now he’s pushing you to do this and that. Tell him it’s entirely your decision what to do and when to do it. If he wants to fight you, he’s free to leave. You have enough to handle already, you don’t need him to keep bugging you. You need to regconize that your husband is no prize: You are too good for him, and he’s the one who’s inadequate.

 

In another thread, the OP has described herself as being totally shocked by her husband’s affair bomb, and as having suicidal thoughts. She’s yet to digest the news herself, let alone sharing it with her kids. Her immediate concern is to see a crisis therapist. Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to have anyone she trusts to confide in.

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In another thread, the OP has described herself as being totally shocked by her husband’s affair bomb, and as having suicidal thoughts. She’s yet to digest the news herself, let alone sharing it with her kids. Her immediate concern is to see a crisis therapist. Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to have anyone she trusts to confide in.

 

Absolutely. You are not ready to tell your children, if this is the case. Get some counselling, if you have not already. And, don't let your husband drive this bus...

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littleblackheart
For the following reasons, I don’t want them to know: it’s an adult situation, I don’t want their feelings for their dad to change, I don’t want their feelings for me to change, I’m embarrassed, and I’m struggling to accept it. I don’t know what benefits there would be in telling them and my husband is pushing it.

 

The best thing to do in your specific situation is this ^^, for exactly the reasons you have underlined. You are not ready for them to know, regardless of what they would make of it or how your husband feels. What you'll do in a few months or a few years' time may be different but for now, you need to be a little selfish for the greater good - put your own feelings first; the rest can wait.

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littleblackheart
I am never a fan of this. I think it’s a horrible thing to do. NO.

 

Sometimes kids find out or figure out by themselves; in that case, you don't have a choice but to be honest. I also think it's not a great thing to do, unless parents think full disclosure helps everyone heal in their specific circumstances, and even then only if it comes from the spouse who was unfaithful.

Edited by littleblackheart
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CautiouslyOptimistic

I'm still on board with telling them. OP has made enough comments about how her sons know something is up. This is a marriage issues, yes, but it is also an entire family issue at this point.

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BarbedFenceRider

Kids are very perceptive and will see through lies easily. Also, they have an immature response to deal with crisis, and put the blame on themselves easily enough. If they haven't noticed already that their little family is on eggshells and behavior and patterns are off....

 

I see not telling them adult "style" but maybe treating it with care and finesse.

And as for OP. I hope she now has some support system to help her heal and deal with upcoming setbacks...She and her kids are equally yoked in this debacle.

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In his attempt to make things better, he wants to tell our two older sons that he had an affair and wants to have an open discussion about it.

 

Seems an attempt to offload some of his guilt while he continues to control the situation. Devistated, in this case - and others, do what feels best for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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As someone whos has been through this twice and has past the 5 year mark of reconciliation with my current H I would advise you not to. I have posted my experience here over the years and didn't speak to my kids about this up until last year but this is only because my D found old text messages where I spoke about the subject.

 

Affairs are very personal and adult as one poster noted. Kids have no business knowing the details or figuring out why things happened and its not fair to them to pick sides.

 

The children are innocent victims. If you and your H decide to D the best thing you can do for your kids is to show them you have some kind of love and R for their father. He should do the same.

 

Venting and sharing with your kids on both sides is the worst thing you both can do. If your H wants to talk I suggest you do M counseling. This is what we did and made a world of difference. Speaking to an impartial and objective person is the best way to go.

 

If you both are committed to fixing your relationship then do so without involving your kids. It is hard road you are facing. But with love easily to get through. It does get easier if your H is truly remorseful and if you are open to forgiveness and rebuilding your M.

 

Kids have their own set of issues that you both need to be clear minded and focused on. Don't dump this on them.

 

Good Luck to you.

Edited by jnel921
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major_merrick

Your kids are not your equals. You do not "owe" them explanations, and you shouldn't burden them with things that they do not need to know. Your job is to provide for them physically and emotionally...which includes even creating some sort of artificial stability so that they come out normal, productive, and well-adjusted. I would even invent some sort of cover story to explain away the current stress and lower the tension they are feeling. As others have said, I would suggest counseling if you intend to keep going with the marriage. If you intend to divorce, I still wouldn't tell them until much later on.

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whichwayisup

Don't. If they find out on their own then discuss it and allow them to ask questions etc, but right now, don't tell them. Yes you're a family unit but your H is married to you, not to your kids. You two are the parents and your H telling them will shatter their view of him.

 

They don't need to be burdened with this.

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