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I don’t think I love my daughter


Cool frank

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I have a kid with a fling I had a few years ago. I used condoms and she swore up and down she was on birth control. Then called me a few months later saying she was having my baby.

 

I’ve never wanted kids, and as a result, I’m not really into my four year old. She does things that bug me. When she spends the night, she almost always comes and gets in my bed. When we go somewhere I have to hold her. She always wants my food, or to share things with me. I’m bugged by that, I’ve never been a sharing dude.

 

The only time ever felt real concern for her is when she fell in a friend’s pool this summer and almost drowned. Then, I wanted to snuggle her and get her warm, but I’ve never felt it otherwise.

 

I’ve tried to relinquish visitation for more money and the mother refuses because “she’s in love with you (me)” I guess she dances around whenever I come to get her, and talks about me when I drop her off.

 

I don’t know what to do. I’m not into her, I think she’s a snot. I know I’m not a good dad so I don’t know why I’m forced to be one... what do I do?

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Happy Lemming

I know the court system will force you to pay child support, but do they force you to visit your daughter??

 

I knew of an acquaintance (not a friend) that fathered a child right before he was set to marry a different woman. He paid his child support like he was supposed to, but never saw his daughter, ever.

 

Can I ask how old your are?? Do you think your attitude towards your daughter will change with time??

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LivingWaterPlease
I have a kid with a fling I had a few years ago. I used condoms and she swore up and down she was on birth control. Then called me a few months later saying she was having my baby.

 

I’ve never wanted kids, and as a result, I’m not really into my four year old. She does things that bug me. When she spends the night, she almost always comes and gets in my bed. When we go somewhere I have to hold her. She always wants my food, or to share things with me. I’m bugged by that, I’ve never been a sharing dude.

 

The only time ever felt real concern for her is when she fell in a friend’s pool this summer and almost drowned. Then, I wanted to snuggle her and get her warm, but I’ve never felt it otherwise.

 

I’ve tried to relinquish visitation for more money and the mother refuses because “she’s in love with you (me)” I guess she dances around whenever I come to get her, and talks about me when I drop her off.

 

I don’t know what to do. I’m not into her, I think she’s a snot. I know I’m not a good dad so I don’t know why I’m forced to be one... what do I do?

 

How often do you see her?

 

I commend you on continuing to see her even when you're not feeling it. That is amazing that you'll do that! I really respect that in you and believe it will pay off for you in the future.

 

It's very important for you to keep spending time with her. As she grows up you'll probably find yourself beginning to bond with her more. Some guys just can't relate to little kids.

 

Because it's so important to her well being for you to continue to see her, and to your future well being, too, (someday when you're growing older you will be glad to have her in your life) in your place I'd get into counseling to see how you can make the most of the opportunity for a relationship with her.

 

I have to add that I also admire her mother for not taking money from you in exchange for not seeing your daughter.

 

Again, I believe there will come a day when you're very thankful you continued to see her and stayed in her life. This little girl didn't ask to be born and deserves the opportunity to know her father! Good for you, friend, in being in her life. There is nothing more important in the world for you to do.

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I feel like the little girl is in the worst position here. She loses either way because she's either going to continue spending time with a father who doesn't love her or have her father walk away from her.

 

I think that you should probably continue with visits and do the best you can. The little girl loves you and she won't be an annoying little kid forever. I don't know how old you are but I suspect that you are still young and that one day when you are a good deal older you will remember the days that she used to want to share your food and snuggle in bed with you and you will wish you had appreciated that sweetness.

 

I agree that she has a good mom who puts her child's happiness and emotional well being before money.

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todreaminblue

i haven't ever heard of visitation to be forced ....i actually think that forcing parental visitation upon a person who doesn't want to parent a child.....to possibly be emotionally damaging to both child and reluctant and unwilling parent....there is a chance by continuing to see your child that you might develop a bond but there's also a chance that you wont....and that girl will be affected by your lack of love.....especially the age that she is...do you push her away when she tries to hug you....or kiss you...can you explain why she is a snot to you......

 

would you be willing to maybe do some professional counselling to help deal with visitation for her sake.....and your own.....do you resent her.....

 

i dont know if having you in her life is actually good....but i am not a professional counsellor...i do know some people are not meant to have children for some it isn't natural and feels unnatural....

 

im at a loss here.....i feel conflicted so can you help me out.....tell me why she is a snot.....do you ever get angry at her.....if she were to do something wrong...honestly....how do you discipline her....have you had to discipline her...do you call her names like you have here ...like a snot..or a brat or rouse on her often.......do you answer her questions.....how do you talk with her....do you talk to her when you have visits....

 

 

i was never allowed in my parents bed.....you can set boundaries you know......kids respond well to rules and routine...boundaries...if you dont want her sleeping with you dont let her....say this is dads bed sweetie come on ill tuck you back in yours....and read you a story...get a night light play some soothing music and stay with her till she drops off to sleep ...then return to your own bed.....child free....bed time should be after a dinner and a nice warm bath use lavender ...its calming......bed time for a four year old is quite early....6.30 pm to 7 pm is reasonable...they get up early but then once routine is up and running they fall asleep early....a four year old during the day might nap as well.....and quiet time is for both child and parent....reading picture books......or resting ....listening to music.......

 

as far as your food goes .....when you make your plate of food......put some of hers on your plate and feed her that so you arent actually sharing your own food....and you are teaching her to share even though you don't like too..because sharing with kids is a must to teach...were you taught to share?.were you an only child .......have you been to goal at all?

 

im sorry i ask so many questions...im trying to understand you .....and i am concerned you are being forced to look after a young life that depends on you to be loving at all times that you have custody of her.......for healthy emotional growth and for her very well being.....you wrote i dont think i love my daughter...isnt a direct i dont love my daughter .....maybe you do love her but are overwhelmed with the responsibility and the fact you are forced to visit instead of really wanting to visit with her...so there's resentment on your behalf even before you get out the door.......is that what you feel.......deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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I tend to think that there must be something you’re doing right, and that’s why she’s attached to you? I dunno, kids are very intuitive, especially I assume she spends more/most of her time with her mother?

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I am going to come from a different perspective on this…..

 

I don’t enjoy children. Not babies, not toddlers, not middle school kids, not teenagers. I have always known I do not want kids.

 

When I was young, actually used to baby sit, and even nannie for a stint. I would always hear “but you are so good with children!” – and kids usually liked me because I am very consistent, I am fair, and I would do my best to engage their mind and body – honestly the exact same skills I use for animal training (but I much prefer animals!).

 

But I never really felt affection for kids. I never desired to mother and cuddle them. I was always VERY thankful to hand them back when my shift was through, and often felt that I just didn’t have the composition to deal with kids full time. Eventually I refused to deal with kids at all.

 

When my sister started having children – she wanted me to have a relationship with them. She wanted me to baby sit them for free because I “should enjoy spending time with them”.

 

I would rather dig a ditch then spend time with kids. Even my own flesh and blood.

 

I have 5 nieces and nephews. I have never had any sorts of feelings for them. I am an absent aunt, I do not travel to visit them, I do not spend time with them. Perhaps it is selfish, but I do not want anything to do with kids, and my brother and sister having some doesn’t change that. (and I never had uncles or aunts so I figure its not a big deal)

 

So, I can really see where this guy is coming from. He didn’t want kids, SHE did. She choose to have a kid, he didn’t.

 

As far as the kid liking him…. meaning he is doing something right. I don’t know about that. My brother and sis, have a bio dad – he would show up every year or so. Or make plans to show up and then cancel. Or show up and basically say nice to see you, and then disappear again. As adults, neither of them can remember any positive interactions with their bio dad – yet still, as kids they would be SO EXCITED to hear that he was coming to visit. They really wanted to see him, even though he didn’t seem to give a s***. It resulted in a lot of mixed emotions for them.

 

I don’t think having a resentful, uncaring dad around is really a positive. Right now the kid may not yet be perceptive enough, but she will be soon enough. And having a dad around who doesn’t love her, isn’t going to be a net positive.

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Her mother can't enforce visitation. Just stop seeing your daughter. Sure, the little girl will be heartbroken, but as you don't care about her I'm sure you won't lose sleep over it.

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I tend to think that there must be something you’re doing right, and that’s why she’s attached to you? I dunno, kids are very intuitive, especially I assume she spends more/most of her time with her mother?

 

Not necessarily. His daughter may actually feel incredibly insecure in this relationship and could feel his rejection and that is why she is so attached and clingly towards him.

 

We cling most to the things we fear we are losing.

 

OP, while I think you should try counseling first before you make any decision that will significantly affect your daughter's future and I believe that for her sake you should try and work on this feelings so you do your best to stay in her life - if it continues I think you should end visitation. Visitation cannot be forced by neither her mother nor the court so you can end it anytime.

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I don’t know what to do. I’m not into her, I think she’s a snot. I know I’m not a good dad so I don’t know why I’m forced to be one... what do I do?

 

 

It's your life, nobody's going to make you see the kid if you don't want to, if you aren't aware of that you can thank me later.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~T
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I agree with LivingWaterPlease. I think you should continue visitation.

In my opinion it will be to much pain for this girl hear that father doesn't want to see her.

Take resposibility for what you did.

Not everything in life must be nice and pleasant.

I think that one day you find that you like or love her.

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Seems this was a drive by, if the thread starter comes back and wants it re-opened then alert on my post and we will do so, thanks for all who took their time to post.

 

---Thread re-opened at member request---- ~W

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Everyone’s asking how old I am, I’m 24.

 

I’m not mean to her. I’m stern when she starts throwing a fit, and I’ve spanked her a few times when she’s done something wrong. The last time I did I explained to her why after and told her I was sorry that I did it because I was. Most of the time I just try to have fun.

 

I say she’s a snot because she is. If anyone gets close to me when I have her she throws a fit. Especially girls. Not a good look.

 

I have her every weekend, I’ve tried to have visitation changed to every other weekend, but her mom won’t negotiate.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Everyone’s asking how old I am, I’m 24.

 

I’m not mean to her. I’m stern when she starts throwing a fit, and I’ve spanked her a few times when she’s done something wrong. The last time I did I explained to her why after and told her I was sorry that I did it because I was. Most of the time I just try to have fun.

 

I say she’s a snot because she is. If anyone gets close to me when I have her she throws a fit. Especially girls. Not a good look.

 

I have her every weekend, I’ve tried to have visitation changed to every other weekend, but her mom won’t negotiate.

 

4 year olds operate with 4 year old brains, not 24 year old brains. They are 100% incapable of knowing what a "good look" is. She behaves that way because she's desperate for her daddy's attention :(.

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4 year olds operate with 4 year old brains, not 24 year old brains. They are 100% incapable of knowing what a "good look" is. She behaves that way because she's desperate for her daddy's attention :(.

 

I meant not a good look for me. Not her. I know she can’t help it.

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Have you and the mom put an actual custody order in place? Normal visitation is every other weekend and two weeks in summer and holidays.

 

 

I could say you were a horrible person blah blah blah but I see a little of my husband in you. He accidently got a girl pregnant when he was 18 & he had ZERO desire to be a dad. He tried to do the good dad thing..seeing him here & there but he was young, selfish, and wanted to party. He actually ended up going three years without seeing his child and then one day he woke up & grew up, He reached out to the mom & luckily she was kind enough to let him back in his child's life. His child is an adult now and my DH & the child have an amazing relationship & my DH loves his child very much. My DH just needed time to grow up.

 

 

If the mom is making you have the child every weekend that does not give you your free time and I could see why you would maybe resent the child a bit. If you do not have a custody order I would get one in place & start with normal visitation. That way you can still be a positive part of your child's life but have sometime to grow up yourself.

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Okay dude, I'll help you unpack it. We are going to unpack it in a certain order. It has to be in this order because if at any time you say "yes" you have your answer - we stop. There is no "yes, but..." when it comes to this. Okay? Got it? Hear me out

 

Disclaimer: I'm a father of two daughters.

 

Duty: What are you obligated to do?

Question #1: Is her mom a bad/dangerous mother?

Notice I didn't ask if she was a good mom. Just a bad mom. A dangerous mom. Are there drugs involved? Is she wantonly neglectful of your daughter? Does she put your daughter in dangerous situations or around dangerous people? Etc...

 

If you answer yes to this question, then stop right there. Your duty as a father, as a man and as a human is to ensure that your daughter isn't raised by a harmful parent. Period. I don't care if you didn't want your daughter. I don't care how she came about. Your duty as her father is to make sure she's not in a dangerous or destructive situation. So if you answered yes, then you need to exercise your paternal rights and either get your daughter into a better situation (grandparents etc) or man up and be a good father. That means more time not less. Sorry - your wants, needs and desires don't matter at this stage.

 

Question #2: Are you a dangerous dad?

I'm not talking about whether you're caring or compassionate - we'll get to that later. I'm talking about whether you pose an existential danger to your daughter. Are you an addict? Are you abusive? Sorry to ask this but - are you a pedophile? Do you keep company that poses a danger to your daughter's safety?

 

If your answer is yes then it is your duty to remove yourself from your daughter's life until you can clean yourself up so you aren't a threat to your daughter. Period.

 

Assuming you said no to this question as well, we turn to:

 

Desire: What should you do?

Question #3: Are you incapable of ever being compassionate with your daughter?

If the answer to this is yes, then you should remove yourself from your daughter's life. It is obvious she has bonded with you but not you to her. If you continue this, your daughter will constantly be seeking your love and that will never happen. She will grow up seeking affirmation, validation and love to an unhealthy extent from other men. You will have screwed her up before she even got a chance at a healthy life. Meet with an attorney, find out what you can do to remove your parental visitation rights. Confront and force it through with the mother.

 

Question #4: Can you be a good dad?

Look deep inside. Can you be a good dad? Even if you don't feel it. Can you be a positive influence on your daughter's life? If so, you probably should continue to be in your daughter's life. If you can improve her situation or upbringing, then you should.

 

Question #5: Would you be a better parent than her mom?

This is where we get into all of the intangibles and it is just a gut call. We've already established that neither of you are threats. Now it is just a matter of deciding who can be a better parent. If you can be a better parent than her mom, then you should be. If not, then....

 

If you got here by answering "no" to all of the questions above: then you should do what you want. And that sounds like leaving or reducing yourself in your daughter's life.

 

Saying Goodbye: If you decide to leave your daughter's life you must do this. I don't care if you have to method act this, you have to do it. You need to sit down with your four year old daughter and tell her that you love her very much. You love her so much that you are going to have to go away and not see her anymore because there are things with your life (make something up) that aren't good for her and you don't want anything bad to ever happen to her. Don't promise you'll come back. Just make sure she knows that you love her, that she didn't do anything wrong and that you are going away to make sure she is safe. I guarantee that she will think she's done something bad or wrong and you have to change her mind.

 

Final Note: Look man, I'm going to say some hard words here but I think you need to hear them. You seem very self absorbed, selfish, immature and uncaring. That might just be your age. Or your situation in life. Or the fact that you feel this situation was forced on you. Doesn't matter. If you got to the bottom of that unpacking and are still trying to figure out what to do, do yourself a favor and take some time to get real with yourself. Look deep inside and see if there is anything there that you don't know about. If you're religious, go talk to a pastor, priest, rabbi, imam - whatever your flavor. Do some personal development. Take the Landmark Forum. Go to a Tony Robbins event. Just take some time to step away from all of the BS stuff you listed and ask yourself what sort of man do you want to be. Make a good decision. For your daughter. For her mother. And yes, for yourself. You're drawing with permanent ink here buddy and your decision will impact the lives of many including your grandchildren someday.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

Edited by Mrin
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speaking as somebody who never knew their dad, it affected my faith in men, and left me choosing unavailable men, so I was always in love with somebody who hurt me

 

this took almost a lifetime to correct within myself

 

your daughter did not ask to be born, while you must have enjoyed the procreation process

 

she will get less demanding as she grows fully out of babyhood and further into high school etc

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...luckily she was kind enough to let him back in his child's life

 

whew, she sure was!

 

kids are not a thing that you can put aside, on hold, while you're growing up.

 

If you do not have a custody order I would get one in place & start with normal visitation.

 

actually - that is the recommended MINIMUM.

 

every other weekend and two weeks in summer are not nearly enough time to make a real connection with a child - you're not being a parent with that little time, just a guest in your child's life. NORMAL custody looks a couple of times a week, every other weekend, half of summer and other holidays. and that's a STRETCH because 50% of the time is what most a child most benefits from, according to science.

 

if he doesn't feel like being a father and doesn't love his daughter - he should let go and the mother should address it with the court and take his parental rights away. that way she protects both herself and her child from a Dad of the Year bouncing back, years later, with a new mommy in hand - ready to suddenly play family and push the real mother out. and usually, it's a success - i've seen it play out so many times; mothers/fathers care for their kids alone only to lose primary custody because the deadbeat parent married into a good house.

 

when the daughter is an adult, she can make the decision about her relationship with the OP herself.

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littleblackheart

Can you stick it out for another couple of years?

 

I did what your ex did for a few years after the divorce and refused to negociate the schedule of visits (that's twice a month for a 24h visit). He tries to do fun stuff with them to avoid parenting them, which, when my children were little, would make him be the best dad ever.

 

They are now a little older and have cottoned on to the fact he's a shyt dad all by themselves, without my input, which is what I was hoping for. I don't put any pressure on him to come see them anymore as a result, because I know the kids are ready. He's taken full advantage by slow fading them.

 

They're much less bothered than I thought, luckily, and have come to terms with having a second rate father all on their own. This may be your ex's strategy. Unless you want to harm her unnecessarily, pretending to like her for another few years may be enough for her to see the light on her own.

Edited by littleblackheart
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whew, she sure was!

 

kids are not a thing that you can put aside, on hold, while you're growing up.

 

 

 

actually - that is the recommended MINIMUM.

 

every other weekend and two weeks in summer are not nearly enough time to make a real connection with a child - you're not being a parent with that little time, just a guest in your child's life. NORMAL custody looks a couple of times a week, every other weekend, half of summer and other holidays. and that's a STRETCH because 50% of the time is what most a child most benefits from, according to science.

 

if he doesn't feel like being a father and doesn't love his daughter - he should let go and the mother should address it with the court and take his parental rights away. that way she protects both herself and her child from a Dad of the Year bouncing back, years later, with a new mommy in hand - ready to suddenly play family and push the real mother out. and usually, it's a success - i've seen it play out so many times; mothers/fathers care for their kids alone only to lose primary custody because the deadbeat parent married into a good house.

 

when the daughter is an adult, she can make the decision about her relationship with the OP herself.

 

I’ve tried giving up my rights the mother won’t let me.

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Okay dude, I'll help you unpack it. We are going to unpack it in a certain order. It has to be in this order because if at any time you say "yes" you have your answer - we stop. There is no "yes, but..." when it comes to this. Okay? Got it? Hear me out

 

Disclaimer: I'm a father of two daughters.

 

Duty: What are you obligated to do?

Question #1: Is her mom a bad/dangerous mother?

Notice I didn't ask if she was a good mom. Just a bad mom. A dangerous mom. Are there drugs involved? Is she wantonly neglectful of your daughter? Does she put your daughter in dangerous situations or around dangerous people? Etc...

 

If you answer yes to this question, then stop right there. Your duty as a father, as a man and as a human is to ensure that your daughter isn't raised by a harmful parent. Period. I don't care if you didn't want your daughter. I don't care how she came about. Your duty as her father is to make sure she's not in a dangerous or destructive situation. So if you answered yes, then you need to exercise your paternal rights and either get your daughter into a better situation (grandparents etc) or man up and be a good father. That means more time not less. Sorry - your wants, needs and desires don't matter at this stage.

 

Question #2: Are you a dangerous dad?

I'm not talking about whether you're caring or compassionate - we'll get to that later. I'm talking about whether you pose an existential danger to your daughter. Are you an addict? Are you abusive? Sorry to ask this but - are you a pedophile? Do you keep company that poses a danger to your daughter's safety?

 

If your answer is yes then it is your duty to remove yourself from your daughter's life until you can clean yourself up so you aren't a threat to your daughter. Period.

 

Assuming you said no to this question as well, we turn to:

 

Desire: What should you do?

Question #3: Are you incapable of ever being compassionate with your daughter?

If the answer to this is yes, then you should remove yourself from your daughter's life. It is obvious she has bonded with you but not you to her. If you continue this, your daughter will constantly be seeking your love and that will never happen. She will grow up seeking affirmation, validation and love to an unhealthy extent from other men. You will have screwed her up before she even got a chance at a healthy life. Meet with an attorney, find out what you can do to remove your parental visitation rights. Confront and force it through with the mother.

 

Question #4: Can you be a good dad?

Look deep inside. Can you be a good dad? Even if you don't feel it. Can you be a positive influence on your daughter's life? If so, you probably should continue to be in your daughter's life. If you can improve her situation or upbringing, then you should.

 

Question #5: Would you be a better parent than her mom?

This is where we get into all of the intangibles and it is just a gut call. We've already established that neither of you are threats. Now it is just a matter of deciding who can be a better parent. If you can be a better parent than her mom, then you should be. If not, then....

 

If you got here by answering "no" to all of the questions above: then you should do what you want. And that sounds like leaving or reducing yourself in your daughter's life.

 

Saying Goodbye: If you decide to leave your daughter's life you must do this. I don't care if you have to method act this, you have to do it. You need to sit down with your four year old daughter and tell her that you love her very much. You love her so much that you are going to have to go away and not see her anymore because there are things with your life (make something up) that aren't good for her and you don't want anything bad to ever happen to her. Don't promise you'll come back. Just make sure she knows that you love her, that she didn't do anything wrong and that you are going away to make sure she is safe. I guarantee that she will think she's done something bad or wrong and you have to change her mind.

 

Final Note: Look man, I'm going to say some hard words here but I think you need to hear them. You seem very self absorbed, selfish, immature and uncaring. That might just be your age. Or your situation in life. Or the fact that you feel this situation was forced on you. Doesn't matter. If you got to the bottom of that unpacking and are still trying to figure out what to do, do yourself a favor and take some time to get real with yourself. Look deep inside and see if there is anything there that you don't know about. If you're religious, go talk to a pastor, priest, rabbi, imam - whatever your flavor. Do some personal development. Take the Landmark Forum. Go to a Tony Robbins event. Just take some time to step away from all of the BS stuff you listed and ask yourself what sort of man do you want to be. Make a good decision. For your daughter. For her mother. And yes, for yourself. You're drawing with permanent ink here buddy and your decision will impact the lives of many including your grandchildren someday.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

 

No, I’m not abusive or a pedophile. I recreationally engage with substances on occasion. Never with my child, and yes the mother knows. I’ve tried not taking her and her mom freaks out and makes me.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
No, I’m not abusive or a pedophile. I recreationally engage with substances on occasion. Never with my child, and yes the mother knows. I’ve tried not taking her and her mom freaks out and makes me.

 

How does she "make" you? Does she drop the child off on your front porch and leave her?

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So you have been having your daughter full-time every weekend since she was born? How did you nurse her when she was a baby? Did you change her diapers and feed her in the middle of the night? Did you bathe her? Have you ever relied on a babysitter or your folks to help take care of the baby?

 

I also think it makes sense for you to have her one day each weekend or every other weekend and make up for rest with some week nights. Does the mother work? If yes, who's taking care of the little girl during the daytime on week days?

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