LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Familial > Parenting

How to do Christmas? Recently separated


Parenting Discuss tips, concerns, and all the mayhem involved in raising kids.

Like Tree44Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 27th November 2017, 8:04 AM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 283
How to do Christmas? Recently separated

Here are the cliff notes:

-Recently separated after 16 year relationship
-Cheated on my wife with new g/f of 6 month/Came clean after the 1st date
-Moved out and in the process of divorce
-New g/f is 16 years younger than I am


-STBXW wants me to come over X-Mas morning to watch our 9 year old son open presents but new g/f says HELL NO!!!! Our separation agreement has me having him X-Mas Eve and her having him for X-Mas with the option of me going over every X-Mas morning for presents. I can't imagine not opening presents with my son on X-Mas morning but I also don't want to lose my g/f over it. Is there a way I can convince my new g/f this is what parents do without making her more upset?

What do other divorced parents do? My brother is recently divorced and he goes to his ex wife's house every X-Mas and his new g/f (3 year relationship) is perfectly fine with it. They also snuck around for a year and a half so things were a lot different.
What-2-Do is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th November 2017, 8:13 AM   #2
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 3,146
Quote:
Originally Posted by What-2-Do View Post
Here are the cliff notes:

-Recently separated after 16 year relationship
-Cheated on my wife with new g/f of 6 month/Came clean after the 1st date
-Moved out and in the process of divorce
-New g/f is 16 years younger than I am


-STBXW wants me to come over X-Mas morning to watch our 9 year old son open presents but new g/f says HELL NO!!!! Our separation agreement has me having him X-Mas Eve and her having him for X-Mas with the option of me going over every X-Mas morning for presents. I can't imagine not opening presents with my son on X-Mas morning but I also don't want to lose my g/f over it. Is there a way I can convince my new g/f this is what parents do without making her more upset?

What do other divorced parents do? My brother is recently divorced and he goes to his ex wife's house every X-Mas and his new g/f (3 year relationship) is perfectly fine with it. They also snuck around for a year and a half so things were a lot different.
My ex and I never handled things this way, although he probably would have. I just had too much resentment and anger toward him.....I never wanted to share physical space with him! Still don't. I avoid it at all costs.

However, lots of families do it this way. I have a friend going through a divorce (no infidelity) and she has a boyfriend who is fine with the fact that her STBX will be at her house Christmas morning to see his children open gifts. It will be their first Christmas separated, too.

For you it's a touchy subject since you still have feelings for your STBX and your GF has expressed her displeasure at you talking "unnecessarily" to her.

Ultimately, your CHILD is the most important person in this equation. Not you, not your wife, not your girlfriend. What is best for the child?
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th November 2017, 9:02 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 14,631
People I know who are divorced with kids:

Father on Christmas Eve - celebrates with kids and let's them open presents
he bought.

Mother on Christmas Day - celebrates with kids and let's them open presents
she bought.

The kids seem to love it because they get 2 Christmases. There is no reason to go over to your EX wife's house to watch your son open his presents that she has bought for him.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th November 2017, 9:15 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 469
I think you should question why you are dating someone who doesn't want you to see your kids on Christmas day. Children first. Always.

If you want to persuade her, explain that you have no interest in your ex-wife, that this is about your children, and that they are very important to you and she should understand that. Tell her you'll be back in the afternoon (or whenever you'll be back) to spend time with her.
sdraw108 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th November 2017, 10:13 AM   #5
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 3,146
Quote:
Originally Posted by sdraw108 View Post
I think you should question why you are dating someone who doesn't want you to see your kids on Christmas day. Children first. Always.

If you want to persuade her, explain that you have no interest in your ex-wife, that this is about your children, and that they are very important to you and she should understand that. Tell her you'll be back in the afternoon (or whenever you'll be back) to spend time with her.
Except with him, this is not the case. He's having second thoughts.
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th November 2017, 11:03 AM   #6
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 26,323
What's the point of trying to fake happy in-tact family on Christmas morning? Does your child not know you are apart? As much as it pains you, it may be best to get your child used to the new normal.

This isn't about what your EX-W wants or what your GF wants. It has to be only about what is best for your child.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th November 2017, 11:21 AM   #7
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 3,146
Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
What's the point of trying to fake happy in-tact family on Christmas morning? Does your child not know you are apart? As much as it pains you, it may be best to get your child used to the new normal.

This isn't about what your EX-W wants or what your GF wants. It has to be only about what is best for your child.
It doesn't have to be faking or even implying the family is in-tact. I could personally never do it, but a lot of divorced families still do holidays together. Actually, the day my father died, we all "did" Christmas together even though my parents had been separated for five years.
anika99 and TunaCat like this.
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th November 2017, 11:23 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 533
I have my daughter on Christmas Eve and Christmas day and then in the afternoon I take her to her dad's house where she stays for a couple of days.

Me and my ex do not have the relationship where we can simply hang around the house together opening presents with her, but if you and your ex do then I would encourage it. Your child would probably like it as well and you wouldn't have to miss out on these moments.

Your girlfriend should understand that this is more important than her insecurities.
sdraw108 likes this.
noelle303 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th November 2017, 11:46 AM   #9
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 14,175
As the ex OW she already has a "relationship" with the wife, this is the woman she managed to "get rid of" to win the OP.
The wife is thus "the enemy", her main opponent and major competitor, and I guess the son is not much better actually in her eyes.
They are "the past" and she doesn't want the OP going back there as that excludes her and makes her "win" then ring a bit hollow... she is left alone on Xmas Day, whilst he plays happy families...

The last thing she will want is for the OP to spend any jolly, festive time with his wife and son.
As she said, and she no doubt sincerely meant "HELL, NO!!!!"

This is not some mother who understands the dynamics of parenting, this is a 24yo single women, who understands the dynamics of dating single guys.
Single guys are not supposed to spend Xmas Day socialising with their ex, FULL STOP.
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th November 2017, 11:50 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 469
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Except with him, this is not the case. He's having second thoughts.
Are you getting that from another thread? Because this one says things like, "Moved out and in the process of divorce", and "don't want to lose my g/f over it".

OP, if you're having second thoughts you should put that in this thread so that we have an accurate picture of what's going on.
sdraw108 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th November 2017, 11:54 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 469
Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
As the ex OW she already has a "relationship" with the wife, this is the woman she managed to "get rid of" to win the OP.
The wife is thus "the enemy", her main opponent and major competitor, and I guess the son is not much better actually in her eyes.
They are "the past" and she doesn't want the OP going back there as that excludes her and makes her "win" then ring a bit hollow... she is left alone on Xmas Day, whilst he plays happy families...

The last thing she will want is for the OP to spend any jolly, festive time with his wife and son.
As she said, and she no doubt sincerely meant "HELL, NO!!!!"

This is not some mother who understands the dynamics of parenting, this is a 24yo single women, who understands the dynamics of dating single guys.
Single guys are not supposed to spend Xmas Day socialising with their ex, FULL STOP.
That may very well explain things from her point of view (although IMO it is an unreasonable position to take when there are children involved). But this still needs to be about a father seeing his child on Christmas day. Everything else is just irrelevant. Children first.
sdraw108 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th November 2017, 11:55 AM   #12
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 14,175
Quote:
Originally Posted by sdraw108 View Post
Are you getting that from another thread? Because this one says things like, "Moved out and in the process of divorce", and "don't want to lose my g/f over it".

OP, if you're having second thoughts you should put that in this thread so that we have an accurate picture of what's going on.
Crying over my ex.... why?
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th November 2017, 12:03 PM   #13
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 14,175
Quote:
Originally Posted by sdraw108 View Post
That may very well explain things from her point of view (although IMO it is an unreasonable position to take when there are children involved). But this still needs to be about a father seeing his child on Christmas day. Everything else is just irrelevant. Children first.
Of course it is unreasonable from the point of view of the poor child, but she has made it perfectly clear she wants contact with the wife to be minimal.
So not a huge surprise to find she doesn't want him at his wife's place on Xmas day.
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th November 2017, 12:10 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 3,316
Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Of course it is unreasonable from the point of view of the poor child, but she has made it perfectly clear she wants contact with the wife to be minimal.
So not a huge surprise to find she doesn't want him at his wife's place on Xmas day.
We're not surprised. The question is who should he be with on Xmas morning? I'd pick the kid as he should be the priority and he's who the OP wants to be with.
anika99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th November 2017, 1:21 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,986
I think W2D's girlfriend is way in over her head. She is just too immature and inexperienced to understand the downsides of dating a parent. W2D's girlfriend was also naive enough to get involved with a married man and then expect him to put her above his child. To a single and childless woman of any age, a man with children has baggage that can make a relationship very complicated. One reason why second and third marriages rarely succeed is blended family issues.

FWIW, I dated a single dad when I was 22. He was much older than I was and I eventually left him because he didn't have time for a relationship. His son came first which meant several cancelled dates and weekends together. The final straw was when I spent that NYE by myself. I was done. Another single dad I dated a few years later stopped seeing me because his children felt that I was too young for him. We both liked each other and got along well but his children's opinion came first. Those two experiences taught me to stay away from men with children.
BettyDraper is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Recently Separated GuyLost Separation and Divorce 15 27th December 2016 5:18 PM
Recently separated Sm12345 Second Chances 1 12th October 2016 1:53 PM
Recently separated DoSteven2016 Separation and Divorce 10 28th September 2016 5:33 PM
Recently Separated mrsbrown Separation and Divorce 4 13th July 2014 1:30 AM
Recently separated av8tir Separation and Divorce 3 26th October 2011 5:11 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:07 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.