LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Familial > Parenting

No-coparenting, ..


Parenting Discuss tips, concerns, and all the mayhem involved in raising kids.

Like Tree29Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 14th November 2017, 10:45 AM   #16
Established Member
 
TheWoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 254
Actually she doesn't have to work with you. She might find contact with you to be damaging to her well being, and therefore damaging to her ability to be a good parent. Sometimes that is the case.

ALL the other posters here are saying the same things.... so maybe they might be even a little bit right?

I suggest if you want to improve communication and the relationship you have with your ex, so that you can works together more effectively for the good of your child, then think about how to actually improve the relationship with her. A derogatory, aggressive win/lose attitude will not achieve this. Try instead friendly, encouraging and supportive approach. Offer to help, ask what you can help with. It will not work overnight but should eventually make a difference.
__________________
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full for language & ideas, even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make any sense. - Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī
TheWoman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2017, 11:13 AM   #17
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheWoman View Post
Actually she doesn't have to work with you. She might find contact with you to be damaging to her well being, and therefore damaging to her ability to be a good parent. Sometimes that is the case.

ALL the other posters here are saying the same things.... so maybe they might be even a little bit right?

I suggest if you want to improve communication and the relationship you have with your ex, so that you can works together more effectively for the good of your child, then think about how to actually improve the relationship with her. A derogatory, aggressive win/lose attitude will not achieve this. Try instead friendly, encouraging and supportive approach. Offer to help, ask what you can help with. It will not work overnight but should eventually make a difference.
I will agree my approach with her isn't often the best. It's extremely frustrating as I have tried everything. Despite what she has done the past 5 years I have taken the high road quite a bit and I am proud of myself. I probably do need to tone down the accusatory stuff, justifying my position etc and be more basic with tone and approach. I've asked for counseling, asked to sit down with her and chat. She is just not in a place of desiring to work together and might never be.

I on the other hand I am an over communicator, I want to talk about everything and problem solve. I honestly don't know how she feels about much of anything. I suspect since this hasn't turned out how she planned it all that has just increased the resentment toward me. It's like she is blinded by how much our son loves me and can't see it or accept it.
peace-maker17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2017, 11:19 AM   #18
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 2,759
You have a custody agreement, she is following it. Arbitrarily deciding that you know better how the time should be split up, rather than the fair custody agreement, shouldn't be something you can force upon her.

Kids are more flexible than you seem to give them credit for, a 4 day on, 3 day off custody agreement is not going to scar your child.
basil67 likes this.
GunslingerRoland is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2017, 12:40 PM   #19
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by GunslingerRoland View Post
You have a custody agreement, she is following it. Arbitrarily deciding that you know better how the time should be split up, rather than the fair custody agreement, shouldn't be something you can force upon her.

Kids are more flexible than you seem to give them credit for, a 4 day on, 3 day off custody agreement is not going to scar your child.
I think "force" is a bit strong. I'm asking her to let our child see his father during long absences and vice versa for her. The truth is we see things totally differently and that's fine, but I still don't think what she is doing is good for our son.
peace-maker17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2017, 2:40 PM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 533
Quote:
Originally Posted by peace-maker17 View Post
I think "force" is a bit strong. I'm asking her to let our child see his father during long absences and vice versa for her. The truth is we see things totally differently and that's fine, but I still don't think what she is doing is good for our son.
You guys have 50-50 custody, how long can these abscences be? Don't you think that considering that she already has time with her child cut in half, she want to utilize everything she's got and not share even that?

Plus, when you describe that you'll have your son for 9 uninterrupted days during Christmas and she won't ask for him - that doesn't sound like the alienating parent you're trying to portray her as being. I'm sure it's killing her not to have her son for 9 days during Christmas, but she's respecting the custody agreement made by the court. You should provide her with the same courtesy when she has her 9 days with him.

Look, there isn't just one way of what a co-parenting relationship should look like. Some separated parents are super friendly, some are less friendly, for some it's better that the parents don't even communicate other that the bare neccessity. She clearly decided that it would be better if she strictly keeps to the custody schedule and doesn't talk with you any more than she needs to. You need to respect that and realize that you can't force yourself into someone's life.

Be thankful that she lets you have time with your son, doesn't trash talk you to him and keeps things civil.

Oh and FYI, the whole ''I'm the better parent'' - it's not a competition and stop treating it as such.
noelle303 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2017, 2:49 PM   #21
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 7,998
Quote:
Originally Posted by peace-maker17 View Post
but I still don't think what she is doing is good for our son.
Meanwhile, you giving your son options which you *know* she will not agree to is terrible for your son. You're not in a position to play 'parent of the year' here.

Your actions are confusing your son and further alienating your ex. An ex who is doing nothing wrong.
MJJean likes this.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2017, 3:13 PM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 7,998
Quote:
Originally Posted by peace-maker17 View Post
This is absurd, of course I am the better parent.
Your posting history tells us otherwise. This is one of many My situation, need some understanding.

First up, if you were a better parent, your wife wouldn't have had to flee your emotionally abusive behaviour. Your family would likely still be intact.

The way you write, it sounds like you present as smooth, reasonable and affable while quietly working to undermine your ex via your child. It's also like you've forgotten all the damage you did previously and have little concept of having previously lost all her trust and respect. If you want her to work with you, you have to start by gaining her respect back.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2017, 3:19 PM   #23
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
Meanwhile, you giving your son options which you *know* she will not agree to is terrible for your son. You're not in a position to play 'parent of the year' here.

Your actions are confusing your son and further alienating your ex. An ex who is doing nothing wrong.
Why is there this mindset of because of a custody agreement there can be no flexibility? That's not good for our son. It's time for her to put down the sword and work together. The kid wants to see his Dad, let him do so.. It's what I do when he is with me. It's amazing the hate and resentment she has toward me seems ok to you guys, with no realization how it's going to impact our son. He knows Mom doesn't like Dad, and it shouldn't be that way.

Oh, she has done plenty wrong. That's probably another thread though... Lol..
peace-maker17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2017, 4:46 PM   #24
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 2,759
Of course there can be flexibility in co-parenting but it needs to be a mutual thing. To me this situation sounds like a power trip of you trying to prove that you know better than everyone else.

My honest advice would be follow the arrangement as it's written cordially and at some point it's likely she'll ask for an adjustment for some reason. Treat her respectfully and agree to it, and build up a trust base to make future ones yourself.
basil67 likes this.
GunslingerRoland is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th November 2017, 12:13 AM   #25
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 3,318
Quote:
Originally Posted by peace-maker17 View Post
This is absurd, of course I am the better parent. I am pretty much the sole provider for him financially, as well as the parent who puts the child first in all situations. His Mom enrolled him in school without even telling me, has moved around 5-6 times. She is transient, has residential and financial instability and has failed to put our son first countless times. Thankfully she got spanked legally.

Let's put the notion to bed that being inflexible, rigid and difficult is somehow good for a child. Our custody agreement doesn't always match our son's needs. Our child has difficulties when he goes long stretches not seeing each parent, it's well documented this isn't good for young children either. A simple why don't you take him to dinner would be golden in our son's eyes. Using excuses to block him from seeing his father for dinner is wrong.

This isn't a frequent occurrence, I understand I have my time and she has hers, but I also understand our son's needs. These don't always match the custody schedule, and it's only a few times a year. Here is a perfect example, this year I have my son Dec 20th - 29th. Do I think he should go 4 days after xmas without opening gifts with his Mom, no. Will she ask me? No. That's the crux of the issue.

I have done numerous research going through what I have been through. This concept of stability and not switching homes somehow benefitting the child more than the love of a parent is quite frankly a big lie. I remember her posting I couldn't see my son because of breastfeeding. Anything to try and keep him from his Dad.. Thankfully she lost, and he's with his Dad now half the time.

I have a lot of pain from going through 4 attorneys, and driving 70 miles to pickup my son for an overnight visit for her to pick him up the next morning. I don't hate his mom, but at some point she has to work together, or it's going to hurt our child.
Actually I read your thread about your ex when you separated and she was still breastfeeding your son who was a baby at that time. You said she was allowing visitation she just wouldn't agree to over nights because of the breast feeding which is understandable. I'm sure your ex is no saint either but she is honoring the custody agreement and that's a blessing.

I know some divorced couples have the laid back flexible approach to the shared parenting that you desire with your ex. That's great when it works out but I also know some dads that have to fight tooth and nail for every visit on ongoing basis. Your history with your ex was extremely volitile and toxic and so it's really no surprise that she wants to keep her time and your time completely separate. It doesn't sound like your ex is interfering in your parenting time and you really should be grateful for that.

Stop creating conflict and confusion in your son by telling him he can come be with you (or ask to be with you) during his mom's time. Again you are the one giving him mixed messages and creating an unhealthy dynamic by not respecting your wife's right to make her own parenting decisions during her time.
anika99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th November 2017, 1:07 AM   #26
Established Member
 
Blanco's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 2,569
Quote:
Originally Posted by peace-maker17 View Post
Why is there this mindset of because of a custody agreement there can be no flexibility? That's not good for our son. It's time for her to put down the sword and work together. The kid wants to see his Dad, let him do so.. It's what I do when he is with me. It's amazing the hate and resentment she has toward me seems ok to you guys, with no realization how it's going to impact our son. He knows Mom doesn't like Dad, and it shouldn't be that way.

Oh, she has done plenty wrong. That's probably another thread though... Lol..
Yeah, but it's not up to your son which parent he's with and when. He's a child. He doesn't get to call the shots. It seems like you're only assuaging him because what he wants would benefit you.

Even if it's not what you want, you should be responding to your son's requests by making it clear you hear him and understand him. But to follow that up with an explanation in terms a child can explain of why he's with you sometimes and why he's with her the other times.

By entertaining his requests and leaving the decision up to the mother, you've basically responded to a child's request to have ice cream for dinner by saying, "Well, I'm OK with it, but let's see what your mother says." You're putting her in a no-win situation.
Blanco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th November 2017, 2:04 AM   #27
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 7,998
Quote:
Originally Posted by peace-maker17 View Post
Why is there this mindset of because of a custody agreement there can be no flexibility?
If you want a flexible custody agreement, then it needs to be built INTO the custody agreement. It's not OK to make an agreement and try to change it after the fact.

To seek change, you need to take it back to the lawyers and try to negotiate a a new agreement.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th November 2017, 8:29 AM   #28
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 1,644
I, too, see nothing wrong with your exW's behavior during her parenting time. You have nearly 50/50 custody. She is under no legal or moral obligation to give you part of her half.
__________________
I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me. Where the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain." - Litany Against Fear
MJJean is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th November 2017, 8:38 AM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 14,636
Why do women always get primary custody of the kids?
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th November 2017, 9:01 AM   #30
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 2,759
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
Why do women always get primary custody of the kids?
They are assumed to be the better parent, unless proven otherwise. The mindset is slowly shifting but Dad's are generally seen as the incompetent parent.
GunslingerRoland is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Coparenting schedules for those that aren't 50\50 or NC bpdftl Separation and Divorce 7 23rd February 2017 8:57 PM
Custody/coparenting schedules RunOverDad Separation and Divorce 7 24th February 2014 9:21 PM
Coparenting with a compulsive liar Lying eyes Separation and Divorce 2 3rd November 2009 5:50 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 5:57 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.