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GFs kid lied and disrepected me


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Old 13th October 2017, 1:26 AM   #76
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Pretty sure otter was just being sarcastic about breaking things off.
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Old 13th October 2017, 9:30 PM   #77
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Originally Posted by kittencupcake View Post
You know she lies to get food..so why would you believe her when she tells you to give her money for ice cream in the first place? Step number one..check with her mother before you give her money for food.

Step two..stop calling her names. Remember she is a child and she has a mental illness. Have some compassion.
You are right. She was with the neighbors mom who was driving them so it all seemed legit. I didn't expect her to lie to me in front of the other kids mom - that seemed too brazen. I was wrong.

I have NEVER, EVER, EVER called her a name. I expressed my frustration here and HERE ONLY. I would never talk to anyone like that - especially a child.
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Old 13th October 2017, 9:36 PM   #78
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When an issue happens, start by taking moment to pause and remind yourself that whatever illness she has (mental/physical) is doing the talking. She's not a bad child or deliberately setting out to disrespect you.

As for how to approach her behaviour at the time, do as the child health/mental health practitioner advises. My husband and I have a child who has a disability and behavioural issues. One of the more helpful things we've done is to go together (without our son) to sit down and learn the right strategies to help manage his behaviour. Thing is, instinctive parenting doesn't always work when you're dealing with issues which require professional intervention.
Thank you! That is solid advise!!
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Old 13th October 2017, 9:47 PM   #79
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No he doesn't get a parental role. He is only dating the mom. He doesn't live with them and there doesn't seem to be any plans to marry or make commitments...
I completely agree that I have a limited role. Part of my frustration was increased issues / instances that I felt were more directed at me and more brazen.

I try and mind my place, support her moms decisions, not give into buying her snacks, junk food ect when she asks and be a positive role model. Its not easy by any means.
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Old 13th October 2017, 10:10 PM   #80
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Two sessions of what? What kind of help are they seeking?

Granted I don't know the situation, but it sounds to me like the girl should have a full gamut of medical testing done by a paediatritian, followed by ongoing work with a dietitian and child psychologist who specialises in this area.
Great question. I am not really sure (crappy answer).

I know her mom had her seeing a dietician and has had some medical tests done (thyroid etc.) but that was before my time. Her mom called a "therapist" just prior to the infamous "milkshake incident".

I am genuinely trying to listen, inquire and show interest in the sessions without prying or overstepping my bounds knowing that its a deeply personal situation for both GF and her daughter. Long story short, waiting for my opportunity to have a serious and in depth discussion.
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Old 14th October 2017, 9:06 AM   #81
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Oh, and my kids would have drank some of a milkshake if I had them buy me one, and they would have called it a "handling tax". It would have been met with good humor, not disgust.
Trust me, under normal conditions it wouldn't be an issue and its not about the milkshake. Its about repeated lying, abuse of food and ongoing deception.

Its an illness / disease I now get that. This situation is/was like Chinese water torture: many repeated instances that start small and inoquouse (sp) but build and build over time until you cant take it any more and you lose your patience.

I ask you to recall a relationship with a family member, friend, co-worker, neighbor...that started out fine but over time, as you learned more about the person and their behaviors, it negatively changed your relationship.

Surely this has happened to everyone in their lifetime? What did you do when you reached your breaking point: Lose your cool n yell at them? End the relationship? Cut them out of your life? Throw dog poop over the fence into their yard (joke)?

You can judge or belittle me all you want but this is a very real and stressful situation.
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Old 15th October 2017, 10:12 AM   #82
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Originally Posted by Otter2569 View Post
You are right. She was with the neighbors mom who was driving them so it all seemed legit. I didn't expect her to lie to me in front of the other kids mom - that seemed too brazen. I was wrong.

I have NEVER, EVER, EVER called her a name. I expressed my frustration here and HERE ONLY. I would never talk to anyone like that - especially a child.
I’m glad to hear that. I understand the frustration..but she truly is mentally ill. That doesn’t excuse lying and being disrespectful, but at least you know that there’s an explanation.

A dietician is a good start but this girl also needs psychiatric help. Are you sure she likes her therapist? If she doesn’t trust him or her then that won’t help.
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Old 15th October 2017, 2:53 PM   #83
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Originally Posted by kittencupcake View Post
Iím glad to hear that. I understand the frustration..but she truly is mentally ill. That doesnít excuse lying and being disrespectful, but at least you know that thereís an explanation.

A dietician is a good start but this girl also needs psychiatric help. Are you sure she likes her therapist? If she doesnít trust him or her then that wonít help.
She has gone to two therapy sessions so far. They've changed from meeting once a week to once every two weeks? I inquire as to how things are going but also recognize the personal nature and sensitivity of the issue as well.

All I know is that there has been a positive change I her overall attitude and that is a step in the right direction
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Old 15th October 2017, 4:25 PM   #84
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I'm glad to read that there have been some positive gains made. I've also noticed a change in your tone. Thumbs up to you, too.

Change isn't linear, so be prepared for some ups and downs.

It sounds as though you're on the right track.
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Old 18th October 2017, 2:28 AM   #85
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Originally Posted by Otter2569 View Post
Trust me, under normal conditions it wouldn't be an issue and its not about the milkshake. Its about repeated lying, abuse of food and ongoing deception.

Its an illness / disease I now get that. This situation is/was like Chinese water torture: many repeated instances that start small and inoquouse (sp) but build and build over time until you cant take it any more and you lose your patience.

I ask you to recall a relationship with a family member, friend, co-worker, neighbor...that started out fine but over time, as you learned more about the person and their behaviors, it negatively changed your relationship.

Surely this has happened to everyone in their lifetime? What did you do when you reached your breaking point: Lose your cool n yell at them? End the relationship? Cut them out of your life? Throw dog poop over the fence into their yard (joke)?

You can judge or belittle me all you want but this is a very real and stressful situation.
Actually, I was on your side, and hoped that you would see that you could be a positive male role model in her life. Which I was shot down for because you apparently don't have any parental role in her life. I guess that is what works for your GF, and you.

What I have never done is judge and belittle a child for behaviors that are often out of their control. I also would have never condoned my BF treating my children poorly, in any way. My kids always came first! Apparently my method worked out just fine, considering I've been with my husband 20 years, and the kids love and respect him.

My kids have made mistakes, they lied once in a while, they got caught, and we dealt with it. I do not demean them, assume they are acting out in disrespect, etc. I do no EXPECT my children to respect me, I earn their respect through my actions. They also earn my trust and respect through their actions. I've raised two great kids, who are now 25 and 20. Yes, we would joke about the milkshake. It's how we interact. I don't make a big deal over the little things, because it's tiring and no one benefits. You think that was a judgment of you? No, it was how I would have dealt with my children.

How I handle children is not how I handle adults who lie and deceive. If it is a child, I try to be empathetic and figure out the root of the problem instead of making assumptions, and saying hurtful things. I understand that their brains are not as developed as an adult, and therefore think and behave differently. I interact with them accordingly.

Most adults know when they are being deceptive, and they often know why. They do it for personal gain, typically. If an adult lies and disrespects me, I do not tend to keep them in my life. I have better things to do that spend my time with toxic people. I would expect the same in return from them, if I lied and disrespected them.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 6:40 PM   #86
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Actually, I was on your side, and hoped that you would see that you could be a positive male role model in her life. Which I was shot down for because you apparently don't have any parental role in her life. I guess that is what works for your GF, and you.

What I have never done is judge and belittle a child for behaviors that are often out of their control. I also would have never condoned my BF treating my children poorly, in any way. My kids always came first! Apparently my method worked out just fine, considering I've been with my husband 20 years, and the kids love and respect him.

My kids have made mistakes, they lied once in a while, they got caught, and we dealt with it. I do not demean them, assume they are acting out in disrespect, etc. I do no EXPECT my children to respect me, I earn their respect through my actions. They also earn my trust and respect through their actions. I've raised two great kids, who are now 25 and 20. Yes, we would joke about the milkshake. It's how we interact. I don't make a big deal over the little things, because it's tiring and no one benefits. You think that was a judgment of you? No, it was how I would have dealt with my children.

How I handle children is not how I handle adults who lie and deceive. If it is a child, I try to be empathetic and figure out the root of the problem instead of making assumptions, and saying hurtful things. I understand that their brains are not as developed as an adult, and therefore think and behave differently. I interact with them accordingly.
Do you even read?! Clearly not!!! Thanks for nothing...bye bye!!!
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Old 9th November 2017, 3:00 PM   #87
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Do you even read?! Clearly not!!! Thanks for nothing...bye bye!!!
You just can't expect the child to not pickup on the things that go on in your head .. or your posts (on here) about her, and instances.

Even acting or 'keeping things light' - could come off as sarcasm.
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