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GFs kid lied and disrepected me


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Old 21st September 2017, 7:55 PM   #16
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This isn't about being bored or simply liking food, the kid is basically an addict losing control.

She needs professional help.

Where is dad? Where are the boundaries? Where is the authority? You said she is bossy etc - why does Mom allow this?

Kid sounds like she lacks security. When kids (very much like animals) don't feel secure with their leader - they in turn attempt to take control. Acting like an adult, bossiness, eating disorder all point to this. How SECURE does this kid feel? Has her life been stable up to this point?

Eating disorders are often about control. Control to not eat (anorexia), control to binge and purge (bulemia), control to eat whatever she feels compelled to (over eating). In the end these compulsions take over - and the disorder takes control.
I completely agree about the need for professional help and have said so to GF...albeit trying to be respectful.

Her father is pretty much absent in her life. Lives many states away, doesn't provide emotional or financial support. Takes her for a few weeks in the summer and that's it.

I take the daughters control and attitude as a me coming between her and her mom...thats just my take on this. The kids main focus is food, food, food and her attitude turns me off so I tend to go on dates with her mom versus including all of us as I did early on.

I like your perspective. Obviously I wish we all get got along without issue but this the hand we are dealt.
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Old 21st September 2017, 10:00 PM   #17
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I take the daughters control and attitude as a me coming between her and her mom...thats just my take on this. The kids main focus is food, food, food and her attitude turns me off so I tend to go on dates with her mom versus including all of us as I did early on.
Hold on there, buddy. I've dated a single mom who had a kid that was... challenging, and I definitely had my "I'm gonna pull out my hair so I don't lose it" moments with her.

However, she's still young enough where I think she needs the benefit of the doubt and some guidance from MOM. It almost sounds like her mom is taking a hands-off approach with this, which isn't going to be an effective long-term solution.

As for your role in this, I will say that your first sentence is really at odds with the second one. So you think the kid is acting out because she thinks you're coming between her and her mom and your solution is to... exclude her from activities you and her mom embark on?
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Old 21st September 2017, 11:09 PM   #18
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People who have eating disorders DO lie and manipulate. Those who overeat may hide what they eat and those with anorexia will pretend that they have eaten. It's all part of the disease. I think it's incredibly sad that you're calling the child a liar when in fact she's in the grip of a disease which is currently out of control.

What diagnostic tests has her paediatrican run so far?
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Old 22nd September 2017, 6:03 AM   #19
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...I think she needs the benefit of the doubt and some guidance from MOM. It almost sounds like her mom is taking a hands-off approach with this, which isn't going to be an effective long-term solution.

As for your role in this, I will say that your first sentence is really at odds with the second one. So you think the kid is acting out because she thinks you're coming between her and her mom and your solution is to... exclude her from activities you and her mom embark on?
Mom buys healthy food, talks about portions, talks about making good choices, encourages her to make friends, signs her up for sports and we do do things together. Personally I think professional help is needed.

We have a mix of family time and date time. The kid has been moody, emotional and more out spoken in the last few months so I am pulling back trying to understand what is going on. Yes pre teen hormones to which I have NO experience.

I could make a dozen posts about including the daughter and how she ruined our time together. If quality time doesnt include junk food (or if it involves exercise like walking) she doesn't want to go but we do invite her.

My fave is the time I got baseball tickets for us. It was a beautiful summer night. We talked about going all day. As we pull out of the house she "feels sick". So sick we cant leave her home so we don't go. 30 minutes later the kid is in her bathing suit going to meet her friend at the pool
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Old 22nd September 2017, 6:27 AM   #20
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It sounds like she prefers the company of food to the company of you and it's no wonder why if she senses your disgust towards her.

Kids can often have a sixth sense when it comes to picking up on people.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 7:50 AM   #21
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teen children are faced with challenges. challenges they have never experienced. some make good decisions others do not. even then did they do so because of a good decision tree or luck? worse we often only see the result not the process. now add our (adult) frustration because it seems so easy to us, that we miss or more likely misinterpret what we see:
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... when I got back home half of my milk shake was gone - she drank it!...deceptive little **** ...
that is NOT an act of deception. that is a blatant 'HELLO'. as a coach of girls high school ice hockey team: i have been 'confronted' with cutters and one nuclear meltdown... this CHILD is doing her best, in her not yet developed mind, to tell her mom and you something is VERY wrong.

it is time to take action: as in professional help from a person experienced in teen behavior issues. do not ignore her pleads.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 7:57 AM   #22
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I guess by his other thread the OP is getting bored by this relationship, and the kid is just another excuse for his growing dissatisfaction.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 12:06 PM   #23
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Dating someone with kids means it's a package deal. I empathize with your frustrations dealing with a difficult child, but again, I think there are some deeper issues at play here not being addressed.

Regardless of how good a parent is, there is always somewhat of a void if the other parent is completely absent from a child's life. Children might be more possessive of that lone parent because there's already this scarcity mentality, whether they are aware of it or not.

Now add in that mom is dating a guy who doesn't seem to like her all that much, and well, it's not shocking that she is having a rough go of it.

Young and adolescent children are not accessories or throw-ins. They're a vital part of the deal when you date a parent, and it's not for everyone. I think you need to decide where your intentions are long-term.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 4:26 PM   #24
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Again, it's not about food, it's about insecurity.

Where were they living before they moved in with you? What had her life looked like up to that point? How much structure and sense of security has mom been providing?

This isn't about portion control or healthy habits - the underlying cause for the behavior needs to be addressed. She doesn't do this because she is hungry, it's because she feels like her life is instable.

Moving in with "new dude" when it sounds like neither of you particularly like each other is HARD.

Why did they move in? What's the end goal here? Marriage?

Honestly when kids are involved, I think the adults should think very hard before playing house - so much at stake.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 5:27 PM   #25
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Otter doesn't live with them RC.

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I am the BF. We live apart and see each other several days a week.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 6:19 PM   #26
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I don't think you're meant to date women with kids. The lack of compassion and respect you have for your girlfriend's child is astoundingly sad. She's a human being who is hurting and not just "The Kid" who is coming between you and your girlfriend.

Have you ever considered how your attitude might be affecting this young girl's behavior?
Kids often act out when they sense that the adults in their lives deeply resent them.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 6:59 PM   #27
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I am venting here so tend to be more uncensored but around her and her mom I am pretty calm and relaxed. This situation is just another instance of her eating disorder and poor choices / intentional deceptions to get junk food.

Her mom has not gotten her to a therapist yet but has called. I used this as an example of why the daughter needs to see someone ASAP.

There is very little junk food in the house but the kid will eat anything she can: 6 PB and J sandwiches (all natural, reduced sugar and whole wheat...). We buy a box of protein bars, the kid powers them down because they look like a candy bar. Its frustrating and I am distancing myself and limiting my interactions.
The kid has an eating disorder, that's not her fault. She needs counseling so badly.

You tell your gf that if she doesn't make the call for help to get a therapist who specializes in eating disorders then you will! There's NO excuse as to why an appt hasn't been made yet unless your gf is in denial.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 12:22 AM   #28
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My fave is the time I got baseball tickets for us. It was a beautiful summer night. We talked about going all day. As we pull out of the house she "feels sick". So sick we cant leave her home so we don't go. 30 minutes later the kid is in her bathing suit going to meet her friend at the pool
You should be mad at the kid's mom for this, not the kid. Why on earth did mom let her go spend time with friends after she was "too sick" to go to the game? Kids try to pull stuff like that all the time. It's the parent's job to not give in to bratty behavior - you have to teach them that it's unacceptable. Kid didn't ruin your time together, mom did.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 4:35 AM   #29
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I guess by his other thread the OP is getting bored by this relationship, and the kid is just another excuse for his growing dissatisfaction.
After checking out the other related threads, I have to say that I find this thread quite disturbing. OP: Just break up with the mother already; this girl doesn't need to have more drama in her life.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 5:15 AM   #30
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My favorite radio therapist says that when you are dating someone with kids, detach from the kids. They already have a mom and dad to parent them. Stay out of it and stop caring. Be on the sidelines and that's it. Direct the kid back to their mom or dad if they as you for anything. I have yet to date anyone with kids, but that's what I would do. I would not be getting close with them and trying to parent them. It should be easy for you to do if you do not live with them. (go idea not to move together) The reason for this is because you will never have any leverage as a step parent and will just end up frustrated ... at everyone. If someone has more "kid drama" than you can handle, then you probably should just stop dating them. They probably need to be focusing all their efforts into their kid anyway.
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