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Unsure of how to go about caring for my other son


Parenting Discuss tips, concerns, and all the mayhem involved in raising kids.

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Old 2nd August 2017, 4:51 PM   #46
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I am so proud to be his dad. I love how many people love him. I love that he's the pizza store's little mascot, and I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to go in and have pizza and ice cream with him. I can't tell you how close I've been to getting out of the car and going in when I see he's there. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
Have you ever heard that love is an action?

You wish you could show him how proud you are - but you are too selfish too.

Here... this is what a "proud dad" would have done at the restaurant.

He comes in, see you. You stand up, invite him over, and present him to the crowd.

"Everyone meet Brian! He's my handsome 5 year old. Such a bright kid, you should all see how skilled he is with music some day"

But instead, you pretended you didn't know him. You showed that you were ashamed of him.

He WILL internalize that. He WILL miss all of those moments, pizza and ice cream which he should have shared with his dad. But his dad was too concerned about his reputation to go create memories with him.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 4:53 PM   #47
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Do I think my wife would divorce me? Absolutely. That was one of her conditions for staying together. There would be no public acknowledgment of Brian. It certainly didn't help when last fall his mom said to my wife "if I wanted him I'd have him." after a disagreement.


Sorry but that is one promise you can't keep. It's destroying a child. If your marriage has to be sacrificed to avoid further damage to this little boy, so be it.


On this point alone your wife is in the wrong.


Again her anger has to be addressed. She suppressed it to save your marriage which might not have been a good trade off.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 4:56 PM   #48
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This whole thing has ruined four kids lives, Brian included. I can't just act like he's the only one.

Do I think my wife would divorce me? Absolutely. That was one of her conditions for staying together. There would be no public acknowledgment of Brian. It certainly didn't help when last fall his mom said to my wife "if I wanted him I'd have him." after a disagreement.
You are holding all the cards, OP. You might think you don't, but you do. Also, that sounds a little bit like emotional blackmail from your wife.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 5:01 PM   #49
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This whole thing has ruined four kids lives, Brian included. I can't just act like he's the only one.

Do I think my wife would divorce me? Absolutely. That was one of her conditions for staying together. There would be no public acknowledgment of Brian. It certainly didn't help when last fall his mom said to my wife "if I wanted him I'd have him." after a disagreement.
Well, actions have consequences. You might get divorced, but you chose the action, so you choose the consequence.

Your wife is an adult with grownup coping mechanisms. Brian is a child with a child's coping mechanisms. She's already had the worst thing ever happened to her and survived. She'd survive this, too. And I doubt she'd go through with the divorce.

Do you love your wife or are you just trying to minimize consequences here?
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Old 2nd August 2017, 5:04 PM   #50
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This whole thing has ruined four kids lives, Brian included. I can't just act like he's the only one.

Do I think my wife would divorce me? Absolutely. That was one of her conditions for staying together. There would be no public acknowledgment of Brian. It certainly didn't help when last fall his mom said to my wife "if I wanted him I'd have him." after a disagreement.
And does she realize what something like this could do to a young child? How damaging it is for him?

Now, the bolded part kinda confirms it to me that you are perfectly aware that your wife is taking her anger and resentment at the mother on Brian. Thereby, emotionally abusing a young child in the process. And she isn't willing to work on this in therapy?
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Old 2nd August 2017, 5:12 PM   #51
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And does she realize what something like this could do to a young child? How damaging it is for him?

Now, the bolded part kinda confirms it to me that you are perfectly aware that your wife is taking her anger and resentment at the mother on Brian. Thereby, emotionally abusing a young child in the process. And she isn't willing to work on this in therapy?

I got the sense that the teenaged GF / Brian's mom said to the OP's wife that if she the (GF) wanted the OP, she (the GF) could easily take the OP away from his wife. The wife didn't say that. But hearing stuff like that probably made the wife even more invested in keeping the OP away from Brian's mom even if it means keeping him away from his son. Plus the wife still understandably gets upset when she is forced to deal with the living breathing, walking, talking reminder that her husband got a teenager pregnant.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 5:13 PM   #52
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I love my wife. She's one of the smartest, kindest, gentle people I've ever known. She is my best friend, but sometimes she does things that make me wonder if she's the same person.

Brian is not brought up in therapy because she has expressed feelings of violence towards him. Feelings. Mind you. We've been dealing with them and want to make sure she is okay. She's never alone with Brian and never will be, but it's always in my mind. I have thought about divorce for that reason.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 5:15 PM   #53
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I got the sense that the teenaged GF / Brian's mom said to the OP's wife that if she the (GF) wanted the OP, she (the GF) could easily take the OP away from his wife. The wife didn't say that. But hearing stuff like that probably made the wife even more invested in keeping the OP away from Brian's mom even if it means keeping him away from his son. Plus the wife still understandably gets upset when she is forced to deal with the living breathing, walking, talking reminder that her husband got a teenager pregnant.
Exactly. I know this is a big problem for her.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 5:16 PM   #54
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Brian is not brought up in therapy because she has expressed feelings of violence towards him. Feelings. Mind you. We've been dealing with them and want to make sure she is okay. She's never alone with Brian and never will be, but it's always in my mind. I have thought about divorce for that reason.

Holy molely. Whose idea was it to not talk about this violent desire in therapy?


Your wife really needs to address this.


Maybe you do need a divorce.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 5:18 PM   #55
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Holy molely. Whose idea was it to not talk about this violent desire in therapy?


Your wife really needs to address this.


Maybe you do need a divorce.
I didn't want to continue that conversation. She's on some medication now that I think helps and I have been told that women who are pre menopausal might feel that way.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 5:21 PM   #56
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I didn't want to continue that conversation. She's on some medication now that I think helps and I have been told that women who are pre menopausal might feel that way.
What do you want, OP? What would be your preferred outcome?
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Old 2nd August 2017, 5:24 PM   #57
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I got the sense that the teenaged GF / Brian's mom said to the OP's wife that if she the (GF) wanted the OP, she (the GF) could easily take the OP away from his wife. The wife didn't say that. But hearing stuff like that probably made the wife even more invested in keeping the OP away from Brian's mom even if it means keeping him away from his son. Plus the wife still understandably gets upset when she is forced to deal with the living breathing, walking, talking reminder that her husband got a teenager pregnant.
I understand that it was the mom who said it to the wife and that she was referring to the OP.

It was a very hurtful thing to say. However, not something actually relates to Brian himself. The fact that the OP implied that it didn't help his wife's relationship with Brian, means that he is aware that the wife takes her hurt and resentment towards the mother (former OW) and takes it out on the child.

OP, does she express feelings of violence towards the mother or just towards the child? And is this something she is working on in individual therapy or simply takes meds for it?
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Old 2nd August 2017, 5:38 PM   #58
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She has expressed very violent thoughts regarding his mother. That's something that she's worked on in private, with me, and something I had to go privately discuss with the therapist.

My ideal situation would be, my kids love and accept their brother, my wife is able to move passed the affair and also accept my son. Go back to how she was. Brian is known and loved by everyone and is a happy little guy who doesn't even say the word hate because he doesn't have anything to hate.

And me, just being a dad and a lover and a friend and a partner. That's what I want.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 5:54 PM   #59
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I find that startling too. It's like it's all happening to someone else and OP is on the outside looking in, powerless.

How can you betray the most gentle person you know with a 15yo, proceed to havve a child with her that you keep a secret all the while living in the same town? How is that even possible?
Woah, let's stick with her age which was 16 at the time. We live in a big city, and it's growing. We don't mix often.

Why did I have an affair because I was unhappy, not having sex, and had just met the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen. I wasn't thinking about anything else but what I was getting. I have acknowledged that for five years now.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 6:03 PM   #60
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Woah, let's stick with her age which was 16 at the time. We live in a big city, and it's growing. We don't mix often.

Why did I have an affair because I was unhappy, not having sex, and had just met the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen. I wasn't thinking about anything else but what I was getting. I have acknowledged that for five years now.
So she was 16. I'm just confused as to why this situation has been allowed to fester for so long all the while a little boy has been brought to this world. Also, people talk, even in big cities - you'd be surprised.

Look, I can see you are in a delicate situation, mostly of your own doing, but you are in a position to do right by this little boy - isn't he worth all the grief?
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