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Unsure of how to go about caring for my other son


Parenting Discuss tips, concerns, and all the mayhem involved in raising kids.

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Old 2nd August 2017, 2:47 PM   #16
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Yes, you were a cheating cad and it is wrong. I'll go ahead and get that out of the way.

I can kind of see your teenagers acting like, well, teenagers.

But for a mother - any mother - to treat a 5 year old child with contempt turns my stomach.

Brian didn't betray your wife - YOU did. If she can't be a decent human to a five year old, then I think you need to put your son's emotional health first and cut the ties.

Yeah, I get it, betrayal hurts.


This is a CHILD. He cries and says he hates himself. I know exactly where he got that: from YOUR family.

Give up your rights and let him have a chance to be surrounded by people who can be in his presence without loathing him.
I mean, I can't, in good conscience, judge a betrayed spouse on how they feel and how they handle a child produced by an affair.

What I can judge her on is the fact that she should have been honest and told her husband (the OP) that she can't deal with the child. That way he could have come to a different arrangement with the mother and not have the boy spend the first five years of his life in a house where he's despised and rejected. Who knows how much he has already been damaged by the situation.

In my case, the BS was luckily honest and when she found out she initially didn't want to meet my daughter because she was afraid that she might not be able to deal with looking at her. Only after she worked on her feelings in therapy, realized that she doesn't blame my daughter for anything and is able to see her as a separate entity, she met my daughter and she treats her very well.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 2:47 PM   #17
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Oh wow, this poor kiddo. I am sorry, I am trying to hold back but this is going to come off as harsh.

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Originally Posted by Brian's dad View Post
he said "I hate myself " a five year old!!! That scares me. I don't know where he'd learn that.
Where did he learn that?! YOU DAD. He feels the rejection by your family. He knows he is a second class citizen. He knows that your wife, your other kids, your friends, your family, your public imagine ALL come before him, and any love you have for him.

He hates being a bastard child. He hates being rejected. He hates himself because he doesn't have the love of his father that he should have.


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Originally Posted by Brian's dad View Post
For example I see him in public with his mom I am not allowed to acknowledge him. This happened a few weeks ago. I was out to dinner with a large group of our family, some who don't know about Brian, when he appeared in the doorway. He kept waving at me, and I couldn't wave back or go see him. Finally I had to text her to get him away from my view because people we were with were noticing him.
Oh gosh this was so cruel. Rejected by his own father like he didn't exist. This is the sort of stuff that can destroy a person emotionally, not to mention a child. They are observant and smart, he could feel what was going on.

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Originally Posted by Brian's dad View Post
" She was old enough at the time of the affair.
Define "old enough" sounds like she gave birth at 17... was she not 16 when you impregnated her?

HERE is the big problem. YOU have not had to face the consequences of this affair. This child has.

In my opinion he shouldn't have to suffer a dirty little secret. No instead, you should have to bare the consequences of your actions, that includes your friends and community knowing you had an affair and sired a child.

You seem more concerned with protecting your image and hiding what YOU have done, then the damage you are doing to this innocent child.

I agree with others, he shouldn't come to your home, its hostile. Go to him, rent an apartment, something... but do not expose him to the hostile home environment that again YOU created.

This child is suffering due to your choices.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 2:48 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by JuneL View Post
Why didn't authority press charge for statutory rape then?

It sounds like Brian's mommy has a decent support system (financially and socially), so perhaps you should just give up your rights and just meet him outside of your home?
While she does have great, supportive friends, Brian's mom has no family and has been on her own since she was very young.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 2:50 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Brian's dad View Post
While she does have great, supportive friends, Brian's mom has no family and has been on her own since she was very young.
So she's not in a relationship currently? Then I can't see how you could even give up your parental rights, the state won't allow it.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 2:52 PM   #20
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Oh wow, this poor kiddo. I am sorry, I am trying to hold back but this is going to come off as harsh.



Where did he learn that?! YOU DAD. He feels the rejection by your family. He knows he is a second class citizen. He knows that your wife, your other kids, your friends, your family, your public imagine ALL come before him, and any love you have for him.

He hates being a bastard child. He hates being rejected. He hates himself because he doesn't have the love of his father that he should have.




Oh gosh this was so cruel. Rejected by his own father like he didn't exist. This is the sort of stuff that can destroy a person emotionally, not to mention a child. They are observant and smart, he could feel what was going on.



Define "old enough" sounds like she gave birth at 17... was she not 16 when you impregnated her?

HERE is the big problem. YOU have not had to face the consequences of this affair. This child has.

In my opinion he shouldn't have to suffer a dirty little secret. No instead, you should have to bare the consequences of your actions, that includes your friends and community knowing you had an affair and sired a child.

You seem more concerned with protecting your image and hiding what YOU have done, then the damage you are doing to this innocent child.

I agree with others, he shouldn't come to your home, its hostile. Go to him, rent an apartment, something... but do not expose him to the hostile home environment that again YOU created.

This child is suffering due to your choices.
Yes she was about 16. Maybe it wasn't legal, but no one has ever come after me for it. I'm unsure.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 2:53 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by noelle303 View Post
So she's not in a relationship currently? Then I can't see how you could even give up your parental rights, the state won't allow it.
I really haven't looked much into it because I really don't want to. I love Brian.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 2:55 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
Oh wow, this poor kiddo. I am sorry, I am trying to hold back but this is going to come off as harsh.



Where did he learn that?! YOU DAD. He feels the rejection by your family. He knows he is a second class citizen. He knows that your wife, your other kids, your friends, your family, your public imagine ALL come before him, and any love you have for him.

He hates being a bastard child. He hates being rejected. He hates himself because he doesn't have the love of his father that he should have.




Oh gosh this was so cruel. Rejected by his own father like he didn't exist. This is the sort of stuff that can destroy a person emotionally, not to mention a child. They are observant and smart, he could feel what was going on.



Define "old enough" sounds like she gave birth at 17... was she not 16 when you impregnated her?

HERE is the big problem. YOU have not had to face the consequences of this affair. This child has.

In my opinion he shouldn't have to suffer a dirty little secret. No instead, you should have to bare the consequences of your actions, that includes your friends and community knowing you had an affair and sired a child.

You seem more concerned with protecting your image and hiding what YOU have done, then the damage you are doing to this innocent child.

I agree with others, he shouldn't come to your home, its hostile. Go to him, rent an apartment, something... but do not expose him to the hostile home environment that again YOU created.

This child is suffering due to your choices.
The whole restaurant thing wouldn't have happened had she been paying attention to what he was doing. It hurts me that I have to do that to my baby, it really does.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 2:57 PM   #23
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Yes she was about 16. Maybe it wasn't legal, but no one has ever come after me for it. I'm unsure.
This is the least significant part of the story (and honestly, she was the first poor kiddo, no family support? So wonder she was so vulnerable, ended up pregnant by a married man when she was still a child herself).

If you are going to continue to treat this child like a shameful secret, perhaps you should cut contact. He is less important to you than your public imagine (which is a total lie), and experiencing that is extremely damaging
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Old 2nd August 2017, 2:58 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Brian's dad View Post
Yes she was about 16. Maybe it wasn't legal, but no one has ever come after me for it. I'm unsure.
There's probably a part of Brian's mom that doesn't want to have to see you anymore, aside from Brian, because you stole her innocence. You sound so lackadaisical about the whole thing...."I'm unsure." You're unsure if 16 is considered rape in your state?! WTF?
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Old 2nd August 2017, 2:59 PM   #25
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The whole restaurant thing wouldn't have happened had she been paying attention to what he was doing. It hurts me that I have to do that to my baby, it really does.
NO. YOU DON'T! Swallow your pride, and claim this child as your own like any father of integrity would.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:00 PM   #26
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It's impossible to answer that question for you, OP. All you can do is dig deep within your conscience and listen to what it has to say.

This poor little boy is stuck in a dreadful situation, wearing the Scarlet Letter in place of his mother and paying the price of his father's betrayal.

In truth, I don't really understand why you are not firmer with your wife and children to allow him to have his rightful place as part of your family, and I also don't understand how you can say in your OP that other than this little boy, everything in is going well. It's not, and this little boy is the scapegoat.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:00 PM   #27
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The whole restaurant thing wouldn't have happened had she been paying attention to what he was doing. It hurts me that I have to do that to my baby, it really does.
It wouldn't have happened if you TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS!!!

And yes that means consequences! Like your friends knowing what you have done.

This is not her fault, this is not the child's fault, this is YOUR fault. They were suppose to act a certain way to protect YOU from your own consequences!!

So, instead of being a big boy, and taking responsibility, you instead hurt your son. You say it hurts you... but he is the one who hates himself.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:03 PM   #28
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The whole restaurant thing wouldn't have happened had she been paying attention to what he was doing. It hurts me that I have to do that to my baby, it really does.
It's not her job to live her life always thinking about what's going to jeopardize your ''social standing''.

The whole thing wouldn't have happened had you owned up to your mistakes and told your family/friends that you fathered another child. But I guess it's always easier to blame others.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:04 PM   #29
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I really haven't looked much into it because I really don't want to. I love Brian.
Yeah, I knew my math was off. She 'just turned 22' and I left out 9 months pregnancy. So 15 or 16 at conception but we don't know when the affair started.

Look, OP, you came here for advice and if this post is legit, then we want to help. I think that the legalities would most certainly play a role in all of this because Brian is living proof of statutory rape in the US.

Other posters have said that you have allowed this child to take the brunt of your affair from your family and it's spot on. It's easier to have them mistreat Brian than you, right?

My advice would be to step up and put an end to the charade. It is not acceptable for your wife to mistreat/shun Brian and the both of you will need to set an example for your teenage kids. Your wife has decided to stand by you and stay with you after this affair. She can't take half, it has to be all.

Counseling for all the kids and more mc for yourself and wife.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 3:05 PM   #30
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I was out to dinner with a large group of our family, some who don't know about Brian, when he appeared in the doorway. He kept waving at me, and I couldn't wave back or go see him. Finally I had to text her to get him away from my view because people we were with were noticing him. I was so mad at her, but she keeps saying she didn't know I was there. Her story is he was playing with some other kids when he walked over and did that and she had no clue until I told her he was waving at me. I don't know if I believe her though.
You were "so mad at her"?! Wow, just wow. Why would she even agree to such nonsense as to keep your son from you in the public?!
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