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Unsure of how to go about caring for my other son


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Old 17th August 2017, 8:53 PM   #151
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Originally Posted by Brian's dad View Post
My little boy was running to me with his arms out, laughing. I wasn't going to turn him away... I may not be a good dad, or even person, but I do have a heart.
That's not what I suggested at all.

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The poster told you to take Brian away and interact with him in the absence of your toxic family.
Yes, exactly. Simply lead the boy away from the family grouping and talk to him ----> over there. You love Brian. Your family doesn't even like him. It's not good for anyone that you're trying to force them to mingle.

When you're out with your family and receive a phone call, don't you politely excuse yourself to take the call from some feet away or even another room? Same behavior. Brian comes running up, you excuse yourself and lead him away to talk.
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Old 18th August 2017, 12:11 AM   #152
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Originally Posted by MJJean View Post
That's not what I suggested at all.



Yes, exactly. Simply lead the boy away from the family grouping and talk to him ----> over there. You love Brian. Your family doesn't even like him. It's not good for anyone that you're trying to force them to mingle.

When you're out with your family and receive a phone call, don't you politely excuse yourself to take the call from some feet away or even another room? Same behavior. Brian comes running up, you excuse yourself and lead him away to talk.
I'm sorry for misunderstanding. I guess it's because I don't want to live a life where I have to turn him away, or pretend I don't know him, or go to another place to see him. I want to be able to take him out, go to a concert, go buy a guitar, go get pizza and ice cream. Not cower away like I've been doing for the sake of my wife...
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Old 18th August 2017, 6:57 AM   #153
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I'm sorry for misunderstanding. I guess it's because I don't want to live a life where I have to turn him away, or pretend I don't know him, or go to another place to see him. I want to be able to take him out, go to a concert, go buy a guitar, go get pizza and ice cream. Not cower away like I've been doing for the sake of my wife...
OK but every story you tell concerning Brian involves someone being nasty in some way, so what effect do you think that is having on him?
Do you really imagine he doesn't know or sense that?
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Old 18th August 2017, 9:45 AM   #154
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Ya know, I don't really know. My wife I get, but not my mom. I was the adult in the situation, and I didn't act like one, so they should be mad at me.
I would guess your mother is as obsessed with how things "look" as your wife. That would explain it.

I almost always feel great sympathy and pain for a BW. Not this one. I'm sorry, I just don't.

What she has chosen to do to a child is worse than adultery IMO.
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Old 18th August 2017, 9:46 AM   #155
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OK but every story you tell concerning Brian involves someone being nasty in some way, so what effect do you think that is having on him?
Do you really imagine he doesn't know or sense that?
The answer is to either get rid of the child (give the mom full rights) or get rid of the nasty (divorce the wife).
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Old 18th August 2017, 11:04 AM   #156
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Oh, this breaks my heart... This poor little guy.

I can certainly understand why your wife and your children do not like the constant reminder of your indiscretion - it is very disturbing that you would have an affair with a 16/17 year old child. But, your son is innocent. If your wife doesn't understand that... well...

She is behaving badly and she is teaching your children to disrespect/bully/
hate an innocent child. The answer would be pretty clear for me... She and the children should attend marriage/family counselling to try and work through the betrayal and the pain. However, if they are not able to treat an innocent child with the respect and kindness that is deserving of any human being, then I would file for divorce. You must stand up for your child - it's not ok to "avoid the subject" in marriage counselling because your wife gets angry and upset.

It's her choice - be a kind and decent person or the marriage is over. What she is doing is definitely worse than adulatory.

This child deserves to have a childhood filled with love and laughter. He deserves to be treated with love and respect by his siblings and his parents. This breaks my heart.

Last edited by BaileyB; 18th August 2017 at 11:06 AM..
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Old 18th August 2017, 11:15 AM   #157
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OK but it is not just the wife, even the OPs own mother has been nasty and rude to the child's mother in front of the child.
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Old 18th August 2017, 11:38 AM   #158
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I know... It's a hard situation and I feel for you OP, but I think the behavior of these women is totally unacceptable.

How is it that these women think that this kind of behavior will be tolerated? I would respectfully wonder if they do it because they have been allowed to do it without consequence. Is it wrong to say OP, that you have been reluctant to rock the boat and discuss the child or this behavior with your wife and your mother? Have you perhaps enabled this behavior to continue?

Sorry OP, but if they have anger they feel that they need to express, the proper target is the man who caused the betrayal. These women need to find a way to deal with their feelings without damaging a young child.

Again, sorry OP, but I would suggest that you need to have a hard conversation with these women and make it clear to them that although they are welcome to have their feelings, but they are not welcome to take their anger out on an innocent child.

This is a five year old child, a human being. I would hope that as adults, they could rise above and do the right thing - for the child. If your wife can't deal with the betrayal and the result of the betrayal, her better option is divorce. Teaching her children to hate and taking out her anger on a child is simply unacceptable, in my very humble opinion.

Last edited by BaileyB; 18th August 2017 at 11:57 AM..
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Old 19th August 2017, 9:08 AM   #159
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I'm sorry for misunderstanding. I guess it's because I don't want to live a life where I have to turn him away, or pretend I don't know him, or go to another place to see him. I want to be able to take him out, go to a concert, go buy a guitar, go get pizza and ice cream. Not cower away like I've been doing for the sake of my wife...
We can't always get what we want, man. You're hurting your wife, your legitimate kids, Brian, and yourself trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

You can take him to concerts, to get pizza and ice cream, and acknowledge him when he bumps into you randomly in public. You just can't do those things with your family in the immediate vicinity. Again, compartmentalize. Your wife and family in one compartment, Brian in another.

The only other options are to give up contact with Brian altogether or divorce your wife.
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Old 20th August 2017, 8:26 PM   #160
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It's clear your family (wife, kids, parents) don't want anything to do with Brian and his mother. It's also clear your wife doesn't want a divorce. I don't see why you can't simply spend visitation with Brian away from your home and family. Don't take him where he's not wanted. That simple. Don't bring him to the house where your legitimate family live. If he approaches you in public when you're with your family, walk away to speak with him and rejoin the family when you're done. Do what you did during the affair...compartmentalize. Brian in one compartment, your family in another, no need for them to mingle.
This logic is just absolutely disgusting...your child (especially as a little boy) should be a 100% allowed in each of his parents house!!! & should NEVER have to stand back for anyone. It's bigotry!!!! No different than segregation, if it was based on race. Would you give the same advice based on race? & no the logic is not different, judging on anything towards a child that isn't their fault is bigotry in the worst way!

OP, who cares what your wife wants. Who cares what your parents think. Even in the store you're absolutely unable to take control of anything. You needed to tell your mom to stop & say exactly what you typed "I took advantage of a young girl & your putting the blame on her, what's wrong with you"?....own up every time you can bc even though you screwed up, by doing that you will gain your respect back by showing...you own your crap but you're doing things differently, that you're truly changed. You're not changed just bc you quit cheating. Men that cheat usually are cowards, which is why they cheated in the first place. Until you actually take control, you'll always be "the coward that took advantage of a young girl". Show "your the man that made a mistake & not only learned from it but changed your life bc of it". Kids respect people that make their wrongs right...not a father that's a sissy & doesn't take control like a man...a man that can't step up & take control is one of the most undesirable sights there is.
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Old 1st September 2017, 12:15 PM   #161
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Told my wife I want a divorce, and she lost her flipping mind... accusing me of still being with the other girl and all this stuff. Then she attacked me. She broke a mirror and slashed me with it.
I ran out of the house and our neighbor saw me bleeding and called the cops. I've decided to not press any charges and the kids weren't there so she'll probably be okay.

I'm at a hotel, and Brian came to see me. He saw the cuts and was really upset... I just said it was an accident and I would be ok. He decided that he wanted drums instead of a guitar, and so I got him some. He seems to enjoy them.
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Old 1st September 2017, 12:25 PM   #162
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Originally Posted by Brian's dad View Post
Told my wife I want a divorce, and she lost her flipping mind... accusing me of still being with the other girl and all this stuff. Then she attacked me. She broke a mirror and slashed me with it.
I ran out of the house and our neighbor saw me bleeding and called the cops. I've decided to not press any charges and the kids weren't there so she'll probably be okay.

I'm at a hotel, and Brian came to see me. He saw the cuts and was really upset... I just said it was an accident and I would be ok. He decided that he wanted drums instead of a guitar, and so I got him some. He seems to enjoy them.
So how many times are you going to go through this scenario of her attacking you and you not pressing charges? 'Til someone is dead?
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Old 1st September 2017, 1:35 PM   #163
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What does this woman (your wife) have to do in order for you to press charges? Physically hurting you as well as threatening Brian isn't enough?

Stop being a doormat, press charges against her and file for divorce.
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