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So lost...adult daughter left with kids


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Old 21st July 2017, 7:21 PM   #16
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I don't think that there is any excuse for any person uproot their kids without the knowledge or consent of the biological father regardless of the court or non-court ordered situation.

I am sorry you are going through this. s a parent of a younger daughter who has a history too of running off with the wrong men, I can almost be sure she is not in the right mental state and needs to think of her kids.

Perhaps their Bio D can put in a court order that she come back with his kids.

You should reach out to this man or your D to confirm if all is really well.

Let her explain her actions. Big hugs to you!
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Old 26th July 2017, 10:21 AM   #17
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I have been meaning to update, it's been a nightmare. We drove out there on Saturday, 5.5 hours each way. Found the apartment which is a crappy section 8 dump. It was me, kids' dad and his brother (brought him to help drive and just to have another guy with us). Knocked on the door, the 27 year old son opened the door a crack and and I said I was there to see Karen (not her real name). He asked who I was, I said her mother, he said, "yeah that's not happening". I could hear the boys' voices so I yelled their names and said I loved them, he slammed door in my face. I knocked again and the 64 year old answered, I repeated what I said and he said "I don't think so" and shut the door. I called police to come make sure she wasn't being held against her will and to do a welfare check. They said her and boys are fine (that's subjective I know) and nothing we could do without a court order. I left the gifts I had brought on the porch. We were devastated, it is such a horrible situation and my daughter is clearly unwell and not thinking in the best interest of the children. So, we drove home.

Yesterday we met with an attorney who had papers drawn up for "immediate return" of the oldest son. Father does not need to establish paternity since he signed an affidavit at birth. He did not for the 2 year old, so we can't do anything right now, but will work to get him out as well. I just heard from my attorney, the judge signed the order and she should be served on Friday. The order states to return him to our state into the custody of his father immediately. I honestly don't know if she will comply and how long before it is enforced. I know if she doesn't she can be held in contempt and arrested. I HATE doing this to my daughter, but I believe sometimes the end justifies the means. If we can get the kids from her, she may realize that yes she does need help and get it. These last 2 weeks have been a living hell, and I feel like every day she has those kids alienated will hurt them. The father checked the mail yesterday at their apartment where they were living together and there was a confirmation of change of address. So there is proof it isn't just a visit or "vacation" as she said in the note, but that she is planning on living there permanently with the 2 kids with a 64 year old man she JUST met 2 weeks ago. From what we could piece together, they had been talking online for maybe 1-2 months, just insane.
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Old 26th July 2017, 10:23 AM   #18
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Oh andie, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what this must be like. I so hope she comes to her senses
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Old 26th July 2017, 10:31 AM   #19
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Best of luck in getting this worked out, Andie. It's a terrible situation.


Is her dad in the picture? I don't want to overestimate my abilities to make things happen, but sometimes a dad has a way about him. Perhaps it's the vibe of possible bloodshed ...
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Old 26th July 2017, 10:37 AM   #20
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Her father & I divorced when she was young, he has been in and out of her life throughout the years, not much at all recently. So, I don't think he holds much weight right now. I think for now we need to trust the legal system as hard as it is to wait.

My other fear is that she will (or already has) marry this guy. Her judgement is so clouded at the moment and she really believes they are in love, her pinterest board is full of quotes about him being her king and her being his queen. It would not be a surprise for her to make such a rash decision right now.
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Old 26th July 2017, 11:24 AM   #21
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I'm glad you're getting somewhere with the legal system. They must see the risks involved to be moving so quickly on this.

What needs to happen in order for your grandkids' daddy to prove paternity? How long do you expect that to take?

I hope that once her oldest returns home she will realize how serious the situation she's in actually is.

Thinking of you all
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Old 26th July 2017, 8:01 PM   #22
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Andie1969, either there is more to this story you know about or there's something you don't know. Being bipolar isn't quite enough for someone as young as your daughter to fall in love with a man that age. Something led up to this. Either she felt so completely alone with her kids father that the moment any man said a few sweet words to her, she was swept right off of her feet or (and I hate to say this), she had a good reason to run.

You said your daughter is the only "idiot" to fall for this man. I hope you don't say things like that to her. Because if you do, I can see why she stayed behind that apartment door and allowed 2 people to slam it in your face. An old man is telling her things maybe she's never heard before like she's "hot" and "intelligent".

At her age, her self-esteem has to be in the gutter to feel uplifted, appreciated and wanted by a creepy old guy.

Did her kids dad treat her like a door knob? Or worse? Why is her self esteem so low?

At this point in time, being full-throttle against her being with this guy is going to pit you against them (his son included) and you are going to lose. You might not like it but she's not going to want to talk to you until you understand her. Why she did it. Accept whatever she tells you because at the end of the day, it's real enough to her and a good enough reason to react the way she did. Listen and understand. Her self esteem is so low right now and she feels he's the only person who appreciates her for some reason.

In the short time they spoke online, he knew what she wanted to hear and told her all of it. She wanted to hear these things desperately and this has given her that soulmate feeling.

How did she end up so desperate that the things he said sound so important and meaningful?
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Old 26th July 2017, 9:06 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by LuckyLady13 View Post
How did she end up so desperate that the things he said sound so important and meaningful?
She has an untreated mental illness, that's how.

I don't know why you're making light of that.
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Old 26th July 2017, 9:27 PM   #24
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She has an untreated mental illness, that's how.

I don't know why you're making light of that.
Maybe I should explain for those unfamiliar with bipolar? I thought a lot of people these days are familiar with it now because I hear people mention it often and also, there's a wealth of knowledge to be had so easily.

If she were in a manic phase, sure, this old creepy guy could sweep her off of her feet but so could the father of her children. And a 28 year old guy too! Blaming this on her being bipolar is unfair to her. If the depressive phases of the challenges she's dealing with from being bipolar combined with the anxiety have her self-esteem low, it won't stay low. That would mean she should be running back home any minute now. Because she would "wake up" to her error she made during a manic or depressive phase.

Not everything a person does is because they are bipolar.
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Old 26th July 2017, 9:36 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by LuckyLady13 View Post
Maybe I should explain for those unfamiliar with bipolar? I thought a lot of people these days are familiar with it now because I hear people mention it often and also, there's a wealth of knowledge to be had so easily.

If she were in a manic phase, sure, this old creepy guy could sweep her off of her feet but so could the father of her children. And a 28 year old guy too! Blaming this on her being bipolar is unfair to her. If the depressive phases of the challenges she's dealing with from being bipolar combined with the anxiety have her self-esteem low, it won't stay low. That would mean she should be running back home any minute now. Because she would "wake up" to her error she made during a manic or depressive phase.

Not everything a person does is because they are bipolar.
Maybe she met him when she was down, got up from the high and that's why she's acting so erratically. Had she been on meds perhaps her low wouldn't have had her looking for a fix.

I think this mother knows her daughter quite well.
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Old 26th July 2017, 10:19 PM   #26
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That's so hard. Just read your update. Oh no I hope you'l get your grand kids as soon as you can. It's really happening in real life and I am so sorry for.your daughter for having BP and not deciding wisely for her childrrn and her own.
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Old 27th July 2017, 6:46 AM   #27
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No, I would never call my daughter an idiot even when I feel she is acting like one. But yes, her self esteem could very well be an issue. She hadn't been working for a few months thus depending on the kids dad for money and I know she didn't like that. She was to start a new job at a college here next month that she was very excited about, but now she's abandoned that too. She was a collector of facebook "friends", had about 3000 and would frequently post controversial topics just to get people all fired up. In hindsight, we should have all been more proactive before it got to this point, sometimes it's hard to see things when you're so closely involved with the person. I did reach out to her about a month before all this happened because I was concerned about some of her posts, but she fired back at me telling me off, so I had been walking on eggshells around her after that. This guy did build her up, called her Wonder Woman, made her feel she was capable of anything, that he was the king and she his queen.

But anyway, things have taken a turn for the worse. We found out yesterday she married this guy. My smart, beautiful 28 year old daughter married a 64 year old man a week after she first met him. We are devastated because we know this is not what she wants long term and now it will be so much harder for her to untangle herself from this mess. The attorney said that will have no effect on the court order though, this man has no legal rights to the kids. No one wants to take them away for good, but we all believe she needs help and probably won't get it until she loses the kids temporarily. The dad very much wants to work out a shared parenting plan, but that will be difficult when she is almost 6 hours away.
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Old 27th July 2017, 10:49 AM   #28
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Also, she has not only cut off communication with our family and the kids' dad, but even her very best friend who she talked to daily. So, he has isolated her from EVERYONE, I'm sure he feels anyone else would be a threat to their relationship. That in itself can't last very long. But, if she were to be hospitalized, etc., he can now legally make decisions for her, that makes me sick.
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Old 29th July 2017, 9:19 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by andie1969 View Post
Since they never married, there is no custody order in place so by default she has them.
I don't understand this. You don't need to be married to have custody, you just need to be the mother or the father. This sounds like kidnapping to me if the kids already lived in the same home as the father. I think the fathers attorney will be able to do something. And once that old man gets a whiff of all the legal drama coming, I'm sure he will get scared and send her back. He might even send her back before then with her having such little kids.
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