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Am I being unreasonable? anyone?


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Old 3rd July 2017, 8:32 AM   #1
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Am I being unreasonable? anyone?

Hello Everyone 😊

Really hoping you can offer some words of advice.

Myself and my ex wife were together for 14 years, and had three beautiful children together. We separated and divorced 9 years ago, after things weren't working anymore. My wife had an affair with my best friend for almost two years whilst we were together. On the whole we get on well, and we do our best for the kids as separate parents.

In recent years, I've had a couple of new relationships that haven't worked out, and this issue has come up a lot. The issue I'm.referring to is the weekends.

I have my children, every weekend, Friday afternoon to Sunday night. As well as Monday night's more recently as their mum works. No problem at all. I have done ever since we split up 9 years ago. The problem is, when I'm dating someone, we can't meet on weekends or do anything. Not straight away, because myself and my ex have a strict "6 month rule", where we don't introduce a partner to the kids until we've been together for 6 months. And I will always adhere to that.
The thing is, whenever I do try to get a Saturday or Sunday or whatever over the weekend, it turns into this big issue and usually my ex says "you have all week to socialise or whatever" and it ends up being a nightmare.

Please don't get me wrong, I adore my weekends with my children, but it would be nice to be able to do something on the weekends. Particularly as i work weekdays.

Id like to discuss it with my ex and perhaps make another arrangement, but I can see it ending up in another argument, which nobody wants.Oh, and the fact I'm out of work and have been for a while (until recently) always gets thrown up, even though I provide for my kids as much as I can as well as the weekends.

Any suggestions or ideas would be so appreciated!
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Old 3rd July 2017, 8:50 AM   #2
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It's not selfish at all for you to want some time to be an adult on the weekends. Is it impossible for you to have them during the week at all and you guys can switch to a more traditional custody schedule where you split the weeks and do every other weekend?

Your ex is not being very understanding about this. But, she has every weekend kid-free so why would she want to change?

How old are the kiddos?
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Old 3rd July 2017, 8:51 AM   #3
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I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

As I see it, your options are to change the custody arrangement so you don't have the kids every single weekend and perhaps have them during the week instead, or just hire a babysitter for them occasionally on the weekends so you can go out on a date. I don't think having them all weekend means you have to spend every minute of the weekend with them. You are also entitled to a life, provided you make sure they are being properly cared for.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 9:04 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
It's not selfish at all for you to want some time to be an adult on the weekends. Is it impossible for you to have them during the week at all and you guys can switch to a more traditional custody schedule where you split the weeks and do every other weekend?

Your ex is not being very understanding about this. But, she has every weekend kid-free so why would she want to change?

How old are the kiddos?
They are 9, 12 and 13 😊
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Old 3rd July 2017, 9:07 AM   #5
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They are 9, 12 and 13 😊
Is the 13 year old responsible enough to be in charge for a couple of hours if you want to go out while you have them? This doesn't solve the problem of getting into a more long term relationship, I realize .
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Old 3rd July 2017, 9:12 AM   #6
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Is the 13 year old responsible enough to be in charge for a couple of hours if you want to go out while you have them? This doesn't solve the problem of getting into a more long term relationship, I realize .
Possibly. I'm not sure I'd be ok with that. It's just the fact that my ex seems to be utterly inflexible about it and even the kids have repeated her "you've got all week to do what you want to". It's not just about a relationship, it's about me having some time on the weekend too. No one can just not have a social life on the weekend surely?
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Old 3rd July 2017, 9:16 AM   #7
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Does your ex not want to have your kids on some weekends? I would think that she is missing out on some quality time with your children and the opportunity to do some fun things together. I mean, I would assume that during the week the kids go to school, come home and make dinner, do homework, have sports, etc... There is not much time to be together during the week. I think your wife is protecting her "adult alone time" on the weekend more than she is concerned about you. Your custody arrangement is very strange.

My boyfriend has a child and he has his son a few nights every week and every other weekend. We really enjoy our weekends together and it works well for us. I didn't meet his son for the first six months but now, I go over occasionally on the weekend for dinner or to play board games. It's nice.

My friend does a week on, a week off. She has also talked about others who do a rotating 3 day - 4 day split. There are many different things you can do.

I think you need to change your custody agreement.

Last edited by BaileyB; 3rd July 2017 at 9:19 AM..
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Old 3rd July 2017, 9:26 AM   #8
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Possibly. I'm not sure I'd be ok with that. It's just the fact that my ex seems to be utterly inflexible about it and even the kids have repeated her "you've got all week to do what you want to". It's not just about a relationship, it's about me having some time on the weekend too. No one can just not have a social life on the weekend surely?
Completely agree with you 100%. She is being unreasonable.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 9:32 AM   #9
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Why would you agree on such a schedule to begin with?
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Old 3rd July 2017, 10:20 AM   #10
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Why would you agree on such a schedule to begin with?
Because I wanted to see my kids as much as humanly possible after the break up.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 11:22 AM   #11
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Your kids are older now... Although they will still want to be with you, they are soon to be busy with their own lives - friends, jobs.

You also need to have your own life. And to do this, you need some time. Asking for some time to yourself in the weekends is not unreasonable.

It's time to renegotiate the custody arrangement.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 11:26 AM   #12
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OP, you haven't answered questions about whether it's feasible for you to have the kids more during the week and move to an alternating weekends schedule.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 11:30 AM   #13
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OP, you haven't answered questions about whether it's feasible for you to have the kids more during the week and move to an alternating weekends schedule.
My apologies. Weeknights yes, absolutely. I Work a 9-5 weekday job but after that yes definitely.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 11:32 AM   #14
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My apologies. Weeknights yes, absolutely. I Work a 9-5 weekday job but after that yes definitely.
Then this is what you should do. My ex and I have 50/50 custody and our schedule is this: I have them very Monday and Tuesday nights, and has them every Wednesday and Thursday nights. We alternate weekends. So, I got my kids "back" on Friday, and I'll have them through Wednesday. Then he will have them Wednesday night through the following Monday.

What do your kids do during the summer as far as childcare goes?
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Old 3rd July 2017, 12:19 PM   #15
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Because I wanted to see my kids as much as humanly possible after the break up.
But you can see them after work in the evenings. This schedule is also extremely unfair to the women you're dating. I'm not sure if you and your ex wife have an amicable relationship. Your ex probably won't be happy if she knows she has to watch the kids for you so that you can go out dating other women (not saying she's right). You should really get the schedule modified officially.
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