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Feeling lonely with Parenting & Relationship


Parenting Discuss tips, concerns, and all the mayhem involved in raising kids.

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Old 5th June 2017, 3:03 PM   #16
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You're wanting to blame everyone else for your problems. Rather than be whiny and, yes, selfish, work on solutions to what you want to do. You've been given good advice, but you dont want it. The bottom line for you is that you think your boyfriend should work his butt off all week long and then cater to you on the weekends. You know what? If you might cater to him a little bit, he might be there for you. If he's having to deal with the attitude we see here, he's a saint.

And you better be careful. He might find someone who would appreciate him and greet him with a smile instead of misery.

Be careful what you wish for.
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Old 5th June 2017, 3:09 PM   #17
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By being so defensive I think you are missing the points people are trying to make.

From my posts, my point is that regardless of what you decide to do with your fiancee, your life has to revolve around more than just your husband and kids. Of course you are lonely, you don't do anything with anyone but your kids all week long. You need to fix that. If you live in a county where you are miles away from everything, and you are only going to have one car, that the whole family can't go in, then you are never going to get out of the house..

If your husband refuses to change anything and he has full control of the money, then you can leave, but that isn't going to fix the fact that you are going to have to move, you're going to have to figure out how to get your own money, and you're going to have to figure out how to transport yourself and your children. I'm just suggesting you figure out that part of things first, and then deal with your relationship.
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Old 5th June 2017, 3:12 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
You can still make something of yourself by going to school online. You said in your previous post that you wanted to go out with friends so I thought you had some. Why does no one show up at your functions? IMHO, being a mom is the most important job in the world. I can't believe you would rather your husband be at home more and you guys be broke. He isn't just working for you but his kids as well. I'm sorry to say this but you sound selfish. Surely you knew having your babies you would have to devote mostly all of your time to them. Maybe when they go off to school in a few short years you can work outside of the home.

I sound selfish because I want to go to school & work? I'm so tired of hearing that. I've heard that from him & his mom. (& his mom would always tells me how she was in my position years ago & wanted to continue to do things for herself)
Like I said before my kids are my everything, I do everything for them everyday day in & day out with NO HELP. I will NOT apologize for wanting to be able to do more with myself. I don't see how I'm wrong in this because I wanna be able to work. Or just maybe a little affection or a break so me & my fiancé can do something. I'm selfish because I want to do something more than sit in the house lol okay. I so wish you knew me because your selfish opinion would change real fast.
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Old 5th June 2017, 3:34 PM   #19
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Who will take care of your kids if you work? Why not go to school online?
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Old 5th June 2017, 4:45 PM   #20
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I sound selfish because I want to go to school & work? I'm so tired of hearing that. I've heard that from him & his mom. (& his mom would always tells me how she was in my position years ago & wanted to continue to do things for herself)
Like I said before my kids are my everything, I do everything for them everyday day in & day out with NO HELP. I will NOT apologize for wanting to be able to do more with myself. I don't see how I'm wrong in this because I wanna be able to work. Or just maybe a little affection or a break so me & my fiancé can do something. I'm selfish because I want to do something more than sit in the house lol okay. I so wish you knew me because your selfish opinion would change real fast.
You're not selfish, I understand what you're saying and I emphatize. We're just trying to explain to you that it's a bit unrealistic.

Look, I could never be a stay at home mom, I have a job that I love and work hard at and I busted my butt to get a degree and get where I am. So I get it. I get that you're bored, I get that you're depressed and that you want more.

But, listen to what you're saying. You don't want to leave the kids in a daycare, but you want to work and go to school and you have no family to watch them while you do it. Who's going to take care of them?
My daughter started daycare when she was 6 months. There was no other option. I also had no family, I was going to school, I had work and I had to make that choice. And that's going to be your reality if you leave your fiance.
And it's going to have to be a good job if you plan on paying for rent, utilities, car, gas AND daycare.

My advice: talk to your fiance, see if you can get an apartment somewhere closer to the city or suburbs and try online schooling.
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Old 5th June 2017, 7:15 PM   #21
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How, exactly, are you planning to work full time and/ or go to school if you have no one to watch your toddlers and won't leave them in daycare?

Not to mention daycare is expensive. Here the average is $175 per week per kid.

Your best bet is online classes until your littles are in school full time. Without anyone to watch them and your husband working the equivalent of 2 jobs in terms of total hours per week you are short options.
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Old 5th June 2017, 9:21 PM   #22
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small steps....

take care of 1 extra kid per week, $175 X 4 = $700, more than enough for a car payment, gas and insurance, and some money to take the kids to McDonalds, rather than work there.

take care of 3 and you've got a CNA wage
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Old 5th June 2017, 11:29 PM   #23
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Were your children planned?
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Old 6th June 2017, 8:00 PM   #24
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Your post reminds me of my brother's girlfriend that is complaining about the same things.

When you have kids, they're your responsibility & yours alone. If you had kids with no support system that is tough & tiring but it is what it is.

School, going out, a babysitter all costs money. If you have extra money why can't you find a sitter? Why can't you plan something? You want him to come home from work & do your work also...& when he's home & you really do need a break here & there, why can't you just take one? Nothing is stopping you from leaving for a couple hours.

In life, real happiness doesn't come from "if this just was different I'd be happy"...happiness is a mind set mixed in with being able to adapt to life & problem solve. It's no one but your own fault you don't have friends. I'm. It trying to be mean but just honest. If you go blaming your misery on your situation & or everyone around you...you'll never learn to put your effort & focus on problem solving for yourself & continue to be miserable bc you're just sitting there pointing the finger.

You want things like school, friends & date night...you actually have to put in effort, they don't " just happen". Good luck
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Old 8th June 2017, 12:34 PM   #25
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I understand you aren't getting the responses you want from the people here, but you have to realize the limitations you've placed on yourself that make it impossible for anyone to help you. That being said, I really sympathize with you and I think people here are being pretty harsh on you considering that your husband is clearly making some huge mistakes. He should have listened to you about the car, and you should have some access to finances because you are the one doing the work at home so that he can make the money he makes. That means you are entitled to the money as well. But your husband isn't the one posting here so I'm going to start with your specific issues.

You say you want to do things outside of the house, take the kids places, but you don't have a car to fit them. There is NO solution here other than to get another car. Literally no other solution. You know this, you don't need us to tell you this. It's absolutely ridiculous to not have a car that fits the family when you live in the country. How can you go anywhere, visit relatives, go on family outings, with no car? It just makes no sense.

You say you want to go to school and make something of yourself but you don't want to send the kids to daycare because you don't want a stranger raising your kids. Well...okay then. No one can help you. I'm currently in graduate school and guess what, my kid goes to daycare while I'm in class because I don't have family near me to help. That's what you have to do if you want to go to school.

You want to go out with your friends. But you don't have any friends. This is probably because you can't nurture relationships with people when you never leave your house. And you never leave your house because you don't have a car that will fit your family. So that kind of goes back to the car situation. You'd also make friends if you went to school, but you can't do that because you won't put your kids in daycare. So you're kind of at a dead end here of your own making.

You want to go on date nights with your husband, but your husband doesn't want to go on them with you. You watch TV in separate rooms, he buys a truck that's inappropriate for the family, and you never talk or cuddle. The state of the relationship is bad, and it's both of your doing. What happens if you turn your TV off and walk into the room where he is and suggest to watch something together? What happens if you sit on the couch next to him and cuddle while watching TV? What happens if you approach him for anything?

It seems like you need relationship counseling, bad. We only have your side of the story here but I bet your husband has equally valid criticisms of you. You turn him down for sex, you've let yourself go physically, you're not happy with the life he provides despite him working insane hours to provide for you. Now, I know you have reasons for why you're acting the way you are, but you have to see things from his perspective. BOTH of you are doing all the wrong things here, and that's why your life sucks. Marriage is about putting in the work to make the other person happy, and hoping they do the same for you. But sometimes you have to put in the work even when the other person isn't, and in the future the tables will be turned. I think of you work on your end a lot, it will probably make your husband want to work on his end.

Have sex with him even when you don't want to. Show him affection even when you feel like he's ignoring you. Be nice to him and show him appreciation even when you feel like he's not doing the same for you. You can't keep this up *forever*, but you should try it for a while and see if you get any sort of reciprocation from him. If you don't, then try counseling and see if that helps. Or divorce. Up to you.
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Old 8th June 2017, 9:28 PM   #26
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  1. Tell your husband that you need to buy a minivan, an SUV or a pick up truck with a king cab. My husband and I are childfree and we don't even have a two seater. Two seaters are impractical.
  2. Take the children for long walks to get out of the house and clear your head.
  3. Do not ask for advice if you don't want to hear the truth.
  4. Be more appreciative of your husband. Men need respect and appreciation. You are not providing any of those emotional needs for him.
  5. Realize that motherhood comes with sacrifices. You decided to bring two kids into the world and now you have to put them first.
  6. There is too much "I want I want I want..." in your posts. You are a mother and wife. Try to focus on the needs and wants of your partner and your children!
  7. If you think your life is hard now, raising two children on your own will be 5,000 times more difficult. Count your blessings.
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Old 9th June 2017, 12:33 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by Lynn2010 View Post
So lately I haven't had anyone to talk to, I haven't posted on this forum since last year but my life has gotten a little crazy since then. My last post my fiancé didn't have a job & we were staying with family & he wasn't really helping out with our kid while I was pregnant. Well since then he's got a great job that has him working everyday 14+ hours, & we have our own place & we have 1 vehicle. That vehicle is 2 seater single cab truck (so the kiddos don't ride in it). Anyways, I'm just gonna get to the point, I'm super unhappy & have been for a while. My fiancé & I have been together for 4 1/2 years & we now have 2 children together. Since he's got this job he's been working crazy amount of hours, he leave before the kids wake up & most days don't get home until they are in bed. (I try to keep them awake for him but at that point I'm exhausted & want my own time). When he's home he doesn't do much with the boys at all, his off days mostly consist of him relaxing all day, taking naps & watching tv, while I still cook/clean & take care of the kids. I am a stay at home mom, I had a job at McDonald's but I was working the night shift & only did that for 5 months, now I stay back at home with the kids because his job interfered with mine & I had to quit. (I use to work as a CNA but had to quit that after our first son, & had to turn down a lot of jobs because no one is able to watch the kids) I get no help from his parents or mine, I don't have any friends at all, I don't have a vehicle to take me or the kids out & I just feel like he doesn't care that I don't get a break. He gets to work, he gets money, he gets out of the house & gets to relax when he's home. I'm honestly physically & mentally drained, like we use to fight a lot & now I just don't even care about fighting or anything.. when he brings something up or tries to fight I ignore him or go outside because like I said I'm exhausted I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I have let myself go, I use to be super skinny but since having 2 kids & being depressed & sitting at home day in & day out I just don't care. I just feel like my life is completely on hold, I've brought it up to him, have been for a year now & all he says is "it will get better" "it won't be like this forever" "blah blah blah blah blah". Like we literally don't do anything, I said before when he's off he relaxes around the house while I do all the work, & then when he works I still do all the work because I'm the only one home. I want to go to school, I want to go out with friends, I want to go out on dates with him, I want to be able to go to work, & out for the day & take my kids out, they stay cooped up in the house with me because we don't have a vehicle to take them anywhere! We have his work truck & I told him not to buy it because we've put so much money into it, I put basically every paycheck I got from McDonald's into it & barely drove it! I feel like he wants nothing to do with me unless it's sex. We don't cuddle on the couch & watch TV, we don't hold hands or just love on each other. We were in different rooms today & he just comes in sits next to me & starts grabbing on me & trying to play with me, obviously I'm not in the mood. Like he hasn't said barely anything to me all day & then wants to come in & grope on me, like really? So I was just like "I'm not on the mood" & he went back in the bedroom to watch tv.... :/ Like I'm really starting to resent him & ive told him that before, as mean as it sounds because I feel like he doesn't care. He gets to move on in his career & have money, I stay at home, I don't get an allowance lol as stupid as that sounds, I get nothing, literally nothing. I love my children & would never regret them but I really wish I had more help, I didn't expect my life to be like this when we BOTH AGREED TO HAVE KIDS, not just me. I guess the advice I'm trying to ask is what would someone do in my situation? Like I want to leave & maybe be a single mom, like I already feel like a single mother & I would be better & happier at it because I would get out & to work & to do things for myself & be able to provide for my kids. I'm just so lost... since being a mom I've lost myself & im so insecure & scared all the time & just depressed.
I haven't read the whole thread but I just want to say that the above bolded doesn't make any sense at all. You want to leave because then you can work and do things for yourself and be able to provide for your kids? But before that you said you can't work because you don't have any childcare and you don't have any family or friends to help you? So do you think that by leaving that family, friends and free child care are just going to drop in your lap from the sky? If you see it as possible for you to leave and get a job and take care of yourself by then why can't you do that now? without leaving?

I was a single parent to 2 children. I had to work full time, made lousy money and my kids suffered. It's no freaking picnic being a single parent and it's hardest on the kids. I understand fully how tough it is to be alone with children so I get why you are unhappy and stressed but to be fair it doesn't sound like life is a picnic for your husband either. All he does is work ungodly hours to support his family. Working 14 hours a day is also hell. Apparently you two decided to have children without being financially prepared to do so and now this is the price you pay. The kids have to come first. As your husband says, it won't be this way forever. They don't stay little forever, as they get older you will get more independence and when you are able to return to work then maybe your husband can work less and take a more active role in the house but for now this is the way things have to be for the well being of your children. I'm sorry but it sounds like you're just going to have to deal with it for a few years.
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Old 9th June 2017, 1:07 AM   #28
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Back in 2014 when we had our first son, we did have jobs both of us & they were both good for our family & then some things happened. I don't expect a lot of people to understand losing things & bad **** happening because it seems like everyones got a perfect little life on here & cant be unhappy..
I have been thinking about being on my own because it basically feels like I am. Like I said in my previous post I take care of the kids all day long, the house, animals & everything. We don't do anything as a couple, we barely talk to each other, we watch tv in different rooms.. I'm LONELY.
The whole sex comment was a complete joke lol why would I want to have sex after dealing with all the bs with the kids & house all day, barely talked to or spent time with, & then wanna be groped on & going back to watching TV in different rooms lol MAYBE if he wanted to spend time with his children & wife AND/OR help out with the kids I wouldn't mind giving him a bj or doing all the work in sex, but when you're home all day, don't get to do anything at all & then are completely ignored when they're home Im sorry NOT sorry sex isn't on my mind or the first thing I wanna do to you. & maybe also if I was appreciated for the things I do at home MAYBE sex would be on my mind....

I understand I'm a mother but it makes me so frustrated that people nowadays think that's all that I am or can be. I'm allowed to go to school, & work. I love my children & I love being able to stay home & care for them. I gave up everything for my children & husband so he could have the career HE WANTS. & everytime I try to find a baby sitter for the boys or a family member to watch them, his whole family is always busy & my mom is very sick so it's hard for her to keep up with a 2 & 1 year old. Or he just doesn't want to go out & do this or that.. I've planned dates before & he just doesn't wanna go on them.. & (I don't like daycare because I don't want a stranger taking care of my kids, I've seen videos & I would kill someone if anything bad happened to my kids) I don't think I'm a terrible person for wanting to get out & be able to do things with my own life. So just because I'm a mom I'm not able to better myself? I'm not able to go to school? I'm not able to work? I knew asking for advice was a waste of time.. everyone just tells me the same thing.. "you're a mom" I know I'm a mom & my kids are taken care of & loved every min of every day, it just shocks me that when someone wants to do something more they get put down. I love my fiancé I'm just having some resentment issues because I feel like he's fine with things because he's bettering himself & doing what he wants while I sit at home & take care of OUR kids all day,,,,

Have a great day.
Leaving isn't a mature well thought out solution because it doesn't solve any of your complaints. It doesn't solve the child care issue, or the no vehicle issue, or money issues. You need to make an intelligent plan. Talk to your husband about setting aside money to get a cheap vehicle or about moving closer to town so that you can at least be in walking distance to parks and amenities. Look into finding things you can do while you are at home to upgrade your skills or make extra money. You could take courses online or if money is the most pressing issue you could consider looking for job that allows you to work from home or perhaps provide childcare services yourself to one or two kids then use the money you make to get yourself a vehicle and insurance. That's just a few ideas but I'm sure there are many more. Just complaining and getting mad at everyone here does nothing to actually help you.

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Old 9th June 2017, 2:18 AM   #29
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IMHO yeah they are sacrifices but you have children. While some other couples wish they could have children but are dealing with infertility.

I think this is a situation Many people have or have gotten through. I was lucky to have my mom look after me most of the time. I think the most painful part was wishing I had my father to interact and play with (he worked long hours too).
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Old 11th June 2017, 12:09 AM   #30
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I understand you aren't getting the responses you want from the people here, but you have to realize the limitations you've placed on yourself that make it impossible for anyone to help you. That being said, I really sympathize with you and I think people here are being pretty harsh on you considering that your husband is clearly making some huge mistakes. He should have listened to you about the car, and you should have some access to finances because you are the one doing the work at home so that he can make the money he makes. That means you are entitled to the money as well. But your husband isn't the one posting here so I'm going to start with your specific issues.

You say you want to do things outside of the house, take the kids places, but you don't have a car to fit them. There is NO solution here other than to get another car. Literally no other solution. You know this, you don't need us to tell you this. It's absolutely ridiculous to not have a car that fits the family when you live in the country. How can you go anywhere, visit relatives, go on family outings, with no car? It just makes no sense.

You say you want to go to school and make something of yourself but you don't want to send the kids to daycare because you don't want a stranger raising your kids. Well...okay then. No one can help you. I'm currently in graduate school and guess what, my kid goes to daycare while I'm in class because I don't have family near me to help. That's what you have to do if you want to go to school.

You want to go out with your friends. But you don't have any friends. This is probably because you can't nurture relationships with people when you never leave your house. And you never leave your house because you don't have a car that will fit your family. So that kind of goes back to the car situation. You'd also make friends if you went to school, but you can't do that because you won't put your kids in daycare. So you're kind of at a dead end here of your own making.

You want to go on date nights with your husband, but your husband doesn't want to go on them with you. You watch TV in separate rooms, he buys a truck that's inappropriate for the family, and you never talk or cuddle. The state of the relationship is bad, and it's both of your doing. What happens if you turn your TV off and walk into the room where he is and suggest to watch something together? What happens if you sit on the couch next to him and cuddle while watching TV? What happens if you approach him for anything?

It seems like you need relationship counseling, bad. We only have your side of the story here but I bet your husband has equally valid criticisms of you. You turn him down for sex, you've let yourself go physically, you're not happy with the life he provides despite him working insane hours to provide for you. Now, I know you have reasons for why you're acting the way you are, but you have to see things from his perspective. BOTH of you are doing all the wrong things here, and that's why your life sucks. Marriage is about putting in the work to make the other person happy, and hoping they do the same for you. But sometimes you have to put in the work even when the other person isn't, and in the future the tables will be turned. I think of you work on your end a lot, it will probably make your husband want to work on his end.

Have sex with him even when you don't want to. Show him affection even when you feel like he's ignoring you. Be nice to him and show him appreciation even when you feel like he's not doing the same for you. You can't keep this up *forever*, but you should try it for a while and see if you get any sort of reciprocation from him. If you don't, then try counseling and see if that helps. Or divorce. Up to you.
Extraordinarily well said, Gemma. There's literally nothing I could say to expand any further on all of the wonderful points you've made, and how well you have articulated them.
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