Co parenting

[ericlongely]

Ex wife is a Narcissist. We have two children. 4 and 6 years old. 50/50 custody. Joint Legal.

 

They are old enough to begin understanding mommy does things but I think it's still very confusing for them.

Anyone have advice on Co-parenting with someone with NPD?

[preraph]

You may need court-ordered joint parenting classes to get on the same page about the children. Nothing worse then pulling them two ways and constant conflict. Talk to the attorney about it.

[Mr. Lucky]

As always when dealing with an errant ex-spouse, document everything.

 

No telling what might become important down the road...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ericlongely]

Please no disrespect at all but have either one of you actually personally dealt with NPD before? I ask because if you haven't before, they don't think like you and me, healthy people.

 

Parenting classes will not work.

 

Everything I can get's documented as suggested however PROVING it is a whole different problem.

[Gemma1]

Be nice to the people trying to help you, man.

[Mr. Lucky]

Please no disrespect at all but have either one of you actually personally dealt with NPD before? I ask because if you haven't before, they don't think like you and me, healthy people.

 

Everything I can get's documented as suggested however PROVING it is a whole different problem.

 

Not every day I get dissed by someone while they simultaneously agree with me .

 

My friend, I get it, you're under a lot of pressure. Had a friend in a similarly difficult situation wire his front porch for audio and video surveillance as that's where the hand-off was when his ex-wife brought the kids over. He actually ended up with some useful stuff when he eventually had to go back to court.

 

Hope things work out for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ericlongely]

I appreciate it the advice. I really do. In my circle of people they just don't understand. I've had three lawyers and none understood either. They just see it as a person being a pain in the ass. Which is true but it seems the only people who truly understand are those who have had first hand experiance.

The level of crazy is just....astounding. It's not really like the mom does anything particularly incriminating but more like a pattern of behaviors. On the surface and on paper most things are just patterns of "matters of opinions" but when you put everything together and begin following along theres is a clear pattern of very manipulative actions. It's kinda hard to explain without filling up the board space. For a quick example, the mother tells little white lies to the school, her freinds, family, etc. Each time just one or two things change that lead a person to think something to suit her needs. Things seem to be on slippery slop where if you ignore something eventually it's intolerable.

 

Make any sense?

[Chilli]

You could try using humor and having little chuckles about their mums funny ways with the kids but not running her down. And loving them as much as you can to help compensate.and always remind them that you both still love them very much.

 

My ex wife went through mlc and she was as mad as a meat axe for 3 r 4yrs, l know this is different but l'm just saying.

D would say oh god , mum did this or mum does that, or she's been off her nut all wk and we'd have little innocent chuckles about things and it really helped.

D could still love her mum but she could also have me to help her not take mums new ways too seriously . She had plenty of good days too and she was still mostly being a good mum. just a but of a crazy one.

l even just very lightly explained the mlc thing to my d one day and used a bit of humor with it.

And d goes , so what , you think she's in menopause - huhhhh, 13yrs old , knew more about it than l did, bloody funny really.

Edited May 28, 2017 by Chilli

[jnel921]

Ericlongely,

 

I understand your pain as my exH is a narcissist as well. Our M ended back in 1997 after 6 years of marriage. We had a 1 year old son and I was pregnant with our daughter. He was having affairs and denying them and still does to this very day. He is a pathological liar and all of his actions had ulterior motives. He told everyone lies to get his way or some kind of sympathy. When he left i was in $35K in debt and he denied any of it was his. He convinced my dad to sell him furniture when he got his own apt after i kicked him out of ours and then never paid him! But if you ask him today about it he would say it never happened! He totally lacks insight and has no remorse for anything he has ever done nor does he hold himself accountable. He was truly a wolf in sheep's clothing and still is.

 

I had primary custody of our kids and honestly led a separate life and tried to keep as little contact with him as possible. I didn't really talk about my X to the kids until they were older when he started talking to them about me and it just sounded off to them. He still tells them many lies about me and my current H. You don't have to explain her behaviors to them because they will figure it out as they get older. Mine did.

 

Unfortunately my daughter now 19 has mental issues as well and she exhibits the same narcissistic traits as her dad and has teamed up with my Ex to try and cause me some legal pain. But in a court of law their stories wont stick or fly. So they are the least of my worries.

 

Your kids are way too young now to understand what bothers you about what your ex W does, Now if its something that directly hurts or affects them then take her to court and take them away for their own safety.

 

Narcissists live in their own world and are very selfish and believe their own lies. Unless she gets professional help nothing will change. You know your own truth so stick with that and live it. Continue to love on your kids and for now the best thing you can do for your kids is to show them that you have some type of respect for their mom until she shows her a$$. She will eventually.

 

Good Luck

Edited May 28, 2017 by jnel921

[jnel921]

Be nice to the people trying to help you, man.

 

Gemma1... I get it. He did say that he didn't mean any disrespect in his post... I have dealt with an exH who has had the same mental health issue for 28 years and its not easy to communicate or deal with someone like that especially when you share kids.

[ericlongely]

I really didn't mean any disrespect or unkindness to anyone at all. I'm sorry if it came across that way. For those who haven't directly delt with someone with NPD it just something very hard to understand. It takes a very very long explanation and even then it just comes across as Ex bashing and complaining. Even the text book definition doesn't really explain it well. My therapist one said

 

"of course know one else understands. They never will unless that spend the same amount of time with the Ex wife you did. It's the pattern of lies, manipulations, opinions forming, hypocrisy and charisma only those who spend good amounts of time with her will see. If and when they see the light. Communication of any kind isn't possible with someone who's refusing to do so. I know this because I too was married to a narcissist and it's the driving force as to why I became a talk therapist "

 

That hit me hard because I felt that even before she said it. I just didn't know I felt it at that time.

 

Example 1....

She has signed up the kids for summer school for the oldest and a special school for gifted children for the youngest. Both are considered gifted by he way and the oldest is attending other classes specific to this. It just so happens to be over the vacation I planned. I notified her by certified mail and text message several months ago. We haven't talked about this at all even though I have tried several times. If I follow through with my plans, I look like the bad guy shes tells most everyone I am. IF...she does eventually tell me it'll probably be the same day or the day after they start the summer programs. I'll most likely get a text message from her asking why the kids aren't in school or something to the effect. She has already told the school faculty that she has a restraining order against me and that I shouldn't even be there at all but she's allowing it because she has to force me into being a dad because I'm not a willing participant otherwise.

No doubt the ex's plan is for me not to take them so can tell others I'm a poor dad who won't even bother taking them too school. A special school for higher education at that.

The restraining order isn't true, the good dad part isn't true, and clearly she is trying to set me up and make it look like I am though . To anyone who doesn't know me or bothers to follow up and fact check will think that it is indeed true and she will look like the single super mom she claims to be. Classic NPD manipulation.

 

Example 2....

She has also changed day cares recently and didn't tell me about it. I found out when I went to pick them up after work and they weren't there that day. I texted and called her several times wondering what was going on but no response or call backs were given. I ended up calling every daycare in the immediate area I could find in the phone book and asked if my kids were attending there and if so I was bringing court papers with me showing I was indeed the custodial parent. When I arrived at said daycare, I asked for the sign up papers and noticed the father part was marked N/A for not applicable. I scratched that out and filled it in proper leaving contact info and everything else they needed. Two weeks later she moved them back to the original daycare claiming she didn't like the way the kids were acting out and so one of the employees may have been mistreating the kids. In a conversation with the original daycare director they weren't even made aware there was a change but instead they were told we were on vacation by the Ex mother in law. All of us, like as a family trying to patch things up and save the marriage for the sake of of the children.

So here she is lying to her own mother, lying to the daycare, omitting important info to me the father. I presume to make it look like she is a good person by saving the marriage and taking the high road in the best interest of the children.

The marriage was final a year ago. The one I filed for 3 years ago after discovering 5 simultaneous affairs on her part.

 

These are just two examples. There are lots and lots more. Both are set up to make me fail or at least make me look like a physically and verbally abusive father she wants me to be while she gets the attention for being a super mom because she has to deal with this type of thing all the time and how frustrating it must be for her to live her life like that. It's classic and predictable NPD to any one who has delt with NPD before. To the laymen, its looks like we have "communication problems" pretty common to divorced couples.

 

I was hoping to reach out and find others who have NPD problems or advice for the daily struggles dealing with NPD EX's. There's no support groups or anything around here locally so I though perhaps someone else would have advice or at least have delt with this kind of stuff.