I Have a Voice

[Quiet Storms]

I'm posting this because I don't want anyone else to ever - EVER - go through what I went through with my 16 year old daughter. She almost was successful in committing suicide. She is currently my avatar.

 

She sent me this tonight - please listen. If this can help even one parent and one child then this post is worthwhile. This song will make your day. It's called "I Have a Voice", sung by Broadway Kids Against Bullying.

 

 

I am a single mom to my daughter, who came out as bisexual last year. I had no problem with it, and her girlfriend was an absolutely wonderful person. They have since broken up but are still close.

 

Unfortunately, we live in the southern US where the LGBT community is not accepted, and she was severely bullied at her school. We are now putting together a program to go to high schools and talk about these issues.

 

I thought so many things were important before this. I thought I had people in my life who would be supportive. The ones I truly thought I loved were the ones that never said a word - specifically, the "man" in my life. Now I know who my true people are.

 

Please, please... even if you think you are paying attention to your kids, pay MORE attention. It's never enough. Whatever the issue that they may be dealing with, it's life or death for them at the time. Please don't let it be death, like I almost did.

 

Bullying by their peers feels to them like NO ONE is there. Please be there.

 

This is adios for me. Thank you.

[d0nnivain]

Your daughter is a lucky girl that she has you for a mom. Hopefully you can help her find accepting supportive people even in a narrow minded place.

[Haydn]

I wish you and your daughter all the best. (Great Mum)

[NTV]

Are you able to move?

[Quiet Storms]

Are you able to move?

 

Yes, actually, and we have been talking about it. Probably to SoCal. We will spend time there this summer, looking for a house and good school district.

 

I have very close friends (more like family really) there, people I met when I lived there during high school. Other than that I don't know a soul in the LA area. But she and I are both good at meeting people.

 

I pray she will be okay. Thanks to all for reading ~

[preraph]

I'm so sorry your daughter and you are going through this. I was an early supporter of gays back in the 1970s and saw what they went through struggling with trying to find themselves, first, and then with bullying and derision.

 

I made friends with a high school kid when I was working in a record store and he became like a brother to me until his death when he was in his 40s. He didn't want to go to school because of the bullying and so I tried to help him out by sometimes picking him up on my motorcycle and taking him home from school. But his biggest problem was that his dad was violently opposed to how he was and would beat him up.

 

Just figuring out your sexuality is hard and many don't fully accept who they are until they're past their teen years and are just confused and unhappy. Throw in bullying on top of it and it's just a downward spiral. But I will tell you that the one thing that affected my friend the most was his father's violent disapproval and the one thing that helped him was his mother's acceptance, and mine, and his brother's, and his best friend's.

 

My friend was the funniest person I ever knew, and his humor carried him through the obstacles, but it was still hard for him. When he dropped out of high school, he had a small circle of friends and family. Then I moved away but remained close and didn't fully realize how far he'd come once he moved out on his own. I knew he had quite a few friends, but when I was asked to speak at his funeral, I was just amazed at the number of people filling this large church. Between the time I'd moved and to when he was in his 40s, he had found wide acceptance and those pews were filled with just about everyone he'd ever worked with and hundreds of friends. Even his dad seemed to have accepted him by then.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Your daughter simply needs to move as soon as she can to a more accepting environment, which exist in most medium and larger sized cities today in abundance. When she goes to college, send her to someplace urban and not a real conservative place.

 

Meanwhile your support is golden to her. Most of my friends just didn't have parental support like that. It means everything.

 

My one suggestion is to encourage her to do something that will build back up her self-esteem being torn down by the bullying. With my friend, he had a flare for the dramatic, so I paid for him to take an acting type class, where I knew he'd fit in and be appreciated. So if there's something she has a leaning toward that would also be an accepting environment and at which you believe she'd excel, put her in that (preferably away from her school) to let her find something to feel good about herself.

Edited May 12, 2017 by preraph

[Quiet Storms]

Wow, preraph. Thanks for sharing that story. It's both happy and sad. I can't imagine what he went through.

 

Have you ever seen the movie 'American Beauty'? Reading your post, I was reminded in a way of that movie.

 

I'm sure that your friendship helped him a great deal. That kind of support, even from one or two people, can make all the difference.

 

Right after my daughter came out, I got a call from one of my neighbors. Her child was a long-term friend of my daughter. She asked me if she could take my daughter to a conversion therapy camp! Then she even offered to pay for it (as if money was the issue!). I was speechless (which was a good thing; otherwise I would have been yelling and screaming at her). She said, "I hate to see (my daughter's name) go down this path." And I just calmly said, "What path is that?" And she would stumble, not even wanting to pronounce the words!

 

I mean, come on. Seriously? On what universe does an acquaintance call the parent of a bisexual child and offer to put them in conversion therapy for you?? (answer: my universe).

 

Of course, that friend is no longer my daughter's friend (their choice).

 

We will definitely be going to a bigger, less conservative place. We will spend a lot of time this summer, looking. My friends live in the 90274 zip code, though. So I had better not get used to that, unless someone gives me a crystal ball with tomorrow's winning PowerBall numbers.

 

Thank you again for sharing ~

[preraph]

Well, I know what that type of blind anti-gay prejudice is like. My mother was terrified of homosexuality. When I was nearly 40 and in LA on business and called her to tell her all was going well, she was hysterical and begged me not to go to San Francisco (which was never in the plan) because she was convinced it was catching, basically. I mean, it was nuts. Honestly, I think my mom, who grew up one of 13 siblings in the middle of literally nowhere, may have been a lesbian in another era and that maybe that's why it scared her so that I would become one.

 

I didn't put up with any bad talk about my "little brother" friend I wrote about above, but it made her uneasy. And later she knew my gay friends were so good to me after I'd moved out of state and didn't say anything bad about them, but I knew she was very uncomfortable with it.

 

Those conversion things are so cruel. I'm afraid my tolerance ends where someone pushing their religion on me or my friends begins. The basis for most religions is more about tolerance, but yet the religions seem to harbor the most zealous homophobes. The Mormon Church announced yesterday it was phasing out the Boy Scouts (since they now are tolerant) and creating their own similar group.

 

On the plus side, just last night I watched a real interesting show on USA channel called "Inside the FBI - New York" and it had the most touching story told by a young gay FBI agent. Up until just a few few years ago, gays were rejected by the FBI. Now they encourage diversity of all kinds. This young man's dad had been a firefighter on 911, and that's why he wanted to seek justice and be in the FBI. He told how he was affected by the Orlando, Florida gay club massacre. But the end of his story showed the FBI marching in the 2016 Gay Pride parade for the first time, and all the people on the street were just going nuts. It just meant so much to be supported by this most ominous of governmental entities. I was happy to see that even though some things seem to be going backwards that I hoped would change before I die, that at least this one thing has come a long way.

 

It is expensive in LA, but I hope you find a way to live there. There's plenty of other big towns where she would find her niche though, so don't lose hope if that one doesn't work out. Speak to her schools and try to find one where there is an actual gay club within it or something like that. Once she goes to college, she will not have to worry about that stuff. College kids quickly learn to live and let live.

[Quiet Storms]

My oldest son (21) lives in San Francisco. I go to visit him every chance I get. Just beautiful there, and I love the atmosphere. He went to Berkeley, which of course is also well known for its liberal mindset. That is a really fun city too.

 

That is a huge positive story regarding the FBI. I hadn't realized the organization was just now accepting that level of diversity.

 

I love LA, but I also love Chicago. I'm a Midwest girl at heart. Either would be great for my daughter, I think. We will have fun checking them out this summer!

 

Great idea about the gay club within the school. That is something I would not have thought of.

 

I was raised in the middle of nowhere too. But I spent 25 years in a very progressive, liberal state university, and many of my friends to this day are individuals of the LGBT community. That's why I was so shell-shocked to come here, Bible-beating, fire-and-brimstone. I just didn't, and haven't, dealt with it well.

 

My daughter knows she can come to me with anything. She can talk to me about anything. There isn't much more you can do to keep the lines of communication open.

[preraph]

I think she'll be alright just knowing she's getting away from the bullies, BUT if they're online, be sure she blocks them. She may be afraid to now, but once she's gone, be sure she blocks them forever.

 

Of course, SF would be a great place for her, but talk about expensive!~!!

Florida is good in most places. Lots of gays in Miami and down in the Keys. Always has been.

 

Teen years are so hard and so melodramatic to begin with, and teens are so self-conscious and think everyone is paying more attention to them than they are. But the problem is their brains aren't matured until mid-twenties, so that's one reason why you do see teen suicides, because the part of their brain that makes them understand how permanent a consequence would be isn't formed yet. So you do have to watch the suicidal ones like a hawk and of course have them see a professional when possible.

 

Be strong. She's lucky to have you in her corner.