Share Your Experiences with Shared Custody and Relocation

[The_Onceler]

Hi all,

 

My ex recently decided to leave (she moved out Sept 2016), which was only about 6 months after we had relocated to a new town, and I had taken on a huge new mortgage. She decided to get back together with an old boyfriend from her distant past. He himself had just divorced last year as well.

 

So, as I have been considering whether to stay or sell (I kept my house, she moved out), it occurred to me she might well intend to live with this other guy, and if so, she would probably want to move to a different town.

 

For my part, I feel that we should NOT require the kids to move and start over (again!) in a new school system. Sure, staying in this town will cramp our lives in various ways, but we came here for the good schools, so it seems that staying here is obviously the best thing for our kids.

 

My ex, however, DOES envision moving to a new town. Essentially, her criteria are (1) what would be convenient for both her and her new/old boyfriend, and (2) what would be convenient for her job.

 

I can understand these things, but I can't see how either of us can expect to ever relocate our kids. I mean, we share custody 50/50, so we each have the same level of oversight into WHERE the kids live. And we will each have pressures and reasons for relocating. What I mean to say is, yes, I can see why she might want to move to a place that is closer to her boyfriend and his life. But the same is true of me. And the same is true of the other man's ex wife.

 

So, how would we ever decide who "wins"? If she can justify moving the kids from town A to town B because next year she wants to live with the other man, then can't I also then expect to be able to move from town B to town C at some future point so that I can be with my future girlfriend?

 

When would that game end?

 

Since there can be no clear "winner" in any such argument, it seems to me that we simply cannot be forced to relocate the kids, unless she and I agree.

 

Now, yes, I need to discuss this with my attorney, but I can hardly imagine a case where I could write a contract that prevents her from moving to a new town (or taking the kids to a new town). That said, if such a battle went all the way to the courts...

 

I am curious to hear if anyone else has dealt with these issues, and how it might have been resolved.

 

Thanks!

[Chilli]

Man l'm sorry for what you must be going through. Very nice of wifey. And yep l reckon your right in not trusting much she says and who knows where she'll be next.

 

Just one thing though , your kids should not be with or around any new partner until that relationship is at least 18mths old and is considered to be a long term lasting thing.

Not only is that a no brainer common sense anyway, poor kids as if they don't go through enough in this. But if you chase up studies of the effect on kids in divorce and all the scenarios, that is one of the worst things a parent can do and expect of their kids in this mess. .

For a start, do the research and find the studies in all this and show them to your - sorry , but idiot ex , don;t let her just do these things to your children.

 

The moving and what to do with the house stuff, oh man. Just been through all that too.

l asked my ex to guarantee me she plans on staying put until our daughter was 18, and luckily she could.

l had nightmares about her getting a brain fart and moving to God knows where the second l got resettled to stay close to my daughter.

 

Thanks fully she assured me and now she's married again a local guy so , nearly 5yrs , think l'm safe.

But l sold our house, the memories in it were just too hard on me and my daughter.

And then l struggled for 2 yrs both financially and in trying to figure out where to start again.

Meantime l rented a place 15mins from her for 2yrs. So all in all that was the first 3yrs of this and took my daughter through the hardest parts of it so that l could be right there with her through it.

The 15mins was perfect , or even closer , l even considered moving around the corner from ex so that my d could come and go anytime.

And ex was fine about that but she was worried l'd hate the town , which l did anyway so didn't do it in the end.

l've only just bought another place now finally, 25mins over from my daughter.

But we are finding the 25mins even , is far different from the 15mins. Especially as my car is rough and my daughter already does a lot of traveling plus 2hours a day to ad from school.

So the closer you can be the better , it really really makes a massive difference.

l love my new house but l do wish now it was only 10mins away instead of 25 and l'm really missing that. It's totally effected our time together so be as close as you can.

Maybe even just rent if you can't trust your ex.

 

The other biggie l could suggest, is somehow, keep things as good as you can between you and ex , so that you can work and raise the kids together for the kids sake and your own.

And not only , but it makes a massive massive difference to the kids in this , if the parents keep things between them respectable and workable .

And you'll see all that in the studies too , not we need studies to tell us something so obvious but the difference really is a huge thing for the kids and the effects of growing up in this mess from here on.

You can almost make their life great and fun still , if you guys keep it clean.

 

Good luck with everything and again l am sorry you and your kids are going through this.

[The_Onceler]

Man l'm sorry for what you must be going through. Very nice of wifey. And yep l reckon your right in not trusting much she says and who knows where she'll be next.

 

Just one thing though , your kids should not be with or around any new partner until that relationship is at least 18mths old and is considered to be a long term lasting thing.

 

Thanks for your comments, Chilli. I am sorry to hear about the struggles you faced, but it gives me hope to hear when other people get through it OK.

 

Yeah, I totally agree with you on all of this. I should say upfront that the ex and I have kept things between us pretty sane and cordial. In those times when we need to interact, we do so in a friendly manner. And when I talk to my kids about their mother, I am always positive about her with them. After all, no matter what I think of her, to them, she is Mommy, so bad-mouthing her is only harming them.

 

Of course, at this point, I still mostly hate my ex for all of this, so I do what I can to avoid her. And she has this crazy idea that the four of us should still do family activities together. I mean, when people say stuff like "It is important for the divorced parents to maintain cordial and friendly interactions", she hears "the divorced parents should still get together with their kids and spend their leisure time together." What I hear is, "When you absolutely HAVE to be around your ex, be nice"

 

Recently, my ex has begun to push more and more to be included in my time with the girls. For instance, I am taking them to an event this Sunday. She expected that I would invite her as well.

 

I was like, WTF?

 

But anyway...

 

Right now we all live in the same town. We moved here about 18 months ago, and then she started her affair almost a year ago, and moved out a few months after that. She found a place in town, about 5 minutes down the road.

 

But she is entirely self centered, and regularly puts her needs ahead of the kids. At least, that is my assessment.

 

She arranged for our kids to meet her new boyfriend and his kids some time ago. She and her boyfriend pretended that they were strangers and made the encounter seem like a random encounter with another family at the park (of course, they had to drive 25 minutes out of town to be at that park in the first place!). They then proceeded to go to lunch together. At the time, she assured me that she would speak to me before ever taking such a step. Then she went ahead and arranged the meeting, and told me about it after the fact. Nice.

 

I don't know whether the kids have seen him/them again. But I don't trust her to tell me the truth about it anyway. I half suspect that she has brought them all together regularly, and instructs the kids to lie. But that could be just paranoia and sour grapes on my part.

 

But since the other man is an old flame, I think she considers them to be further along the relationship trajectory - where you might suggest an 18 month wait, she would say, "Well, we dated for 3 years already! Of course, those three years happened 20 years ago, but still..."

 

But, she thinks that it is perfectly reasonable that the kids and I might need to pick up stakes again and relocate to a new town of her choosing. I was actually surprised that she showed less inclination to move closer to her boyfriend, and more inclination to move closer to her job. Ironically, this might result in shorter move.

 

But the thing is, even just moving a town or two from here, which might not seem like a big deal as an adult, would mean that the kids would have to change schools and start all over AGAIN with making friends and such.

 

I frankly find it appalling that she would even CONSIDER relocating the kids to a nearby town simply to shave 10 minutes from her commute. But that is how she thinks. She keeps telling me how resilient the kids are, and how adaptable.

 

I respond to say, yes, luckily they are both resilient and adaptable, but when do we stop relying on THEIR resiliency and instead require the two of us to shoulder some of the burden of our divorce? I think that we have asked enough of the kids - we moved them to a new town in a new state, we asked them to leave their friends and neighbors behind and adjust to a very different sort of home, and THEN we asked them to adjust to our divorce.

 

Now we are going to ask them to change schools and friends and homes AGAIN so that my ex can have a more convenient commute or live more comfortably with her other man?

 

And what of his ex wife and their kids? I don't know much of anything about them, but I *do* know that the four of them live on the other side of a state line from here, and that state line is about 40 miles away. I am fairly sure that a parent cannot relocate their kids across state lines without consent from the other parent, so it seems that my ex and her boyfriend might be in a bit of a pickle.

 

Anyway, my plan is to proceed as if we are staying here. If she decided to move 25 miles away with the intention of relocating our kids, I will just dig in and fight. But I can't be expected to go on with life being limited by the threat of where my ex might try to move to, can I?

[todreaminblue]

hey,

 

when i left my ex he was already in another relationship that overlapped my 15 year relationship with him......because of this i decided it was best to move interstate one last time.........he made one choice and i didnt want to be vulnerable to him coming around..making choices for me...becoming a part time lover..........

 

 

.it took me a good six months of radio silence to grieve and be able to talk to him ......as soon as i was able to .....i set up regular contact with the kids and him ...i pay for half the flights always.......i remind my girls to ring him....his birthday that sort of thing..and at least twice a week phone contact ...and odd texts make him feel like a dad.....and always enforced with the kids courteous behavior towards him and his now ex partner and their relationship......he is their dad..........

 

now he has split he wants to see me again.....he is flying me down to "talk" in a couple of weeks he feels lost i guess....and a bit alone.....and as he said to me recently "you always had the kids"...he has no one......he does actually, he has parents...and work mates ......he is just making me feel guilty.......

 

i know its hard but you have to try to do this civilly......as best you can...might take you some alone time to reflect and heal a bit before trying for civility ..take that time..

 

 

stay out of court.....dont dig in...try to be flexible courteous and understanding more than anything else..this is what will help your kids adjust.......this isnt about you or her or what is best for either of you...or if she has a new partner that you will probably grow to really dislike....its about the kids...and that is what should matter first....fi the relationship she is or isnt in doesnt work out...be prepared for her to backtrack......when that day comes one year or ten years from now...thats a battle that will be a lot harder to face......you can get through this....because your love for your kids will make you get through it....good luck......deb

Edited March 5, 2017 by todreaminblue

[Chilli]

Thanks Onceler and yeah your spot on . All this crap we get told oh oh kids are adaptable , l hate that talk too.

Of course they will be but talk to 40yrs that grew up in divorced families , yeah they adapted , because they had too, but it's still effecting them at 40.

So my view is the closest thing we can provide to normal and carefree for them the happier they can be with as solid and loving a childhood foundation as we can still five them.

So glad you and ex are workable, it's a huge step and yep , sucking it up is hard you bet but worth it. But l also hear you on her attitudes, that was the biggest thing with mine too and l couldn't believe a word she said and l kept my eye on things 24/7 but thankfully , she did do a lot of stupid things which l stepped in on 4 or 5 times but she did also looked after our d at her end too.

l never run her down either and d can talk openly about mum and l'll join in a bit and it works out ok and her mum is much the same about me.

Yours sounds a bit like my area, we have a main town 20mins up but then a circle of smaller ones 15 apart but thankfully she's stayed based in her town through this and l'm in one 15mins over, 25 door to door. And d's school is in another one but although l'm a bit further now from ex's town l'm actually 10mins closer to d's school so she texts me any time and l go pick her up at school to which l love doing and that helps a lot too.

 

l didn't know about the family thing either.l have met some ex couples that do that, l've never been sure myself, some say it's worse and confusing for the kids. Ex wanted to a bit and we did do some Christmas and things but to more l said no while she was seeing a new guy.

God knows how that will go he's been married twice already and has 4 kids to 3 women before ex, good luck ex.

My gf has one son but he lives in her home country now. d knows about her now, 15mths all up but they haven't met yet.

Edited March 5, 2017 by Chilli

[The_Onceler]

stay out of court.....dont dig in...try to be flexible courteous and understanding more than anything else..this is what will help your kids adjust.......this isnt about you or her or what is best for either of you...or if she has a new partner that you will probably grow to really dislike....its about the kids...and that is what should matter first....fi the relationship she is or isnt in doesnt work out...be prepared for her to backtrack......when that day comes one year or ten years from now...thats a battle that will be a lot harder to face......you can get through this....because your love for your kids will make you get through it....good luck......deb

 

Believe me, I am in no rush to take our issues to court. But as she seems to be indicating that she is willing to try to make the kids change towns and schools again just to be 10 minutes closer to her boyfriend or 10 minutes closer to work - well, that is NOT in the best interest of the kids.

 

Trust me - I have been entirely civil with her, way beyond what could be expected. And I am not looking for a fight. But I also don't want to sell this house, pay the huge realtor fees and suffer a financial loss, and then find that she wants to relocate the kids and I may have to sell AGAIN.

 

I don't particularly care about the other man. I mean, she left me, and split our family, for another man, so I care to that extent. But which particular guy? I don't really care, so long as he doesn't harm my kids in any way.

 

She is of course free to do what she wants. If she wants to move 45 minutes away from here, or across county... good for her. But if she intends to also make the kids relocate, then she is in for a fight. The kids still talk frequently to me about how much they miss their old schools, neighborhood, friends, etc. And now they have been here for a year and a half, and are making new friends and getting involved in their schools.

 

And now she wants to move them again to suit her social life? And I would be wrong to resist that?

 

Sorry. I appreciate your concern and your input, but on this, so far I must disagree.

[The_Onceler]

Whoops - double post

[Chilli]

Yeah def' stay the hell away from courts if you can imo.

l'm not having some judge tell my daughter when she can and can't see her own dad.,fk that, or tell me.

 

Really hoping you can work it out with the ex.

[todreaminblue]

Believe me, I am in no rush to take our issues to court. But as she seems to be indicating that she is willing to try to make the kids change towns and schools again just to be 10 minutes closer to her boyfriend or 10 minutes closer to work - well, that is NOT in the best interest of the kids.

 

Trust me - I have been entirely civil with her, way beyond what could be expected. And I am not looking for a fight. But I also don't want to sell this house, pay the huge realtor fees and suffer a financial loss, and then find that she wants to relocate the kids and I may have to sell AGAIN.

 

I don't particularly care about the other man. I mean, she left me, and split our family, for another man, so I care to that extent. But which particular guy? I don't really care, so long as he doesn't harm my kids in any way.

 

She is of course free to do what she wants. If she wants to move 45 minutes away from here, or across county... good for her. But if she intends to also make the kids relocate, then she is in for a fight. The kids still talk frequently to me about how much they miss their old schools, neighborhood, friends, etc. And now they have been here for a year and a half, and are making new friends and getting involved in their schools.

 

And now she wants to move them again to suit her social life? And I would be wrong to resist that?

 

Sorry. I appreciate your concern and your input, but on this, so far I must disagree.

 

 

 

that's ok thank you for appreciating my post.....i do wish you well and hope whatever you decide works out best for you and yours.......deb

[MJJean]

Yeah def' stay the hell away from courts if you can imo.

l'm not having some judge tell my daughter when she can and can't see her own dad.,fk that, or tell me.

 

Really hoping you can work it out with the ex.

 

Noob mistake to keep it out of the courts. BTDT.

 

The basic attitude of the courts is that, unless it's a clear violation of the divorce and custody agreement, it's all good.

 

Anything that isn't spelled out in black and white, signed and stamped by the court, is a gamble.

[Chilli]

Depends.

We've worked it free and simple over four years now on our own agreement. Mistake to go near them unless you really have to we think.

Edited March 7, 2017 by Chilli

[The_Onceler]

Noob mistake to keep it out of the courts. BTDT.

 

The basic attitude of the courts is that, unless it's a clear violation of the divorce and custody agreement, it's all good.

 

Anything that isn't spelled out in black and white, signed and stamped by the court, is a gamble.

 

My own life experiences with our court system has left me ALWAYS wanting to avoid it. Of course, I have never before been in this situation.

 

But I guess what I was asking was, is a court likely to issue a ruling such as "neither parent shall force the children to change school districts unless both parents agree"?

 

Essentially, that seems to me like a common sense solution to the issue. We share custody, so if either of us wants to relocate the children, we put a burden upon the other parent by doing so. And of course, in my estimation, requiring the kids to change schools/towns is inherently a bad idea for them, and as such, doing so would require significant justification.

 

I can certainly imagine scenarios where we need to move them, and where we might even both agree, but what I want to avoid is having to move the kids repeatedly just to suit the convenience of their mother.

 

That being said, the court system DOES scare the dickens out of me. One mistake or improper ruling can result in terrible problems that can take years and years to resolve. We, my ex and I, get along well enough in our co-parenting relationship. It is not as if we have ongoing problems, so we have not had need to resort to the courts to sort things out. But I fear that we may need to do so now...