Daughters hardly staying over lately?

[Chilli]

Hi.

Having trouble seeing enough of my daughter lately , she hardly stays over anymore. She's nearly 16.

 

We divorced 4yrs ago and ex and l work well together for d.

My d use to stay over most wkends and often week days too, as well as l can go see her, pick her up at school or take her out somewhere any time or she would often text me if l could come.

Most of her friends use to stay over my place to and they usually did for around 7 or 8yrs actually. All their parties and sleepovers were usually at my place and we all got along really well.

With ex and my d there's never been anything in stone and that was the way we've had it and like it since day one.

But especially earlier inTO our divorce l did always try to at least have d stay weekends and most holidays.

The rest of the week we would both come and go whenever.

 

One thing is, l use to rent a place 15mins away and a very easy drive to and from but now l've bought a place 25mins away. 5mths ago. D was really exited about it but has only stayed a few times. Although, in our last few mths in the rental , she also started missing wkends as well, at around 15.

Mostly other stuff going on with friends and things like that.

 

Another thing now is ,she has a new boyfriend and best friend, both in her town now, which ex's town. They're together all the time and her bf looks after his dad bc he has MS, so the bf doesn't go out very much and d is mainly over at his place, as is also the best friend - which is his sister , and also her bf

They've got a great little group and they're all great kids .

 

But , bc they're always mainly and the bf's and his sisters place , her best friend, and the bf's pretty house bound helping his dad, she hardly stays over at mine anymore.

l still see her all the time , go grab her and we go places or come back here, l pick her up at school too , but she's just not staying much.

l've asked ex about it and if she could give her a bit of a nidge and she says she does but it's just all about her teens and the friends right now , it's not personal or anything against me.

D ad l still get along really well , probably better than ex and her , even d says that as well.

 

D's also said a few times now she loves the house here and the town , it's just that she's tied up over there all the time with the bf and friends at his place.

 

We have a free parent line here and l've rang them a few times for advice . And they've said my d is near 16, she's full on teening, she's got the bf and his tied to his dad mostly , they say relax and don't push her or try to force her.

They say she's just growing up and lifes all about her right now and will be for the next few yrs.

They say the best thing l can do is just keep seeing her anyway l can as l usually do and don't force the staying over thing whatever l do or it will push her away.

Just let her know the door is always open she's welcome anytime and l'm here for her.

 

That all sounds fair enough , l do understand , l hardly saw my parents in my teens l was always with friends.

But it is hard not getting to spend wkends with her anymore , espcially as l've just bought the house.

l don't have much spare money and my cars a piece of sh#t too so it's hard to take her out too much or spend too much money right now and that limits things a lot too until get on my feet better after buying the house.

l just wish l could get more time with her, especially some wkends .

 

What do you think , any ideas , how would you handle it , or do you think what the parent line had to say is really about it right now.?

 

So weird the way life can twist and turn, now other dads are getting more time around my daughter than me but it use to be vise verse for yrs and yrs, they were always over our place, often for wks at a time over the holidays.

 

Her group has stayed over here twice since we moved in but they all have their stuff going on over in their town so l was usually running them all back or all over the place by the next day.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt but most teenagers are all about themselves. If she has a new boyfriend then it's all about them.

 

I suggest you plan something special that can give you some time with her and invite him along so you can get a chance to know him too. Maybe a nice dinner, a concert or even a weekend getaway if you can swing it.

 

Don't meddle and try not to guilt her. She's just being a teenage kid acting like a teenage kid and while it may feel personal I'm sure it's not intentional.

[Ronni_W]

Chilli,

It is cold comfort, I know, but this dynamic was going to be playing out in this same way even if you and your daughter had been living together 100%

of the time since her birth.

 

They don't put it in the 'parenting manual' how much parents really have to surrender/let go and suck up/accept, mentally and emotionally, when those adorable infants

grow into (still-adorable) young adults and adults.

 

As tough as it is, we cannot feel hurt by the natural and normal detaching and disbanding of parent-child bonds, as our children become free and independent grown-ups.

 

Hugs,

Ronni

[Chilli]

Thanks very much for the suggestions and help, very appreciated.

There are a few other complications with going too far these days too.

She travels 2hrs a day on bus for school , which makes it a long day and between that and ex taking her up to our main town usually once or twice a wk as well she's usually had enough of driving and so have l by the wkend.

 

However , before into last yr , when we were either just hanging out at home and thoroughly loving it , as well as doin little trips here and there or we'd go away for a few days. We were going away 3 and 4 trips year mostly , great fun. We even have our fav beach town and if we don't go somewhere else we love just going back there for a few days.

Ex never took her away once.

 

But sadly l haven't been able too this last 10mths or so but ex did take her away and good finally, interstate for a wk and d had a ball so that worked out great.

 

One of our little things this last 8mths or so has been cruising over to another local beach town here and we just have chips on the sand , talk and laugh at all the tourists , we both love going over there and it's close and cheap and easy.

 

Truth is though yeah , l wish she;d share the house a bit more.

On the up side though l guess , it's the first time l've had some free wkends in over 4yrs and l guess l could be thinking oh , goodie, l can now have a bit of a life..

But l still miss her.