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16 year old son has older girlfriend whom is pregnant..


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Old 12th February 2017, 2:45 AM   #1
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16 year old son has older girlfriend whom is pregnant..

Hello all, I am a mom to a 16-year-old son and I am needing some advice with him. My son has been dating a girl three years older than him, and we just found out she is pregnant. My ex and I have been divorced for a few years now and he sees nothing wrong with this situation. I have a lot of reservations and feel like this is unacceptable I mean why is a nineteen-year-old dating a 16-year-old? I have tried sitting my son down and talking to him about this but he simply gets upset and says all of the usual teen crap and says he is in love with her and dad doesn't care why should I. And about a week ago he walked in with his girlfriend to his dads place and broke the news that she is pregnant but she wants to keep the baby. I have tried getting my ex on the same page as me but it isn't working as you can see. I don't know what to do I don't want to ruin her life by calling the police but I do believe this needs to end. But now ending it is so tough now that she is pregnant. I am unsure what to do or what I even can do, I mean she is getting my son alcohol and getting him drunk and then dropping him off at his dads house completely plastered. What should I do? Advice?
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Old 12th February 2017, 4:16 AM   #2
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Hey :)

Maybe a bit drastic but....

Tell your Son to move in with his Father, if he doesn't want to abide by your house rules there is no reason for you to subsidise his lifestyle choices.

Move on with your life and start doing stuff for you.

I don't know what country you are in, in the UK there maybe social security reasons why a 19yr old girl would want a baby, it takes her off one class of benefits and switches her to another with less restrictions for a period of time.

Unless your Son is making mature noises about securing employment and taking on the financial obligations of his girlfriend and child I assume he doesn't really know his a$$ from his elbow.

Let people make their own mistakes, this is one he will pay heavily for for many years to come.

You can't do jack about the girl or her decision to keep the child. Maybe a DNA test on birth would be worthwhile.

Take care of you and accept their decisions are their decisions and nothing to do with you, you are not financially or emotionally obligated to take part
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Old 12th February 2017, 4:58 AM   #3
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At 16, does he even know how to be a dad ? Who will pick up the financial obligations of the baby when he himself is still a child?

Yeah, the dad doesnt have a problem as long as he himself isnt doing anything. Move your son to his dad. They both can play dad to each of their children.Then you can say from afar, I dont have a problem.
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Old 12th February 2017, 5:40 AM   #4
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ConcernedMom,

Calling the police is not really going to do anything about resolving the fact that your son is going to become a father very soon.

The focus and goal now ought to be helping your son get parenting information and education, including life and employment skills. Help him locate the agencies or societies that offer such services to young adults and young parents.

This will be your grandchild and the child's mother will, thus, be part of your life - for the rest of the natural lives of all concerned.
You are still entirely in charge of your part of whether or not all of these interdependent relationships will be fully loving, supportive, nurturing -
- or full of bitterness and hostility.

While you may feel disappointed at this time, there is also the long-term view to consider

In Love and Light.
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Last edited by Ronni_W; 12th February 2017 at 6:13 AM.. Reason: grammar
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Old 12th February 2017, 2:38 PM   #5
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Once this child is birthed, get a blood test for true paternity. He is under no obligation til such is determined.

yes you can and should file charges on giving alcohol to a minor.

Btw, Noticed you are a new poster, so welcome to the board, we look forward to your contributions!
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Old 12th February 2017, 5:32 PM   #6
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He probably is in love. She's going to break his heart one day too, baby or no baby. Everybody but he and she knows that.

I see three possible roads:

1) Abortion/adoption
2) Step up and support the life he's brought into the world
3) Abandon his responsibilities

Which outcome are you hoping for?

If that is indeed your little grandchild in there, he will have a child for a father when he's born. What grade is he in? 11th grade?

The paternity test is not a bad idea, even if he's against it. Just swab the little baby when nobody's looking.

Time to educate Junior on what he's facing. You might want to take him shopping for a bunch of stuff. Go crib shopping and blankets and all that stuff, take pictures of your favorites, come home and add it up so he can see it. Take him shopping for supplies, diapers, wipes, onsies, formula, bottles, all that stuff. When you get to the register, don't pay. Make him do it. A little sticker shock will be good for him. The embarrassment of not having that money might wake him up a little.

Take him to the bookstore and show him that series, What to Expect When You're Expecting. Then, show him the rest of the books, I think it's one per year, and tell him how old he'll be, and what he might have been doing otherwise that he's not going to be able to do.

Sketch out a rough budget for him for the next 5 years. Don't forget the regular doctor visits and the vaccines and all that stuff. It's in the books, he'll know you're not making it up. Tell him you'll pay for the normal grandma stuff, but not for his responsibilities, and he's going to have to start saving now. Tell him he should ask his Dad how much money per year Dad is willing to kick in, and how often he's going to see it. Tell him he has to start planning his new life. Ask questions, but don't give him answers. Write them down, and make him face them, even if it isn't all at once.

Ask him how he feels about community college vs. going away to school. Was he going to go to college? Where are they going to live, before and after he's done with high school? For how long can they mooch off of her parents and his Dad?

The only thing you can do right now is prepare him as best you can for what he's going to face.
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Old 13th February 2017, 4:21 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayla View Post
Once this child is birthed, get a blood test for true paternity. He is under no obligation til such is determined.

yes you can and should file charges on giving alcohol to a minor.

Btw, Noticed you are a new poster, so welcome to the board, we look forward to your contributions!
Thank you for the welcome.

He was planning to go away for college as he has a scholarship offer from a few different schools on the table for baseball. I have tried setting him down and telling him how that is in severe jeopardy right now because of the choices he is making and that this young lady probably does not care for him the way he does and she is most likely going to break his heart soon. But he still says he loves her and thinks what he is doing is right and normal. Aside from this he is an amazing kid keeps his room perfectly clean works a part time job he is an A/B student and his studies are still up to par but this issue is just throwing everything he has worked so hard for out of the Window. And I will see about getting a paternity test done.
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Old 13th February 2017, 11:23 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by mightycpa View Post

I see three possible roads:

1) Abortion/adoption
2) Step up and support the life he's brought into the world
3) Abandon his responsibilities
Or:

4) She moves on to the next guy, taking your grandchild with her. Your son pays child support for the next 18 years with little/no contact with his kid.

Honestly, ConcernedMom we all want to protect our kids and I get why you want to make this your issue - but it's not. The decisions made good or bad are out of your hands and rest solely with the parents-to-be.

Rather than assigning blame and preparing to call the police, I'd be looking to support and counsel in any way I could. Get the couple in front of you and find out their plans. Play the long game and think, if/when this child comes, what role you'll want to have.

Looks like this might happen whether or not you're on board. Think about everything that means. Keep posting, lots of support here...

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Old 13th February 2017, 1:00 PM   #9
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I'm not sure where you live but there are very few places where a 19 year old having sex with a 16 year old would be illegal.

It's an unfortunate situation, but I can't believe all the "pro-death" people calling for abortion. I believe in pro choice, but telling a 19 year old that they should have an abortion that they don't want just isn't okay.

As for the son, whether they stay together or not, he is still responsible. Teen parents are rare these days, but it isn't a new phenomenon, they'll both have to try to balance out school, work and parenthood.
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Old 13th February 2017, 1:15 PM   #10
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I'm not sure where you live but there are very few places where a 19 year old having sex with a 16 year old would be illegal.

It's an unfortunate situation, but I can't believe all the "pro-death" people calling for abortion. I believe in pro choice, but telling a 19 year old that they should have an abortion that they don't want just isn't okay.

As for the son, whether they stay together or not, he is still responsible. Teen parents are rare these days, but it isn't a new phenomenon, they'll both have to try to balance out school, work and parenthood.
No one is saying that she should be forced or talked in to it if she doesn't want to, but it's a legal and valid option so I don't see the problem in people mentioning it.

ConcernedMom, I understand that it's probably a heartbreaking situation for your family. No one dreams of their child becoming a parent at only 16. But unfortunately, if she decides to keep the child, prepare for all of your lives to change dramatically. He probably isn't even aware of the seriousness of the situation and how massive it is.

I think that as a parent you should step in, sit down with him and have a long talk. What are his future plans with school now? Do they plan to live together? How will they manage financially? These are questions that need to be addressed and he needs to start thinking about them. Let him know that you will support him, but you can't live his life or raise his child for him.
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Old 13th February 2017, 2:37 PM   #11
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Let him know that you will support him, but you can't live his life or raise his child for him.
I'd be clear with him what "support" means. Financial? Live with you? Baby supplies?

OP, you'll have some decisions to make...

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Old 13th February 2017, 3:21 PM   #12
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Trying to get my head around the idea of a 16yo supporting a pregnancy.

OP, if I were in your shoes, there's no way I'd be allowing my child to give up school and earn a wage to support a baby. Likewise, I wouldn't be offering financial support on his behalf. She has made the choice to keep the baby, and this is her prerogative. But she needs to know that she can't get money or stuff from a 16yo who has nothing to give.

(For what it's worth, if my daughter was pregnant while still at school, I would not be allowing her to quit school and work minimum wage to support the child - nor would I expect support from a teenage father)
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Old 13th February 2017, 4:00 PM   #13
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Trying to get my head around the idea of a 16yo supporting a pregnancy.

OP, if I were in your shoes, there's no way I'd be allowing my child to give up school and earn a wage to support a baby. Likewise, I wouldn't be offering financial support on his behalf. She has made the choice to keep the baby, and this is her prerogative. But she needs to know that she can't get money or stuff from a 16yo who has nothing to give.

(For what it's worth, if my daughter was pregnant while still at school, I would not be allowing her to quit school and work minimum wage to support the child - nor would I expect support from a teenage father)
As far as I know, and this probably varies depending on the country and state, but 16 year olds are, regardless of the fact that they're minors, still liable for child support. In fact, I'm pretty sure that once they become parents, they are considered emancipated minors.

If he decides to get a job to support the baby, the only thing OP can do is kick him out of the house. I personally wouldn't ever do that to my child.

Honestly, what I would do if my own daughter was in that situation and she wanted to keep the baby - I would allow her to continue living at home under the condition that she continues her education and takes responsibility for the child. I feel like the best thing for her happiness would be to help her get on her own two feet, which she can do by getting a degree and finding a job.
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Old 13th February 2017, 4:30 PM   #14
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I mean, sending her to jail is about your only option here. It's too late. The son needed to be drilled on using birth control as soon as he was a teenager. The age gap isn't much, so it depends on the state whether it's a serious crime or not. Some have an age gap of years between them before it's a serious crime. So look up your state laws.

But I wouldn't ruin her life because of it. She's young and stupid too. She's not really old enough to know better either.

Someone has to raise the kid if they do lock her up. And it will be your son, which means it will be YOU, in reality. I'm sorry. This has the potential to ruin your life and his and hers. That's why teen pregnancy is so bad and why talking about birth control is so important.

Tell him to go get an after-school job and weekend job right NOW and start letting the reality set in that he has a baby to support.
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Old 13th February 2017, 6:18 PM   #15
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OP, if I were in your shoes, there's no way I'd be allowing my child to give up school and earn a wage to support a baby.
Trust me, I get the concern - but how would you stop him? You can sanction in terms of kicking him out, cutting him off, etc., but if they're determined to have the child, how would you not "allow" it ?

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