Heart broke Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I have sixteen year old son who is a great kid. Honor roll, popular, star basketball player, and a sweet kid all around. He asked me recently if he could quit the basketball team and start playing drums. I told him of course and we made a deal I'd pay half, and he would pay half. He picked out a set he wanted, which is pretty expensive and I told him okay, he could have that one. A few days later I found out I am pregnant again. With a pregnancy and soon to be new baby, I changed my mind about the drumset, and would like him to get an electric kit instead. They can be turned down and played with headphones, so on days I need quiet or when the baby comes he can still practice without disturbing us. I told him this and he got quiet and I could tell he was upset. Now he won't work with me on getting one. When I ask him about them he sort of just shuts down the conversation. I feel bad this happened, but I just don't think the full kit is a good idea now. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Have you considered that his issue might be more the you being pregnant and not so much the drum kit? I'm assuming, from your post he's an only child... is this correct? Could it be that he's jealous? (I've seen it happen! My 19 year old friend got really bummed when her dad (who she lived with) announced he was having another baby with his wife of many years. She would change the subject and act moody every time the baby was mentioned...) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 (edited) [] I have a fourteen year old as well. [] Edited January 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator redacted response and quote of off-topic post ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I think you need to keep your deal with your 16 year old. You need to teach him that when you say something, you keep your word. By changing your mind because of your new baby, you are putting that new baby in front of your 16 year old before it even gets here. I dont think thats fair at all to your 16 year old. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 You can buy or make drum mufflers or dampening kits. Search for "drum mutes", "drum mufflers", "drum muffler pads", "drum dampening devices", etc. Let him have a certain time of day he can practice with full volume but make him use the dampening devices at other times. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I think he should look at the electric kit. My son is a music student (guitar) and just got one. He's 16, if he's thinking of taking this up even semi-seriously, he'll be moving to a dorm room or student housing in the next couple of years, he'll want it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I wouldn't have agreed to the drum set to begin with if it meant he was going to be subjecting the whole family to the noise. Nor would I have agreed to quitting basketball on a whim. But once you agreed to the drum set I think you should follow through. You could try and reason with him –– explain that practice time will be limited with the real drums, but if he goes with electric he can practice as much as he wants and perhaps get the real drums at some point in the future. He needs to understand that a drum set will affect the whole family, that it's not all about him. Teach him while he's 16 so you won't be wondering where you went wrong when he's 23. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 I wouldn't have agreed to the drum kit if I had known I was pregnant. That was before... I'm going to try and talk to him about an electric kit again, and look into mutes. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Nothing. You gave him an alternative, so if he isn't happy with that, so be it. He's 16, not 2 so he's able to understand why he can't get a loud drum set. Let him be angry with you! He'll get over it. He's going to be angry at you in the future for other things so please try not to cave to his demands (if he puts any on you). Though I do think with the other stuff going on in your life is why the anger is there, really has nothing to do with the drums...He's just using that as an outlet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aolaolaol3 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I think you were gracious to offer an alternative. You had no control over the reason for the change. Sometimes you make plans but circumstances change. You know the Yiddish phrase "Man plans, God laughs." That's part of life. I understand how you would feel bad not to provide what you originally intended but you offered an alternative. I also understand your son getting upset. That's natural too but you offered an alternative and it was a fine one. He'll get over it. Sooner that you think. My advice is ask him if he wants the alternative and if he doesn't or doesn't respond don't bring it up again. If you keep bringing it up, he will continuously have that type of attitude/demeanor when things don't go as planned. Something that will happen again, whether by you or by someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 She had control over the change of circumstances. Her son, on the other hand, did not. Regardless, a drum set is pretty simple. It can be reframed in a manner that is to his benefit. Everybody wins. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aolaolaol3 Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 She had control over the change of circumstances. Her son, on the other hand, did not. I disagree. But either way, that's part of life. He'd better get used to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Does he know about your husband cheating as well? So you & his dad are having problems, your pregnant & he can't have a drum set...honestly, I'd be mad if I were him too. So he can't play the drums certain times bc of the baby. My oldest was playing instruments during me pregnant with a new baby, I didn't see an issue. I just had quite times. He's going through a lot of transition, if he's doing well, you can't work with him a bit on what he wants? Most kids at that age don't even want to be at home, it's a good way to keep your eye on him while he is going through a rough time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 I wouldn't have agreed to the drum kit if I had known I was pregnant. That was before... I'm going to try and talk to him about an electric kit again, and look into mutes. You gave your word - so stick to it. Honestly, this 'kid' has been the only one in the house acting as an adult. He is the last one you should be going back on your word with! You promised = stop trying to bargain for an inferior set. Have you figured out what you're doing with the husband yet? Of all the concerns right now - I can't believe you choose to focus on this. But the drums and file for divorce. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Keep your word with your 'kid' or be prepared for him to rebel at a certain age , not just against you but also hate towards the unborn baby. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Bottom line... With all children, you never ever go back on a deal that you make with one of your children. Never. From a practical perspective electronic DS's do not play like a real drum set and the are not good to learn on. Just FYI... BTW, pregnant with a 14 and 16 YO? Was that planned? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 No kids between 14 and baby? Same father? Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Yes same father. And the father was recently caught cheating, and using drugs, and destroyed the TV, all of which the son knows. Dad has also assulted mom, but she is hiding that from the son - but the kids do know that dad is kicked out, and S**** is hitting the fan. Get him the drum set. Do you have a garage? He can play in there. You can hang sound dampening material. My dad got me a horse while my parents divorced. It saved my sanity. I had an escape from the chaos, something else to fucus on. His world just got blown up as much as yours did. Let him have a freaking drum set. I am betting he has a lot of pent up emotion that he would like to take out on those drums. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted January 5, 2017 Author Share Posted January 5, 2017 No kids between 14 and baby? Same father? No others, and yes my husband is the father of all of my children. We always wanted a third, but we wanted to wait until we were in a great position for another child. We were until I found out he was cheating on me... The kids don't know the real story behind the TV. Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 The kids don't know the real story behind the TV. They probably have their own suspicion. Aspiring drummer here. There's no reason to believe that the baby is in any danger because of someone playing the drums from time to time in the house. The drum set can be dampened, or it could be set up somewhere else. As money, even around a divorce, seems not to be the problem, you could rent a practice room if you absolutely can't tolerate the drums. E drums are acceptable for seasoned drummers to rehearse. It's absolute poison and a betrayal to the whole project to start out on E drums. While I agree that it's better to keep one's word, I disagree that it's a moral absolute. Circumstances can change and parent-child relationships aren't business relationships. In summary: The pregnancy doesn't preclude the drumming. There are practical alternatives WRT drumming in the living room, undampened. Parental authority and familial cooperation are a given. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 I don't think bringing another baby into your toxic marriage is a good idea. You won't protect your 14 and 16yo from your husband's anger, yet you're trying to protect an embryo from drum playing. I don't get your logic lady. Your son has every right to be peeved with you, you're weak and you break promises. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted January 7, 2017 Author Share Posted January 7, 2017 I don't think bringing another baby into your toxic marriage is a good idea. You won't protect your 14 and 16yo from your husband's anger, yet you're trying to protect an embryo from drum playing. I don't get your logic lady. Your son has every right to be peeved with you, you're weak and you break promises. I have been protecting my children. I kicked him out to keep my babies safe. I got him the drumset last night it should be here in a week or something. When I told him I got it he started to cry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 I have sixteen year old son who is a great kid. Honor roll, popular, star basketball player, and a sweet kid all around. He asked me recently if he could quit the basketball team and start playing drums. I told him of course and we made a deal I'd pay half, and he would pay half. He picked out a set he wanted, which is pretty expensive and I told him okay, he could have that one. A few days later I found out I am pregnant again. With a pregnancy and soon to be new baby, I changed my mind about the drumset, and would like him to get an electric kit instead. They can be turned down and played with headphones, so on days I need quiet or when the baby comes he can still practice without disturbing us. I told him this and he got quiet and I could tell he was upset. Now he won't work with me on getting one. When I ask him about them he sort of just shuts down the conversation. I feel bad this happened, but I just don't think the full kit is a good idea now. What should I do? I think it is great that you are supporting your son's aspirations. That shows you are a great mom. As someone else said, I think it's important to teach children that you keep your word; consistency is key. If you break your word, they can later use it against you, and rightfully so. The electric kit is a great idea, he should really look into it. There are a lot of advantages to that, such as you can record your sessions and whatnot. And in addition to this, depending on where you live, perhaps you could see if there are rehearsal rooms nearby. We have those here, where you can rent a room for an hour for 10 bucks and then you can do in it whatever you want, they usually come with drums. If he starts playing in a band or something, this may be beneficial for him as well. I am not a parent, but worked as a nanny for 6 years, and I think that it's very important to keep your word, to be respected and to teach that value. But in this case, he is already 16 and also needs to learn that sometimes, things are complicated and we need to make compromises. In this case, the compromise is actually pretty beneficial for him. An electric drum kit? I WISH I HAD ONE! Try to teach him about the advantages of electric drum kits. (For example: The Benefits of Electronic Drums - Roland U.S. Blog) In the end, it is really a great compromise. And there are still ways to play a real drums, as I wrote above. I am sure it will work out. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 I have been protecting my children. I kicked him out to keep my babies safe. I got him the drumset last night it should be here in a week or something. When I told him I got it he started to cry. You may have kicked your husband out, but you're not being honest with your children about his violence and poor self control. They would have already witnessed his treatment of you, kid's aren't stupid. Sounds like your son is very emotionally charged. Have you got him into counselling? He likely needs someone to talk to about the state of the family dynamics. Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 (edited) I have been protecting my children. I kicked him out to keep my babies safe. I got him the drumset last night it should be here in a week or something. When I told him I got it he started to cry. [] I am glad you got him the drum set. This will be good for him. I hope you will manage with the new baby and focus on your children now that you kicked out your cheating husband. Edited January 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Off-topic content redacted 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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