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Relationship in Question and I'm Not Even Sure I Want Kids?


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Old 16th December 2016, 9:59 AM   #1
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Question Relationship in Question and I'm Not Even Sure I Want Kids?

Me and my long distance partner have been together over 2 years now. I'm very heavily emotionally invested in him and everything we've talked about. And I love him so much.

Recently after not seeing each other for 6 months, he came up to see me and we had a few days, it was a little awkward for both as neither brought up subjects that needed talked about and now he's saying he doesn't know if he still feels the same because of that, I said you can't go off a few days that were the same for both of us because of not saying things and not having the time alone properly due to others being around.

Also there's the biggest issue that's been between us. Kids. He has kids already, is sure that he never wants anymore, even though at the start of the relationship he said that he did want a baby with me, but has now changed his mind. He's 31 and I'm 35.

The thing is I'm not 100% certain either way if I want them or not.

There is a part of me that wants kids, the loving, the making a life, the watching grow and sharing, the legacy, the knowing that you'll have that love forever, the not getting old totally alone, the family, the having something that's mine.

On the other side I do like my life without kids, I have anxiety issues which makes life harder anyway, I've not really lived yet and want to do so much that having kids would hinder, I like me and him time alone without the hassle of kids, in some ways I much prefer animals and dogs, I like doing what I want to and sleeping in whenever I want.

the thought of not having kids and a family and having no one to love me and care about me into old age really really scares me as well so much, I know that having kids is no sure thing for that as some don't see their parents or care or look after them but some do. And I don't have much family as it is, and no friends either.

It's just hard with him having kids as well, I feel left out and when he's putting them to bed etc cuddling, I feel a bit upset that I don't have that and don't have that with him. But with it being long distance I'm not part of the family properly yet, so I don't know if I was that his kids wouldn't be enough for my stepchildren. Though I know that's never the same and when his kids have kids he'd be a granddad and I'd be step and just with him. I don't want to always feel left out and that he shares something with others ex's that he'll never share with me. Watching him raise kids that I never will, or would that be enough, that I'd get the best of both worlds, not having kids to impact our life together that much, but getting a stepfamily to love and have kids in that way.

Plenty of people are happy just being stepparents. It just scares me so so much of making the wrong choice, of saying I don't want kids and then regretting it all my life, or breaking up with my partner over the chance of finding someone else and wanting kids with them, that might not even happen anyway.

But I don't want to break up. Yes there's issues but aren't you meant to work through them together, not say just because of a few days that didn't go right for both and an issue that I'm not even sure of my answer to.

Since he left I've been crying none stop and feel so desperate and so down, I just can't do anything but think about him and all this. He's being so cold and distant since going back, says he's numb and confused and doesn't know how he feels, partly because of the kids thing as well as he doesn't want to take away my chance and is confused over how those few days felt. But he said once that he still loves me.

I've said to him that I think we should have another few days together and see how it feels then and talk properly when together and not through messages or phone calls. Is it something that I should say I want immediately, because living like this for us both is killing us right now. Mentally, emotionally and physically I'm in a real state right now so much. I've not been single properly for about 11 years now, and the thought of being single and having no one to love or love me scares me so so much. I just love him so much.

I really really can't take all this, I really don't know what to do, just feel like my world is crashing down around me and I can't breathe, I feel sick all the time and my chest hurts so much.

Last edited by x Maria x; 16th December 2016 at 10:20 AM..
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Old 16th December 2016, 4:42 PM   #2
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Hang in there

Hey, I am sorry you are going through all of this! It sounds like you guys need some time to think about things and work some stuff out. I am not sure why your relationship is long distance, but that may be a hurdle to tackle first before considering kids.
As a woman, only you know in your heart if you want a child or not. If you do, and he does not, then I do advise you to try and take a break from him and at least give some time to think things through. Have you guys talked about getting married or are you considering getting married? I find it helps couples to discuss things like children during premarital counseling, it helps iron out stuff before you make that lifetime commitment.

Good luck!
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Old 16th December 2016, 6:09 PM   #3
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Thank you for your reply.

I'm trying to give him space and not message him until he does but it's hard because usually we message all the time. He hasn't been wanting to talk on the phone the past few nights, but said we can tomorrow, will see if he does.

He's still being distant and it's all because of those few days where I felt the same as well, it wasn't right but not because feelings have changed it wasn't right because we weren't saying what needed saying and there was others around too much, not enough time alone.

And all this kids stuff. I really don't know, as I said in some ways I think yes I would maybe like a baby in a year or so, in other ways I think hell no, yes I like kids but I've also not really lived yet, done nothing, have anxiety issues, and wonder if I'm just wanting a baby mainly because of fear of not, regrets, of being alone having no one.

I love his kids, they love me, as it is long distance I don't feel part of the family yet, maybe I'd feel differently if I was, I don't know.

I do understand why he doesn't want more kids, he's had all his 20s raising kids, even though his youngest is only 4 he has them every weekend, but he wants to live now, travel, have freedom, have fun, and you can't do all those things with full time kids or a baby. I want those things as well. I like the freedom of no kids in a way.

But I've always been very family and home focused, but I know people have that with step families too, I'm just afraid I'll never feel part of it fully, like I've missed out, like I have nothing, afraid and scared, regretting never having a baby of my own to love and care for. And then afraid if I didn't and me and him did stay together and do fun things, it's easy for him to do that because he has kids and can still do those things, I'd have to give up ever having any.

I'm just really really scared of making any choice, fearing it'll be the wrong one. I feel constantly sick about how things are between me and him right now and the unknown, I can't take break ups, can't take being alone, I feel like a total failure in everything in my life and I really don't like my life at all.

It's long distance still because we live about 200 miles apart, and were taking it slow with him having kids and all, then he's scared of taking a full chance again after being so hurt by his last two ex's and used, it was me going to be moving to be with him down there, leaving what little family I have here so I don't know how he can think I'm messing him about at all.

We have spoken about marriage yes and we both wanted that, I really wish I lived down where he does so we weren't apart through these times and that we could maybe do counselling.

I'm just scared of making the big move down to where he lives as well, it's huge me leaving here, even though I don't have much I have a few family. I have no friends and he does and he's making plans with them to do things, that scares me as well, as if I wouldn't be the main thing in his life if I did move.

I'm just so so confused and scared and feeling sick all the time.

Last edited by x Maria x; 16th December 2016 at 6:19 PM..
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Old 11th January 2017, 2:13 PM   #4
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I feel the same

Hi, your post really spoke to me because I am going through the same thing.

When I met my now ex-husband he made it clear he didn't want to have anymore kids because he had 4, but at the time, I wasn't taking him too seriously so I said, "yeah sure." I was 26 at the time and he was 36.

Fast forward, we got married and lived together, but because his kids had keys to his apartment and walked in whenever they wanted, I actually moved back home. His apt was too small for my things and his kids things so I made that choice and I was happy at home. We saw each nearly everyday anyway.

I taught the kids how to drive, I bought them things, and they appreciated me for it. To this day, they still love me and care for me. I have no issue with them. They've always respected me and I them. But when I hit 32, I began to realize that I wanted kids and his stance on the matter stayed the same. When I'd drive the kids to their graduations and proms, my ex husband would tear up and his kids had to console him. It made me jealous and angry that he got to feel those feelings and I just felt empty inside because I had no kids of my own.

This was the man I felt was my soulmate. Someone with whom I could share the rest of my life with and grow old with. He always said he loved and cared for me and we were together everyday, but I began to resent him more and more and the fighting and arguing started. It was a topic I couldn't let go.

My advice to you is if you are UNSURE if you want to have kids because of sleeping in, not doing enough, anxiety and all that, I say do it now! You must get all of these things out of your system, especially while you feel this way about your boyfriend. Take this time to schedule a trip, join a website where you can do things or meetup.com to make new friends. Pretend like your life is going to end by Dec 2017. You must do all of this so you can prepare yourself for a baby.

Take it from me, you will regret it if you don't have a child. Probably not now, but when you hit 50 you are going to regret your decision so much it'll question your worth as a woman. You will feel left out, you will feel like no one will ever love you, and you will feel like you will grow old alone with no one to take you to the doctor. You will become jealous of everyone who gets pregnant from your Facebook list. New pregnancies, pregnancies with a sibling, twins, triplets. That will make you cry, you will be sad, and you will hurt 2x as much as pining away for a boyfriend who doesn't give a sh*t about your feelings. Do you think he's going to go through life all by himself? His children will be there for him in the good and the bad. Once you're over there, you will see them hug him and call him, "Dad" and you will be hurt because no one will ever call you, "Mom." Even if your future step kids call you Mom it won't feel the same. Nothing in life will fill the void of not having children especially if it's because YOU made the choice to be with a man who doesn't want them.

I had to divorce my ex-husband, but it wasn't because I didn't love him. He just wouldn't give me what I wanted. I begged him to just give me his sperm. He wouldn't have to pay me child support. Each and every time he refused. I felt so low. How could someone who tells me his loves me do this to me? Sadly, we are still each in other's lives because neither of us can let go of the other.

So because we're now friends, things are different. He still calls me and texts me everyday. I've told him I can't do this. I've tried to end it completely by telling him I can't be friends, I told him I was going to sleep with someone else. Even though we were friends, it still felt like we were still together. So I decided to sleep with someone and when I told him, his heart broke and he cried. He said he lost his best friend. He said if he had known I was going to do this, he'd have given me a child, but once he wiped his tears, he went right back to denying me the one thing I want.

So I started dating others, but now I don't tell him. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to lose his friendship. I even joined a website to match people with sperm donors because I can't afford to waste anymore time. I thought about sperm banks, and asking male friends if they'd be willing to donate. It's hard when your little fantasy of how you thought you're life will be pops.

Please go out and meet other men or go to a sperm bank to have a child. You think you're making this choice because YOU don't want kids. But it's to please him. He doesn't love you. If he did, you'd have children by now. Don't waste your time. You can be friends. The pain of this will pass. The pain of not having a child will last until you're on your death bed.

Hope this advice helps.
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Old 22nd January 2017, 2:45 PM   #5
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A lot may disagree with me but here is my input: When it comes to the question of children you need to be careful. Think about what you really want. If you cannot say for 100% sure that you would not want kids, this relationship may not work Your still young enough you may decide you want kids. If you end up marrying or taking a similar step and that occurs, there could be problems You may end up upset with him (even if passively) if you start to want kids and he absolutely wants no no more.
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