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Will this be the road to estrangement... [UPDATED 2017]


Parenting Discuss tips, concerns, and all the mayhem involved in raising kids.

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Old 21st November 2016, 3:50 PM   #16
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OP:

What are your feelings about alcohol?

It's actually much more dangerous than pot:

Physically
Mentally
Socially

I'd be much more concerned if she was drinking to excess, than I would be with her smoking any quantity of pot.

Better would be to do neither, but thats nothing that could be imposed on anyone.
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Old 21st November 2016, 4:08 PM   #17
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You shouldn't have to feel obligated to buy a car for (I've never had a car bought for me) or pay education for your adult child.

But I do have to say that doing anything to specifically hinder your child's ability to get an education in order to improve their life seems about as counter productive as it gets.

I'm in the overreaction boat, lots of people smoke pot everyday. Is it the healthiest thing? No. But neither is drinking or smoking, or eating double cheese burgers.
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Old 21st November 2016, 4:43 PM   #18
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The idea of parents paying for anything is totally alien to me.

I never asked, and they never offered.

I left home shortly before my 17th birthday, and never slept there for one night after that.

I paid my own way through university, and established myself in a respected profession, with no help from anyone.

It was hard, but it was a blast and I enjoyed it.

I loved it, in fact.

At one point I had a night job and a day job, and went straight from one to the other.

But here and now in the present, I have no debt whatsoever.

The easy way might be easy, but not necessarily the most fun.

I'd happily do it all again.
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Old 21st November 2016, 4:57 PM   #19
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Same here Satu!

Bought my own car. Paid my way through school. Got myself into the career world...worked 7 days a week for 3 years. Bought myself a farm.

Did all this while being a daily pot smoker too. It's in the person...not their substance. Thats just a symptom of the issue.
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Old 21st November 2016, 5:19 PM   #20
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I hear what you are saying, but tuition has skyrocketed much faster than the inflation of basically anything else over the last few decades.

My point is that there are a lot of ways to punish your adult child who lives at home, but taking away the opportunity you were providing for them to go to school seems like the worst way I can think of.

Also, to the OP, you've mentioned that your daughter has symptoms like anger (which have nothing to do with pot use) and that your daughter feels like the pot helps her, although you don't say with what. It seems pretty clear that you daughter may have one more more underlying conditions that is affecting her daily life, but why are you not focused on that, rather than the pot use?

For example I know it's really common for the children of those parents who decide they don't believe in ADHD (but still have a child with ADHD) to end up turning to pot to self medicate without even realizing it.
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Old 21st November 2016, 5:39 PM   #21
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My parents paid my tuition (out of a college fund they had since I was little) and my car and it's not something I'm ashamed of, especially since it gave me a very nice leg up to transition into the adult world and to become financially comfortable. It doesn't mean I didn't work, but it relieved me of additional stresses.

I also spend the first two college years partying it up, doing crazy things and passing all my classes despite spending a few of them hungover. It happens, it's part of growing up and exploring. My parents also knew about it and never cut me off.

However, I still say that you have every right to not pay for your daughter's car and tuition if you don't trust her and agree with her choices. But maybe just think about what good it does for her in the long run?
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Old 21st November 2016, 6:51 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by noelle303 View Post
My parents paid my tuition (out of a college fund they had since I was little) and my car and it's not something I'm ashamed of, especially since it gave me a very nice leg up to transition into the adult world and to become financially comfortable. It doesn't mean I didn't work, but it relieved me of additional stresses.

I also spend the first two college years partying it up, doing crazy things and passing all my classes despite spending a few of them hungover. It happens, it's part of growing up and exploring. My parents also knew about it and never cut me off.

However, I still say that you have every right to not pay for your daughter's car and tuition if you don't trust her and agree with her choices. But maybe just think about what good it does for her in the long run?
There's nothing wrong with any of that, but very different to my own experience.

We do what we do with choices available to us.
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Old 21st November 2016, 8:37 PM   #23
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she will never forgive you if you kick her out of your house, she will just carry on with pot

she might end up on the streets, unable to be in your house, which will no longer be her home

who pays for the pot?
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Old 22nd November 2016, 12:18 AM   #24
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This drug of choice....has the upper hand.

My mom was still my mom no matter what my age or title of "adult"
.
This family member is using rehab as her get out of jail card. Clearly she abuses it the same way she does the thc rush .
I've no positive reward to give a person who underhandedly uses a facility as a hiding place. Don't send her to rehab....other folks need that counsel.

Opium is legal in some countries....doesn't make it safe...healthy ...or a vitamin ...just that some ppl on the stuff passed it as acceptable to consume.

Straight up tell her that you love her enough to let her grow. And she can grow bad lungs and poor grades on her own...entirely.
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Old 26th November 2016, 1:17 AM   #25
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It's not your job to teach an 'adult' how to behave. It is your job to set the rules in YOUR home and abide by them. She is then free to do whatever she wants.

If she wants financial support, just like any financial institution she might go to, she abides by the rules of that institution. Yours includes mandatory drug tests. She doesn't like it? Tough. Go get a loan.

You're doing Authoritative Parenting, the preferred method for raising kids. And yes, she's still acting like a kid, so this is what she gets. Set the rules, step back and let them choose to abide by the rules...or not. If not, she no longer has access to the benefits of Bank Family. Period. Her choice. *shrug*

Kids who choose to buck the system usually eventually 'figure it out.' After a period of failures in life. Huh. Whodathunkit? My parents knew what they were talking about after all.

As far as living in your home, by the time my DD26 was 15, she knew our 'rule.' Once you graduate high school, you can do one of three things - go to college and succeed in college and we'll help pay for it; stay home and go to local college and we'll pay for most or all of it; or stay home and get a job and PAY RENT. Of course there was choice #4 - move out. She knew my rules. She knew I mean business. She never questioned it because I never wavered.

The 'never wavered' part is the secret.
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Old 26th November 2016, 1:18 AM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by darkmoon View Post
she will never forgive you if you kick her out of your house, she will just carry on with pot

she might end up on the streets, unable to be in your house, which will no longer be her home

who pays for the pot?
What a crock.

Guess what? Kids grow up. And realize their parents were right.
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Old 26th November 2016, 1:24 AM   #27
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I do want to say something, though. You seem very heavy-fisted about the drug testing and my first sense is that you are a SHAMER. Meaning you have 'my way or the highway' rules and expectations and that, because of that, she rebelled, and she rebelled HARD.

If that's true, my assessment of your 'authoritative parenting' is shifting toward 'authoritarian parenting' - which is absolutely the WORST way to raise a child and the one way most likely to ensure a child who will do the opposite of what you want - JUST BECAUSE.

Meaning that you lost your chance at a real connection with your young adult child. She learned long ago that you are NOT to be trusted, that you WILL judge her without listening to her, and that she will no way in hell become like YOU.

I hope you will take the time to do some real research on the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting. It may not be too late, if you are of the latter type. But you have to acknowledge that you did it wrong.
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Old 26th November 2016, 3:52 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by VeveCakes View Post
Lack responsibility and drive is not pots fault!

People always want to blame cannabis but the truth is if it weren't pot it would be something else with your daughter.

Weed helps many people and many people are successful who use every day, I am one of them. Weed does not make one lazy. It does not take away ones will to succeed.

Maybe you should consider easing off the hatred of pot and see what else might be happening in your daughters life. The constant nagging over something that is legal in many areas of the world seems to me like beating a dead horse. Not to mention the notion of pot being "bad" and a "gateway drug" just shows how out dated your views are and that perhaps your daughter is more in tune with the current world than you are.

See what else is happening in her life. Come at her like a friend, not an enemy who is threatening something that she very well may need to feel good in life.
I have a best friend who is a mental healthcare therapist who has been smoking since we were 11. She was always an honor student. Got into the Navy and graduated from College and has 2 masters degrees. Pot did not affect her life. I can agree that for some this may help take the edge off.

But with my daughters personality and underlying diagnosis of oppositional defiance disorder this is a disastrous combination.

I can say that we she doesn't smoke she is a more pleasant person to deal with. I don't believe smoking is for everyone. If it were 100% safe it would be legal all over the world. It obviously can be abused to the point where it just doesn't affect the person smoking it but others around the person.
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Old 26th November 2016, 3:58 PM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satu View Post
OP:

What are your feelings about alcohol?

It's actually much more dangerous than pot:

Physically
Mentally
Socially

I'd be much more concerned if she was drinking to excess, than I would be with her smoking any quantity of pot.

Better would be to do neither, but thats nothing that could be imposed on anyone.
Because alcohol is legal I expect that my kids if they choose, handle this responsibly.

I already had an incident where my son got drunk last year and was missing after a party in the city. The friends came home without him the next morning and I had to file a missing person's report with the police. After going through what was the worst feeling a parent can go through later on that day my son woke from his drunken state in another borough and it turned out some other young adults found him layed out on the street and decided to take him home with them to sleep it off and have him call us when he awoke.

We went to pick him up and I was grateful. Too many people wind up dead after going missing from any parties in the city.

My son learned his lesson and has not drank like that since! I think some people realize when they go through serious situations that the consumption or getting high is not worth it.
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Old 26th November 2016, 4:00 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GunslingerRoland View Post
You shouldn't have to feel obligated to buy a car for (I've never had a car bought for me) or pay education for your adult child.

But I do have to say that doing anything to specifically hinder your child's ability to get an education in order to improve their life seems about as counter productive as it gets.

I'm in the overreaction boat, lots of people smoke pot everyday. Is it the healthiest thing? No. But neither is drinking or smoking, or eating double cheese burgers.
I agree. I don't want to hinder her future. At the same time she needs to understand and appreciate what we do for her and try a lot less to disappoint us.

We work long hours to provide her a good life. She should do her part to honor that.
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