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Will this be the road to estrangement... [UPDATED 2017]


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Old 1st November 2017, 8:39 PM   #196
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I would not wish your situation on anyone !!! But I have say reading through your posts it appears that you have allowed her behavior to bring yours down to her level but you are the adult. I can't say I would respond better but please consider getting help yourself. Your responses indicate you have lost the handle on yourself as well. A very sad situation.
Please get help. You are no help to her or yourself ..
Yes Hecan,

Its been tough and yes I have been to therapy. Right now she wants to be at home but she wants to be selfish and I cant do that. I told her not to expect much from me if this is the way she wants to do this.
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Old 5th November 2017, 12:33 PM   #197
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Update...

My D asked to meet with us 2 weeks ago and apologized for her behavior and asked to come home. We had a long conversation and came to a certain agreement that could work in both our favors.

Right now she has been home for a few days and I don't feel the same peace I did when she was not here. She has already told us some lies and we wanted to speak to her BF to be clear about our house rules and her use of our car. We scheduled 2 meetings but he bailed on both. It seems he wants her to be his taxi and we aren't having that being he doesn't care to be in our presence. She had the car for 3 days and drove 128 miles total. when we asked where she went she said she went nowhere. Now we will limit her car use to just work.

I have not made any promises to her. I do want to see how this plays out. If she can respect and be responsible. I feel she is missing the mark most times. Not by much, but she is. I guess I can interpret this as trying but I have yet to feel like it will be smooth sailing.
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Old 5th November 2017, 5:27 PM   #198
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My D asked to meet with us 2 weeks ago and apologized for her behavior and asked to come home. We had a long conversation and came to a certain agreement that could work in both our favors.

Right now she has been home for a few days and I don't feel the same peace I did when she was not here. She has already told us some lies and we wanted to speak to her BF to be clear about our house rules and her use of our car. We scheduled 2 meetings but he bailed on both. It seems he wants her to be his taxi and we aren't having that being he doesn't care to be in our presence. She had the car for 3 days and drove 128 miles total. when we asked where she went she said she went nowhere. Now we will limit her car use to just work.

I have not made any promises to her. I do want to see how this plays out. If she can respect and be responsible. I feel she is missing the mark most times. Not by much, but she is. I guess I can interpret this as trying but I have yet to feel like it will be smooth sailing.
It's nice that you're giving your daughter another chance. Of course you're being cautious given what she has done in the past.

Does your daughter pay for gas or any other automobile related expenses? If so, do her adult contributions mean anything in terms of her freedoms with your car? What mileage is acceptable in your eyes? Your daughter should be saving up for her own car if she wants to drive wherever she wants.

If your daughter is missing the mark, then boundaries and consequences need to be expressed again.
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Old 9th November 2017, 12:25 PM   #199
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My D asked to meet with us 2 weeks ago and apologized for her behavior and asked to come home. We had a long conversation and came to a certain agreement that could work in both our favors.

Right now she has been home for a few days and I don't feel the same peace I did when she was not here. She has already told us some lies and we wanted to speak to her BF to be clear about our house rules and her use of our car. We scheduled 2 meetings but he bailed on both. It seems he wants her to be his taxi and we aren't having that being he doesn't care to be in our presence. She had the car for 3 days and drove 128 miles total. when we asked where she went she said she went nowhere. Now we will limit her car use to just work.

I have not made any promises to her. I do want to see how this plays out. If she can respect and be responsible. I feel she is missing the mark most times. Not by much, but she is. I guess I can interpret this as trying but I have yet to feel like it will be smooth sailing.
It's a good start on some level. Of course trust has to be rebuilt and she has to try her best to earn your trust and stop lying. Just take it day by day and hope for the best and maybe don't expect too much too soon.
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Old 25th November 2017, 10:19 PM   #200
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Its been 4 weeks...

Since my D has been home. While she has steady work the issue is more so about contributing to the household. I have asked her for $30 a week which she had a fit about and we got into a very big argument. She said I am not giving you s***.

I told her that she is an adult and we are treating her like one. That she needs to respect our home and help pay bills. I told her until she gave me some money I would not allow her to use my car and if she didn't give anything at all she needs to go.

This set her off. She came at me and starting pointing her finger and hitting me on my head with it. Then I got up and grabbed her by the shirt and told her to never put her hands on me again and told her to get out. She stormed off . She texted me an apology for putting her hands on me then called me to say she hated me and then said she was killing herself. Later she walked in the house went upstairs crying, screaming and throwing things and said it again and again. Saying she hated her life.

I called the police who came over and told her that what she was saying was grounds to take her to a hospital but she kept saying I do extra and make her upset. They didn't take her anywhere but she had the nerve to ask them for a ride to her BF's house which they didn't oblige. t obvious the girl has no fear of authority and I do not trust what she can do next to me. I believe she acted this way to try and manipulate me and it wasn't going to happen.

The police told her she was 20 and free to leave. I told her the same. I wont object anymore. I am not going to be manipulated and allow her to be a freeloader in my home. She will not threaten me to get what she wants.

She was picked up later on by the BF. Before she left she asked me what time was I leaving on Thanksgiving to see my parents and that she wanted to go with me. On Thanksgiving where we barely spoke. At the dinner table my brother in law had to drag out of her what she was thankful for. Which honestly I felt was nothing. I dropped her back off at the BF's apt and then Friday morning she texted and then told me to withdraw $30 from her account.

She wanted to come home and I told her that I wasn't going to deal with her outbursts anymore of when she thinks she can't have or do whatever she wants. That there will be consequences to her disrespect.

I am also trying to get her dad to help and give me CS again to save for school but he insists on either handing my D money that I will never see or lowballing me. So looks like I will need to go to court again. Just very frustrating.

The peace I had before is gone and I don't like this feeling. Maybe coming home was a mistake.
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Old 28th November 2017, 2:51 PM   #201
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Breaks my heart you are still in the cycle. She does not need to be back under your roof until there has been a good 6 months to a year of healthy interaction between the two of you where she does not throw fits, blame, or demand.


Everything leading up to her moving back in with you was the same behavior, the only things she did to get back in your house was say ok to your rules which is nothing then lip service. Then she 100% back tracked as soon as she was back in because nothing inside of her has changed. There is an old song I used to sing as a child at church that went like this:


"Oh your walk talks, and your talk talks, but your walk talks more then your talk talks so when you walk and you talk remember your walk, talks the loudest.


Her walk has not changed. Her actions has not changed. Let her go and reclaim your peace.
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Old 28th November 2017, 2:52 PM   #202
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Does your ex CS supposed to continue past age of 18?


My DH has the same stance of your ex. He will not give any money to the ex after SS turned 18 and graduated. We help SS directly and she cannot take us to court for that.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 10:41 AM   #203
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Thanks Globug.

I was successful in speaking to my ex H and he is willing to collaborate with me to help our D with her future. He now says he will not give her money directly as she has been lying about what it is for. Yes in NY CS is up to the age of 21 and includes college costs.

We compared stories and my D told him I am asking for $80 a week as opposed to $30. Says she has all kinds of background checks for jobs to pay for and he told me he has been sending her money and she in turn has told me he hasn't.

I don't know where the money he sends her is going but I know its not me and towards her future. He agreed to send me money directly to save for school and we will be speaking to her next weekend.

You are right Globug. I need to feel some time where it is a healthier and more trusting relationship.

This week she gave me pushback again about the $30. I simply told her if she couldn't give me the money then there will not be a car. The purpose of the car was to help her gain more work. Which she has but if her intention is not to help me then there will be no car period. I can always return this to the dealer.

I told her she needed to grow up and realize life isn't free. Someone is paying for the car she drives, the hot water she bathes in the room in which she sleeps, food she eats, etc.. Its sad that I am explaining this to a 20 year old that swears she is 14. But I reminded her that when she walks out of my home she wants to act like an adult. Sleep over her BF's and stay out late.

I feel like she is feeling the seriousness of my words and tone. I don't argue back with her now. I say my piece and keep it moving and remind her that she can leave at any time. My life will not be affected. I told her she needed to do a better job of managing her work cases, and managing her money. If she doesn't have any then that is her issue.

I may not have the same peace but I will not let her take advantage of me and wont put up with nonsense.
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Old 11th December 2017, 6:51 PM   #204
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Still telling lies to me...

My D said she was starting a new job today at a daycare. I decided to plant my extra phone in the car to track her moves.

Guess what No job. Alot of hanging out and driving her BF all over Northern Westchester in my car. Then they had lunch and went back to his mother's where she will stay until 6 then come home to BS me.

Tell me.if I am wrong to take the car away for good. I'm done.
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Old 12th December 2017, 3:32 AM   #205
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My D said she was starting a new job today at a daycare. I decided to plant my extra phone in the car to track her moves.

Guess what No job. Alot of hanging out and driving her BF all over Northern Westchester in my car. Then they had lunch and went back to his mother's where she will stay until 6 then come home to BS me.

Tell me.if I am wrong to take the car away for good. I'm done.
This is not good news. I was really hoping she had woken up a bit and put effort into changing and making things better. I'm so sorry that this isn't working out right now. (I'm optimistic when she hits rock bottom, I mean really rock bottom she'll want to change for the better and get help) She has continued to lie to you yet pretend all is 'good' with her. It's manipulative and taking advantage of yet another chance you've given her.

You are not wrong taking the car from her. Don't explain how you know what she's been doing. (though you could mention the car mileage)

She's told many lies and has been a good actress (enough that you started believing her a bit again) and there are consequences to what she's done.
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Old 12th December 2017, 7:47 PM   #206
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My D said she was starting a new job today at a daycare. I decided to plant my extra phone in the car to track her moves.

Guess what No job. Alot of hanging out and driving her BF all over Northern Westchester in my car. Then they had lunch and went back to his mother's where she will stay until 6 then come home to BS me.

Tell me.if I am wrong to take the car away for good. I'm done.
What do you think?
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Old 13th December 2017, 12:35 AM   #207
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I know.i.am right...but she won't admit when she is wrong.

This morning she got up and demanded I drive her to the boyfriends. I said no and I told her she should be asking my forgiveness. Not a ride.

She started.getting upset and.kept telling me to shut up. Then she grabbed her bag and jacket and started walking out the door. She she got to the doorway she called me names and left.

She didn't come back home and I am beside.myself with the pain and hurt that she causes me. I don't care to do anything else. I am done.

She is broken. I.dont want to be her mother.

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Old 13th December 2017, 3:31 AM   #208
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I know.i.am right...but she won't admit when she is wrong.

This morning she got up and demanded I drive her to the boyfriends. I said no and I told her she should be asking my forgiveness. Not a ride.

She started.getting upset and.kept telling me to shut up. Then she grabbed her bag and jacket and started walking out the door. She she got to the doorway she called me names and left.

She didn't come back home and I am beside.myself with the pain and hurt that she causes me. I don't care to do anything else. I am done.

She is broken. I.dont want to be her mother.
I'm sorry for your pain.

I don't know what else to say except let her go...Get some counseling in to help you process this all and that it doesn't eat you up.

She clearly has issues that she's not ready to face or deal with. She must know her latest hurtful words to you were damaging, enough to know she isn't welcome back in the house.

You have a kind and open heart. It's just time to put the walls up with her for a long time and hope that (if) there's a time where she proves to you she can be trustworthy again, that you two can talk. Her days of living with you aren't working and it's only causing you pain and strife.
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Old 18th December 2017, 9:10 PM   #209
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Thanks Everyone.

I have to watch how I explain my daughter's behavior and words here.

She is home but she has made it clear that the source of her anger is me. She doesn't want to really talk about anything. She wants to stay in her room. She starts her new job tomorrow. Hopefully working with children will change her in some way too.

Right now she is in a rug sweeping stage that has me bothered. I told her that If she is upset about anything it doesn't giver her the right to speak to me in whatever tone she feels. I told her there would be consequences for everything she puts me through.

The holidays are coming up and I am on the fence about what exactly I want to do. Its not going to be the same without my some here. I just feel there will be a lot of phoniness all around.

I want to be in a happy place when it comes to her. Just don't know if that is ever going to happen.
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Old 19th December 2017, 12:02 AM   #210
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I'm not a fan of how either of you are coexisting, but I have to blame it on you.

"Right now she is in a rug sweeping stage that has me bothered. I told her that If she is upset about anything it doesn't giver her the right to speak to me in whatever tone she feels. I told her there would be consequences for everything she puts me through."

How does this make any sense? I truly don't understand.

Discussions get emotional for both mom and child. Let her get emotional. Let yourself become emotional. Why do you have to be an authority figure? Why can't you just be a mom? When is the last time you hugged your daughter?
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