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Will this be the road to estrangement... [UPDATED 2017]


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Old 14th September 2017, 6:12 PM   #181
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Respect has to be earned. Ive seen nothing that the daughter has done to earn her mothers respect. Her mom can love her unconditionally, but that doesnt include respect. Just the fact that she trashed her mothers house and didnt take care of her dog when she said she would be enough for me.
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Old 16th September 2017, 11:30 PM   #182
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I agree.

It's hard to expect respect when you don't even have a firm grasp on what the word means.
I do know what it means... but my daughter doesn't and lacks insight. The fact that our relationship is what it is, feels unreal to me.

i have spoken to her again this week although I didn't want to.

She let me know she got a phone and I told her congratulation's. She did try to press me to prepay for this on Monday and simply that told her patience was a virtue. I kept my cool and said I could not help her nicely. That she would figure out. She was not happy with that but that is what happened.

I have been trying not to engage in anymore negative conversations. As soon as she starts saying f words I let her know I cant talk anymore. I don't care for it. Honestly I don't call her at all. She reaches out to me only when she wants something.

When I talk about her here on this site I know I do not address her in the most loving of ways, I am upset over this whole thing. I do love my D. I am doing my best to keep living, staying healthy and dealing with the aftermath of all of this. Just trying to adjust living mostly without her in my life.


I am not going to blame myself for what she does and how she is. That is not my fault. No one said I was perfect. But I tried everything I possibly could to help her and nothing worked. I was a mom who wanted better for their D and gave her an opportunity and advice. Whether she took it or left it was on her. She cant expect me to open my arms ad hand her the world while she disrespected us an our home.
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Old 17th September 2017, 5:22 AM   #183
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So you take zero responsibility for any of the way things played out. I figured as much.

The only way you'd accept her is if she did everything exactly just the way you wanted her to.

Control freak much?
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Old 17th September 2017, 10:58 AM   #184
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So you take zero responsibility for any of the way things played out. I figured as much.

The only way you'd accept her is if she did everything exactly just the way you wanted her to.

Control freak much?
Amysngrace,

Seriously what is your issue? Do you have children, adult children? I don't post here to be judged. I appreciate the advice of others who may have more insight on this.

Perhaps you are like my D and don't like hearing the truth.

When you have kids they are your responsibility until they leave the home. While they live with the parents they should honor and respect their parents. They should obey the rules of the home. The parents are the ones who provide.

Any kid who believes they can do what they want and don't have to respect their family or house rules is out of their mind and disturbed.

As a parent I don't have to tolerate that and I don't. I am not going to allow her to force her will on me when what she is doing is wrong.

So if you don't want to add anything helpful or supportive please don't say anything at all. I really don't appreciate the personal attacks. First you want to mention the infidelity in my M as part of the problem and now I am a control freak? Madam you don't know me. If you did you would know that I am someone who is considered a wonderful person. I control my own life and won't let my manipulative D control me.

Saying no is not controlling her. Saying no means no more taking advantage.period point blank.
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Old 18th September 2017, 10:48 AM   #185
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It would also be in her best interest to want to be like me.
I've tried to help bring awareness to this situation from an outsider's perspective. I was genuinely trying to get through to you in any way I could and I apologize if my approach was too direct for you.

It seems as though you think you are perfect but I must say that part of being a good parent is recognizing just what your children's needs are and adapting to them in a way that gets through to them to help encourage that they become the very best they can be.

Belittling her in public, calling her friends losers, cussing at her and using physical force are certainly no ways to get the best result from anyone which sadly you're now seeing.

You want her to be more like you but unfortunately I suspect you are going to be the person she learned how not to be like from.

I wish you both well.
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Old 1st October 2017, 10:55 AM   #186
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I helped my kids the best i could. I have 2. She is the only one who chose drugs and guys over her family. Unfortunately this is a real issue that has nothing to do with me wanting her to be anything liked me.

I tried to help her realize her dreams, i paid for college, a car, esthetics school when she said this is what she wanted and then she ran off. When she came home after a few months we tried it again. she lied about not smoking and was chasing yet another guy. Found a job in another town where she knew we would have to drive and totaled our car on the first day of work. Then got upset with us because she didn't want to work, or clean or help around the house. We should hand her everything with no expectation.

That way of thinking doesn't make sense and I would never submit to that. Its been a while now. Not having her home is hard. But her being home is harder. There is a level of respect and even a healthy fear that you should have when it comes to parents and it just doesn't exist with her.

When I hear from her now its random texts to send me a picture of herself and maybe a rant of what she needs. I don't respond. She so desperately wanted a phone and tried to threaten me to pay for it. Now that she has done it on her own she has yet to call me. If I were important I would hear from her. She would want to share with me. But she doesn't. I don't call her because she owes me many apologies. I cant just overlook the disrespect.

Maybe this generation thinks they can do whatever they want their way but it wont be at my expense. I did my job. I did help her and that got tossed back in my face. I don't have thousands to waste but this is what she did to us and then left and expected us to continue to fork over cash and privileges that she would probably share with her friend. But that wont happen. They will need to figure it out like we all have.

I love my D and pray for her everyday. That's all I can do until she realizes what she has done to her family and to herself.

Her habits are an issue. Hopefully she will drop them one day.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 7:36 PM   #187
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She is who she is right now, the drugs and whatever else she's into has changed her. She's not the daughter she once was. And that's NOT your fault. You can only do so much. (I've said this before but it's nice to acknowledge it and say it again.)

I'm hoping someday she'll have her wake up call/hit rock bottom and get the help she needs. But until that day comes, continue to detach and love her from afar. Addictions have stolen her identity.

I'm sorry for your pain and heartache. This isn't easy on you or anybody else in your family.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 9:15 PM   #188
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Its been tough. My son is home this week. He deploys next month to the middle east. My D wanted to see him and called ranting, raving and crying because she didn't feel important. She said she didn't take a 12 hour shift thinking that she would see him. I told her he could meet her later on in the evening. But she said no. She goes to bed at 10 and needs to be rested for a long shift the next day.

At that moment I was like...oh really sounds familiar. But then she was like this isn't the time to make your point. But I was glad she sees it. My mom had sent her a check for her birthday and my son forgot to take it to her. They showed up to the house and I was surprised to see her there.

While I wasn't nasty and she didn't stay long this did create a big fight between myself and my H who felt she should have apologized before she walked in the door.

I agreed with him. But we had company over and this was not the time to say those things. She was in and out so it didn't phase me but it did bother him.

She didn't look well. She mentioned she bought her BF a phone and some apple watches. She said that she sold some of her shoes online and takes surveys sometimes for cash.

It was very disheartening. But I didn't say anything. Then she left. Afterwards I texted her about showing up and not apologizing in advance. She of course thinks she did nothing wrong. After I reminded her she was like yeah, ok, eventually. I didn't say anything else.

This morning she asked me for a bottle of perfume but I ignored that request.

I wish she could see how she is throwing her life away. Its hard to see one child thrive and the other take a dive. I don't wish this on anyone.
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Old 4th October 2017, 12:26 AM   #189
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Some kids thrive on direction, on discipline, they toe the line nearly every step of their lives.

Some kids question authority and seem to lack discipline. They create chaos and disrupt our own sense of rule.

Strong parents don't push our strong - willed children to "hit rock bottom" to suit our own convictions.
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Old 6th October 2017, 8:57 PM   #190
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What is rock bottom these days? I feel like that doesn't exist.
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Old 14th October 2017, 10:15 PM   #191
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I'm wondering why your daughter mentioned "not feeling important."
Do you think she struggles with being seen as "the problem child" while your son is viewed in a much more positive light? I'm not asking because I blame you for preferring your son's company-of course you do. He's easier to deal with. I'm asking to possibly provide insight into your daughter's behavior.

I was never good enough for my mother despite being a well behaved child who did well in school. As I grew into my teens, I had very little freedom and my mother became even harsher and often abusive while catering to my younger brother. I left home in my early twenties because I couldn't take the abuse anymore and it was making me want to kill myself. My parents treated me like an embarrassment because I had mental health issues rather than caring about my well being. My mom made it clear that she preferred my brother to me. It's easy to see why he was well adjusted; he was rarely disciplined and treated far better. Now that I am doing well, my mother would like to be friends but I don't think that would be healthy for me.

The people who need love and care are often the ones who deserve it the least. I know your daughter needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and feel the consequences of her actions. I just think that some kindness and understanding could go a long way. Coming down hard on her could just worsen the situation.
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Old 15th October 2017, 11:18 AM   #192
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Hi Betty,

First let me say that I love both my son and D equally. Raising kids is a hard job. While my son did not receive the same amount of punishments as my D I would say it was because for the most part he followed our rules and did his best to stay out of trouble. If he was doing something underhanded we never knew about it.

Of course there were more restrictions with our D. She just couldn't do anything and everything she wanted. We always thought of her safety first. As a young woman she is more vulnerable to things and of course we wanted to protect her. She of course thought this was us keeping a tight leash on her. Wanting to know where she is and with who is pretty normal for kids and parents but not with her. Of course this resistance only made us believe she was up to no good and had things to hide.

There was no reason to be this way unless she didn't care to hear how we felt about what she was doing. Right or wrong she was going to do whatever she wanted to do. Which has always was and is still the case. So with this said, as a parent and as her family we have no value. So why is she now so important? Its a two way street. Are we supposed to factor her into our lives and plans while she is off doing her own thing and is only interested when it benefits her?

Just today I mentioned to her that my son's GF invited me to lunch which I thought was sweet. My D calls ands asks me what time we were going. I told her I wasn't sure, why? She says because she wants to eat too. I had to explain to her that the invitation was extended to me. The young lady wants to get to know me and establish a relationship with me. That this was not a free for all where I would rudely add another person to the bill when I was invited.

My D is clearly very immature. She is jealous as well as she called her my new D. My D never wanted to anything with me and it wasn't because I never wanted her to. She chose her friends all of the time. Listened to them.

If she were better mentally I would want to have a better relationship with her as well. I would think that at point the things I told her made sense and that my protection was not abuse. Its me loving my D and keeping her safe. Not everyone has that.

As a young girl I remember getting a big butt whooping over heading out to a party where there would be older guys. My brother told on me and this was intercepted. My friends still went and one of them later on that evening was raped by 4 men that were at this party. While I was upset that I got in big trouble over this I appreciate my brother's big mouth and the butt whooping because at the end of the day that could of been me.

But of course the way we discipline our kids these days and try to protect them is governed by laws and our kids are smart enough now and told by their teachers to tell on us. This didn't stop my D from lying on us to get her way. She is just selfish. Until she grows up and realizes her wrongs things wont change. I am hoping whatever she experiences now will change her and hopefully mend our relationship so we ca forge a new one.

I hope that you can find a way to reconnect with your mom too. I am not sure what the extent of the abuse you say you endured, but perhaps you are misunderstanding the intention. Perhaps she can explain herself in a way that will help you to understand her POV.

As a kid growing up there is only but so much we know and understand. As an older adult I completely get where my parents came from and why they were the way there were. Do I hate them? No, I love them and enjoy the relationship we have now.

Good luck to you.
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Old 19th October 2017, 5:45 PM   #193
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Hi Betty,

First let me say that I love both my son and D equally. Raising kids is a hard job. While my son did not receive the same amount of punishments as my D I would say it was because for the most part he followed our rules and did his best to stay out of trouble. If he was doing something underhanded we never knew about it.

Of course there were more restrictions with our D. She just couldn't do anything and everything she wanted. We always thought of her safety first. As a young woman she is more vulnerable to things and of course we wanted to protect her. She of course thought this was us keeping a tight leash on her. Wanting to know where she is and with who is pretty normal for kids and parents but not with her. Of course this resistance only made us believe she was up to no good and had things to hide.

There was no reason to be this way unless she didn't care to hear how we felt about what she was doing. Right or wrong she was going to do whatever she wanted to do. Which has always was and is still the case. So with this said, as a parent and as her family we have no value. So why is she now so important? Its a two way street. Are we supposed to factor her into our lives and plans while she is off doing her own thing and is only interested when it benefits her?

Just today I mentioned to her that my son's GF invited me to lunch which I thought was sweet. My D calls ands asks me what time we were going. I told her I wasn't sure, why? She says because she wants to eat too. I had to explain to her that the invitation was extended to me. The young lady wants to get to know me and establish a relationship with me. That this was not a free for all where I would rudely add another person to the bill when I was invited.

My D is clearly very immature. She is jealous as well as she called her my new D. My D never wanted to anything with me and it wasn't because I never wanted her to. She chose her friends all of the time. Listened to them.

If she were better mentally I would want to have a better relationship with her as well. I would think that at point the things I told her made sense and that my protection was not abuse. Its me loving my D and keeping her safe. Not everyone has that.

As a young girl I remember getting a big butt whooping over heading out to a party where there would be older guys. My brother told on me and this was intercepted. My friends still went and one of them later on that evening was raped by 4 men that were at this party. While I was upset that I got in big trouble over this I appreciate my brother's big mouth and the butt whooping because at the end of the day that could of been me.

But of course the way we discipline our kids these days and try to protect them is governed by laws and our kids are smart enough now and told by their teachers to tell on us. This didn't stop my D from lying on us to get her way. She is just selfish. Until she grows up and realizes her wrongs things wont change. I am hoping whatever she experiences now will change her and hopefully mend our relationship so we ca forge a new one.

I hope that you can find a way to reconnect with your mom too. I am not sure what the extent of the abuse you say you endured, but perhaps you are misunderstanding the intention. Perhaps she can explain herself in a way that will help you to understand her POV.

As a kid growing up there is only but so much we know and understand. As an older adult I completely get where my parents came from and why they were the way there were. Do I hate them? No, I love them and enjoy the relationship we have now.

Good luck to you.

I believe that my mother had the best of intentions. She just didn't know how to execute them in a constructive way. I don't hate my mom. I feel sorry for her because she blindly continued the cycle of abuse. I also appreciate her positive traits. Though I'm not a parent, I believe that it is better to be too strict than too permissive when raising kids. My generation is filled with overgrown babies who expect the world to cater to them. I'm glad that my parents instilled some discipline and morals. They just didn't need to use severe beatings for small mistakes or constant put downs. I spent my childhood feeling terrified all the time. As an adult, I choose to remain distant from my mother because she still has a habit of making unprovoked rude remarks.

Parenting seems like a thankless job and it's full of many risks. I believe that parents simply do the best with what they know and hope for the best. I also agree that your daughter shouldn't be able to take advantage of you. I'm not sure what kind of lies she told her teachers about your discipline methods but that must have been heartbreaking. I'm wondering if the tighter restrictions you placed on your daughter but not your son led to resentment and this level of rebellion. I'm only saying this because giving a son more freedom can be perceived by a daughter as sexism and unfairness.
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Old 29th October 2017, 11:46 AM   #194
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Perhaps my D did interpret the treatment as sexism, I don't know. But if she saw that his behavior got him more freedom she should have done the same.

My mom used to say a lot of rude and hurtful things to me too. She'd compare me and my sister while we were together and say how fat I was. She would make comments about my inability to make big dinners for my husband. She would ask me if I was on a diet and just other dumb and hurtful things. Honestly I chalk this off to ignorance. Perhaps her mom should have slapped her across the mouth when she was mouthy. I believe my mom always resented her mom for enjoying life and men. She used to compare her to me often. But I didn't care because we all choose to live how we do.

So an update on my D....

Right now she is ready to talk to us about the future. I am sure she is not happy with her life right now and she has asked to spend more time with me over the past couple of weeks which of course I was over the moon about and the best part was that it was drama free.

I am taking it one step at a time because I do not want any misunderstandings about either of our intentions. i think my son coming home for his visit and the time we spent together as a family stirred something in her heart. Let's see.
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Old 29th October 2017, 3:57 PM   #195
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It's about you too...

I would not wish your situation on anyone !!! But I have say reading through your posts it appears that you have allowed her behavior to bring yours down to her level but you are the adult. I can't say I would respond better but please consider getting help yourself. Your responses indicate you have lost the handle on yourself as well. A very sad situation.
Please get help. You are no help to her or yourself ..
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