My husband wants to start having kids and I don't because I'm 23 n career focused

[gentlehearted]

My husband and I just got married a year ago. We're both 23, and went to the same high school and middle school. But after high school he joined the marine core and I went to college to get my bachelors degree in arts for illustration. Before we both got married we openly discussed that we both wanted to have kids, we both were 1 of 3 siblings, and we both want a big family. However we hardly discussed what age we wanted them and such. After we got married we didn't talk about kids much because we were 22 so having babies was the last thing on my mind. The end of my school semester is coming up and I'm about to graduate with my BFA so bye bye college and hello working adult life. I already have an agent and I just got a contract to do a children's book for a big publishing company. Everything is falling into place and its been a slow long ride but I feel like all the studying and hard work I've done is starting to pay off. I had a pregnancy scare last summer and my agent told me that it was good I wasn't pregnant at the moment because it'd be detrimental to my career. Which I completely agree with because once you have a child, the child comes first. Thats why a lot of women in the freelance art field who have children have to put their career on hold because they're the ones who are directly impacted by having a child; carrying to term, birth, breast feeding, raising, constant supervision. you can't draw or paint while holding a child. I want to have a child when I actually have things to offer it, like stability (financial and emotional) and a sense of self thats better than the me I am right now at 23.

 

My husband on the other hand, wants to have kids next year. And he wants to have them back to back, which means I'd be having a child every year for ages 24, 25, and 26. I told him this morning that although his friends/family all have kids young their wives all want to be stay at home mothers and didn't want to go to school, which is awesome I support all moms, but thats not what I worked hard for. I didn't go to school for the majority of my life just to get out and throw away my book deals/dreams to have children young. If I got pregnant accidentally I'd have it. But I when I told him I don't want to start having babies till at least 26 or 27 he freaked out and got extremely irritated and upset with me. My husband's been really adamant recently about wanting to have kids soon which is why I finally had to tell him I don't want that right now. He doesn't know exactly what he wants to do in life, but he does know that he wants to be a dad. He's a great provider and an awesome person, I know he'd be a great dad. But it feels like because he doesn't have anything else that makes him feel purposeful he's fixated on having kids to maybe give him a purpose.

 

Right now he's at a psychiatric appointment for his PTSD. I go for anxiety, I think it's healthy to cope with things with the guidance of a therapist. I'm nervous though about when he comes back because his last words to me before we left were "Then we just won't have kids at all!" when I told him that I need more time to build my career for stability for our family.

 

What should I do, how should I handle this situation in a delicate way? He made it seem like I was being very selfish for depriving him of having kids early, but I feel like it'd be selfish for me to make babies for the sake of having them without having anything to offer them.

Edited November 15, 2016 by gentlehearted
misspelling

[anika99]

Your husband is being totally unreasonable. The smartest thing you can do is to get yourself established before having babies. At only 23 yrs old you still have at least 10 yrs if not more to plan your family. Don't let your husband bully you into having babies that you aren't ready to have. Getting yourself a career and financial security will be good for you and your future children. Your husband saying "then we just won't have kids at all" tells me that he is inflexible, and immature when it comes to compromise and resolving conflict which is another issue that should be tended to before you have children.

[lovingladyo4]

Almost sounds to me he is deliberately asking you to abandon yourself for him exclusively. There is something wrong with that picture. He is feeling pressure from somewhere for him to have behaved that way. Why is he fussing when he can't have his way??? Marriage is compromise and this warrants some sitting down and discussing the pros and cons to each. This is not a tug-of-war to see who will win. This needs to be anchored in mutual respect.

 

I think you touched on a nerve that might be at the core of your husband's demanding ways; and that is his lack of purpose. But sadly, this approach he chooses to use is just plain old selfish. There are more mature ways to resolve conflicts.

 

Could he be threatened by the fact that you already have purpose - apart from him? That you have invested some years of your life that have given you some identity? If he is jealous, then that nees to be addressed also. Sweetheart, I don't believe you are being selfish at all.

 

Your husband is dealng with his own set of crisis, and I personally believe that until he heals from his own issues, it's best to hold off having children if you have a choice. I'm hearing a little bit of controlling coming through his tone of voice. He'll need to get himself under control before attempting to control you.

 

Please pray and bring this situation before the Lord. He is your Father and he knows what kind of future will allow you to be the person He created you to be. Families are important to God. We are His children, so He knows perfectly well how to take care of us.

 

I truly hope things get resolved honey, and that you can work through this and have a peace of mind in the outcome.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm not sure why people get married without talking about stuff like that, but it's too late to go back and do that now.

 

Honestly your husband must belong to a very abnormal social circle for 2016 if the majority of his friends are starting to have kids around 23. People are having kids older than ever before. Trust me, picking up my kids at elementary school I find half the parents look more like grandparents than parents. Even waiting until 26-30 to have your children would put you as relatively young for these days. Very different than people waiting until their 40's to have kids like many do.

 

But personally I know that having children is a more pleasurable experience when the people you know have kids in the same age range.

[darkmoon]

he has PTSD you suffer with anxiety... you both need to recover first anyway, he needs to have a wage to pay for two adults + one baby at least, for three months minumum

[stillafool]

I can't blame you for not wanting to be a mother so young; however if you plan on having 4 or 5 kids you can't wait too long. One good thing about your occupation as an Author; you can work from home.

[RecentChange]

I can see two sides of this.

 

First, I think all of your concerns are EXTREMELY valid. This day and age, 23 is pretty young to be having kids. BUT there are some arguments for it. For one, you are at your reproductive prime. And there have actually been a number of studies (I have a degree in sociology) that show that early motherhood can actually be a positive when it comes to a woman’s career. The long story short, is that this way, you get the “heavy lifting” part of child rearing out of the way, before you become advanced in your career – thus allowing you to focus more closely on your career, during its “prime” years.

 

That said, there are many many valid emotional, economic and other reasons to delay pregnancy. Stablity is extremely important when bringing a new life to this earth! Having a child before you are stable makes things more difficult.

 

I am also curious about all of his friends having kids. I am 38 and most of my friends just started having kids in the last 2 years! I would say 35 is the average age for a first kid in my social circle – which is a bit extreme I suppose, but they are all college educated, and for the most part career women which skews the data. I literally know people who had kids past 30, or were teen moms, I don’t know any 20 something moms.

 

Lastly, being pressured into it is a terrible reason to have children. So is having kids in order to have "purpose" when you feel like you don't have one.

[Noproblem]

You are still young!

You are even young to be married, but that's OK!

 

Simple, say no! He needs to understand what you want and respect that.

You can tell him you want kids after 3 or 4 years or later!

 

Don't let him coax you, manipulate you, guilt you, or even force you into doing this.

 

Take your time, kids are a big responsibility, secure your future first, and next will be kids if possible of course!

 

At the end of the day, you will be the one who carry these babies, you will take the pain to carry them for 9 months, deliver them and then have to raise them all by yourself, most guys don't participate in raising that much! So, unless you are 100% ready, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

 

PS: You are not a baby machine, you are a human being and no matter how much you love someone don't let him make you feel that you are selfish for not delivering him babies upon request!

Edited November 17, 2016 by Noproblem

[BettyDraper]

Your husband is being totally unreasonable. The smartest thing you can do is to get yourself established before having babies. At only 23 yrs old you still have at least 10 yrs if not more to plan your family. Don't let your husband bully you into having babies that you aren't ready to have. Getting yourself a career and financial security will be good for you and your future children. Your husband saying "then we just won't have kids at all" tells me that he is inflexible, and immature when it comes to compromise and resolving conflict which is another issue that should be tended to before you have children.

 

This. I'm not sure why this issue was not agreed upon before marriage.

 

It makes me laugh when men want to make reproductive decisions for their wives, when they aren't the ones who have to go through pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and the lion's share of childrearing. It's so easy for men to say they want a bunch of children back to back because they hardly go through anything. I also find it hilarious when men have the nerve to get angry at their wives for choosing not to breastfeed when they don't have to endure all that comes with that decision.

 

OP, stay on the path that you're on because you don't want to be dependent on someone who is that unreasonable and controlling. There's nothing wrong with being a housewife but a woman should always have an education and savings just in case the marriage ends in divorce or abuse.

[WomenWubber]

Marriage is about compromising. Your husband is being unreasonable, but you should try to negotiate and agree on a middle ground rather than giving a flat out "no".

 

In the unfortunate case he can't have a proper talk with you without losing his temper, then I'm afraid you will have to make a hard decision regarding your future.

[noelle303]

 

It makes me laugh when men want to make reproductive decisions for their wives, when they aren't the ones who have to go through pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and the lion's share of childrearing. It's so easy for men to say they want a bunch of children back to back because they hardly go through anything. I also find it hilarious when men have the nerve to get angry at their wives for choosing not to breastfeed when they don't have to endure all that comes with that decision.

 

Agreed. He sounds like a 10 year old playing house, who has no idea what goes into carrying a pregnancy, giving birth, post-partum recovery and caring for a newborn. I mean, most people who haven't experienced it have no idea what goes into it, but are at least able to view it from a somewhat realistic and mature standpoint.

 

What will he do if you aren't healed and ready to get pregnant again only a few months after having your first? Once again start issuing ultimatums about never having having any more children?

 

You are a person in this marriage and your needs and wishes are equally important, he needs to stop acting like a petulant child who isn't getting his way and have a mature discussion. There's no reason why you guys can't wait a few more years and enjoy each other and your freedom as a couple.

 

Once you guys have kids, you'll never be free again. Trust me.

 

And also, from my person experience, I had a baby at 21. While I did get both my bachelors and my masters and I'm building my career in a very good field, it was and still is 100x harder than it would be if I weren't also a full time mom.

[BettyDraper]

Agreed. He sounds like a 10 year old playing house, who has no idea what goes into carrying a pregnancy, giving birth, post-partum recovery and caring for a newborn. I mean, most people who haven't experienced it have no idea what goes into it, but are at least able to view it from a somewhat realistic and mature standpoint.

 

What will he do if you aren't healed and ready to get pregnant again only a few months after having your first? Once again start issuing ultimatums about never having having any more children?

 

You are a person in this marriage and your needs and wishes are equally important, he needs to stop acting like a petulant child who isn't getting his way and have a mature discussion. There's no reason why you guys can't wait a few more years and enjoy each other and your freedom as a couple.

 

Once you guys have kids, you'll never be free again. Trust me.

 

And also, from my person experience, I had a baby at 21. While I did get both my bachelors and my masters and I'm building my career in a very good field, it was and still is 100x harder than it would be if I weren't also a full time mom.

 

I don't have any children but I have plenty of experience with babies. People who think it is easy to take care of a newborn have never been responsible for a colicky infant. I can't imagine going through all of the tortuous changes that come with pregnancy and childbirth. Several pregnancies in rapid succession will take an enormous toll on a woman.

 

What people fail to realize is that raising a child makes being independent and free to pursue dreams a million times more difficult. Once again, men do not have to endure the catastrophic damage that parenthood does to someone's identity and career. It's the women who bear the brunt of the negative sides of having children.

 

Unfortunately, some couples get so caught up in the excitement of engagement and wedding planning that they forget to agree on important issues. OP, if your husband isn't willing to compromise on when you will have children, you will need to make a difficult decision about whether or not you can stay in this marriage. Be careful of birth control sabotage.

[noelle303]

I don't have any children but I have plenty of experience with babies. People who think it is easy to take care of a newborn have never been responsible for a colicky infant. I can't imagine going through all of the tortuous changes that come with pregnancy and childbirth. Several pregnancies in rapid succession will take an enormous toll on a woman.

 

What people fail to realize is that raising a child makes being independent and free to pursue dreams a million times more difficult. Once again, men do not have to endure the catastrophic damage that parenthood does to someone's identity and career. It's the women who bear the brunt of the negative sides of having children.

 

Unfortunately, some couples get so caught up in the excitement of engagement and wedding planning that they forget to agree on important issues. OP, if your husband isn't willing to compromise on when you will have children, you will need to make a difficult decision about whether or not you can stay in this marriage. Be careful of birth control sabotage.

 

Seriously, men can be so delusional when it comes to child-rearing. At my former job, back when my daughter was about 2, a male boss (who has children of his own might I add), was completely baffled about the fact that I had to miss an overnight business trip because I had no one to look after my daughter. He was all like ''How is that possible?'' Clearly he was a man who never had to worry about childcare in his life, as most men are.

 

Raising a child properly and being an active parent takes so much time and effort and planning. Same goes for a full time career. Therefore, having both at the same time is a constant juggling and balancing act.

 

Children also are not here to fill up someone's time and give them a ''purpose'', you are here for them, they are not here FOR you.

[Buddhist]

Tell you husband there is already an enormous chid in the house and there isn't room for another one until he grows up. Who does he think he is demanding kids on a schedule.

[Got it]

He may be trying to compensate for issues with the PTSD on focusing on a family. Or maybe his biological clock is just ticking now. Either way I think being respectful of how each person feels is important. This is a very emotionally charged topic and both desires are important. What about having the therapist mediate it for you two?

 

I put my career first and just had a child at 39. And let me tell you, this first year is F%%KING hard! Now my child seems to be an extra special snowflake who doesn't like to sleep without waking much at night (and we won't do anything but gentle sleep training) so there is that added perk. But I got 4 months maternity/time off paid. I am an executive and head of a department so I have a lot of autonomy over my schedule which is very nice but adjusting to getting up at 5am so I am out the door at 6:15, factoring in pumping, and getting home in the afternoon to care for her is a lot to juggle. I also was able to push off travel so didn't leave her until 10 months but another feat to juggle as well.

 

Some kids are easier than others but I highly recommend getting your career going, enjoy life, work on you, and then have kids. I see little benefit to pushing it unless having kids is one's top desire. I think I am able to handle it far better at my age now than if I was younger and I have the pay, autonomy, and time in position to have flexibility that answer to a lower level boss may not have allowed.

[Els]

I would be very wary of having children with someone who's demonstrating such a lack of patience and inability to delay gratification as your husbands is. He can't wait a few years to get your career settled? How will he have the patience to take care of children for 18 years??? If he was 45 or something I could understand, but a 23 year old man loses absolutely nothing by waiting a few years.

 

Also, why is it taken for granted that you should be the main childcarer? Is his current income sufficient to single handedly support an entire family?

[LonelyInsomniac]

So, people have already gone over how unreasonable his demands upon you are.

 

I'm assuming he's a stay-at-home husband/future dad, what with the PTSD.

 

On the upside: if he's looking to raise a lot of children, have you guys thought about foster care/respite care or adoption?

 

It could be a way for your husband to experience child rearing without putting you through the complications and dangers of pregnancy.

 

He would need to be more stable before pursuing this, but... he might be trying to pressure you into having kids to seek a purpose for himself to work toward. This could be a healthier alternative for him to pursue for the time being.

 

In that same vein, becoming a CASA (basically, you do a little investigative work on foster kids' situations and advocate specifically for the kids' needs/wants versus parent/foster parents' needs/wants) has a less soul-draining process and time commitment. That might be something he can jump into now.

[Miss Peach]

I went through this with my XH. Not so much over my career but because I didn't feel ready at 23. My XH was older than me and didn't want to be too old. IMO if in any doubt then wait but you'll have to figure out a compromise for your marriage.

[Robert]

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