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Soon to be 18 year old and rules


confusedmandi

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confusedmandi

Boyfriend's daughter is 17 a senior on high school and lives with him. She's basically a good kid spoiled and sheltered though.. She's never had to work because she plays sports and she has no clue about the value of money. She used to be a very sweet compliant girl. Now she's going thru a rebellious know it all phase. She says when she turns 18 she can do whatever she wants. She will turn 18a month before she graduates. Meaning she honestly thinks no one will have a say in when she comes and goes and she won't have any rules.

 

My kids are still little so I haven't dealt with these issues yet.. I know my parents would have said I will live by their rules or there is the door and I would have been totally on my own and would have had to support myself and find another place to live. She will be going to college a few months after she graduates so in your opinion what is the best course of action? Dad wants her to enjoy her senior year but isn't going to put up. With her no rules attitude. Would you make your kid move out if they think they r 18so they can do what they want?

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Parenting a teen on the threshold of becoming an adult is understood to be one of the most challenging phase in the parenting journey. Your boyfriend definitely should lay down non-negotiable rules. That said, I’m sure this is a difficult season of her life for his daughter as well; so, I would suggest that your boyfriend keeps his focus on building a relationship with his daughter instead of simply enforcing rules. Hope this helps!

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GunslingerRoland

If anything I would say you are in an easier position because they don't have a job and have complete financial independence on you. They might sound all cocky and storm out telling you they won't follow your rules, but when they go to text their friends and realize their phone doesn't work, hop in the car and there is no gas, and realize there bank card doesn't work, they might be singing a different tune very soon.

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If she's about to turn 18, it's probably too late to control by enforcing rules. In my opinion, you have to get them ready by gradually giving them more and more freedom, and of course developing a relationship based on mutual respect. That doesn't mean no rules at all –– my daughter still had a 12am curfew time –– and if they're driving your car, living in your house, eating your food, spending your money, then you do have some control. But if you try to be authoritarian the relationship will suffer.

 

By age 18 they've already become the person they'll be for the most part. If you can't reason with them and negotiate a few things, well, it's not going to be easy. My method was to give as much freedom and privilege as she could handle responsibly. I told her this was what I was doing. I said, "if you want more freedom, show me you can handle the responsibility and it won't be a problem." It worked for the most part, but a lot of it was because she's inherently a good kid. I don't know much about dealing with difficult kids. The one thing I do know is that you have to let them experience consequences.

Edited by salparadise
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OptimismandHope

Teenage years are challenging! They are challenging for your partner and they are challenging for his daughter. She still has one foot in wanting to be a kid and the other foot in wanting to be an adult. It is an emotional roller coaster. It is easy to speak of independence and freedom, but it is another thing to exercise the responsibility to show that it is warranted. We all have to walk that path. It is a fine line between empowering and enabling. As adults, you have to decide what is reasonable and acceptable. It is then important to communicate the expectations to her so she knows what is expected as well as the consequences if she breaks the agreement. With an agreement in place, you can avoid the pitfalls of tension and arguments where teenagers tend to where you down. You and your partner may want to give her more responsibility in the home in order to have more independence outside the home, i.e., she has to contribute to the family. In life there is not a free ride, so it is up to parents to set this up in the home as well. It is training ground for real life. Most importantly, she should always know she is loved and cared for. Every action should be communicated from love, not power. She doesn't have to understand all the decisions, she can't. You just have to have her well-being the forefront and trust that you are making good decisions and follow through. Teenagers come back and have a new appreciation for the love and nurturing they received, but not without a very bumpy road first! I wish you all the best.

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Boyfriend's daughter is 17 a senior on high school and lives with him. She's basically a good kid spoiled and sheltered though.. She's never had to work because she plays sports and she has no clue about the value of money. She used to be a very sweet compliant girl. Now she's going thru a rebellious know it all phase. She says when she turns 18 she can do whatever she wants. She will turn 18a month before she graduates. Meaning she honestly thinks no one will have a say in when she comes and goes and she won't have any rules.

 

My kids are still little so I haven't dealt with these issues yet.. I know my parents would have said I will live by their rules or there is the door and I would have been totally on my own and would have had to support myself and find another place to live. She will be going to college a few months after she graduates so in your opinion what is the best course of action? Dad wants her to enjoy her senior year but isn't going to put up. With her no rules attitude. Would you make your kid move out if they think they r 18so they can do what they want?

 

With all due respect, I think you should stay out if it and completely focus on your own kids.

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Would you make your kid move out if they think they r 18so they can do what they want?

 

With all due respect, I think you should stay out if it and completely focus on your own kids.

 

 

No kidding! I went back and read it again and realized that she wasn't asking for parenting wisdom... the question was, should the 18 year old be made to move out! This is the step-mom, presumably more than 18... using text speak.

 

I hope Dad is taking good care of his precious daughter.

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With older teenagers I think it is important to focus on the aspect of respect, rather than control.

 

It is very normal for older teenagers to feel a strong push internally for greater sovereignty and independence, and to resist being controlled by others. This is normal psychological development and is also part of the driving force that will make them brave enough to actually strike out on their own and start taking important risks (getting first job, choosing a degree, choosing sexual partners, managing own money, eventually living alone, etc).

 

So if you make it a matter of control and obedience, their natural psychological development and instinct will push back hard against you.

 

But respect is different. Respect is something that is important between people of all ages and relations. For example, coming home at 2AM on a work night when others in the house need to be sleeping so they can get up for work fully rested at 5AM, that would be disrespectful to the needs of others in the shared home.

 

There are many other possible examples where what once was a matter of obedience is now a matter of respect, and an important part of transitioning into adulthood is understanding the inherent importance of respect for others, even when it's not enforced by rules.

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be very very very careful about saying to any child, follow my rules or get out.

 

think how you are going to feel when she leaves. and believe me, you will not know where she is sleeping or who she is with.

 

my mom had her husband tell me that at 16. i left. i never called them. they never knew where i was.

 

i can't imagine putting a child out on the street, even if they have a car to sleep in, let alone a girl.

 

you are going to have to pretend you care about her. and since you don't seem to, you will have the upper hand in negotiating.

 

which is what you are going to have to do.

 

none of the rules are non-negotiable.

 

the only rule in this life, on this earth, IS, please god, don't let them die before i do.

 

which you should know since you have kids of your own.

 

speak to her as a person, a young women. tell her about, staying safe. emotionally and physically. which means, teaching her how to come and go at night. what to do in a emergency. offering to renew her AAA membership. showing her how to check the oil in the car. what to do if the engine light comes on. what to do if she's being followed. what to do if she's in an accident alone in the dark. to have her keys out as she approaches her car and to never park next to a van.

 

have her take over one of her own bills. mine pays her car insurance and her cell phone. have both of those companies send you an alert if it goes unpaid.

 

say, for instance, that she doesn't pay her car insurance, tell her what will happen. she will go to jail. in which case she will need her voters card on her at all times and the phone number of a bail bondsman. she will need to know how to write a check, fill out a deposit slip and how to buy a money order.

 

then open a convo about where her money comes from. if she needs more than she will have to work, just like the rest of us. and i made mine start working just before graduation. there is no way i'm going to work and leave an 18yro home alone, eating my food and running up my a/c bills. not to mention having their shiftless friends over my house. i don't need some mom telling me her kids got stoned or knocked up over at my house.

 

every person needs to work. period.

 

make her understand that if she's going to be dumb, not to be stupid.

 

there is no way to kick a birdie out of the nest, the nest that she shares with her father, without being responsible, if, god forbid, something happens to her. it will be your fault.

 

she's not done being raised. even if she moves to a dorm she's going to have to learn, at the least, how to do her laundry and when to study. how to say no to, well, to lots of things.

 

she's on the edge of adulthood. if you push her to fast, before she's got the skills and tools to make it out there, she will only come back home and you will get the blame, esp. if she doesn't return in the same condition she went out in.

 

be careful. and teach her to do the same.

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