Question to parents of young adults...

[BluesPower]

This is something that has been on my mind a lot. I really want some serious answers and advice. Everyone is welcome to tell me that I am crazy if you think that I am, I'm a big boy.

 

I just have some really great kids and I am so thankful and proud of them.

 

Both my boys are at still at home, going to school, working, and working in their musical careers. They are 19 and 21.

 

We are kind of a family of musicians, the boys are "first call players" in our area and they have a really successful band that they are in together. I help out when they need me, which is a lot and that is fine, with their primary band, by running sound, fixing equipment all the time, and even subbing if they really need me to play.

 

I know this is long winded, but I need to get the context put out there.

 

So, in addition to all that, they are both strong Christians and they are both involved with several different music ministries as well. The youngest is starting to preach more and even leads his collage ministry.

 

I am not a strong christen anymore for lots of reasons but I respect their beliefs and the work they are doing in this area as well.

 

So all of that is great, and it sounds like a dream and it kind of is.

 

Now, they both keep themselves pure and don't have sex, or sleep around. The oldest has but stopped when he became involved with the ministry in high school and the youngest is still a virgin. And, hey I respect them for all this in many ways, and they are far stronger me than I ever was or will be.

 

But I worry about some of this. The oldest has had some really super wonderful girl friends and he has had his share of breakups and broken hearts. But I get attached to these girls like I have another daughter and I know I should not but it just happens. I always wanted another girl and we could not have any more kids after 3, and we could have had another boy and that would have just been too many boys.

 

And his current GF is the best of them all. She is deeply in love with him and I know he is crazy about her. She is already out of collage and working as a manager at a large rental car company. She is beautiful, I mean fashion model beautiful, super smart, wise beyond her years, the whole package.

 

Now, if they are cool not sleeping together I am fine with that, she is a younger Christian and she is not a virgin either. They both want to stay pure because of their beliefs and all that is great.

 

I would really like for them to get married, I know it is not my business, but I really hope that he does not let this one get away.

 

For my younger son, he has tons really nice girls just crawling all over him, and he just kind of ignores it. He really has not even allowed his self a serious GF. I am just worried that in some ways that both of them are missing out on this early part of life.

 

I realize that I am insane but does everyone think I am crazy for worrying about this at all?

 

I took a different path as far as women go, and some of the best times of my life happened during this age.

 

Should I just be grateful that they are where the are at with everything, and just let it go?

 

Thanks...

Edited September 6, 2016 by BluesPower

[Shepp]

Curreenty have 3 kids twin boy & a girl, although I would like at least another 1 in the future. However mine are a longgg way off being in the situation yours are.

 

However I have been somebodys teenage son and all I can say is I really respected, and am thankful for, how my folks handled those years.

 

I know my mum especially loved my brothers childhood gf (now wife) she is everything my mum would of wanted in a wife for him and they got on really well, she even used to 'babysit' me (my bros 6 years older) and stuff. I know that my folks must have been praying they would last BUT they never interfered in their relationship.

When her parents decided they would emigrate to Oz my mum told my brother that IF HE WANTED HE could offer hid gf they opportunity to stay here and live with us.. They never went direct to hid gf, they gave him the option but they let him decide if that was how he wanted his relationship to progress.

Likewise they respected there relationship enough to even offer that option, they didn't write it off as a school kids fling or whatever!

 

Equally I know my (now wife) was nothing like my sister in law was. I know that my folks thought that it wouldt last, that she'd break my heart! YET they never treated our relationship any differently to how they had treated my brothers at the same age. They invited her to family functions they made an effort to get to know her and make her feel included.

I appreciate that because I know looking back it was a weird situation. We actually spoke about it not that long ago and my wife said that if one of our boys was in the same sitatuion I had been in like she'd hate the girl!

But my mum says she let us be because A) somethings you have to experience for yourself, you cant bubble wrap your kid. If they want to risk getting there heart broken (or missing out on something in your situation) then that is there risk to take!! Wether it works out for them or wether they learn a lesson from it, it is still their risk to take!

and because B) perfect for you isnt perfect for them...... my mum and my wife get along well enough now, but yes she is still probably closer to my SIL, they are like peas in a pod. BUT that doesn't mean my sister in law would of been the right kind of girl for me - she wouldn't have!! I'm not my brother, and i'm not my mum, i'm me! And I needed something different in a partner. I'm not perfect, neither is my wife but we are perfect for each other, she's my best friend and that's all that matters!

 

Point being it might not be the life you would of chosen but that doesn't mean your kids are missing out it might just be perfect FOR THEM!

And if it isn't - then they still have the right to make that mistake! Its there life to live! You can live it for them!

[GorillaTheater]

Should I just be grateful that they are where the are at with everything, and just let it go?

 

 

Yep, this. When I was their age, I'd already been in jail four different times, so it can always be worse. I got married when I was 21, and even though the marriage is still going, it was too young to get hitched by almost any rational standard.

 

 

My two oldest boys (22 and 25) are working construction gigs and making a hell of a lot of money. They aren't serious about girls at all and far more about having fun. My oldest is taking a course or two, otherwise I'd string him up for not using his GI Bill benefits, but I'll still kill him if he doesn't use those benefits to finish his degree.

 

 

There's always something to fret over, but the fact is that we both are pretty lucky. Things generally work out the way they're supposed to.

[BlueIris]

...

I would really like for them to get married, I know it is not my business, but I really hope that he does not let this one get away. ...

 

No, don't do that. My kids are 29 & 25. I didn’t get involved because my parents got involved in my relationships and it was awful. Having a parent “in” your relationship really messes it up and you have this side pressure that’s about your parent. My parents didn’t stop until I told them that since they were telling me what to do I’d tell them what to do too. That stopped that. lol

[mrs rubble]

They'll never thank you for interfering.

They need to take their own path through life. It sounds like they're doing pretty well. My 23yo is a Christian and a virgin and has only had one girlfriend. My 18yo is the complete opposite- lost his virginity very young to a much older girl(possibly 2 at once) and has been with his current girlfriend for the last two years.

As long as they're happy and safe that's all that really matters imo.

[Bee4Shine]

Hi BluesPower,

First I want to congratulate you for raising good boys with strong character. It is rare these days and not only that they are talented and loved by many. I have 3 sons, 23, 22, 19. The middle one is married, and the other two have girlfriends. All are virgins, before marriage. They like it that way because they see this aspect of their life as a gift to their future spouse. They will have no baggage or consequences from their "previous" lives. My DIL also saved herself for marriage. My husband and I were both virgins 27 years ago. It is amazing how simple, and amazing life is when you can eliminate this kind of behavior before marriage. I applaud your sons for setting standards, and to be frank, the kind of girls that you will love to be a FIL to, are the kind of girls that appreciate these standards. Keep loving your sons, do not get involved in their personal lives. Encourage them to hold true to their values. Consider yourself truly blessed sir and maybe you can begin to seek God again. Obviously, your boys have shared their beliefs with you...I encourage you to be the student again.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Hi BluesPower,

First I want to congratulate you for raising good boys with strong character. It is rare these days

 

Because people who have sex before marriage don't have strong character...

 

Hogwash... your sons are denying themselves a basic human function.

 

There's nothing "strong character" about that, in fact they are going to be kicking themselves in the butt later in life when they realize what all they missed.

[BluesPower]

Look in the Christian community saving yourself for marriage is considered the best way to handle that. So I understand and appreciate the point.

 

I don't personally feel that way, anymore for sure. But at least they are not hypocrites about their beliefs.

 

But I do worry that they will miss out on some experiences.

 

At the same time, some of this devotion and discipline has allow them to be pro musicians at a really young age. Most of the pro level stuff they do is in the secular world.

 

So it is kind of a mixed bag.

[Bee4Shine]

BluesPower, I am actually so encouraged about your boy's standards and testimony and their lack of hypocrisy. You are truly blessed!!!