Letting Go of a Teen

[HugsandBlessings]

My daughter turned 18 and moved out 8 months ago. She was halfway through her senior year in high school at the time. We were all blindsided – my husband (who is also her father) and I as well as our two teen boys. She has struggled with social confidence and self-image , but who isn’t in high school? Over the years, we paid anything that would help: new clothes, new glasses, highlights in her hair, whole new bedroom décor, any sport or hobby she wanted to try, anything. She just wouldn’t do any of it. She stayed in her room alone, painted her nails, played games on her phone, and read. We encouraged her to get a job so she’d have money, meet new people, and it might help her feel more grown up. We even offered to buy her a car if she learned how to drive, but she wouldn’t do any of it.

 

At 16, she met a boy at school who soon began to humiliate her socially (and sexually as I found out later). He destroyed her self-image and she became depressed and deeply angry at the world. She told me she had considered cutting herself over it. We demanded she stay away from him, but she started lying and sneaking around to be with him. He left her when school let out for the summer. Then she finally got a job at McDonalds. Two months on the job and she started dating a coworker who wasn’t much better than the first boyfriend – angry, negative, very, very verbally abusive toward her. We told her to steer clear of him. He told her that her problem was us. And she agreed. With him.

 

I know a lot of parents and children who become estranged from one another like to say the other is at fault. Honestly, I don’t know what happened here. We were a strong family all these years. Our marriage and our kids are (were?) solid and safe and comfortable. We had a family intervention before she moved out and we all let her know that she didn’t have to leave and that her decisions affect all of us. She didn’t care. She feels that our efforts to improve her confidence and protect her from these boys were controlling. She said I owe her an apology for “holding her back all these years.” She told her dad that “anyplace is better than here (our home).” We just sat there stunned.

 

She left home 8 months ago and we are shut out of her life completely. She’s just enlisted in the Navy (without involving us) and she’ll be far away, which is her intention I’m sure. She leaves in 3 months. She just started seeing boyfriend number three, who seems like a good person based on his Facebook and Instagram pages. That’s how I know anything about her these days. We haven’t spoken in two months, nor does she speak to her dad or her two brothers. We have no extended family living or nearby; it’s just our household. My husband tears up when her name comes up in conversation and keeps saying she broke his heart. One of my sons says he can’t stand her and will never trust her again. The other son loves her, but doesn’t want any contact with her. It’s exhausting trying to steer them toward more positive feelings about their sister, and I'll admit I’ve quit doing that.

 

I realize she wants her independence and individuality. I’m happy that she’s surviving, but I believed all these years that she wouldn’t ever have to think about her survival. I can only admit the truth because the internet is anonymous: I’m relieved not to be involved with her anymore. She deploys in 3 months and maybe it’s a good thing that she’s leaving. I’m 90% okay with never seeing her again, 10% guilty because moms don’t talk like this. I am so deeply hurt and betrayed by her contempt and indifference that I don’t want to keep trying to connect with her. I’m probably angry about being bashed around, but I think I’m just more hurt. The injustice of it all, the lack of closure, and my fear of her living her life without any family is too painful for me. She has a lot of growing up to do and she might reconsider her decisions and perspective on our family as she matures, but I need this to be over. I just don’t know how to put all this to rest or what to do next.

 

Am I abandoning her when she’s young and doesn’t know herself yet? Is it fair to let go of a child when she’s still so young and facing so much? Can’t I just do that, forget her and move on? I want to. I'm so tired. I need some peace in my life again.

 

If you've made it this far, thanks for listening.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, I wish I had time right now to respond to this in full detail.

 

 

I only have time to point out that IF this were about a boy, and you were a schoolgirl, no matter how much you wanted to (leap up and be noticed again and again, by the boy)... the best move would be to cease contact, and give him a chance to recognize your independent appeal without your further aggravating the scenario.

 

 

Unlike the schoolboy, YOU will always have significance as the parents of the daughter, so she has a MUCH greater chance of coming back to you in spirit.

 

 

It should be interesting to read what others have to offer.

[GorillaTheater]

I did something similar after high school, except that I escaped into the Navy from a situation that was objectively unpleasant with my parents.

 

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the Navy saved my life. I was with a bunch of people who held me accountable and weren't for a second going to tolerate me blaming my parents or anybody else for my shortcomings. I went from a screwed-up thug/petty criminal to someone who, amazingly, got a Top Secret clearance and gave briefings on Soviet fleet operations to senior officers.

 

 

It is my hope and belief that your daughter will gain a new perspective from her military experience. Don't give up on her.

 

 

EDIT: I realized that I left out something pretty relevant: once the Navy helped me grow up and get over myself, I made my peace with my parents. And like I said, that relationship involved real abuse and neglect and not something imagined.

Edited August 19, 2016 by GorillaTheater

[snowangel97]

It sounds like a challenging time that you and your family are going through and I pray it will improve. I went through a similar situation in high school. At the age of 18, I ran away from my parents and lived with friends. My parents, step parents, and I had a very strained relationship for many years. As I grew up, got married, and had my own family, I realized what I had done and felt guilty for it. Over time, my family and I have mended those relationships. So, I guess what I'm saying is... don't give up! Leave the lines of communication open for her to come back and if you are still connected on social media, use it as a way to slowly send positive communication to her. Slow and steady wins the race!

 

As for the emotions that your family is feeling right now, it must be hard to handle and the kiddos especially don't know what to feel! Have you thought about seeing someone so the kids could talk with someone separate from the situation? My son had a great experience with a counselor when he was having some issues in school! Can't hurt to try!

[stillafool]

You are right to leave her alone if that is what she wants. She has to grow up and as she does she will realize the importance of her family. It usually takes young people who were raised in a good home to meet other kids who came from bad homes to realize what they had. Don't worry she will reach out to you guys again when she realizes this guys do not love her the way her family does. It's good she's going into the Navy to get some discipline. She will be a different person when she returns.

[Miss Peach]

I did something similar without the enlisting in the Navy part. My parents through they were protecting me. I saw it as controlling. I got into a few relationships with very controlling men (some were abusive). So basically I ended up trading in one type of controlling for another until I saw something was wrong and wanted to change.

 

IMO you're going to just have to give her some space right now. She's obviously demanding it. Just let her know you love her anyway and the door is open.

[HugsandBlessings]

Wow, I am so grateful to read your responses to my post! Your words have given me hope, especially from those of you that have been through a similar situation as my daughter. I hear a lot of advice from other PARENTS (in my real life), but I haven't heard from anyone at all who has experienced things from my daughter's perspective. Can you all come over for dinner?

 

You've given me some insights, particularly regarding your Navy experiences. I have worried so much about her enlistment because she has never excelled at the kinds of skills I imagine you might need in the military (leadership, responsibility, teamwork, physical commitment). She's bookish and sensitive and well, submissive. She's chosen the CTI program (linguistics), btw. It scares me to imagine her in a hyper-masculine setting especially considering her history with boyfriends so far. And like I said, she's always been more of a follower than a leader even in her own life. Maybe I've been thinking about it all wrong and the Navy will bring out the best in her.

 

Anyone else out there with military experience care to comment?

[snowangel97]

I personally am an Army wife, of 16 years. My husband is active duty and my son is ROTC at this local college. I've seen my boys both mature greatly in the military and it seems to be beneficial for them. Have faith that she will do well, mature some, and come back on her own time. I will be praying for you all!

[Els]

I think it's right for you to let her go, but I don't think you should burn the bridge either. If your relationship didn't involve any real abuse or neglect, chances are that when she matures she will want to bury the hatchet. No, she probably won't live in your home ever again (nor should she), but it's entirely possible, even likely, that you and she will develop a loving relationship between adults later on.

 

In fact, for lots of people, leaving home (under any circumstances) was the best thing they could ever have done for their maturity and their relationship with their parents. I know it was for me.

[Gunny376]

I enlisted in the United States Marine Corps when I was 18, about two weeks out of high school.

 

It changed me and my life, and I did a complete 180 from who I was. I ended up making a career of it, and believe I could have and would have done more and excelled even greater than I did.

 

Its not for everyone, and there's a lot that don't make it, even after they made it through boot camp ~ be it Navy, Army, Air Force or the Marines or even the Coast Guard, (Which is technically not a branch of the Armed Forces except when militarized by the US Congress during times of War ~ they Fall under the Department of Treasury)

 

She's chosen the CTI program (linguistics)

 

This concerns me, as any all members of the military go to the same school in California. They've a very strict policy, fail any of two tests? And your contract is null and void, and your re-assigned under an Open Contract. That means they can put you in any MOS (Military Occupational Specialty) that they have a short fall in filling.

 

This is not good, as I knew of a couple of Marines that went to this school, and some idiot assigned them a Food Service Specialist aka cooks. One of them tested off the scale on the ASVAB test (Armed Forces Vocational Aptitude Battery) and I later learned that he had an IQ of 160!!!

 

But there's A LOT of opportunity in the military, and hopefully (and pretty damned likely ) she'll fall under more than just a couple of senior petty officers and officers that will steer her clear of any trouble, and pull her to the side and give her a talking to.

 

I did this A LOT while in the Corps and during my twenty in the Marine Corps.

 

Its part of our jobs as Staff Non Commissioned Officers, to identify those, and counsel them about various things that civilian bosses would NEVER get involved with.

 

They're usually young and dumb and away from home, lost like little lambs.

Away from their support system.

 

I've counseled my Marines about anything from interpersonal relationships, hanging with the wrong people ~ crowd, marriage counseling, dating counseling, career advice, financial advice, ~ you name it.

 

And the reason why? Because the same thing was done to and for me. Its a wonder I wasn't court martialed and thrown in the Brig (Jail) my first two years in the Corps! But I had a Marine Frist Sergeant that got a hold of me, mentored me, taught me way of the straight and narrow and not turned my career, myself, and my LIFE around.

 

I passed on the favor, and as a result? I can truly say I can go to my grave knowing that I made a DIFFERENCE in a lot of peoples lives ~ all for the better.

 

"Most people spend their entire lives wondering if they made a difference, Marines don't have that problem!" ~ President Ronald Regan

 

If she'll just get in there, and make the most of it? It'll MAKE her, and the rest of her life. She'll gain and obtain confidence, self sufficiency, strength of mind, heart, and spirit that she NEVER knew she had.

[JoeSmith357-1]

I agree with one of the other posters here. I think you held on way too tight. She saw it as controlling (it probably was), she had enough and left when she had the first opportunity.

 

Along the way she had self-image problems, latched onto a couple abusive boyfriends, who continued the abuse, albeit in different ways.

 

Ironically she is joining the military, which is all about control and micromanaging your every move. Especially for enlisted types.

 

Being a woman, she's going to be getting lots of probably unwanted sexually verbal and mental abuse.

[HugsandBlessings]

Gunny,

 

it's good to know people like you are looking out for the younger people. I'm sure your leadership has impacted many. Sounds like you've chosen the right career. I hope if this girl struggles to adjust to her new environment, someone like you will help her along. Many new recruits have never really lived away from home before.

 

I've heard about the failure rates at the DLI and I'm not sure what to make of it. Some people sail through high school because they are naturally intelligent, but don't have any real study skills. My daughter would fall into that category. She received A's on everything without actually earning A's, if you know what I mean. People like that usually struggle with studying in college so I would imagine she'd better figure out how to focus on the books while she's there.

 

Anyway, thank you for all your helpfulness and insight on this matter, as well as your dedication and leadership to others.

 

Suzanne

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My daughter turned 18 and moved out 8 months ago. She was halfway through her senior year in high school at the time. We were all blindsided – my husband (who is also her father) and I as well as our two teen boys. She has struggled with social confidence and self-image , but who isn’t in high school? Over the years, we paid anything that would help: new clothes, new glasses, highlights in her hair, whole new bedroom décor, any sport or hobby she wanted to try, anything. She just wouldn’t do any of it. She stayed in her room alone, painted her nails, played games on her phone, and read. We encouraged her to get a job so she’d have money, meet new people, and it might help her feel more grown up. We even offered to buy her a car if she learned how to drive, but she wouldn’t do any of it.

 

At 16, she met a boy at school who soon began to humiliate her socially (and sexually as I found out later). He destroyed her self-image and she became depressed and deeply angry at the world. She told me she had considered cutting herself over it. We demanded she stay away from him, but she started lying and sneaking around to be with him. He left her when school let out for the summer. Then she finally got a job at McDonalds. Two months on the job and she started dating a coworker who wasn’t much better than the first boyfriend – angry, negative, very, very verbally abusive toward her. We told her to steer clear of him. He told her that her problem was us. And she agreed. With him.

 

I know a lot of parents and children who become estranged from one another like to say the other is at fault. Honestly, I don’t know what happened here. We were a strong family all these years. Our marriage and our kids are (were?) solid and safe and comfortable. We had a family intervention before she moved out and we all let her know that she didn’t have to leave and that her decisions affect all of us. She didn’t care. She feels that our efforts to improve her confidence and protect her from these boys were controlling. She said I owe her an apology for “holding her back all these years.” She told her dad that “anyplace is better than here (our home).” We just sat there stunned.

 

She left home 8 months ago and we are shut out of her life completely. She’s just enlisted in the Navy (without involving us) and she’ll be far away, which is her intention I’m sure. She leaves in 3 months. She just started seeing boyfriend number three, who seems like a good person based on his Facebook and Instagram pages. That’s how I know anything about her these days. We haven’t spoken in two months, nor does she speak to her dad or her two brothers. We have no extended family living or nearby; it’s just our household. My husband tears up when her name comes up in conversation and keeps saying she broke his heart. One of my sons says he can’t stand her and will never trust her again. The other son loves her, but doesn’t want any contact with her. It’s exhausting trying to steer them toward more positive feelings about their sister, and I'll admit I’ve quit doing that.

 

I realize she wants her independence and individuality. I’m happy that she’s surviving, but I believed all these years that she wouldn’t ever have to think about her survival. I can only admit the truth because the internet is anonymous: I’m relieved not to be involved with her anymore. She deploys in 3 months and maybe it’s a good thing that she’s leaving. I’m 90% okay with never seeing her again, 10% guilty because moms don’t talk like this. I am so deeply hurt and betrayed by her contempt and indifference that I don’t want to keep trying to connect with her. I’m probably angry about being bashed around, but I think I’m just more hurt. The injustice of it all, the lack of closure, and my fear of her living her life without any family is too painful for me. She has a lot of growing up to do and she might reconsider her decisions and perspective on our family as she matures, but I need this to be over. I just don’t know how to put all this to rest or what to do next.

 

Am I abandoning her when she’s young and doesn’t know herself yet? Is it fair to let go of a child when she’s still so young and facing so much? Can’t I just do that, forget her and move on? I want to. I'm so tired. I need some peace in my life again.

 

If you've made it this far, thanks for listening.

 

 

 

I'm back for another try at this...

 

 

Can I dare to say: "Were it m-m-m-m-m-m-MOST parents..." they would likely want for the daughter to be nearby and on great terms, perhaps with grandkids on the ground in 20 years time (if for no other/better reason than their OWN quality of life - and that's FINE and normal).

 

 

Soooooooooooooooo... working BACKWARD from that point, perhaps you couldn't ask for a better structure than the military (outside your own home) to be given to a young adult to help you potentially reach that point 20 years from now where your daughter and any kids she might have, enhance your entire life.

 

 

Now of course we read zillions of wild tales about life in the military, perhaps especially for women, but perhaps those tales are the small exceptions when considering how many thousands of people are serving...

 

 

Better that the daughter race toward the embrace of the (U.S.?) military as she rebels, than toward the arms of a predatory addict who could drag her down a very detrimental path.

 

 

You may still (at least eventually) feel like that scorned lover who wants more than all else to contact that far-away flame, but if you don't do so, then it is likely you can still take comfort in knowing she has some structure and boundaries in her world, each of which are likely good for her in the present.

 

Furthermore, the time and distance may impact her in a sentimental way, to where she awakens one morning beside an oil field in the middle east, and begins to renew interest in you, or at least someone in her family... and at that point she may well write... and it may just be the case that her letter will arrive, and bring you tears of joy as you carefully craft a reply.

 

This smallish window of (the present) (which feels like "forever") will then seem rather minuscule as you begin to rekindle something that may work wonders for both of you in 10 or 20 years.

 

 

I hope this makes you think...

[HugsandBlessings]

SincereOnlineGuy,

 

I think you (and others here) are right about the military. I've been thinking that the military culture would be too harsh and demanding for her. Now I've reconsidered. The structure may be exactly what she needs to transition from adolescent desires into adult responsibility. That one small change in my perspective makes me feel better about her future.

 

Maybe most kids like this come back around eventually. In the meantime, I am heartbroken over how many times I've tried to keep the lines of communication open and express our love and support only to hit the same brick wall again and again. I think I'm quitting until that day comes eventually when she wants to re-establish a relationship with her family. I feel guilty that I want to quit on her, but I do. And I guess I am. Yes, I think I've finally made that decision this week and I feel relieved about it.

 

Thank you for all your thoughtfulness

[todreaminblue]

my school years were pretty tough an as soon as i was of age i went into the navy to escape my town..i was a pretty sheltered child to tell the truth (due to child sexual assault)extremely naive and thought i knew it all....i love my parents.....did then...do now....the navy however was an escape.....

 

military life wasnt for me.......if i had gone in as an officer in training maybe i woudl still be in there....i chose grunt level because i didnt want to eb above anyone......but i seem to attract bullies .....and the navy was not any different for me....i fidn bullies or bullies find me........i developed a close report with the men though.....or boys....lol......i loved the fitness side.....and i loved to have the chance to serve protect and defend its me to a t...the men were ...friendlier.....treated me like a sister....

 

the military can make or break a person..they dont put up with childish crap in the forces.........i hope your daughter develops all the good traits and attitude from her service....its about service in the military and not so much self but being part of a team that works together....deb

[Emilia]

I have worried so much about her enlistment because she has never excelled at the kinds of skills I imagine you might need in the military (leadership, responsibility, teamwork, physical commitment). She's bookish and sensitive and well, submissive. She's chosen the CTI program (linguistics), btw. It scares me to imagine her in a hyper-masculine setting especially considering her history with boyfriends so far. And like I said, she's always been more of a follower than a leader even in her own life. Maybe I've been thinking about it all wrong and the Navy will bring out the best in her.

 

Gunny,

I've heard about the failure rates at the DLI and I'm not sure what to make of it. Some people sail through high school because they are naturally intelligent, but don't have any real study skills. My daughter would fall into that category. She received A's on everything without actually earning A's, if you know what I mean. People like that usually struggle with studying in college so I would imagine she'd better figure out how to focus on the books while she's there.

 

SincereOnlineGuy,

I think you (and others here) are right about the military. I've been thinking that the military culture would be too harsh and demanding for her. Now I've reconsidered. The structure may be exactly what she needs to transition from adolescent desires into adult responsibility. That one small change in my perspective makes me feel better about her future.

 

Maybe most kids like this come back around eventually. In the meantime, I am heartbroken over how many times I've tried to keep the lines of communication open and express our love and support only to hit the same brick wall again and again. I think I'm quitting until that day comes eventually when she wants to re-establish a relationship with her family. I feel guilty that I want to quit on her, but I do. And I guess I am. Yes, I think I've finally made that decision this week and I feel relieved about it.

 

Thank you for all your thoughtfulness

 

I think your posts show low expectations and very little respect towards your daughter, this is why she left. It is clear from your first post that you tried to turn her into someone you view as a suitable daughter for your perceived greatness but you think she turned out to be a disappointment.

 

Unless you decide to think of her as a capable human being, she is likely to stay away but I honestly don't think you care that much.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Emilia

[Emilia]

I did something similar after high school, except that I escaped into the Navy from a situation that was objectively unpleasant with my parents.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the Navy saved my life. I was with a bunch of people who held me accountable and weren't for a second going to tolerate me blaming my parents or anybody else for my shortcomings. I went from a screwed-up thug/petty criminal to someone who, amazingly, got a Top Secret clearance and gave briefings on Soviet fleet operations to senior officers.

 

It is my hope and belief that your daughter will gain a new perspective from her military experience. Don't give up on her.

 

EDIT: I realized that I left out something pretty relevant: once the Navy helped me grow up and get over myself, I made my peace with my parents. And like I said, that relationship involved real abuse and neglect and not something imagined.

That's certainly great that the Navy made a man out of you and you had the common sense so young to sort yourself out but I'm surprised you didn't pick up on the narcissist undertone of the OP's thread. The subtle put downs in every post.

[turnera]

The Navy also saved my stepbrother's life. The judge (thankfully) told him either join the armed forces or go to jail for this drug charge. Ten years later, he left the Navy and went on to use his skills learned there for an amazing career and a great life.

 

Have a little faith in your daughter for once.

[Els]

SincereOnlineGuy,

 

I think you (and others here) are right about the military. I've been thinking that the military culture would be too harsh and demanding for her. Now I've reconsidered. The structure may be exactly what she needs to transition from adolescent desires into adult responsibility. That one small change in my perspective makes me feel better about her future.

 

I think you should stop making up your mind about what she can or can't do and leave that decision up to her. She's an adult now. If she ever initiates contact with you, I strongly suggest that you focus less on telling her what you think she should do, and more on what YOU can do to foster a relationship of equals with her.

Edited August 29, 2016 by Elswyth