Worried about future in laws influence on other daughter

[West.]

My wife and I have two daughters. We have a twenty-five year old and a seventeen year old. Our twenty-five year old is getting married to a young man whose family we liked until they started getting close with our seventeen year old. Whenever we go out she wants to ride with them or sit with them, or the dad will pull her close to him and whisper in her ear. Sitting and riding with them is fine, its the whispering that bothers me.

 

It's come to my attention that she has been going to their house and hanging out with the when no one else is around. That bothers me as well. I went over there with my oldest yesterday and she was already there. She was laying on the couch with her head in his lap. I was livid, and he just acted like nothing wrong was happening. I don't think it's appropriate for a seventeen year old girl to have her head in some married man's lap. The wife was just right there with them. She's also weird with my daughter. Always touching her and texting her all day.

 

I know they're swingers too. He's spoken about it with other people in front of me. The conversation was about them stopping because he was okay with other guys, but if his wife wanted to they could do it again with girls...

 

I do not like this behavior, and I'm worried about their influence on my little girl. What should I do?

[CarrieT]

She is underaged so the first thing you could do is take her phone away and read the texts. Find out what they are saying and go from there.

[VeveCakes]

Ok the whole thing gave me the creeps and then you added the swingers - sounds like they are grooming her. I wouldn't let her anywhere near them alone, and there is absolutely no reason for him to be texting her. Block his number on her phone.

[West.]

She is underaged so the first thing you could do is take her phone away and read the texts. Find out what they are saying and go from there.

 

That's a good idea, thank you. I might take her car away as well. That way, she can't go over there alone.

[basil67]

That's a good idea, thank you. I might take her car away as well. That way, she can't go over there alone.

 

This approach worries me: You'd be punishing her for their inappropriate behaviour.

 

I'd be more inclined to visit the inlaws alone and lay down the law. If they think you're overreacting, then that's their problem. You mentioned that he's married....but married or single, it sounds awfully like he's grooming your daughter. Let them know that you will be reporting their previous behaviour to the police if she's found at their place again.

 

I'd also be discussing this with your older daughter and making sure that she's fully aware of the situation.

[bubbaganoosh]

I was going to ask the same thing that basil 67 said. Does you older daughter know about her future in laws activities.

 

There's no reason for a grown married man to have a seventeen year old girls head on his lap. If it was me, I would let him and his wife know that if it happens again, wedding or no wedding someone is getting a old fashioned ass kicking and say it in a way they know your not playing games and then you let both your daughters know what these people do in their spare time so they know. This guy and lady have your daughter half way there in my opinion and it's up to you to put a stop to it.

[CarrieT]

I would let him and his wife know

Re-read the first post. He said the wife was right there.

[Lois_Griffin]

Sounds like these two disgusting deviants are just biding their time til your daughter is 18.

 

How utterly despicable.

[CarrieT]

Sounds like these two disgusting deviants are just biding their time til your daughter is 18.

They may not have waited which is why I think the phone she be taken and investigated. See how far the communication has been taken.

[West.]

We went through her phone. Nothing from the dad, so we looked at the texts from the mom, and there wasn't really anything there, but the kept talking about our son in laws best friend so we decided to look at the texts from him. That's where we found explicitly sexual texts and pictures. This boy is twenty-six. I don't know what to do, but I think we are going to shut her phone off.

 

It didn't ease my mind about the parents either. I could see them bring smart enough to not get caught if they were messing around with my daughter.

Edited June 18, 2016 by West.

[bubbaganoosh]

Re-read the first post. He said the wife was right there.

 

Yeah I know and that why I would be talking to both of them at the same time because this guys wife isn't much of a woman if she's letting her husband hang around a seventeen year old girl. She's every bit at fault with the guy.

[CarrieT]

We went through her phone. Nothing from the dad, so we looked at the texts from the mom, and there wasn't really anything there, but the kept talking about our son in laws best friend so we decided to look at the texts from him. That's where we found explicitly sexual texts and pictures. This boy is twenty-six. I don't know what to do, but I think we are going to shut her phone off.

 

It didn't ease my mind about the parents either. I could see them bring smart enough to not get caught if they were messing around with my daughter.

 

Well, she *is* under aged so if they have had sex, you could have him arrested for statutory rape and get him on the Sexual Predator Registry.

 

That's just a beginning....

[MJJean]

We went through her phone. Nothing from the dad, so we looked at the texts from the mom, and there wasn't really anything there, but the kept talking about our son in laws best friend so we decided to look at the texts from him. That's where we found explicitly sexual texts and pictures. This boy is twenty-six. I don't know what to do, but I think we are going to shut her phone off.

 

It didn't ease my mind about the parents either. I could see them bring smart enough to not get caught if they were messing around with my daughter.

 

You are aware that sending sexually explicit messages and pictures to a minor is actually illegal, right?

 

What you should do is contact the police.

 

After that, tell your oldest DD that she is marrying into a family of creepy scumbags and you will not be attending any events or functions that include said scumbags and neither will your wife and daughter.

 

Then inform the scumbag family that they are no longer welcome around you or your wife or your child and that any further contact, even a HINT, will result in either swift and merciless street justice or reporting to the police and local child services agency...maybe both.

 

I feel so sorry for your oldest DD. I have a feeling that marrying the spawn of such people will not end well for her.

[West.]

I've gone ahead and gotten copies of all the messages. Then I informed my daughter the phone is off and the car is gone. Then I called my daughter and her fiance and told them we needed to talk. I brought up the parents behavior, both said nothing was going on. What I saw at the house was a bad, awkward situation that wasn't what it'd looked like. My daughter said she asked him about it when left. He hasn't, and wouldn't do anything inappropriate. Yeah, right.

 

Then I brought up the texts and showed them to them. They said that they both knew. They knew they were attracted to each other, they knew they were engaged in these conversations, but not having sex, they are dating and no one told me because they knew I'd get mad.

 

I'm very upset. I like the boy my daughter is going to marry. I liked the friend. I liked the parents. I am so disappointed that they have all betrayed my trust.

 

I'm looking into legality of the whole thing as we speak, but because she is seventeen there might not be much I can do. What a great Father's Day this is going to be.

[noelle303]

I've gone ahead and gotten copies of all the messages. Then I informed my daughter the phone is off and the car is gone. Then I called my daughter and her fiance and told them we needed to talk. I brought up the parents behavior, both said nothing was going on. What I saw at the house was a bad, awkward situation that wasn't what it'd looked like. My daughter said she asked him about it when left. He hasn't, and wouldn't do anything inappropriate. Yeah, right.

 

Then I brought up the texts and showed them to them. They said that they both knew. They knew they were attracted to each other, they knew they were engaged in these conversations, but not having sex, they are dating and no one told me because they knew I'd get mad.

 

I'm very upset. I like the boy my daughter is going to marry. I liked the friend. I liked the parents. I am so disappointed that they have all betrayed my trust.

 

I'm looking into legality of the whole thing as we speak, but because she is seventeen there might not be much I can do. What a great Father's Day this is going to be.

 

A 26 year old dating a 17 year old? Yeah, that is just plain creepy to me. What does he have in common with a high school girl? And I hope you explained to your other daughter and her fiance just how wrong they were to keep this from you. Do they seriously see nothing wrong with the situation?

 

Talk to the younger girl, no judgments, no yelling, just try and understand what is she thinking and her relationships with both the in-laws and this grown man.

 

Have you contacted him (the guy she is dating)?

[BettyDraper]

You are aware that sending sexually explicit messages and pictures to a minor is actually illegal, right?

 

What you should do is contact the police.

 

After that, tell your oldest DD that she is marrying into a family of creepy scumbags and you will not be attending any events or functions that include said scumbags and neither will your wife and daughter.

 

Then inform the scumbag family that they are no longer welcome around you or your wife or your child and that any further contact, even a HINT, will result in either swift and merciless street justice or reporting to the police and local child services agency...maybe both.

 

I feel so sorry for your oldest DD. I have a feeling that marrying the spawn of such people will not end well for her.

 

This. The whole family seems to lack boundaries about appropriate behaviour and they are encouraging a minor to get involved with an adult. I can't fathom how an older sister would be fine with her younger sibling getting involved with a grown man either.

 

I won't comment on how you should handle this situation with your daughter because I'm not a parent. Despite that, I can still see that your older daughter is joining a dysfunctional clan where anything goes in terms of sex and interacting with kids. Yuck!

[MJJean]

We know that children tend to mimic the marriage and behaviors their parents modeled for them. Considering the inappropriate behavior you have observed, OP, I think you have been too lenient. I certainly wouldn't support my daughter marrying someone who comes from such a family. At all. Period.

[West.]

We had a talk with our daughter to ask what was going on and why. She maintains that what saw up at the house was just walking in at the wrong moment. I don't really buy it, but we're hitting bedrock trying to figure out that relationship. They're just her friends, they make her feel important. We are trying to explain teenagers aren't friends with people in their fifties.

 

With the boy, she keeps repeating they haven't had sex. The texts were wrong and she knows it, but she loves him. She's a kid, she doesn't know what love is!

 

I'll hand it to her she has handled this gracefully. She didn't fight over the car or the phone. She just let me take them and has stayed in her room crying... she'll come out and eat or watch TV for a little bit but keeps to herself.

[BettyDraper]

We had a talk with our daughter to ask what was going on and why. She maintains that what saw up at the house was just walking in at the wrong moment. I don't really buy it, but we're hitting bedrock trying to figure out that relationship. They're just her friends, they make her feel important. We are trying to explain teenagers aren't friends with people in their fifties.

 

With the boy, she keeps repeating they haven't had sex. The texts were wrong and she knows it, but she loves him. She's a kid, she doesn't know what love is!

 

I'll hand it to her she has handled this gracefully. She didn't fight over the car or the phone. She just let me take them and has stayed in her room crying... she'll come out and eat or watch TV for a little bit but keeps to herself.

 

They make your daughter feel important huh? Sounds like this lovely couple was grooming her. I'm glad that you took a stand because this is gross.

 

I'm wondering if your daughter needs extra attention or someone to talk to about how lonely she is. Do you think your daughter might benefit from some extra love from you and your wife? I'm not saying that you don't cherish your daughter. It obvious that you care deeply for her as most parents do for their children. I'm just suggesting that some additional doting could go a long way.

 

The way your daughter keeps repeating that she hasn't had sex with that older pervert, makes me think that maybe they did other things together and she's trying to rationalize those actions in her head.

[West.]

We all went to dinner last night. It was obvious our daughter wanted to sit by them, but she didn't. They all talked a little but probably didn't say much because my wife and I were right there. She cried the whole the way home, and said we "didn't understand" when in reality, she doesn't understand. I feel bad, but I can't let bad things happen to her, and people take advantage of her even if that's what she thinks she wants.

 

I'm still looking into legal actions regarding the texts with my son in law's friend, but seventeen seems to be a limbo year for my state.

[anika99]

We had a talk with our daughter to ask what was going on and why. She maintains that what saw up at the house was just walking in at the wrong moment. I don't really buy it, but we're hitting bedrock trying to figure out that relationship. They're just her friends, they make her feel important. We are trying to explain teenagers aren't friends with people in their fifties.

 

With the boy, she keeps repeating they haven't had sex. The texts were wrong and she knows it, but she loves him. She's a kid, she doesn't know what love is!

 

I'll hand it to her she has handled this gracefully. She didn't fight over the car or the phone. She just let me take them and has stayed in her room crying... she'll come out and eat or watch TV for a little bit but keeps to herself.

 

She says it was just a matter of you walking in at the wrong moment? What does that even mean??! When is it the right moment to walk in and see your teenage daughters head in the lap of an older married man? Have you had a talk with that guy? I know if it was my kid I'd be giving that man a huge piece of my mind.

 

 

Don't tell her that she doesn't know what love is as that will make her feel misunderstood and you will create the Romeo and Juliette tragic love story situation. I fell in love for the first time when I was sixteen and while I made a poor choice and I was naïve and inexperienced, it was real love to me. I ended up spending almost 10 years with that guy and had 2 kids with him. By the way he was 25. I made a poor choice but I did really love him and I still care about him to this day even though our relationship ended more than 20 yrs ago. Don't invalidate your daughters feelings because that will push her towards the guy.

[West.]

She says it was just a matter of you walking in at the wrong moment? What does that even mean??! When is it the right moment to walk in and see your teenage daughters head in the lap of an older married man? Have you had a talk with that guy? I know if it was my kid I'd be giving that man a huge piece of my mind.

 

 

Don't tell her that she doesn't know what love is as that will make her feel misunderstood and you will create the Romeo and Juliette tragic love story situation. I fell in love for the first time when I was sixteen and while I made a poor choice and I was naïve and inexperienced, it was real love to me. I ended up spending almost 10 years with that guy and had 2 kids with him. By the way he was 25. I made a poor choice but I did really love him and I still care about him to this day even though our relationship ended more than 20 yrs ago. Don't invalidate your daughters feelings because that will push her towards the guy.

I've been seething every time I've seen him since, so I haven't talked to him about it yet. I still want to kick his ass over it, and if it happens again I will.

 

I haven't told my daughter she doesn't know what love is. That's just what I think. We've been careful about what we have said because we don't want it to push her towards them or that boy. While I haven't wanted to be, I've figured it would be best. The last thing I is for her to get hurt, or worse pregnant. I've tried to keep my cool about the situation whenever we have talked about it.

 

I think I'm mostly mad at my oldest for knowing these things are happening and not doing anything about it.

[JoeSmith357-1]

I would be more concerned if she was 16 or younger. How close to 18 is she?

 

For reference, 17 year olds go to college. They go to frat parties, they get drunk and unspeakable things happen there. It happens. And it's part of growing up.

 

Yes, you don't want it happening while she's "under your roof", and honestly I think a 9 years age difference for someone at 17 is a bit much. But it's not completely scandalous or unheard of. I would chalk this up to a life lesson she is learning.

 

Illegal? Maybe technically, depending on your state laws. They vary greatly on this subject.

[West.]

I would be more concerned if she was 16 or younger. How close to 18 is she?

 

For reference, 17 year olds go to college. They go to frat parties, they get drunk and unspeakable things happen there. It happens. And it's part of growing up.

 

Yes, you don't want it happening while she's "under your roof", and honestly I think a 9 years age difference for someone at 17 is a bit much. But it's not completely scandalous or unheard of. I would chalk this up to a life lesson she is learning.

 

Illegal? Maybe technically, depending on your state laws. They vary greatly on this subject.

I keep all of what you said in mind. She turned seventeen four months ago. If she was sixteen that boy would already be in jail. The thing is, I like him. before this, I absolutely trusted him. He's stayed the night here in the past (not with my youngest in the house). He's come for dinner, I've taken him and my son in law golfing. Finding these messages crushed my wife and me. Because as much as I like him, I have to be the parent first.

[West.]

Last night after returning home from some errands my wife discovered our daughter, her car, and her phone were gone. She broke the lock on the drawer they were in and took them.

 

The first place we went was their house. We just showed up, because we knew if she was there and knew we were coming she'd run.

 

When we got there we knocked and the dad answered. It smelled like pot and he was obviously high. He told us to come in. A few people we knew were there, and they were all smoking, which was uncomfortable. I asked if they had seen her, they said they hadn't but they would try and call her. So with us there they called her number and asked where she was. She said she was with her best friend and they were coming over. They said not to because they weren't in a condition where the kids should be around.

 

Then the dad told her that we were looking for her and she needed to go home. She started crying and saying she missed them and wanted to see them. The mom said she couldn't come over because they were stoned and didn't want her around that. She was so upset, but finally they talked her in to going home and told her that they would see her soon.

 

It was a long night.