nade1958 Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 So my daughter wants to go to the beach with bf and family. She is a great kid who works very hard in school and holds down a part time job. I am all for it. My husband isn't and forbids her to go. We never went on vacations as he is not the vacationing type therefore she never went to the beach until her senior year with classmates. She has told me she is going and will just tell him she is going somewhere else..its for the weekend. I am struggling with the dishonesty but i don't want to deny her a good time. Oh..also she has known him for a year now but just really started dating him a few months ago. Both my husband and I like him. Am I wrong to go along with this? Thanks for your opinions 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 How does your husband propose forbidding her from going and making it stick, and why does your daughter feel the need to be dishonest about going anyways? He may not like it, but your daughter is an adult and gets to make her own decisions. But part of being an adult is to have the courage to stand by her decisions. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 I understand how he feels. You want to protect them forever. She's 21 years old though and doesn't need his permission. He's going to have to learn to let go. I agree that your daughter shouldn't lie to him, but he shouldn't try to coerce her at this age. Both of those things are damaging to the father-daughter relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 The girl probably does deserve to go to the beach, but only you can guess at the upheaval the dishonesty may cause there within your family. It is probably wrong to tell you to be dishonest, even though the cause is mostly a noble and should-be-harmless one. You might do better all around by standing up to your husband, on just this one subject, and having everything out in the open, without the need for the secret. It remains difficult for outsiders to guess at the effects of so doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 If you keep treating your adult daughter like a child, she will never learn to make decisions for herself in a responsible way and she will be very vulnerable to abusive men. She isn't a 'great kid'. She is a great ADULT. A lot of girls leave home at the age of 18 and go away to university or move out when they get a job, they are allowed to grow up. If your husband chooses to dominate and infantilise your daughter and you go along with it, she will never be allowed to develop to her full potential. Whether your husband is the vacationing type or not, this is none of his concern. Your daughter is entitled to have a life and being treated with respect. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 He doesn't have the right forbid it. She can make her own decisions now. She shouldn't lie about it, but she should go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 She's 21, not 12. She shouldn't have to lie to your husband to do what she wants. What hold does he have over her at this point? Is she still living at home? Are you paying for her college expenses or something? I don't understand how your husband could think he could control what your daughter does at this age... even if she does live home or go to college... she's an adult. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 Many 21 year olds have been out of the home, and away at college etc for 3 years. I was 22 when I graduated college, moved 500 miles away, got an apartment with my boy friend, a full time job. I couldn't imagine needing PERMISSION from my mommy and daddy to go on a weekend beach trip at that age. She is an adult, she is no longer your little girl that needs her hand held. If you coddle her forever, she will never learn how to be a responsible adult. When does it end? 25 and still has to ask for permission from daddy? Maybe he will want to wait until she is 30 before releasing her from under his thumb. I think you should stand up to your husband, and support your daughter as an ADULT so that she does not have to lie. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Can we maybe hear what are some of his reasons for not ''letting'' her go? At 21 I was living on my own for over 3 years and pretty much only visited my parents on the occasional 3 day weekend or holiday. Can't imagine asking my parents' permission for going on a trip with a boyfriend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Good thing your husband isn't married to me. I just sent my 17 year old daughter off to firefly with a group of her friends for four days in another state. She just graduated HS last night and turns 18 in July. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 She's 21... too what age do you believe your husband should be able to control your daughters life to this level? I'm guessing you guys are from a different culture, where the daughter has to follow the families wishes until she is married. But I'm also guessing you live in a western country now, and if your daughter was raised there then you need to realize that you can't have it both ways. You can't choose to move to a different society and expect nothing to change. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 BTDT. What's missing? YOU standing up for your daughter. Tell your H that she is going with her boyfriend and his family, it's your decision, and you won't hear any more discussion about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cablebandit Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 Your husband is in the wrong, you are in the wrong and your daughter is in the wrong. Your daughter will know you are lying to your husband. Your marriage is the primary source for your daughter's knowledge about how marriage works. You don't want her thinking lying to a spouse is acceptable. She shouldn't expect you to cover her lie. Don't let her get away with that. Part of being an adult is dealing with conflict and accepting the consequences of her choices. Your husband needs to let her grow into an adult and make adult decisions. He is worried about one thing only..SEX. She is having sex and doing all the things he fears. That's what adults do. SHe is going to have sex on vacation and she is going to have sex before they go. Adults have sex....deal with it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 She's an adult at 21 and doesn't need anyones permission to go anywhere. That's why I was living alone at 21 because I had smothering parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Fuerza Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 If you keep treating your adult daughter like a child, she will never learn to make decisions for herself in a responsible way and she will be very vulnerable to abusive men. She isn't a 'great kid'. She is a great ADULT. A lot of girls leave home at the age of 18 and go away to university or move out when they get a job, they are allowed to grow up. If your husband chooses to dominate and infantilise your daughter and you go along with it, she will never be allowed to develop to her full potential. Whether your husband is the vacationing type or not, this is none of his concern. Your daughter is entitled to have a life and being treated with respect. I couldn't agree with this more. At some point as a parent you have to let go. My parents never let me go, at this point at the age of 25 they still treat me as a child. When I was younger I would attract men that were abusive, narcissists and dominant. They knew how to use me as a I never had the chance to see the world as it truly is because I always relied on my parents for everything. Worse thing of all, is I ended up doing all sorts of things without my parents knowing to basically cut the umbilical cord from them. So please, let your daughter out in the real world, let her make her own mistakes, learn from them and most important let her get to know the real world. The more you don't allow her to do certain things, the more she will feel suffocated and will do all certain things without you knowing and lie. Which is the last thing you want as a parent. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 My DD25 and I had to take her father to therapy when she was in 11th grade, for him to hear from a professional that he was smothering her. In 11th grade, he still didn't let her go to the mall without an adult! The therapist helped him understand that it was a natural progression, that she NEEDED to do these things alone to learn to be a functional adult. Even today, she's more or less engaged, living with her boyfriend, and she told her dad they're moving in with a friend of hers, and she's scared of her dad's reaction (he doesn't like this friend or her family). She shouldn't be dealing with this crap at 25. But she is because I was too chicken to stand up to her dad about this stuff. She learned to be afraid of him from ME. I'm working hard to overcome it with her (pushing her to make her own decisions, etc.) but it's an uphill battle, because I never stood up to her father. How would she know any differently? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 She shouldn't have to lie. I think you should tell her to go, and then both you and her can sit down with your husband together and explain that she is an adult and can make her own decisions now. Is there a reason you are afraid to stand up to your husband about this? Hopefully he isn't abusive? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 If she has to lie to your husband about something as small and inconsequential as going to the beach, what else is she lying about? Tell the truth, and have her do the same, or else you are paving the way for your daughter lying to you both about everything....like she is probably already doing. Link to post Share on other sites
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