paperboy48 Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 My 11-year old daughter said she wanted to go to my wife's (her step-mother's) upcoming baby shower, when invitations first went out, etc. Now, she doesn't want to go because she has a track meet that she'd rather go to. My wife and my daughter get along fabuolusly and have for the last 3 years! My wife is hurt tremendesouly by this. My wife goes above and beyond of what she is expected and goes to all of my daughters sports and events. When my daughter asked me if she could skip the shower, I didn't tell her she had to go to the shower... I told her she is old enough to make her own decison but to realize she is going to hurt my wife (most of all) and me. She still doesn't want to go to the shower. I feel this is going to place a huge strain on my daughers relationship with my wife, as my wife is really really hurt by this. My wife was looking forward to my daughter being a part of the shower, plus she is going to be embaressed when asked "Where is your step-daughter ?". Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Problem solve. Can she participate without actually being there? For instance, if you explain to her how important it is to your wife that she is involved, would she help with the decorating, baking, preparing decorations, etc? In that way, she shows her love, and your wife would have a good answer when asked, "Where is SD?" "She had a schedule conflict, but she made these centerpieces for us to enjoy :love:" 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 When does an 11 year old get to dictate, whether or not she attends important family events? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 She's eleven. Has a track meet. Your wife should be the adult here. In my opinion, your daughter shouldn't be required to go to the shower if she had nothing to do. Hopefully, your wife and her friends don't make a big deal of an eleven year old attending a baby shower. Let's hope they are a little more mature than that. If not, you have bigger problems than an eleven year old who would rather go to her track meet. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author paperboy48 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Share Posted June 7, 2016 When does an 11 year old get to dictate, whether or not she attends important family events? When she has her mother on the other side, in her corner! Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I agree with Elaine, but I would also say that your daughter is a child and your wife is an adult. Is your wife really planning on allowing this one incident to change her relationship with your daughter forever? It sounds like she (your wife) has a lot of growing up to do, and hopefully she does it soon, before she pops that baby out. Would she do something like that to her own kid? What happens when it's a teenager? Teenagers are inherently disrespectful..is your wife going to disown the kid or guilt trip it for the rest of it's life if it decides not to attend an event she wants it to attend? This is terrible parenting on your wife's part..please don't let her treat your daughter poorly if she decides to go to the track meet... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Look, this one event is not going to make or break ANYTHING unless the adults hold a big grudge. You're giving her mixed messages, maybe due to her mother being involved. It's not fair to your daughter to guilt her into going (we won't make you go, but you'll hurt us if you dont'....) She's 11; a kid. Do you know why she doesn't want to go? Is there a reason that her skipping would be so hurtful? Kids do/say a lot of stuff that stings, but it's the adult's job to keep it in perspective and respond as an adult. We don't look to our kids for meeting emotional needs. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Can I also ask why an 11 year old would want to go to a baby shower anyway? Will there even be any other kids there? Adult parties are boring as all get out when you're too young to drink..oops I mean when you're the only kid there. 15 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Can I also ask why an 11 year old would want to go to a baby shower anyway? Will there even be any other kids there? Adult parties are boring as all get out when you're too young to drink..oops I mean when you're the only kid there. That's what I was thinking. What if it were an eleven year old boy? Would she still be "embarrassed" if he went to a track meet instead? Would it still cause a "huge strain" on the relationship with your wife? Would she still be "really hurt"? If so, the wife needs to grow up. Stop being childish and petty. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author paperboy48 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Share Posted June 7, 2016 Can I also ask why an 11 year old would want to go to a baby shower anyway? Will there even be any other kids there? Adult parties are boring as all get out when you're too young to drink..oops I mean when you're the only kid there. Friends of ours children are invited. Ones that my daughter knows well. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 How much of this is competition/tension between mom and step-mom? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Honestly whether she goes or not, the real issue here is your wife's reaction to this. When you say it would 'strain their relationship', can you explain what you mean by that? What would the difference be? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Yellowteacup Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 If the 11 year old girl doesn't want to go, then don't force her to go. Maybe she feels uncomfortable with the fact that her Father is having a child with someone else. It's a lot to think about for a kid. On the outside, maybe she's just fine and dandy, but on the inside, it's a confusing bewildering time. It would be better to have a small get together with you, your wife, and your daughter and talk about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author paperboy48 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Share Posted June 7, 2016 Honestly whether she goes or not, the real issue here is your wife's reaction to this. When you say it would 'strain their relationship', can you explain what you mean by that? What would the difference be? How about the fact that my wife is a fantastic step-mother to my daughter (and her twin-brother) and supports them by going to all of their activites (which there's a lot of) instead of doing things that maybe she'd rather be doing for herself. Then when my daughter is asked to do one thing for us, she bales and puts herself first. I am well aware she is eleven... I'm trying to teach her not to be selfish! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 How about the fact that my wife is a fantastic step-mother to my daughter (and her twin-brother) and supports them by going to all of their activites (which there's a lot of) instead of doing things that maybe she'd rather be doing for herself. Then when my daughter is asked to do one thing for us, she bales and puts herself first. I am well aware she is eleven... I'm trying to teach her not to be selfish! Yes, adults do a lot of things for children that aren't returned equally. Is this the hill to die on? I'm thinking from your "mom" comment that there is a lot more at issue here than DD11 being selfish. The year is made up of hundreds of opportunities, big and small, to teach about selflessness. Further, the primary way of teaching is by modeling. Hard truth: is your daughter being pulled between mom and step mom? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 How about the fact that my wife is a fantastic step-mother to my daughter (and her twin-brother) and supports them by going to all of their activites (which there's a lot of) instead of doing things that maybe she'd rather be doing for herself. Then when my daughter is asked to do one thing for us, she bales and puts herself first. I am well aware she is eleven... I'm trying to teach her not to be selfish! A fantastic parent (or step parent) does not alter the ENTIRE fabric of their relationship with a child just because the child is digging their heels in about one single event... I agree that kids need boundaries, they need to learn respect, they need to learn not to be selfish..again, that is not what I think is concerning most people here. It's about the fact that your wife would allow this ONE instance to change how she treats your daughter. Why are you protecting your wife over your child?? Why do you so adamantly refuse to admit that your wife might be wrong in this case? Does your wife only do kind things for your kids in order to get something in return from them? Good parents don't keep score. They don't withhold love or affection or attention as punishment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author paperboy48 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Share Posted June 7, 2016 It's about the fact that your wife would allow this ONE instance to change how she treats your daughter. That is a concern of mine... that this will change things with them. I am not saying its going to happen. I'm saying things have been really good with all of us since my wife came into the picture and now I am hoping this doesn't put a wrench into it! Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 That is a concern of mine... that this will change things with them. I am not saying its going to happen. I'm saying things have been really good with all of us since my wife came into the picture and now I am hoping this doesn't put a wrench into it! Let's hope that your wife is mature enough to rise above. I can't see how this would have any long term effect. Your daughter will be so different in 2 years...and in 5 years...and 10 years than she is now (as she is just a child now). Do you fear that imperfect kids will ruin your marriage or something? No kids are perfect.... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Aye, aye - alright, here is my perspective. My dad remarried when I was 12. I have always been active in sports, in particular my horse competitions, for which I have missed mother's day, father's day, thanksgiving etc etc... How about the fact that my wife is a fantastic step-mother to my daughter (and her twin-brother) and supports them by going to all of their activites (which there's a lot of) instead of doing things that maybe she'd rather be doing for herself. Then when my daughter is asked to do one thing for us, she bales and puts herself first. I am well aware she is eleven... I'm trying to teach her not to be selfish! Ya know - when you CHOOSE to have children, or when you choose to hitch up with someone with children, it means a lot of sacrifice. It means putting the CHILD FIRST again and again and again. There are a bazillion things I rather be doing then going to a kid's activity - A major reason why I don't have children, and won't date anyone with children. Your daughter did not choose your new wife. Your daughter did not choose to start a new family, and to make sacrifices to keep mom #2 happy - that is something you choose, so I think it would be best to explain to your new wife, that the kid's priorities get to stay her priorities. I can tell ya, if I had to miss one of my sports events because new mom's feelings would be hurt - I would have been pretty damn resentful. Does your daughter request that she attend her sporting events? Where is mom during these?Is there any consequence if she misses her meet? Does it hurt the team, her year end results etc? When my daughter asked me if she could skip the shower, I didn't tell her she had to go to the shower... I told her she is old enough to make her own decison but to realize she is going to hurt my wife (most of all) and me. She still doesn't want to go to the shower. Ahh guilt tripping! Wonderful, that surely won't result in resentment. Seriously, you just guilt tripped an 11 year old girl, because she wants to go to her sporting event, rather than a baby shower for step mom? I have news for you - it doesn't get easier. The teen years are almost upon you, and navigating them with a "blended family" is not easy. You and new wife need to be the adults here, and not let your feelings get so hurt by the selfishness of an 11 year old child. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 That is a concern of mine... that this will change things with them. I am not saying its going to happen. I'm saying things have been really good with all of us since my wife came into the picture and now I am hoping this doesn't put a wrench into it! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Well this makes more sense! You were making your wife out to look horribly immature..lets hope she never sees this! So these are YOUR neuroses and not your wife or daughters..you are just projecting onto them. Dude..kids can be *******s sometimes, fact of life. Hopefully both you and your wife are prepared for this. I get that second marriages can be rough, especially when another kid is coming into the picture, but this is truly not that big a deal. In fact, you should be proud that your daughter is so dedicated to her track team..this is a good sign for later in life! Give your daughter a break. Please. Maybe the track meet is a big important meet for her. Give the kid the benefit of the doubt here. I really doubt she's intentionally trying to hurt your wife. Relax pops, this is not a make or break moment and you shouldn't try to make it into one. You will have many more moments like this..you cannot flip out every time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Also, I would look into some counseling, as you appear to be having a hard time integrating your two families. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Relax pops, this is not a make or break moment and you shouldn't try to make it into one. You will have many more moments like this..you cannot flip out every time. Seconded! If you get this worked up about the kid declining a baby shower (when given the choice), you are in for a rough ride in the teenage years 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Does anyone know how the 11yo daughter feels about the soon-to-be step-sibling??? (and, more significantly, what that innocent step-sibling represents) I recall a young me having been none too fond of a full-sibling upon the announcement of her upcoming birth, so heaven knows how that would have magnified had it been a step-sibling. And since when does a "baby shower" equate to a kids party anyway? Are they going to play musical chairs? How many of them will even know where babies come from? Don't make her go, and don't hold her decision against her. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 This is a tough situation for your daughter. You should really use this opportunity to sit down and talk to her about how she's feeling about all of this. Step-mother with a new baby on the way. She may feel like she's getting pushed out of the way with Dad's new family. Her not wanting to go is her way of telling you that she's not happy. Talk to her and really listen to what she has to say. Help her deal with the emotions. Is her twin brother expected to go as well? If he isn't, which I'm assuming he isn't because baby showers are (usually) just for women.... then she may feel resentment that she has to but he doesn't. Personally, I wouldn't force her to go. She's old enough to start making decisions about things like this. She should make an informed decision though and talk it through with you. It wouldn't hurt for your wife to talk to her privately too about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 If you're giving her the choice then you really can't do it conditional upon her making the choice you prefer. It's not really a choice then is it? Just make up your mind. If it's of vital importance than you should have just told her daughter she has to be there. End of story. Since you offered her a choice she legitimately thought she had one, never be surprised when a kid takes you at face value and fails to spot your manipulation and play along. She's a kid. To be honest, it's no 11yr olds job to support a fully grown woman in her happiness of having a baby. I mean seriously if your daughter were 16 or something I could understand. But she's a tween with little interest in these things and to be honest you'll be relieved she has little interest in such things in a few years time. Let the mother henning come from people old enough to give it, the other women who are invited. I was never invited nor expected to attend any kind of adult events like that when I was a kid. In fact we were all thrown out of the house and told to go play with matches.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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