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My son has a hard time with sleeping through the night


Iceshowers

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Iceshowers

My son has always been a horrible sleeper since he was born. Even when I implemented bedtime routine, he still would wake up 1-3 times a night. By the age of 3, I kinda gave up and let him sleep with us in the bed since I worked full-time and then just started college full-time, so waking up up to 3x a night was killing me.

 

I separated from his dad a few months ago and we moved to my home that I bought. So because of the changes from separating from his dad, a new school (he wasn't going to daycare prior to the separation), I waited to do a bedtime routine until he was adjusted (didn't want a bunch of changes at once and him to react badly); so at that time, he was sleeping with me. I started bedtime routine again about a month ago, some days he would sleep all night, but most times he would wake up between 1-2 times a night. It is finally starting to get to me with the interrupted sleep. It is wearing me down.

 

I ask him why he can't sleep through, why he wakes up and seeks me, he says because he's scared. BUT there's a night light in his room (not TOO bright where it would wake him up). I asked him what scares him, he says he doesn't know. So I asked him to show me what scares him, he says he doesn't know. I'm starting to believe he's just doing this act to go back to my bed. I tried to reward him for sleeping all the way through the night, but it honestly doesn't last. When he does, he's very proud and he tells me in the mornings how he didn't wake up, which I love and I praise him for it. But I just don't know how to handle the waking up 1-2x a night or what to do to help him sleep through the night. He is 4.. will be 5 late October.

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I would tell him you will let him turn a bigger light on (maybe an adjoining bathroom or a table lamp) when he gets scared on the condition he not come wake you up but just turn the light on and go back to sleep.

 

I had a terrible time sleeping as a child, always terrified. I did sleep with my mother too long (supposed to sleep with older sister 7 years older but she was too mean to me). As a 63 year old, I now sleep with a central home light on as well as the television on low for light and some white noise. I used to try not to have the light on until I was in my 30s and this guy told me just to turn all the lights on if that's what it took, so I stopped feeling bad about wanting the lights on and just did it. I was so exhausted, and the lights don't keep you awake. They help you relax and sleep. I used never to get much sleep until dawn when young and then I'd have to get up exhausted right when i was sleeping good.

 

Having a dog sleep with you helps too, although they can bark at what seems like nothing sometimes.

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Iceshowers

Well, it was my son's idea to get a night light that wasn't too bright because then it would wake him up, his words. So we went out to Target and bought one he liked. And I'm not 100% knocking out the idea that he's indeed scared, but he always answers with "I don't know" when I ask him WHAT scares him. So my co-worker told me to ask him to show me what scares him because he might not know yet how to fully explain what is scaring him at night. So I have been asking both questions and still getting the same exact answer.

 

I will try the turning on the light idea.

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See a child psychologist. My friend went through much the same with her child and the psychologist gave excellent strategies for fixing the issues.

 

Does your child have other anxiety issues? If so, it's another reason to see the psychologist.

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Well, it was my son's idea to get a night light that wasn't too bright because then it would wake him up, his words. So we went out to Target and bought one he liked. And I'm not 100% knocking out the idea that he's indeed scared, but he always answers with "I don't know" when I ask him WHAT scares him. So my co-worker told me to ask him to show me what scares him because he might not know yet how to fully explain what is scaring him at night. So I have been asking both questions and still getting the same exact answer.

 

I will try the turning on the light idea.

 

It may not be a 'thing' which scares him. It could be something like a general sense of foreboding.

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Iceshowers
See a child psychologist. My friend went through much the same with her child and the psychologist gave excellent strategies for fixing the issues.

 

Does your child have other anxiety issues? If so, it's another reason to see the psychologist.

 

Sorry for the silly question, but what would be considered anxiety issues in a young child?

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Iceshowers

Also to add to this, when he does sleep with me or have slept with me, he doesn't wake up in the middle of the night at all. He's sleepy does seek me and hugs me or puts his arms over me, to make sure I'm there I guess.

 

At his father's house, he still sleeps with him, which doesn't help me on my end either.

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Sorry for the silly question, but what would be considered anxiety issues in a young child?

 

Like worrying about things which may not happen? Worries about preschool? Stomach aches for no apparent reason? Separation anxiety?

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Iceshowers
Like worrying about things which may not happen? Worries about preschool? Stomach aches for no apparent reason? Separation anxiety?

 

He has mild separation anxiety. He is ok with school (took him 2 weeks to get used to school, but he only goes 3x a week). Does ok with staying with my mom or sister, aslong as it's in a place he's comfortable in (like my home) and I would tell him I'm going now but will be back and so and so is here if he needs anything. When he was younger, there was no way I could do that as he would flip, but he's so much better now. But if I take him to a place he doesn't know or someone he hasn't gotten a chance to fully warm up to, and tell him I'm leaving him with them, then he will act up and cry.

 

He does pull the stomach ache excuse, but that's to not eat dinner, but he would ask for juice and a snack instead, so not sure if that counts really.

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amaysngrace

Maybe have him pick out some toy buddies like beanie babies or even a batman or something for him to sleep with.

 

Have you tried that yet?

 

You could also maybe stick him in some superhero pjs. It could make him brave!

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Art_Critic

of course it has to do with the separation, what to do..

 

Well.. when he wakes up he is alone and the only family member in the house who would help that is you.. night lights.. still will be lonely..

Your presence is the only fix...

You can't expect him to be self soothing with this, he isn't emotionally mature enough yet.

 

My wife and I have never separated and have a fine marriage but adopted a rule about being scared and waking up in the middle of the night..

 

First off we refused to do co-sleeping.. a good choice now that he is almost 9 and he prefers and has for many years to sleep in his own bed.

 

The rule is that he needs to go to bed/sleep in his own bed and if he wakes up in the middle of the night and gets scared or wants to be with us then he can come jump in bed with us, in the beginning there was a time or 2 that we had to scoop him back up and put him in his own bed because he would wake up before we had gone to bed and he would crash in our bed..

 

It is a simple rule and it still stands today...

 

He has only slept with us a handful of times in the last year... it's great because when he shows up you know he needs you and you get to be his support.

 

He did at the age of 5 or so wake up and come in our bed a handful of times each week and the older he has gotten it has lessened.

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Iceshowers
Maybe have him pick out some toy buddies like beanie babies or even a batman or something for him to sleep with.

 

Have you tried that yet?

 

You could also maybe stick him in some superhero pjs. It could make him brave!

 

He actually sleeps with 2 stuffed animals that he never parts with. His father got him used to those 2 stuffed animals (right before separation, but he grew more attached o them after we separated, and I let him do whatever with it as long as he's comfy). Those 2 stuffed animals goes NOWHERE without him. He even takes them to school lol.

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bathtub-row

You may want to think about what he's doing a few hours before bedtime. Is he watching movies that get him excited or wound up? Playing video games? Eating sweets?

 

What's his bedtime routine? Does he take a bath and play in the tub for awhile? This can be very relaxing for a child. Do you tuck him in and read to him? He may be one of those personality types that doesn't require a lot of sleep. If you're doing everything you can to make sure he's calm when he goes to bed, you may want to seek out ways for him to learn to deal with waking up -- like giving him a set of books that he has access to, playing quietly with his toys, etc. He needs to learn to stop waking you up in the middle of the night unless it's urgent, and find other things to do in his room.

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Art_Critic
It may not be a 'thing' which scares him. It could be something like a general sense of foreboding.

 

What scares him is his mom and dad are not together... what he has to learn is that his parents love him even when they aren't there and what the parent who is there needs to do is understand that and help him.. putting him back in bed where he is a!one and not doing anything more as that is his fear is on!y making it worse.

You have to be there for him.. If your choice is to make him be away from you in another room then you have to show him you are still there.. maybe make sure the two rooms are close and put a night light in each room..

We bought adjustable night lights and barely have them on..the safety company that makes kids stuff sells them.

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Your child needs to see a child therapist so he can work through his issues with all this. Kids that age don't understand why things happen, they are very self-centric and lack wisdom, so they naturally assume everything has something to do with them. He needs the help of a professional to overcome his misperceptions.

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My wife and I have never separated...

thank god for that, phew :laugh:

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Ok, so just an update. I think I might of figured out his sleeping problem. Since there's no routine at his father's house (which he stays with dad every Sunday night and Monday night and every other weekend), when he does come stay with me on Tuesday nights, he is still used to dad's schedule, so it takes him a day to adjust back to mine. So I think, if I'm not mistaken, every Tuesday night (when I get him), he is restless and wakes up 1-3 times a night.

 

So last Wednesday night, while we laid in his bed, I told him (as someone here mentioned!) that if he wakes up and feels scared, that he MAY turn on whatever light in his room (he has the overhead/fan light and a table lamp) and go back to sleep without waking me up. I told him that he doesn't need to be scared and that I'm just right next door. So Thursday I wake him up in the morning and his table lamp is on. The following night he didn't even need it on (he told me he woke up, but he just looked around and went back to sleep). So I'll keep notes and see if that's the actual pattern, hopefully once he's well adjusted to going back and forth to different homes with different routine, that it'll get better. (I just moved from his Dad's about 5 or 6 months ago).

 

Thank you all for the advice. I had also spoken to his dad about his separation anxiety, but that's another story lol.

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