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Daughter thinks she's ugly...


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I have a sixteen year old daughter. I was walking passed her room yesterday and I could hear her bawling. I walked in to see what the problem was and she told me that she's so ugly she wants to die, and doesn't understand why she doesn't look like my wife. My wife is blonde hair, blue eyed, really thin whereas our daughter looks a lot like my mom. Brown eyes, black hair, a little chubby, but she's not ugly... she just looks different. I tried to explain, but she was beside herself.

 

I know my mom struggles with her looks as well. She's even talked about it in front of my daughter and while she probably didn't cause it, it certainly didn't help. I know that when someone made the comment that my daughter looked like her she said "I know, poor baby. I was so upset when she didn't look like *my wife*" I was livid. I've never been comfortable with her saying that about herself, but in front of my daughter was infuriating.

 

My daughter is so sweet, creative and she loves animals, while also being beautiful. I'd say she's gorgeous... I hate that she feels this way. I know it probably won't mean much coming from her dad, but is there anything I can do?

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I'm not a parent but I think there's some virtue in not automatically contradicting sth someone says, even if it's self-deprecating, bc ppl generally want to be heard and understood and commiserated with more than they want their problems fixed or to be told they're concerns are bs. (Especially women.)

 

A good practical solution is to float a makeover for her from a professional cosmetologist. I don't know how tight you are with your daughter so she may or may not want you along (seems like more of a mom thing - where is she is all this?), but put it on your dime as both your gift to her and you're way of validating her feelings and saying you understand her without saying she's unattractive.

 

I'm guessing that even if she said "what's the point?" or whatever the typical teen reaction is, she'd be intrigued internally and would probably come around to it. And a little makeup here and there along with a hairstyle that actually fits your head and a style shift that suits you can really do wonders for self-image.

 

Good luck. :)

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IMO, continue to reassure her and focus on her positives that you mentioned which emanate from her, not the image in the mirror. Teen years are tough and peer integration can be brutal. Most of us have our own stuff which gets less and less relevant with each passing year.

 

Tell your mom, privately, to zip it. A son knows how to both be respectful of his mother and assert his role as a man and father. Set that boundary, and firmly.

 

If this is the worst of the teenage gauntlet for you, well you're a lucky man. Welcome to LS:)

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It's probably a lot to do with her peers too. Teenagers have a very narrow opinion of what they consider attractive. I'm a mixture of a few nationalities and I'm ethnic looking. When I was in school all the girls wanted to look like Farah Fawcett and all the boys thought girls should look like Farah Fawcett or Cheryl Tiegs. Tall blue eyed willowy blonds. Compared to those women I thought I was ugly too. But then I grew up, went out into the world and discovered that many people considered me beautiful. Some envied my darker skin, my big almond dark brown eyes, and my cheekbones. Some admired my naturally athletic and muscular build. Teens are brutal when it comes to judging another's looks but at the same time their tastes are usually lousy.

 

You have to let your daughter know that things will change and that when she grows up and starts meeting more mature and sophisticated people they will recognize and appreciate her beauty. As she gets older she will lose the baby fat, she will learn how to accentuate her natural beauty and she will shine. I have 2 young granddaughters. The oldest is a very pretty in a girl next store kind of way. blue eyes, pale skin and a delicate frame, and she will probably be a popular pretty girl while she's in school. The youngest is a bit different looking but only because she hasn't grown into her features yet. She has the captivating eyes and the amazing facial bone structure. She is going to be stunning but she might not realize it until she grows up and meets other adults who don't have such a narrow view of what beautiful should look like.

 

Also make it a point to tell your mother to keep her negative comments to herself.

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Conviction

Being a father to a little girl myself, this brought a tear to my eye, no joke. I hope I never have to hear my daughter say that when she gets to that age. I feel for you OP, you must be heartbroken beyond imagination.

 

 

I'm not putting down the poster above, but I don't know if I agree with the makeover idea. To me, that instills to your daughter that she is in fact ugly, and needs a makeover to fix it, which is not the case, sure it would probably make her feel pampered, but it doesn't solve the root of the problem.

 

OP, you need to take a walk with your daughter. No ohones, no activities, just a walk. This means more to kids than most parents think. When possible, gently bring up the subject and hear her out, let her vent. What would be helpful to you I think is finding out exactly why she feels she's ugly. Is it of her own judgment? Did a boy tell her that? Will she say "I see all the celebrities and they're skinny". Once you find out exactly where this idea is coming from, it will be much easier to show examples contradicting her reasons, and hopefully opening her eyes that she isn't ugly.

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My mom and I have had some conversations about keeping it to herself. Her response is usually that she wasn't talking about my baby, she was talking about herself. Then tells me she doesn't think that about her. It's difficult. the thing is, she isn't ugly, she's what a lot of people would also consider beautiful. I think part of it is that it was hard to be an Italian woman where she grew up and when she did.

 

My daughter and I are close, but I am not home a lot. I have a job that takes me away most of the time. She and my wife are close to but I don't think my daughter thinks she understands because she's always been "pretty". I will try and have a one-on-one with her though.

 

To the poster that says I should've listened, I maybe should have but it's not easy when your only child tells you they want to die. Then proceeds to tell you they're ugly.

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GorillaTheater
Being a father to a little girl myself, this brought a tear to my eye, no joke. I hope I never have to hear my daughter say that when she gets to that age. I feel for you OP, you must be heartbroken beyond imagination.

 

 

Yeah, me too. OP, I don't know that I have good advice for you, but I do want to share something for dads of young girls out there in general.

 

 

I read a long time ago how important it is for girls to hear that their dad thinks that they're pretty. With some regularity that's exactly what I tell my daughters. It's true, they are beautiful. All of our daughters are.

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Conviction
Yeah, me too. OP, I don't know that I have good advice for you, but I do want to share something for dads of young girls out there in general.

 

 

I read a long time ago how important it is for girls to hear that their dad thinks that they're pretty. With some regularity that's exactly what I tell my daughters. It's true, they are beautiful. All of our daughters are.

 

Very good point. I actually wrote something to that effect in my first post, but deleted it. Before my daughter could even speak, I always told her she looked pretty, just out of the blue, at the most random times I will tell her. Since I only have a percentage of time with her now, I always make it a point to say it several times a day.

 

I'm glad you brought this up, because like you said, it's simple to do, yet so very important.

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Conviction
My mom and I have had some conversations about keeping it to herself. Her response is usually that she wasn't talking about my baby, she was talking about herself. Then tells me she doesn't think that about her. It's difficult. the thing is, she isn't ugly, she's what a lot of people would also consider beautiful. I think part of it is that it was hard to be an Italian woman where she grew up and when she did.

 

My daughter and I are close, but I am not home a lot. I have a job that takes me away most of the time. She and my wife are close to but I don't think my daughter thinks she understands because she's always been "pretty". I will try and have a one-on-one with her though.

 

To the poster that says I should've listened, I maybe should have but it's not easy when your only child tells you they want to die. Then proceeds to tell you they're ugly.

 

I think the one on one is going to mean a lot to her OP. Try to get to the root of why she's thinking that and go from there. And even if you think it wont mean as much coming from you, tell her she's beautiful because it will mean the world to her.

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I’m not beautiful and my daughters aren’t beautiful- so what? Most people aren’t beautiful. I mean, really, look around at the girls and boys surrounding her in HS. The vast majority are not beautiful. Why pretend they are? Isn’t that lying while reinforcing the myth that beauty is some measure of your worth? Stephen Hawking isn’t beautiful. Ruth Bader Ginsburg isn’t beautiful. They don't care. Read newspapers and see who does things in this world. Very few care whether they're beautiful. Reality can be very comforting. What about saying, “So what? What do you want to do? Join the tennis team? Do a science competition? Learn to ride horses?”

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You can't do anything. Every mom says their kid is beautiful, smart, etc. even when the rest of the world does not. As a mom it comes from a place of love. Your daughter is going to have to fight this battle on her own, accept her looks, build her own confidence, etc...Unfortunately at 16, most kids believe what their peers think, if kids in school thinks shes ugly, or guys are taking no notice in her, that's what shes probably going to go off of. Once shes older, more mature, accepts her own beauty or worse case scenario gets desensitized to people insulting her(if this is the case), than she will change.

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todreaminblue

just be her dad .like you are doing so well.....tell her she is beautiful just as she is....i wanted so much to hear from that from my dad growing up it would have made the bullying i copped easier.....to feel supported by my dad...would have been...really special...

 

my stepdad would compare me to kids on talent shows on tv saying why cant you be like her..and i would look down and he would force me to look at the girl on tv....and then say to my mum.....look at her(meaning me) i always felt sorry for my mum when he did this..........he used to call me fats domino....all i ever wanted was his acceptance....not even to be told i was beautiful...nothing i ever did and i did quite alot...was ever good enough...acing in school..writing competitions i won.....my community service.... the job i did after school......i joined everything i could..and looking back i just wanted hsi love...nothing else...love and acceptance...its what teens need most.........

 

my heart aches for your daughters sadness......but what makes me smile..is the fact you are her dad.......just be you and tell her how you feel ..be honest....teens appreciate honesty....when its honesty with love......and tell her everyday that you love her.....best wishes....deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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todreaminblue
You can't do anything. Every mom says their kid is beautiful, smart, etc. even when the rest of the world does not. As a mom it comes from a place of love. Your daughter is going to have to fight this battle on her own, accept her looks, build her own confidence, etc...Unfortunately at 16, most kids believe what their peers think, if kids in school thinks shes ugly, or guys are taking no notice in her, that's what shes probably going to go off of. Once shes older, more mature, accepts her own beauty or worse case scenario gets desensitized to people insulting her(if this is the case), than she will change.

 

 

god gives family so you dont have to fight battles on your own as a kid......or as an adult kid.......hands and hearts to support the whole idea of family.....she shouldnt have to change to suit the world...its the world that needs to change.....and the only way to do that...is stand united...in love and compassion...to change the world and the bullies in it..especially within families...its what families are for..to stand together for what is right...deb

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We went on a walk together in the park, and I asked her why she felt that. There were a few reasons, people have said it. Some of which I have half the mind to call and freak out at, because they're friends of my wife and I. My nephew told her she would have a boyfriend if she looked like my wife. Then the boy she likes, likes girls that have blonde hair and blue eyes. I just tried to tell her that boys especially at her age, just like looks. Then I told her that her mom wishes she had black hair instead of blonde because of the way she gets treated by people. I think she felt better about herself after I said that.

 

 

Then, she said to me "Grandma doesn't think she's beautiful either." That's when my heart broke the most. I asked her if she thought my mom was ugly and she said no, she thinks she's beautiful. I told her that's what she looks like, and she is beautiful.

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I'm not being funny but she is 16, why don't you let her colour her hair any colour she wants? I used to colour mine (crazy colours, mostly). Then she will know it's no big deal.

 

Also, you said she is chubby. Have you ever encouraged her to learn to dance for example?

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By all means assure her that you think she's truly beautiful :love:

 

After that, put it back in perspective: beauty isn't all that important to be focusing on it, and put the focus on other qualities.

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I have a sixteen year old daughter. I was walking passed her room yesterday and I could hear her bawling. I walked in to see what the problem was and she told me that she's so ugly she wants to die, and doesn't understand why she doesn't look like my wife. My wife is blonde hair, blue eyed, really thin whereas our daughter looks a lot like my mom. Brown eyes, black hair, a little chubby, but she's not ugly... she just looks different.

 

Well, okay I can only share from my personal experience, I'm female, bear with me.

 

- At 16 all girls are a little chubby. Growth spurts, hormones ramping up etc. It's physiology. I don't recall either myself nor any of my friends having a gorgeous look at the age of 16. We were all awkward. There wasn't even a girl in my class that I thought looked beautiful or glamorous. This is just the way 16yrs old look. No longer a child but far from being the women we would be become. It took me a long time to accept that teenager hood is full of awkwardness and looking a little ungainly. It's unrealistic of her to compare herself to a grown and mature woman (her mother) there's decades between them and a hell of a lot of hormonal changes too.

 

- I didn't grow into my 'look' until I was 30. That's the simple truth of it. Somewhere around that hormone change I morphed from having a chubby round face to suddenly developing cheekbones and a defined jawline, a more mature look and something I found more attractive. Some women are late bloomers, they just look better older, I am one of them.

 

- Was I frustrated that in my 20's I could never think about myself the way I wanted? Sure. No matter what I did I just looked like a plump kid with bad hair. I couldn't acquire a grown-up look for the life of me, until that magic age of 30. The fertility years just gave my body hell and messed with everything. Perhaps it might help your daughter to realise that the image we are all supposed to look like sleek gazelles the instant we grow breasts is an illusion. Very, very few women (And I've worked with a tonne of young women) look great in those years.

 

- There is beauty in your mother, even if others and she herself doesn't see it. Do you have family albums of when she was younger? Sometimes just looking at yourself via someone else at a similar age changes your perspective somewhat. I look like my grandmother. Seeing a photo of my grandmother at a similar age, all done up in the 1940's really changed how I view my own face. Something about re-framing it away from modern standards does help.

 

- Lastly, don't try and take away your daughters own experience of disillusionment too much. I know this sound harsh, but this experience is part of a very long journey in her learning to accept herself as she is. She will likely resist and reject any notion contrary to her current view of herself anyway. It's almost like a rite of passage that we move from self rejection to self acceptance and it's a bumpy road. As long as she doesn't take to self harming behaviours like anorexia and the like, it's a road she just has to travel. It is part of the making of her.

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todreaminblue
We went on a walk together in the park, and I asked her why she felt that. There were a few reasons, people have said it. Some of which I have half the mind to call and freak out at, because they're friends of my wife and I. My nephew told her she would have a boyfriend if she looked like my wife. Then the boy she likes, likes girls that have blonde hair and blue eyes. I just tried to tell her that boys especially at her age, just like looks. Then I told her that her mom wishes she had black hair instead of blonde because of the way she gets treated by people. I think she felt better about herself after I said that.

 

 

Then, she said to me "Grandma doesn't think she's beautiful either." That's when my heart broke the most. I asked her if she thought my mom was ugly and she said no, she thinks she's beautiful. I told her that's what she looks like, and she is beautiful.

 

 

i believe you are an awesome dad who has the heart to say exactly the right thing....smilin....what you said to her...simply beautiful...you dont even need help from others in my opinion...you are doing your very best and your best...is exactly right...best wishes to you and yours...deb

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Two things you can do right away that will help.

 

First, set up an appointment with a counselor who specializes in teenagers, and go with her to that appointment. She'll hear it from a professional and that counselor will help her break down her feelings to what really matters.

 

Second, set up a way for you to speak to your daughter every.single.day. Skype, whatever. Do it now. Tell your DD that it breaks your heart that you can't see her every day, and that she's growing up and will soon be out of her life, and would she do you a favor? Would she be willing to talk to you via computer when you're traveling? Let her think she's doing YOU a favor. In the end, you'll be that anchor of support she needs, the person she can talk to all the time.

 

I'll tell you what mattered the most to my DD25 when she was a teenager: me telling her - and proving to her - that I'd never judge her, no matter what she did or said (she told me that this was crucial to her); and me letting her know that I would drop everything to talk to her, any time she needed it. We went on LOTS of walks, hundreds of them, in her teen years. What she needs most is a safe person to talk to, and to listen to.

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Two things you can do right away that will help.

 

First, set up an appointment with a counselor who specializes in teenagers, and go with her to that appointment. She'll hear it from a professional and that counselor will help her break down her feelings to what really matters.

 

Second, set up a way for you to speak to your daughter every.single.day. Skype, whatever. Do it now. Tell your DD that it breaks your heart that you can't see her every day, and that she's growing up and will soon be out of her life, and would she do you a favor? Would she be willing to talk to you via computer when you're traveling? Let her think she's doing YOU a favor. In the end, you'll be that anchor of support she needs, the person she can talk to all the time.

 

I'll tell you what mattered the most to my DD25 when she was a teenager: me telling her - and proving to her - that I'd never judge her, no matter what she did or said (she told me that this was crucial to her); and me letting her know that I would drop everything to talk to her, any time she needed it. We went on LOTS of walks, hundreds of them, in her teen years. What she needs most is a safe person to talk to, and to listen to.

 

This ^^

 

IMO, she needs counseling like "now" and she needs to be away from her mother. IMO, if you love your daughter, you'd keep her away from people that can harm her...regardless if it's her mother, aunt, grandmother. IMO, your wife is committing child abuse.

 

And counseling is necessary cuz you can try all you want to tell her she's beautiful, give her a makeover, but if she can't see it in her head/mind - you're wasting your time. Professional counseling will do that for her. Look at Michael Jackson. All the money in the world, fame, and he hated himself so much.

 

Kids learn from us. Like if you have an anxiety disorder, trust me, your kids see you do X and they follow you.

 

IMO, you get a job that keeps you closer to home, order your wife to go to counseling or seek full custody and put your wife out.

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This ^^

 

IMO, she needs counseling like "now" and she needs to be away from her mother. IMO, if you love your daughter, you'd keep her away from people that can harm her...regardless if it's her mother, aunt, grandmother. IMO, your wife is committing child abuse.

 

And counseling is necessary cuz you can try all you want to tell her she's beautiful, give her a makeover, but if she can't see it in her head/mind - you're wasting your time. Professional counseling will do that for her. Look at Michael Jackson. All the money in the world, fame, and he hated himself so much.

 

Kids learn from us. Like if you have an anxiety disorder, trust me, your kids see you do X and they follow you.

 

IMO, you get a job that keeps you closer to home, order your wife to go to counseling or seek full custody and put your wife out.

 

I think you misunderstood the situation. His wife isn't doing anything to the child.

 

Sad Dad I think you are doing a great job dealing with the situation. I think that with your help and attention your daughter is going to grow out of this stage and learn to love herself just the way she is.

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I think you misunderstood the situation. His wife isn't doing anything to the child.

 

Sad Dad I think you are doing a great job dealing with the situation. I think that with your help and attention your daughter is going to grow out of this stage and learn to love herself just the way she is.

 

Oh, sorry about that. I think I mixed up the OP's mom with the wife.

 

But still, the daughter is probably emulating the self-hatred the OP's mother has and his wife doesn't seem to be doing much about it either. I mean, if wife isn't stepping in and teaching her daughter coping skills and putting relatives in place, then still, father needs to stop leaving the parenting up to wife and get her to step up or step aside/out.

 

I mean, it should be mother/daughter having these walks/talks rather than father/daughter. Also, imagine the wife - who she wants to look like - standing by her and elevating her?

 

Using the nephew's comment..., wife should have stepped in and said "That's rude to say, beauty comes in all forms, and my daughter (whatever the OP's daughter's name is) is the apple of my and my husband's eye and one day she'll be the apple of a lucky man's eye"....Then, afterwards, she should have pulled daughter aside and told her how to handle snarky, rude, and/or ignorant/oblivious comments from people like that.

 

But, I have a bad feeling here about the family structure here. Probably family counseling (mom, dad, and daughter) is needed here cuz seems like the OP has a trophy wife and he's too busy making money while wife isn't that invested in being a mother to her daughter...hence, the shallow friends/relatives that surround them too.

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LivingWaterPlease

I'm also one who thinks you're doing a great job, OP!

 

You've gotten some good feedback, too. Especially like the suggestion of skyping with your daughter each day or as much as possible.

 

Not sure I'd send her to counseling at this point as it may convey the idea that something is wrong with her, though none of us see it this way, being adults and familiar with the concept of counseling.

 

The types of comments I suggest, even more than telling your daughter she is beautiful or pretty are things like, "You have a smile that lights up a room when you walk in!" Or, "There is so much kindness in those big brown eyes of yours!" "Your eyes just sparkled when I saw you talking to that (elderly lady, or whoever)." "So proud of how hard you worked to get that B in physics!"

 

I would concentrate on complementing aspects of her behavior you notice when she is exhibiting a beautiful character and/or hard work/tenacity/patience as this will let her know those are the things you value and treasure. Those are the things that will truly get her ahead in life and those are the things she has control over and can work to excel in.

 

Also, there are well known people in various fields other than movie star/model types who are successful. I would comment on those people when around my kids, both girls and boys, commenting on how hard they must have worked to get to that place, their perseverance, how they may have failed but kept trying, etc.

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My wife has been understanding, but she doesn't get it. She didn't really go through an awkward phase.

 

She asked us for a kitten so we went and got one from the shelter. She picked a little black male. I thought it was kind of sweet she picked the black one. She seems to like him a lot.

 

I will talk to my nephew about what he said. My understanding is that was said without other people around. I'll also make a better attempt to talk to her when I'm on the road.

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She asked us for a kitten so we went and got one from the shelter. She picked a little black male. I thought it was kind of sweet she picked the black one. She seems to like him a lot.

 

It's good she got a boy cat, they are much more affectionate than girl cats in general. My boy cat is the biggest cuddler....:love: I don't know why but boy cats love to tightly bond.

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