SD applied at Starbucks but couldn't even make it in the stock room of Hollister!

[Mapper71]

18 y/o SD quit her job at the clothing store Hollister in her mall last year. The reason she told me is "The people there got annoying and there was a problem with the managers. They were just rude high-maintenance people. Plus, a coworker started a fight with me so I just quit". Most likely this all occurred because she can't hold her tongue! I thought she was on the floor and working the registers but she was in the back stock room the whole time! If she can't get on in the back stock room with her own coworkers how does she think she's going to do with some rude customers whose coffee isn't right? Or some weird drink orders when there's a huge line of people?

 

She is constantly getting into arguments with friends and friends of her mom who she says "talk **** about her". She's going to school to be a nurse but says she doesn't really know if she wants to do that, which is probably a good thing because I could never see her in that role since she gets frustrated so easily and can't seem to take direction from anyone without blowing up. I don't know what she'd be good at honestly. Maybe she should work the makeup counter at the mall because she seems to carry an entire store of makeup with her wherever she goes. A few years ago she kept telling us that she was going to apply to be on "America's Next Top Model", which of course never happened. Her dream seems to be a fashion model, but she sighs heavily because she's only 5'5 and too short. Alas, she must find a real job!

[noelle303]

She's 18, she doesn't need to have her whole life planned out.

 

Let her figure things out on her own.

 

P.S. I seem to remember you complaining that she didn't have a job just a few months ago. Now she is applying for jobs and you still aren't satisfied? What does she have to do to make you happy?

[Mapper71]

Oh you know me....I'll complain about EVERYTHING she does!! But if she can't handle coworkers in the back room, how is she going to handle the stress of working with customers, and not just customers, but customers who want their coffee just so and want it quickly and keeping her head straight as to who wants what? She even told me she's not good at multitasking. She certainly didn't seem to care how her resume looked after I helped her make it this past weekend. She didn't have the tenses right and the wording was odd, but I could only correct her a few times before I was like "Well I'm not doing this FOR her"! She didn't have her own thoughts on what to put and needed me to suggest the right wording. I printed it out for her and she didn't even look at it and threw it down on the table, attached the resume and hit the send button for Starbucks. She didn't keep a copy of the file either to update it. Whatever kid!

 

I compare her to the interns we have working for us at my work and they are only 2-3 years older than her and the difference between their attitude, ability to communicate and knowledge is SO different than SD's. They actually know what they are talking about when they talk. SD just talks and falsities just flow from her lips, but she swears she knows exactly what she's talking about!

[Tayla]

seems that the list is growing of ppl talking unkindly of her. I sure do hope she gets away from the negative and complainers, they sure can be annoying.

 

Good for you in helping her with the resume.

[minimariah]

for some reason - you demonize the hell out of your SD. i don't recall you writing ONE good or kind thing about her (and this is like 5th thread you've opened that's about her) & i find that super troubling. she has no real support and you seem to suffocate and belittle her every chance you get.

 

you seem to think the worst of her and she isn't your child and you didn't raise her; so why are you so fixated on her? let her live her life the way she wants. can she do that...? without you commenting on it every step of the way?

[Miss Clavel]

when the student is ready, the teacher appears.

[acrosstheuniverse]

That poor kid. I can't imagine how awful it must be to be 18 and have my stepmom despise me so much. Do you realise how unhealthy it is to have this kind of fixation on a teenager? Nothing she does is good enough for you. She isn't good enough to be a nurse, can't hold her tongue, apparently is too short and fat for your tastes, she's a liar, what else?

 

She's your husbands flesh and blood, you don't have to be her best friend but to demonise her and expend so much energy on hating her and letting everyone know about it is sickening. What do you think he'd say if he could read your threads?

[Mapper71]

Well H would agree with me on some of it. I've already told him that I can only listen to her for so long before I just shut down because she doesn't know what she's talking about half the time. He says "Yeah I know. I feel the same way." He also has says she has no common sense and doesn't think anything through and that she's scared of doing anything on her own. Also that she's not going to get anywhere in life screaming at people and being loud if she thinks that's being assertive. Also said that he feels bad for whoever her next boyfriend is!

 

Oh....and she's not fat. She's underweight if anything!

[CarrieT]

she has no common sense and doesn't think anything through and that she's scared of doing anything on her own.

Welcome to Life At The Age of 18.

 

And, frankly, that entire generation who are exactly like your stepdaughter.... :rolleyes:

[Mapper71]

Well the 20-21 year old interns we get at work seem to have their life together. Well spoken, take direction well, adventurous, can't wait to learn new things. They are volunteering with things, being on committees. They have ambition which is what SD sorely lacks! We get the heavy pity sighs from her of "Nobody wants to hire me" and "my French teacher sucks and I hate that class" and "my friends talk about me behind my back" and "My hair is so messed up from my friend who was trying to spite me, but I guess I just have to deal with it since I have no money to fix it". Most have lived or studied in Europe and the one we have now who is 21, is graduating next week, and then moving to France for a year to teach. She already did a student exchange there when she was SD's age. I can't imagine SD making her way in downtown Portland (which she said freaks her out) much less hopping on a plane and going to Europe for a student exchange! She doesn't seem to care about taking time to see things or learn things. When I was her age I loved learning new things and loved being outside and exploring.

 

We had a beautiful day when she was visiting and were working out in the yard. We told her to come out back and take a look at what we've done to the yard...look at the garden, the rock garden, the pond and fountain, the flowers we planted. She said "Meh" and continued on her phone on the couch. Not one time during her 4 days there did she step outside to look at anything. She says she wants to plant certain flowers at her mom's and then I show her what we've got and barely acknowledges them. We left in the car one day and she goes "I never noticed how many kids were in this neighborhood". Yeah because you sit in the house with the blinds pulled laying on the couch watching tv and don't want to even sit outside. The only thing she wants to learn is what the newest and best makeup brush is or what's the hottest fashion trend for this year or what are the Kardshians up to this week!

[Emilia]

She probably feels miserable because of all the negativity and nagging and she is trying to block it all out.

[SoulCat]

I've already told him that I can only listen to her for so long before I just shut down because she doesn't know what she's talking about half the time.

 

 

Geez lady, she's 18! Give her a break already.

Most 18 year olds talk out of their backsides half the time, it comes with the teenage territory.

[Mapper71]

She probably feels miserable because of all the negativity and nagging and she is trying to block it all out.

 

If she's as miserable as you say she is then why did she decide to come up and stay with us for 4 days without even being asked? And why did she say she's probably going to come up for the 4th of July weekend??? Not like she hates her mom and wants away from there because she talked to her every day while she was here. Not like she hates her friends because she's planning on going to the beach with them next month.

[Emilia]

If she's as miserable as you say she is then why did she decide to come up and stay with us for 4 days without even being asked? And why did she say she's probably going to come up for the 4th of July weekend??? Not like she hates her mom and wants away from there because she talked to her every day while she was here. Not like she hates her friends because she's planning on going to the beach with them next month.

Probably to see her father (your husband, as I understand it), she probably thinks it's her duty and her mum probably encourages her to keep in touch with the father.

 

Then she keeps in touch with her mum and her friends while she is in your house to be able to tolerate you.

 

by the way, it is totally clear to me that you are not grasping anything we are saying on this thread.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Probably to see her father (your husband, as I understand it), she probably thinks it's her duty and her mum probably encourages her to keep in touch with the father.

 

Then she keeps in touch with her mum and her friends while she is in your house to be able to tolerate you.

 

by the way, it is totally clear to me that you are not grasping anything we are saying on this thread.

 

Agreed, it's futile. OP I've read a number of your threads putting your stepdaughter down and you seem unwilling to take in what the majority of people are saying, you brush it off and continue slagging her off. What are you looking for? Advice? Or just to vent? Because people contribute and then you shrug and carry on regardless.

[Mapper71]

Probably to see her father (your husband, as I understand it), she probably thinks it's her duty and her mum probably encourages her to keep in touch with the father.

 

Then she keeps in touch with her mum and her friends while she is in your house to be able to tolerate you.

 

by the way, it is totally clear to me that you are not grasping anything we are saying on this thread.

 

Oh good Lord no!! Her mother did everything possible to keep her away from her father! Moved, came up with stories as to why SD couldn't come over. SD certainly doesn't think it's her duty to come here. She spent years waiting to be 18 so she no longer had to visit. Boom, turns 18 and now decides she wants to visit regularly because we treat her like crap???

 

And it is totally clear to me that none of you even know SD and yet think she is a perfect angel who can do no wrong and it is all our fault that she acts the way she does. She should be put on a pedestal for how good she is!

[turnera]

Oh good Lord no!! Her mother did everything possible to keep her away from her father! Moved, came up with stories as to why SD couldn't come over. SD certainly doesn't think it's her duty to come here. She spent years waiting to be 18 so she no longer had to visit. Boom, turns 18 and now decides she wants to visit regularly because we treat her like crap???

 

And it is totally clear to me that none of you even know SD and yet think she is a perfect angel who can do no wrong and it is all our fault that she acts the way she does. She should be put on a pedestal for how good she is!

Nobody's saying her dad treats her like crap. They're saying she is well aware that YOU hate her, but her need to get love from her dad outweighs your issues.

 

Nobody said she was an angel, either - they said she's a typical teenager who knows everything, has no attention span, and takes you guys for granted.

 

If you hate her so much, why don't you just go somewhere else while she's around?

[whichwayisup]

Oh you know me....I'll complain about EVERYTHING she does!! But if she can't handle coworkers in the back room, how is she going to handle the stress of working with customers, and not just customers, but customers who want their coffee just so and want it quickly and keeping her head straight as to who wants what? She even told me she's not good at multitasking. She certainly didn't seem to care how her resume looked after I helped her make it this past weekend. She didn't have the tenses right and the wording was odd, but I could only correct her a few times before I was like "Well I'm not doing this FOR her"! She didn't have her own thoughts on what to put and needed me to suggest the right wording. I printed it out for her and she didn't even look at it and threw it down on the table, attached the resume and hit the send button for Starbucks. She didn't keep a copy of the file either to update it. Whatever kid!

 

I compare her to the interns we have working for us at my work and they are only 2-3 years older than her and the difference between their attitude, ability to communicate and knowledge is SO different than SD's. They actually know what they are talking about when they talk. SD just talks and falsities just flow from her lips, but she swears she knows exactly what she's talking about!

 

How about ENCOURAGE her and be positive instead of bashing her and putting her down. Seems she doesn't have self confidence in herself. This poor girl has two parents who don't put her first and a step mom who doesn't really like her.

 

She will find her way as she grows up.

[King Me]

 

And it is totally clear to me that none of you even know SD and yet think she is a perfect angel who can do no wrong and it is all our fault that she acts the way she does. She should be put on a pedestal for how good she is!

??? I just read this thread. Nobody says she is an angel.

 

It's a big positive that she's trying to get a job after a tough start. My own daughter didn't get it together very much until she was 26. We never lost faith in her though.

 

People are reacting to the hatred with which you speak about your stepdaughter. No teenager deserves to be in the same family with an adult who is so destructive to them. I am very sorry and concerned for her. It's disappointing that evidently her dad doesn't stand up to you on her behalf. If my wife maligned my daughter the way you do his - well, I certainly wouldn't be married to a woman who would. Shameful.

[Emilia]

People are reacting to the hatred with which you speak about your stepdaughter. No teenager deserves to be in the same family with an adult who is so destructive to them. I am very sorry and concerned for her. It's disappointing that evidently her dad doesn't stand up to you on her behalf. If my wife maligned my daughter the way you do his - well, I certainly wouldn't be married to a woman who would. Shameful.

It's the classic narcissist - enabler dynamic unfortunately. Triangulation, shaming, etc. Denial.

[Mapper71]

Nobody's saying her dad treats her like crap. They're saying she is well aware that YOU hate her, but her need to get love from her dad outweighs your issues.

 

Nobody said she was an angel, either - they said she's a typical teenager who knows everything, has no attention span, and takes you guys for granted.

 

If you hate her so much, why don't you just go somewhere else while she's around?

 

No, she isn't well aware that I hate her. I am the one she calls instead of her dad. If I'm going somewhere and her dad is home, she wants to go with me...even if it's just to pick up a pizza. She texts me that she got home safely and not her dad. Trust me, I hide it very well from her. Yes, H knows I don't like having her stay with us but he has no idea how much I hate it. I'm a very good faker

[anika99]

??? I just read this thread. Nobody says she is an angel.

 

It's a big positive that she's trying to get a job after a tough start. My own daughter didn't get it together very much until she was 26. We never lost faith in her though.

 

People are reacting to the hatred with which you speak about your stepdaughter. No teenager deserves to be in the same family with an adult who is so destructive to them. I am very sorry and concerned for her. It's disappointing that evidently her dad doesn't stand up to you on her behalf. If my wife maligned my daughter the way you do his - well, I certainly wouldn't be married to a woman who would. Shameful.

 

This. My oldest son is married, supports his family and he's a great husband and father, but as a teenager he was just kind of lost for several years. Dropped out of school, bounced around between low paying jobs. He had it rough as a kid because I was a working single mom and as he was the oldest I put too much on him and because my own life was so stressful and chaotic I didn't really notice him becoming unhappy. Looking back I wish I had done a lot less nagging and bit@hing at him and spent a lot more time just paying attention to him. I wish I had paid more attention to his positive qualities and less attention to his faults.

 

Sure teens can be negative lazy mouthy headaches to deal with but sometimes it's because they just really need some attention and love, but they don't know how to ask for it. They're kind of caught between two different phases of life. They have on foot in adulthood while their other foot is still in childhood. Part of them wants to be grown up and independent while another part still wants cuddles and approval from mom and dad.

 

It's a confusing time for them and it's not fair to compare them to other teens because they all come along at their own pace and all teens don't come from the same upbringing. A teen who was given lots of love, attention and parental guidance is likely going to mature and mentally develop faster than a teen who was ignored or heavily criticized. Some teens are just slow bloomers. Judging by the way you describe your husband it doesn't sound like he was exactly a great father. As soon as you start comparing your SD to others she loses because there will always be other teens who appear to be better. That's true for everyone and that's why it's just pointless to compare people. measuring our worth by comparing ourselves to others is a sure fire way to making ourselves feel bad.

[Rea]

18 y/o SD quit her job at the clothing store Hollister in her mall last year. The reason she told me is "The people there got annoying and there was a problem with the managers. They were just rude high-maintenance people. Plus, a coworker started a fight with me so I just quit". Most likely this all occurred because she can't hold her tongue! I thought she was on the floor and working the registers but she was in the back stock room the whole time! If she can't get on in the back stock room with her own coworkers how does she think she's going to do with some rude customers whose coffee isn't right? Or some weird drink orders when there's a huge line of people?

 

She is constantly getting into arguments with friends and friends of her mom who she says "talk **** about her". She's going to school to be a nurse but says she doesn't really know if she wants to do that, which is probably a good thing because I could never see her in that role since she gets frustrated so easily and can't seem to take direction from anyone without blowing up. I don't know what she'd be good at honestly. Maybe she should work the makeup counter at the mall because she seems to carry an entire store of makeup with her wherever she goes. A few years ago she kept telling us that she was going to apply to be on "America's Next Top Model", which of course never happened. Her dream seems to be a fashion model, but she sighs heavily because she's only 5'5 and too short. Alas, she must find a real job!

 

My daughter is 19 and a typical teenager. You have to understand that teenagers are often not in control of their behaviour. Your SD sounds like she's had a pretty rough and confusing start to her life; her parents separation, conflict between her parents which she has clearly been a part of, and step parents. Wow - that's an awful lot for a young person to cope with!

 

Maybe she was partly to blame for things not working out at Hollister, but give her credit for getting a job at Starbucks. Well done to her! Make a fuss of her for that. Sounds like she needs lots of positive reinforcement. Trust me, after raising two teenage daughters, you get far better results and a lot less teenage angst with positive reinforcement than negativity and ending up at loggerheads with them.

 

It also sounds like she reaches out to you with texting etc. she must like you to bother to do that. Build on that if you can. You have an opportunity to make a real positive difference to this young woman's life. Imagine how you will feel in years to come when she can reflect and say how your positive support of her helped turn her life around.

 

As for her career choice, my D wanted to be a teacher - changed her mind, was going to do an English Language and Linguistics degree and is now doing a Criminology degree! Teenagers can be fickle and as frustrating as it is, you just have to learn to roll with it.

 

Try not to compare her to other teenagers/young people. It sounds as though your SD has already had complex issues to deal with at a tender age. Had she not, she may well be all you are expecting her to be right now. But then, maybe she wouldn't.

 

It's her life, let her live it. But try to be there for her with empathy and positive support. I'm sure it will make all the difference to both of you.

 

Good luck!

[hotgurl]

Well the 20-21 year old interns we get at work seem to have their life together. Well spoken, take direction well, adventurous, can't wait to learn new things. They are volunteering with things, being on committees. They have ambition which is what SD sorely lacks! We get the heavy pity sighs from her of "Nobody wants to hire me" and "my French teacher sucks and I hate that class" and "my friends talk about me behind my back" and "My hair is so messed up from my friend who was trying to spite me, but I guess I just have to deal with it since I have no money to fix it". Most have lived or studied in Europe and the one we have now who is 21, is graduating next week, and then moving to France for a year to teach. She already did a student exchange there when she was SD's age. I can't imagine SD making her way in downtown Portland (which she said freaks her out) much less hopping on a plane and going to Europe for a student exchange! She doesn't seem to care about taking time to see things or learn things. When I was her age I loved learning new things and loved being outside and exploring.

 

We had a beautiful day when she was visiting and were working out in the yard. We told her to come out back and take a look at what we've done to the yard...look at the garden, the rock garden, the pond and fountain, the flowers we planted. She said "Meh" and continued on her phone on the couch. Not one time during her 4 days there did she step outside to look at anything. She says she wants to plant certain flowers at her mom's and then I show her what we've got and barely acknowledges them. We left in the car one day and she goes "I never noticed how many kids were in this neighborhood". Yeah because you sit in the house with the blinds pulled laying on the couch watching tv and don't want to even sit outside. The only thing she wants to learn is what the newest and best makeup brush is or what's the hottest fashion trend for this year or what are the Kardshians up to this week!

 

There is a big difference maturity wise between a 21 year old and an 18 year old.

 

Also the 21 year olds are probably in college. And comparing SD to the kids who studies abroad, did programs in Europe. Well it is because their parents provided them the opportunities to do so.

 

Did you and your husband send you SD to Europe., pay for her to study abroad?

 

Some are them are doing better because of the opportunities their parents provided. What opportunities have you provided.

[whichwayisup]

No, she isn't well aware that I hate her. I am the one she calls instead of her dad. If I'm going somewhere and her dad is home, she wants to go with me...even if it's just to pick up a pizza. She texts me that she got home safely and not her dad. Trust me, I hide it very well from her. Yes, H knows I don't like having her stay with us but he has no idea how much I hate it. I'm a very good faker

 

Mapper, this is awfully sad. You truly hate your step daughter and hate when she comes to visit and stay with you at her dads place. I hope she never finds this place because she would be devastated to know how you feel about her and have been 'faking' it for so many years.