sex education.

[minimariah]

hello!

 

my little Princess is almost a teen...! and the time for The Talk is approching. she already knows the basics & everything else appropriate for her age - when did you have The Talk with your children or when do you plan to have it, at what age? also - what do you plan on telling them? how do you imagine that conversation should go and who should do it - mother & father together or separately?

 

thanks.

[xxoo]

Oh boy! Fun!

 

My kids learned the basics before teenage, as you've described.

 

The bigger conversations have been pretty much ongoing, unplanned, and as needed since teenage years have begun. For instance, when my 13 year old daughter was getting a lot of attention from a popular 15 year old boy in school--we sat down and had our first really personal talk. Not theory and books, but "how do you feel about these situations?" and "what would you do if....?"

 

The topics pretty much came to me, rather than me introducing them. A nasty song lyric, a lewd comment scribbled on schoolwork by who knows who, a party with boys and girls and ??? about parents, a friend bleeding after Plan B , another friend getting an IUD, another friend wondering if that's a yeast infection or....(this is high school)

 

We talk a lot. The best advice I can give is spend time together one on one, don't be afraid to bring up the topic, and let her do 75% of the talking. You'll quickly learn what needs to be discussed

[minimariah]

Oh boy! Fun!

 

 

my poor xH is FREAKED OUT!

 

The topics pretty much came to me, rather than me introducing them.

 

great advice! that's the approach i planned to have, too - just talk to her about songs we listen, things we see on TV & stuff we hear; i always ask her questions just to see how she thinks, where she stands with this or that but i felt that sex education might be something i should start to talk about? i'm afraid that i'll miss out & i don't want to leave her in the dark. she already knows she can talk to me about everything and i'm not worried about it but i just wasn't sure should i be the one who'll start the conversation or just go with the flow.

[xxoo]

The topic seems to come up very easily here. I don't want to get your thread off topic, but news stories and political issues, including presidential campaigns, can even be topic starters (funding for Planned Parenthood, for one example). No, I don't wait for her to bring it up, but I pounce on opportunities and ask her thoughts. Edit to add....or your European equivalent of political issues

 

But music is a big one. Those lyrics.... I'm so old!

Edited May 24, 2016 by xxoo

[jellybean824]

I applaud you for taking the initiative on what can be an awkward topic!

Here is an article: Sex Education: Parents Want to be Primary Educators | Focus on the Family on the impact that parents have when talking to their children about sex.

For age-appropriate resources, check out Teaching Children Healthy Sexuality | Focus on the Family on teaching children healthy sexuality.

This article Healthy Childhood Sexual Development | Focus on the Family talks about healthy childhood sexual development.

Hopefully you find some of these helpful!

[minimariah]

The topic seems to come up very easily here. I don't want to get your thread off topic...

 

no worries! & thank you for your posts. always very wise and helpful.

 

we're actually having a "situation" in our homeland - we're deciding if we should ban abortions or not; so we talk to her about it and about the importance of CHOICE & she responds well. she understands everything we tell her & she isn't afraid to approach us and ask us thins.

 

but there are moments where she catches us off guard, LOL. and i'm always worried of how well i reacted in that exact moment. for example, she read a word "fellatio" some months ago and asked me about it. i was just so confused, at first i was like - where did you read that? in the most calm voice ever and i managed to explain it to her with the most basic facts ever but... it's awkward. LOL.

 

But music is a big one. Those lyrics.... I'm so old!

 

i agree! TV shows, too. i don't know what is safe these days. she watches cartoons + Nickelodeon and Disney and some science shows she loves but she definitely sees stuff when the TV is on... she HEARS stuff and sees music videos... i literally cannot avoid it. everything is just so explicit. so i'm always trying to be ready for questions.

 

we'll keep talking to her and listen to her and i'll see in which way will things go.

 

[Michelle ma Belle]

It seems we have to start having the talk with our kids earlier and earlier the way television and movies and even commercials are made these days.

 

Ironically enough, I was the one who had "the talk" with my boys, not my ex hubby which should give you some indication of just how conservative and square he still is about sex (ugh).

 

In all honesty, I wouldn't have it any other way since I have a very open and honest relationships with my kids and sex is just one of many topics we discuss openly.

 

It started with a book and then, for my kids, going for a long hike always seems to get them to open up and spill all the beans and ask all the questions they've been bottling up for so long. This is where we have all our best conversations and so it seemed fitting our sex talk happen here as well.

 

I think the key is not to let them see you sweat. If they smell fear or hesitation it just makes this even more awkward and your kids will shut down before they ever have a chance to really open up to you. With girls in particular!

 

They need to know they can always come to you with ANY questions ANY time and that they are safe to share stuff with you even if they think you won't necessarily approve. It's about showing them unconditional love and acceptance.

 

Better to have them share things with you then find out from somewhere else. That's always been my motto and it's worked beautifully thus far.

 

Good luck.

[minimariah]

It seems we have to start having the talk with our kids earlier and earlier the way television and movies and even commercials are made these days.

 

right?! we REALLY control what she's exposed to but we can't isolate her from the world & the world is all about sex. it's impossible to keep her from seeing & hearing things.

 

I think the key is not to let them see you sweat. If they smell fear or hesitation it just makes this even more awkward and your kids will shut down before they ever have a chance to really open up to you. With girls in particular!

 

good advice. i'll definitely have to work on that. so far, she seems to be very comfortable with us & asks a lot of questions and i think i kept my cool but i did have "freezing" moments. i'll have to work on that. it's just that she surprises me with casual sex questions and i have no idea how to respond, LOL.

[SammySammy]

For some strange reason, my ex-wife was with our daughter like my dad was with me. Didn't want to think about it, didn't want to talk about it, but you better not do it. She handled the basic stuff - cycles and stuff like that - but didn't want to talk about sex and relationships.

 

Not a strategy for success in my opinion. I'll never understand why a parent wouldn't want to talk to their kids about sex and relationships. Especially a child of the same gender. Why a father wouldn't talk to a son or a mother to a daughter.

 

Anyway, I worked hard to create an environment where my daughter could come to me with anything. Any topic under the sun. Not just sex. Anything.

 

The sexual questions started around 13 or so and tapered off around 17 or 18. At first, she would carefully think about and formulate her questions. Asking me what I thought. Once she found out she could trust me, we discussed ... everything. She's 22 now and thinks she has it all figured out. I'm not interested in the details, but just last week I let her know that I'm still available to discuss serious matters. Verbal abuse, physical abuse ... and so forth. I'm still a father.

 

I think the key is to be open, honest, nonjudgmental and to have a solid basis for any opinions. Don't be flippant. If they have something on their minds, take the time to really listen and address their concerns.

[minimariah]

For some strange reason, my ex-wife was with our daughter like my dad was with me. Didn't want to think about it, didn't want to talk about it, but you better not do it. She handled the basic stuff - cycles and stuff like that - but didn't want to talk about sex and relationships.

 

my parents were the same way; don't get me wrong... they were amazing and i had a really perfect childhood but i was never able to talk to them about sex and they never offered. i had to figure out a lot of things on my own including getting rid of my shame connected to sex; i want her to be able to enjoy sex when she's an adult, to NOT think of it as dirty. i kinda had to do that all on my own and i don't want to repeat my parents mistake.

 

that's why i'm so scared of doing something wrong.

 

I think the key is to be open, honest, nonjudgmental and to have a solid basis for any opinions. Don't be flippant. If they have something on their minds, take the time to really listen and address their concerns.

 

i'll certainly do that. i just don't want to freak her out. i think i'll remain open to her and available at all times & let her come to me. i'll address the basics in terms of safe sex, of course.

[basil67]

My daughter asked at age 4 how babies get in. We've had open, honest and age appropriate conversation since then. No sweating or awkwardness on either side.

 

By about grade 7, we were discussing porn, consent and choosing healthy relationships. Oh and she's taught me things too - like the time I asked her what 'fapping' meant.

[GunslingerRoland]

Is it a lot different with boys? I know my older son is almost 10 and he seems to have no natural curiosity about any of it. He finds penises and boobs funny but that is about the extent of it. I know he's young but I want to start gently leading into some of the subjects since he'll be starting sex ed next year, but he seems oblivious to the whole thing.

[carhill]

hello!

 

my little Princess is almost a teen...! and the time for The Talk is approaching.

Hah, yeah, I guess times have changed; we were all pretty much on board by age 10-12.

she already knows the basics & everything else appropriate for her age - when did you have The Talk with your children or when do you plan to have it, at what age?

IMO, depends on the particular child and the particular parent.

also - what do you plan on telling them? how do you imagine that conversation should go and who should do it - mother & father together or separately?

Ha, had to chuckle since we couldn't have kids but I recall telling a young female cousin, I think she was nine at the time, when she asked about men's erections to, in my precise words, kick him right there if he touches you in any way you find offensive or uncomfortable. That'll take him right out . Then I proceeded to tell her that it's normal for a man to react that way around a woman he finds attractive and sexually desirable. It's not bad or unhealthy and he can control himself. I guessed it worked, since she's in her late 30's now, married for many years and a mother of three.

 

thanks.

Great topic and a bit sad I never got the opportunity to share my parent's methods with a child of my own. It was cool to have good information at a young age and make decisions which worked best for me. Other kids did what was best for them.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Is it a lot different with boys? I know my older son is almost 10 and he seems to have no natural curiosity about any of it. He finds penises and boobs funny but that is about the extent of it. I know he's young but I want to start gently leading into some of the subjects since he'll be starting sex ed next year, but he seems oblivious to the whole thing.

 

Boys tend to be less mature than girls so I'm not surprised he still thinks boobies are funny rather than arousing.

 

I still think as a parent you need to discuss the birds and the bees with him particularly if he's starting sex ed in school. You may find he'll have a lot more questions after being exposed to that, although it may depend on the sex ed curriculum in your area. If it's anything like the Catholic school system you definitely want to be there every step of the way with your child.

 

He may seem uninterested now but it can turn on a dime in no time and it's better to be safe than sorry

[carhill]

Yeah, we had explicit sex education in Catholic school in 7th grade, in my case memorable because it was taught by a pretty hot late 20's nun My remembrance was some surprise that there was none of the church doctrine I expected about not using artificial birth control or waiting until married. However, we were in the midst of the sexual revolution of the late 60's/early 70's so there was that. Still, getting the audio/visual version of the Merck Manual at age 12 was pretty cool and I still remember sister Janet. Heh.

[noelle303]

Well if she is already quite comfortable with you and knows she can talk to you about anything, you pretty much have half the work done.

 

I personally feel like it shouldn't be ''The Talk'', but an open dialogue with your kids throughout their childhood. As they enter their teenage years, plan lots of one-on-one time with them and spontaneuosly start various discussions that you feel are important to know.

 

The most important thing is never to show any judgment for their questions or actions and make sure that you are not uncomfortable.

 

I also advise you to always give her her privacy when she asks for it. There are some things she may not want to share and that's ok. Don't let that worry you and don't push her, it will only make her hide things more.

[xxoo]

Is it a lot different with boys? I know my older son is almost 10 and he seems to have no natural curiosity about any of it. He finds penises and boobs funny but that is about the extent of it. I know he's young but I want to start gently leading into some of the subjects since he'll be starting sex ed next year, but he seems oblivious to the whole thing.

 

Same with my boy, I grab any opportunity I can to introduce the topic. He is less mature for age and HATES talking about it, so we giggle a bit and keep it light.

 

Recently he watched over my shoulder as I watched a birthing video on FB. He made a comment that worried me (misinformation about birth), so I shared some info to clarify. Turns out he was just kidding about saying that babies come out of bellybuttons, yes, mom, he KNOWS where babies come out of, and "I was enjoying my day and now my mom is talking about vaginas!"

 

I also have books on the shelves, including illustrated books, that cover all sorts of topics from puberty to sex to pregnancy and birth. My kids could grab and peruse those books on their own at any point.

 

OP, in the early teens my daughter got a bit shy about some of these subjects. I'm noticing now that she's a lot more comfortable and will even bring the subject up herself, mostly to complain about how poorly educated many of her peers are in our "abstinence only" part of the country. She recently told me that, if she has kids, she will talk to them about sex from birth. Which is pretty much what I did, so I'll take that as a vote of confidence

[minimariah]

Great topic and a bit sad I never got the opportunity to share my parent's methods with a child of my own. It was cool to have good information at a young age and make decisions which worked best for me. Other kids did what was best for them.

 

thanks, carhill! & hey - don't be too sad! the advice you gave to your cousin is priceless! LOL. my folks were so biblical with the "turn the other cheek" advice.

 

Yeah, we had explicit sex education in Catholic school in 7th grade, in my case memorable because it was taught by a pretty hot late 20's nun

 

i had none. we learned about sex in science but other than that... nothing. i had to learn everything on my own - including how to put a condom on a man. i mean... this seems like a little thing but it was a huge deal for me back then. and i want her to be able to come to me with those questions.

 

same with my first sex - i was too embarrassed to tell anything to my mom. and again... my mom was awesome. but i just felt awkward. she would for sure listen to me but... i don't know. i never felt comfortable and i don't want to make my daughter feel that way, ever.

 

The most important thing is never to show any judgment for their questions or actions and make sure that you are not uncomfortable.

 

i agree with this. i was actually motivated to open this thread by a convo with a colleague - her daughter is 15, lost her virginity and told her mom about it. mom was shocked and reacted with shock... didn't say anything bad but it was pretty obvious that she doesn't really approve. the kid burst into tears and even though they talked it out...... you know...? it's not the same as before.

 

I also have books on the shelves, including illustrated books, that cover all sorts of topics from puberty to sex to pregnancy and birth. My kids could grab and peruse those books on their own at any point.

 

GREAT idea! i have books but they're way too scientific and i'll find something more age appropriate for her and put it casually where she can reach/see it lol.

[Miss Clavel]

i started to have the "talk" when they were as young as two or three. just answering what they asked. steer clear of the zoo in the spring, if you catch my drift. and i always pointed out which princess i thought gave up too much for a man and which ones might do well to finish school.

 

they asked me about their own bodies. my youngest thought god was very smart because he gave her a butt and a "other butt".

 

i tried to keep my own judgements and desires to myself. i would like them to wait, i would like them to marry someone of my own religion. but i have to keep that out of it. i've heard some questions and all i could think at the time was, "don't change your face, don't show what you're thinking".

 

i keep a graphic book on a high shelf. they know it's there for them to look at now the youngest is in high school.

 

it's got drawings of everything. it covers what they look like, uh, down south, what the opposite sex looks like, what is oral sex, what is gay, LGBT, how to handle, uh, yourself, DV and even hygiene.

 

before that they had "american girl, the care and keeping of you". which covered all the middle school events, if you catch my drift.

 

they all have cell phones and most of those have google.

 

when they ask me about things i don't want them to do, i say, "well, it might be legal and you might be old enough but your father, your god and i don't agree with doing it".

 

after all, i'm not going to be around at those moments in time that can change their lives. it's on them to make the right choice.

 

good luck

 

 

 

good luck