Secret kid

[OneMoreBW]

My husband had an affair for 8 years with a coworker. She was turning 40yo and wanted to have a kid. My husband and the OW had a daughter. Just after the daughter was born H brooke the news. He was confused with the whole situation but at the end decided to work on our marriage. The OW was very angry with the situation and decided to move back to her country (in Europe). H now travels once a month to spend the weekend with the kid (now 2yo) in a hotel room (at least he says so). Anyone had experience similar situation? How a healthy father/daughter relationship can be in this case? The OW doesn't want the kid to know her brothers nor have any contact with me.

[anika99]

Sounds like your husband is still having an affair with the OW. Probably still stringing her along, telling her he's just waiting for the right time to leave you or that he's waiting for you to leave him. Are you sure she even moved to Europe? Maybe the whole story is just a cover that allows him to spend a whole weekend with the OW. If I were you I'd do some serious digging.

[OneMoreBW]

She has really moved. I have concrete proof of that. I believe she did so to put pressure on him to leave me....but he still with me.

I think the affair is not truly over and I also believe in 'telling her he's just waiting for the right time to leave you or that he's waiting for you to leave him'. Indeed I asked him to leave (the OW knew about that), he left but after few months he begged me to have him back and I did.

 

At home things improved a lot, and some times I think he's 'too' perfect. The only thing that really bothers me is the once 'a month traveling'. The excuse is the girl and I don't want to be selfish as there is a young kid involved. Something that I don't understand is why he still keep the girl as a dirty little secret.

 

Anyone out there think this is a healthy way to have a relationship with a daughter?

 

Maybe you are right anika99. Maybe he's just waiting for our younger son go to college next year.

 

Everybody at his work nows about the affair and the kid. His family knows about the kid but he never introduced the girl to anyone. Even my sons know about her but the OW doesn't allow any contact with his family members, his sons or me.

 

He keeps showing me pictures of the girl, makes FaceTime talks with me while he is with the girl and I also told him the girl is welcome in our home. Still he doesn't want us to know the girl (he says it is because the mother doesn't want but if it was the case, he could have asked for shared custody, but he refuse to do so. He doesn't want to fight with the exOW (or OW).

[noelle303]

She has really moved. I have concrete proof of that. I believe she did so to put pressure on him to leave me....but he still with me.

I think the affair is not truly over and I also believe in 'telling her he's just waiting for the right time to leave you or that he's waiting for you to leave him'. Indeed I asked him to leave (the OW knew about that), he left but after few months he begged me to have him back and I did.

 

At home things improved a lot, and some times I think he's 'too' perfect. The only thing that really bothers me is the once 'a month traveling'. The excuse is the girl and I don't want to be selfish as there is a young kid involved. Something that I don't understand is why he still keep the girl as a dirty little secret.

 

Anyone out there think this is a healthy way to have a relationship with a daughter?

 

Maybe you are right anika99. Maybe he's just waiting for our younger son go to college next year.

 

Everybody at his work nows about the affair and the kid. His family knows about the kid but he never introduced the girl to anyone. Even my sons know about her but the OW doesn't allow any contact with his family members, his sons or me.

 

He keeps showing me pictures of the girl, makes FaceTime talks with me while he is with the girl and I also told him the girl is welcome in our home. Still he doesn't want us to know the girl (he says it is because the mother doesn't want but if it was the case, he could have asked for shared custody, but he refuse to do so. He doesn't want to fight with the exOW (or OW).

 

I would definitely agree that this is not a healthy way to deal with this situation, not for the young girl, not for your sons and certainly not for your marriage.

 

I am a a former OW and I have a child with my xMM, a five year old girl. I don't want to get too much into our situation because it's not the point, but we are forming a visitation agreement that will have her visit her dad's home every other weekend. He lives with his wife and two sons.

 

I believe that it is important that she has a relationship with her father independent of me and also that she has a relationship with her stepmom and brothers. I have to say that I am also extremely thankful that she (the wife) seems willing to set aside her feelings towards me and that is something I am sensing from you as well. I definitely comend you for this as it very noble and mature of you.

 

Now, the OW in your case can either be:

 

a) Extremely jealous and bitter about the fact that your H decided to stay with you and is using the girl as a pawn in trying to get him away from you. In this case it's important to remind your husband that he has parental rights and is fully in the right to take her to court to establish them. That way she doesn't call the shots and he can take the daughter to his home, regardless of her mother's feelings about it. I highly suggest that you bring this up with him and see his reaction.

 

b) Nervous about the fact that you may try and ''mess'' with her daughter because you hate her. In this case, I would contact her via phone or e-mail to try and talk to her. She may benefit from hearing from you and it may calm her down a bit.

 

c) The third possibility is that they are still having an affair.

 

You need to push your husband on this, don't just casually mention, don't just occasionally bring it up, push him to talk to you about this. What are the OW's reasons to not allow you to meet the girl? How does HE feel about the situation? Does HE want you to have a relationship with the girl? Don't let the situation just flow if you are not comfortable with it.

[jenkins95]

I really just want to send you a hug (((OneMoreBW)))

 

The situation your H has put you in is absolutely heart-breaking. I think you must be a saint and deserve a medal for staying with him and working on the marriage after what he has put you through. How is your marriage in general? I don't think many could get through what you have to cope with.

 

How do you feel within yourself? Are you happy? Do you still love him and do you feel love from him?

 

Apart from anything else, make sure you take care of YOU. You are special. Never, ever forget that....and make sure he doesn't either. Make sure he appreciates just what you've done for him. He doesn't really deserve you, IMO, but then I don't know the full story - only what is in these posts. I wish you all the best!

[cupolatte]

I’m so sorry your husband put you through this heartache. I can only imagine the feelings of rejection and abandonment you must have gone through. You’re in a difficult position, the OW is obviously calling the shots. Eight years was a long time of being unfaithful to you…if this was me personally…I would insist on travelling with him to meet with his daughter once a month. Period.

Edited May 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[NTV]

I’m so sorry your husband put you through this heartache. I can only imagine the feelings of rejection and abandonment you must have gone through. You’re in a difficult position, the OW is obviously calling the shots. Eight years was a long time of being unfaithful to you…if this was me personally…I would insist on travelling with him to meet with his daughter once a month. Period.

 

 

 

I agree with this. Why not take the whole family with at least once?

[OneMoreBW]

You are right noelle303.

 

Options a) and b) are really two strong ones. I'm trying to figure out which one is the valid one.

I myself grew at a torn apart family as my father left my mom, two siblings and me for OW, and after this event, he was never present in our lives. He just left and I know how tough it is for not having a father in our lives. That's why I don't want this to the innocent girl (and to anyone). I absolutely not hate anyone in this story. Not even the OW (I really feel pity for her to be involved in such a mess with a MM for such a long time and 'ending' alone on her 40's as a single mom). That is why I don't interfere on those visitations (1 weekend per month). If they are still romantically involved I really don't know. I just know that my husband wants to come back home every time. Maybe he can still be having the best of both world, but I really don't see me spying at anybody life.

 

I'm really not 100% sure if my husband is being honest about breaking up with her. I used to trust him 100%, but now he gave me all the reasons to not to. We're are working in our relationship in order to restore confidence, trust and respect. It's a long way but so far it seems to be worth.

 

I truly believe a) is the case. I think my husband promised her the word and she believed him. However after the baby was born, he change his mind and prefer to give our marriage another try. Two year passed by and I think she is very angry with him and he doesn't want to upset her even more. This is the reason he gave me to not seek legal advice on this visitation matter, although he's paying child support on his own.

 

On the other hand b) is yet valid. My younger son will leave home next year (he's a high school junior) and maybe my husband promised her to hold on for one more year before ask for divorce (in this case, my husband can win an Oscar for acting). This explain why 'she' doesn't want the girl to know me and the boys and why my husband is not fighting against it. Only time will show the true.

 

PS. b) is not a possibility as I don't have any anger in my heart for anyone (I confess I did, but not any more). Indeed I wrote her (once, after many offensives emails she sent to me!) saying her daughter will be always loved and welcome in our family. My sons know about their sister and also showed interest on knowing her. They are amazing guys. The same with my mother-in-law and my sisters-in-law. Instead, my email made her very nervous as she now thinks I want to 'steal' the girl from her. I understand she's very insecure (not to say immature) on this but there is nothing else I can do. I just want to live my life in peace and drama free.

 

Thank you for your reply showing me your point of view.