"Urge" to have kids - at 22?!

[redheaded-squirrel]

I always thought that I'd have kids no sooner than at 30. I felt like I should live fully first, so that I'd have something "to offer" to my child, some sort of wisdom. But I've turned 22 recently, and since that birthday, I started feeling an "urge" to have kids, to reproduce, some kind of "thirst" for an unconditional love of your child...it's hard to describe and I feel so confused. Will it pass? Or is it my biological clock ticking already?!

 

I am single, I cannot afford to have children until I finish grad school, but then I'll be 25 and that feels rather "old". Suddenly I feel like I only have 3 years to form a meaningful relationship that could lead to kids and family and I no longer want to wait until until 30 or so...It doesn't make sense to me anymore to wait until that "magical age" for the sake of having some career - I'll built it up in 6 years and then what? Spend 2-4 years at home with kids, watching all the male colleagues as they get ahead of me professionally? I might as well have children first (while I can, biologically speaking...).

 

Being out of the 'parental nest' since 14 and abroad since 20, I feel more mature and independent than most of my peers. And I have a very young sister, so I keep imagining and counting - when she'll be going to uni, my dad will be 64, when she gets married, he could be 75. It scares me, it's just scary and sad. Will her children ever get to know their grandparents? I love both my grandmothers and both grandfathers and when I was a child, they were still active and healthy and I have the most amazing memories with them. I want my kids to have the same.

 

So again: will this feeling pass? Or is it my biological clock ticking - at 22?! Is it purely physical? Or is it a sign that I could be ready to start a family? Are we ever "ready" for kids? Too many questions, but they nicely show my current confusion.

[Tayla]

I think you are more Intune to your body.

 

If you say it's an urge, then satisfy it. Try being a nanny for a month. The experience will create that balance and solidify if your nature is to parent at this time in life.

 

I had my children way to early , yet with zero regrets. Would I recommend that path? Probably not. Particularly with the state of countries and changes in economy.

 

I think your ideals are noble. When you do become a family,it's my wish for you that they be healthy and loved dearly.

 

You sound like a reasonable young lady... Explore the experience from a bystander before taking on a lifetime role...

[GunslingerRoland]

You will never be ready for kids. So many parents try to put off having kids waiting until they are ready... you can't prepare yourself for them emotionally, financially or in any other way. The advantage is you'll have more energy to keep up with your kids having them at a young age, and you may be more likely to have parents/in-laws who are healthy enough to help out.

 

 

But that being said, you're still in school, you aren't in a relationship... I'm not sure why you are craving kids so badly. I don't think it's going to fix the things in your life that you think it will... and having kids now might lead to disappointment. If you want unconditional love, you're probably better off with a puppy to be honest.

[noelle303]

Well, I've noticed that often when people that young start craving children, they do it less because of their biological clock, but rather because they are feeling lonely or a little lost in the current state of their life - they innately feel like having a child would give them a real purpose and change everything.

 

You may be unmotivated by your schoolwork? Maybe unsatisfied with your choice of studies? How are you doing in college and how would you describe your social life?

 

I will tell you one thing - finishing up a degree with a child is HARD work. Harder than you can imagine. I finished grad school with a toddler and I can tell you now that there will be more sacrificies than you can imagine.

[RecentChange]

I started feeling an "urge" to have kids, to reproduce, some kind of "thirst" for an unconditional love of your child...it's hard to describe and I feel so confused.

 

Well, I've noticed that often when people that young start craving children, they do it less because of their biological clock, but rather because they are feeling lonely or a little lost in the current state of their life - they innately feel like having a child would give them a real purpose and change everything.

 

I admit, I have NEVER desired children - so I don't get it - but the part in bold really made me cringe.

 

I was instantly reminded of my good friend growing up - as soon as her friend got pregnant (teen mom) she too got "baby fever" - her reason, she wanted someone to LOVE.

 

I wish I could say it was a "happy ending" for her. I am sure she loves her children, but the path she choose has been very hard, emotionally, financially - her life in many ways is a wreck, and I blame much of that for deciding to have kids, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time in her life.

 

There are many people who do have children early, and make it work - but my advice would be to find the RIGHT partner first, establish a home and a family with him - then think about babies.

 

Do not get pregnant just because you want some one to love unconditionally.

[Buddhist]

some kind of "thirst" for an unconditional love of your child...it's hard to describe and I feel so confused. Will it pass? Or is it my biological clock ticking already?!

 

Well I think you said it here.....it's a thirst for unconditional love. Whether you meant giving unconditional love or receiving I can't tell. Let me warn you though, a child is not here to fill your void. Bringing one into your life to fill a void will give that person a legacy of resentment they will feel for the rest of their lives, whether you think you project it outwards or not.

 

Best fill the void first, then see if the urge is still there. If it is, go for broke you are probably as prepared as anyone who pushes a new human into the world. You probably won't do a worse job than the millions of parents on the planet already.

The upside of having a child early is that you'll be empty nested in your 40's, which is a very young age. And in a position to go out and have some fun then.

[minimariah]

Well, I've noticed that often when people that young start craving children, they do it less because of their biological clock, but rather because they are feeling lonely or a little lost in the current state of their life - they innately feel like having a child would give them a real purpose and change everything.

 

i'm guilty of this.

 

well, at least i WAS. when i was younger... your age, OP - the kids were sooooooo cute and soooooo adorable and i wanted someone to dress up, to cuddle with and they were just so freaking CUTE. and they call you a MOMMY! and they trust and love you unconditionally!

 

but raising kids is HARD. kids cost a lot of money. you gotta work and coparent with the other person (assuming you won't go the bank sperm route). you gotta RAISE your kids, meaning you gotta answer a lot of questions you probably never thought about yourself & decide will you raise your child in this or that religion... things like that. then you gotta deal with your child's antics and not wearing ANY clothes phase when they're running around naked all day and you really gotta go to work or study and don't have the time...

 

be a nanny for a week and ask the parents to tell you how their regular day looks like and how much money they spend on the kids.

 

it will pass QUICK.

 

p.s. a lot of folks have children because they don't want to miss out on anything... so it's more of TRYING out parenthood (sort of) then actually wanting a child and wanting to be a good parent.

[redheaded-squirrel]

You see? That's why I come back here on LS - you guys have probably uncovered by motivation behind this "urge". I wrote all the possible reasons behind it without any self-censorship of thoughts, so...it was there and it's more important than I thought. I have a little sister. I was a teenager when she was born and my mum went to work immediately after birth, so I was there during most of my sister's early childhood (and I will be with her even more this year). So the practical side of parenting, that I know.

 

Maybe it's a void for love, or maybe a desire for stability. I just ended a long-distance relationship and a part of me is really tired of casual relationships where you don't know where you stand, you don't "build" anything meaningful together, you don't plan for the future (because these days it's fashionable to "explore" and "live in the moment"...). You don't know when a man (can I say that? they're still boys at 33 anyway) stops loving you, decides that he doesn't want to be with you as if you were...I don't know, this burden that suffocates his personal development. I guess that subconsciously, I associate parenting with stability, stable relationships.

 

I also don't FEEL like I have so much time on my hands as to have a string of casual relationship that do not lead to anything meaningful. And I know too many 30 year olds who thought otherwise and now have problems finding a partner. I will be moving to a new city soon, but I am NOT looking forward to what awaits me there, in terms of men, love. Dozens of those who do not have any plans and do not give a f**k about the future? Or a couple of others who just want to have fun with you and then leave you, as if it didn't matter that MAYBE you developed feelings for them?

 

So, I don't know. I don't know where does one go from this. I, for instance, went baby-crazy.

[SammySammy]

I wish I had waited to have a kid. I married at twenty-two. Eighteen months later, we had a child. I wish I had waited until I was more mature. More financially stable.

 

With that said, I love my daughter. She's now a beautiful twenty-two year old woman herself. I just wish I hadn't let her birth be left up to chance. Or an urge. I think everybody involved deserves better than that.

 

Bringing new life into the world is a serious matter. Treat it as such.

[Miss Peach]

I got married young but we waited several years to have kids and then divorced. I also know many single moms who had children at different ages.

 

My BTDT advice is focus on the relationship/man first. Like it or not that person will be in your life forever in some form (at least 18 years). That person can make it a very easy, joyous time or a miserable, stressful one.

[RachelDow]

Agree with Miss Peach. Don't hurry, just wait for the right moment. And having child at 25 is normal its not too old.