Situation regarding daughter. Help!

[Area57]

I met my now ex when she was three months pregnant. We were young and in love and the bio wanted no part of having a child. I agreed that we would get married and raise the baby as if mine.

 

So we did. I signed the birth certificate and she has my last name. I was there in the delivery room. She calls me dad.

 

Me and mom got divorced two years ago but almost immediately reconciled and continued to live together as if still married. On the divorce it was a quick no contested divorce and we didn't set up any child plan.

 

Now last year she cheats on me. The guy is REAL young and doesn't like daughter. He is also pretty crazy and got my ex pregnant so she would marry him. He has anger problems and they always fight. My ex has already left him several times. They haven't made it more than a month without breaking up.

 

She always calls me and tries to either patch things up or get me to help her which I do.

 

Just ten days ago she spent almost two weeks with daughter when I flew them out here because she wanted to try to get her job back and have me set up a room and made agreements about daughter visiting me in summers and Christmas and said she would be moving back after she has other mans baby.

 

So we got along well and me and daughter bonded and I set up my spare bedroom for her.

 

Now this morning apparently ex is back with crazy new boyfriend and they are calling me at five am from an unlisted number since she is too poor to afford a phone and I have block his number. Well he is yelling at me to never call ex again and ex sounds like a hostage and says to not call and it's too confusing for daughter. Then they fight more and hang up.

 

I don't know what to don please advise.

[noelle303]

Wow, the situation sounds actually dangerous for both your ex and your daughter. Do you know their address? I's actually be calling the police to report domestic violence. They should at least go and investigate the situation if she is actually being held hostage.

 

If she is willfully staying with this man, then file for an emergency custody hearing and try and get your daughter out of that situation. You are the legal father and you have all the rights of a natural father. It's not healthy for her to grow up around the abuse and hate provided for her by her mother's partner. Go see a lawyer and try and set up so that you get physical custody with visitation rights for the mother.

[ChocolateRain]

i can't give advice but ... what about the girl , how old is she ? i feel sorry for the child to be in such a situation . You was there all the way through pregnancy and signed the birth certificate ... please , please at least do anything in your power to protect the girl . She is your ex and a ex for a reason and she cheated . She is a grown woman and she should sort out her problems . if you get involved in her affairs it will probably damage you at the end as you are already getting a good taste of that . The only thing i would do if i was in your situation is to talk with her and ask her if she thought what they are doing is good for her unborn baby ... other than that ...she made her choice to be with him . Unfortunately , in cases like this the children suffer and often silently

[ChocolateRain]

this is good advice above ^from noelle

Edited May 11, 2016 by ChocolateRain
correction

[jen1447]

Need clarification ....

 

- Are you legally the girl's father?

- Do you currently have any custody arrangement? It sounded initially as if your daughter was living with you, but then later it sounds like she's living with your ex. (As in permanent domicile.)

- How old is your daughter?

[Area57]

Need clarification ....

 

- Are you legally the girl's father?

- Do you currently have any custody arrangement? It sounded initially as if your daughter was living with you, but then later it sounds like she's living with your ex. (As in permanent domicile.)

- How old is your daughter?

 

I am legally her father.

 

She is five.

 

There is currently no custody arrangement. Daughter lives with my ex. I don't know what is going on with them where they are. All I know is that my ex went to go and live with her family while she has her and the new boyfriend's baby.

 

Thank you guys for the help. I've never had a situation like this one come up. I think I thought me and ex would be together for a long long time. It didn't cross my mind she would do something like this.

[Miss Peach]

Doesn't sound like there is much you can do to help your ex. Unfortunately in divorces we have even less say as to how someone behaves than when married. I'm mostly worried about your daughter and you maintaining your relationship with her.

 

I would get a few legal consultations. With your ex coming and going (and it sounds you are difference places) I would see about arranging a custody schedule, money, and jurisdiction. I would also see if there is a way she can question you being the legal father since you wouldn't be able to establish paternity even though you were married. You don't necessarily have to file it now but I would get answers to those questions in those areas.

 

What I'm concerned about is that whatever new BF she has won't want you in the child's life and you may lose your relationship with your child. IMO it's worth exploring what legal options you have should your ex cut off contact with your daughter (which I fear could happen based on what you posted).

[Area57]

That's my fear too. I don't want to get any more involved in my ex's life than I have to to talk about what to do about daughter.

 

I just think it is sad and cruel that she could think that just ten days ago she was out here and watched how well me and the little girl got along and to hear her hug me and call me daddy, to then turn around and because this new guy is somehow back in her life, to call me with him sitting there and say not to ever contact them again.

 

I'm not trying to complain. I would rather remain pragmatic and just get answers and so far you guys are really helping. But she and her mom have told me so many times when I have asked why she is still calling or texting this guy, they would say he is the father of her unborn child and has to remain in her life.

 

How then can they not have the same compassion for me?

[noelle303]

That's my fear too. I don't want to get any more involved in my ex's life than I have to to talk about what to do about daughter.

 

I just think it is sad and cruel that she could think that just ten days ago she was out here and watched how well me and the little girl got along and to hear her hug me and call me daddy, to then turn around and because this new guy is somehow back in her life, to call me with him sitting there and say not to ever contact them again.

 

I'm not trying to complain. I would rather remain pragmatic and just get answers and so far you guys are really helping. But she and her mom have told me so many times when I have asked why she is still calling or texting this guy, they would say he is the father of her unborn child and has to remain in her life.

 

How then can they not have the same compassion for me?

 

She is probably not completely done with him and this is an excuse she is using.

 

You honestly need to formalize a custody agreement. If you have it on paper then she legally has to comply with the visitation/custody order.

 

Try and bring it up with her, tell her that you are open to a mediation process, no court and see how she reacts. As a legal father you have rights and unfortunately you may have to fight for those rights. Be prepared for that, after all your daughter is worth it, no?

[Readandwrite]

I am so sorry.

 

I would call the police to make a well visit for both mom baby and daughter.

 

I would try and talk with mom about coming back. When she does...I'd serve her with custody papers. Seek full custody with visitation for mom. This is not a good situation for daughter. Start documenting everything .

 

Hths

[jen1447]

I am legally her father.

 

She is five.

 

There is currently no custody arrangement. Daughter lives with my ex. I don't know what is going on with them where they are. All I know is that my ex went to go and live with her family while she has her and the new boyfriend's baby.

 

Thank you guys for the help. I've never had a situation like this one come up. I think I thought me and ex would be together for a long long time. It didn't cross my mind she would do something like this.

 

Ok. Are you inclined and prepared to fight for custody of your daughter? "Fight" being the operative word.

[Area57]

Where do I start? With a lawyer or trying to set up mediation and leave lasers out of it?

[jen1447]

Where do I start? With a lawyer or trying to set up mediation and leave lasers out of it?

 

It depends first on if you've got the go-juice to actually take this on. I don't question your love for your daughter but you sound a bit like a bystander in all this, as tho you assume you don't have primary rights.

 

Do you want your daughter to live with you, either exclusively or for significant blocks of time, in such a way as would be enforced by the courts? And if so are you prepared to go to great lengths to try to make that happen? Or would you be content if she lived with her mother as long as the other guy wasn't so much a factor, etc.

[Area57]

Leave those lasers out of this. Lol. Better learn to spell check.

 

I guess I do seem like a bystander. I think it's just been too much assumed that I only have rights when the mother decides I do.

 

I would like nothing more than for daughter to live with me or split time. I want what's best for her first off. I worry that the going back and forth created confusion for kids. I never wanted her to grow up in a broken home but fwiw I tried as hard as I could to fix things even when I was treated really badly and cheated on.

 

So now I don't think I can be passive anymore and hope the mom lets me see her. So what do I have to do. What is best for the child? I'm willing to work for this.

[noelle303]

Leave those lasers out of this. Lol. Better learn to spell check.

 

I guess I do seem like a bystander. I think it's just been too much assumed that I only have rights when the mother decides I do.

 

I would like nothing more than for daughter to live with me or split time. I want what's best for her first off. I worry that the going back and forth created confusion for kids. I never wanted her to grow up in a broken home but fwiw I tried as hard as I could to fix things even when I was treated really badly and cheated on.

 

So now I don't think I can be passive anymore and hope the mom lets me see her. So what do I have to do. What is best for the child? I'm willing to work for this.

 

So many father's have this impression and I can't stress enough how completely false it is. You are her father and have all the rights a mother would have. I know that in the past the judicial system would usually side with the mother, but more and more they have been awarding shared, 50-50 physical custody and it's not even unheard of for the father to be awarded full physical custody if it's deemed to be in the best interest of the child.

 

Fisrt of all, courts strongly urge parents to at least try and form an agreement on their own. That is why I would recommend that you try and settle privately with your ex and get the agreement into writing. If she refuses, then go see a lawyer and file for custody, either shared or full, whatever you feel is best for your child.

 

And from now on, document everything. Every single time she denies you to see your daughter, every single time she breaks up with her boyfriend, moves, every single incident involving him.

 

One more thing, you can't blame yourself forever for what happened. It is what it is and now it's a matter of giving your daughter the best of the situation and providing her with a home as stable as possible. And to me it doesn't seem like your ex is it, at least not until she is still with that guy.

[jen1447]

^ Good advice. The only part I'd differ on is trying to negotiate first between you and her alone - she's said "don't contact me ever again" so I think that's a pretty explicit denial of any overture of cooperation.

 

I'd get an attorney first things first and they'll tell you what to do. It'll no doubt involve documenting absolutely everything and probably hiring a PI to gather evidence to support a claim (by you) that the child is in danger and living in a hazardous environment.

 

If you're really committed to this, this will just be the beginning, so buckle up. (Oh and ignore anything the current tosspot BF says to you from now on conceptually except to document it - he has absolutely no say in anything as he has no rights as far as your daughter is concerned.)